Shut Down

Even in any moments (if not always) when I can’t sufficiently put my inner pain or whatever I experience into words..,
I know when I shut myself down and could be doing better,

I know when the capability I’ve been blessed with remains undiscovered and unaccessed and is passing me by,
But why do I chose to remain shut down,
WHY!!!?

Well,
Here’s A reason,
Or a few,
Or a reason (or reasons) that implies more reasons for those who try interpreting this consciously critically..,
On WHY I remain shut down,
When I could OPEN to more gratifying,
profound perpetual present experience(s)..,

Well..,
Due to the culture that has evolved in response to life’s various forms adversity (such as harsh weather and geographic conditions, struggle for resources, etc..),
That’s been passed down to me,
As well as others who mistreated and worsened my atypical innate adversity..,
..
To me..,
A lot of my unaccessed capability seems to result from dominant unconscious (internally uncleansed or unprocessed) inwardly solidified and externally ongoing contaminating unconscious ego energy,

(And in this context, the “ego” is itself.., “unconsciousness”.. yet I may use the words one after another to emphasize this..),

Although I may be able to understand my misfortunate conditions deeply (possibly profoundly?),
I still remain trapped in the dominant unconscious insecurity,
Similar to many (or most) in their own unique ways,
In society who surround me,

And of course,
Those who are also unconscious,
Who have more power or some type of authority over me,
Have unconscious egos,
Who prefer I remain shut down,
Who prefer I remain in alignment with the unconscious mentality that their shut down unconscious egos feed off insatiably perpetually,

Those egos want me to remain unquestionably focused,
And they want me to remain low-key,
With whatever their unconsciousness (that’s been unconsciously passed on to them and is keeping them (in their own ways) shut down),
Expects of me,

And this unconscious shut down culture continues,
And it traps those who know they’re shut down,
Out of a fear of being rejected or brutally oppressed,
By other,
More powerful insecure fearful unconsciousness,
Who are (to whatever extent they know and/or can describe it or not) stuck in the unconscious forces of ego,
That has been passed down to and solidified in them,

And (based on my belief(s)),
It is this fear,
Of giving up the ego,
And making us function worse,
And “achieve” less than we would if we were to keep the ego as our egoic unconscious forces instructs us too,

Yet seemingly,
Truthfully,
It is our ego’s insecurity,
That clouds and however inhibits,
Or limits us,
From discovering and accessing,
And continually improving,

Profound infinite,
Internal,

Capability,

..

Yet of course,
To whatever extent(s) I try this by myself or with support,
Taking the steps to open myself up,
To inwardly cleanse and heal,
To open what has been closed, suppressed, and shut down in myself,
Requires consistency,
And such as writing this post,
Understanding what I believe as some primary causes (as explained) of why I’m shut down,
In order to inwardly address and cleanse them in ways I see fit,
Is tremendously IMPORTANT,
For healing myself,
To be weighed down by less limiting forces,
And to discover and access more profound present experience forces..,
Or whatever will make me less weighed down,
And more open and clear,
To experience and achieve (without harmful limiting ego pressure),
More and more that is,
Gratifying and worthy of experiencing..,

Yet,
For me,
Consistency to inwardly heal myself and remain conscious and unimpinged by surrounding toxic forces,
Has NOT been easy,

Yet at least I’m still here,
And still posting,
By putting my understandings of experiences I’ve had into words,
That I feel to be,

Worth sharing