No Guarantee

I know I already posted about this at least once if not more yet I just wanted to emphasizes beliefs and questions such as:

Is pain the ONLY teacher?
Is it the ONLY way?
Is it the ONLY necessity?

Does experiencing pain ALWAYS lead to the same outcome?
Or can experiencing pain take us in multiple directions?
And lead to completely different destinations?

In my belief(s)..,

If I don’t know how to properly learn from pain,
If I never inwardly discover how to properly respond to it,
then it will NOT make me stronger..
since I may unconsciously react in a way that exacerbates the pain..
Such as focusing my attention on when it’ll end instead of accepting it as it occurs..,
Causing all kinds of crazy resistance behavior..
I guess?

And of course,
pain may be one way to “learn”,
aside from learning (or inwardly discovering) how to strengthen and prepare oneself to properly respond to any level of pain when faced with it,

Yet can we learn whatever our most needed life lessons are without experiencing immense pain?

Because hopefully,
If others show us,
Or assist us in a needed practice..
Or if we somehow discover ourselves a way to practice how to prepare ourselves before the pain gets too dangerous..
So we respond properly..,
To suffer less in the same inevitable experience(s)..,

And even though they say “you have to know one to know the other”,
Such as “needing to know pain to know pleasure”,
Can we still know what pain is WITHOUT having to experience it..?

Even if we never experienced a certain level of pain,
can we still imagine or understand it and discover ways to avoid it instead of believing “we must experience it?”
Or at least can we avoid insane high level pain..?

Does experiencing the same level of pain always lead to the SAME outcome?
Because people seem to have different types of awareness and reaction unconscious tendencies (for example)..,
To me,
As for outcomes of pain,
There doesn’t seem to be a guarantee..,

Based on my perceptions,
there has been lots of pain that has made me have weaker confidence in myself,
The pain I received from bullying,
did NOT teach me anything,
yet made me less clear,
more confused,
less confident..
Point is,
although moving through pain may make us stronger,
according to me,
there is NO guarantee,

And if I’m not good at something,
Such as socializing,
It does NOT necessarily mean that I “didn’t painfully push myself hard enough”,
Yet it could ALSO mean,
That the pain was TOO much,
And that I then did NOT know how to alleviate it,
Or meaningfully accept it,
So I therefore lost confidence in myself,
So trying to be social was then something I quit..,
And since due to my condition I innately have more “social anxiety” in ADDITION to learning disability,
I was therefore more likely to experience even MORE pain socially such as others who were less challenged socially being dickheads and using my struggles against me,
Instead of offering to help me..,
Yet of course at certain ages,
And well..,
Sometimes at all ages,
Even those who can be social and chit chat about meaningless bullshit,
Can still not know shit,
When it comes to helping others who struggle more than them,
And instead those types of dickheads made me feel bad about myself as a convenient unconscious attempt for their egos to feel better about themselves,
When in reality,
In those moments especially,
It was them who was being the ignorant dickheads,

I gotta say,
The way..
Those exclusive “bubblegum club” members glared at me,
When I was in third grade in the after-school YMCA,
Was pain that was just so damn unnecessary,
And if anything,
As for my self-development,
Among all the other bullying and meanness from others I experienced,
made it so much worse for me..,

(I even remember when I tried to hang out with one.. he told me to “get away”.. or something.. essentially I wasn’t doing anything harmful.. yet when he told a counselor, he essentially said, “he’s annoying me” (or something like that) and I said I wasn’t or didn’t mean to and this counselor lady said “you’re fibbing to me” when I was NOT, so instead of the “bubblegum club” member who participated in excluding me got me in trouble for no reason which then caused me to sit by myself.. So I was the one who had to get “punished” by sitting by myself.. or some unnecessary bullshit.. and damn.. as for that counselor thinking it was me who was doing the bullying and then treating me like shit.. I’ll say she was being a fucking oblivious idiot.. and shit.. I even remember that woman was visiting or something and being friendly among others, in addition to the “bubblegum club” members.. who were also treating me like shit.. man.. I know to feel better I must continually let it go.. but it’s just not right as most of us hopefully know! And as for responding to pain, experiences like that just so often gave me more pain, instead of helping guide me down paths of responding to pain properly.. those types of experiences didn’t teach or lead me to anything.. they just created excessive, unhelpful and UNNECESSARY suffering),

Lots of immense pain from others did NOT teach me,
Their energy did nothing to further inwardly “awaken” me,
It just made stuff worse such as confusing me,

If someone wants to teach me a lesson,
And if they get pissed off because I’m a slow learner,
Who’s anxiety and lack of confidence makes it additionally harder,
I wish they’d consider,
How directing their anger at me,
Or however they are trying to help me,
Is really affecting (not only them) but me,
Yet I have to rely on them looking deeply,
Yet with most (if not everyone)..
There’s just NO GUARANTEE..,
(And unfortunately.. with many.. it doesn’t seem that developing the ability to act kind is likely..),

Instead of learning internal healing,
Instead of contributing,
Healing energy..,
Society just expects me,
to suppress,
And if I lose control,
Society will make me even more oppressed..,
If I don’t discover how to maintain consistent proper,
needed awareness,
As for responding to pain,
Then I’ll become even more disoriented and trapped in even MORE unnecessary pain..,
Hence if I don’t put in the work to inwardly clear and prepare,
Not working will make me suffer to an even greater degree seemingly..,
Since the pain that I’ll inevitably become faced with,
(Whether externally (such as from others),
Or inwardly (such as my unconscious ego’s insatiable expectations increasingly requiring more and more and harder and harder to attain and sustain “happiness conditions”))..,
Will feel more painful,
damaging and therefore harmful,
since I was less prepared in ways to respond to the pain that could have been helpful,
Or however presently existentially beneficial..,
(Of course, aside from learning how to develop myself in the most needed ways, with less pain),

(And of course this is in my beliefs.. regardless of what the truth actually is.. yet it seems like a truth to me.. that pain may sometimes, yet does NOT guarantee, proper foundational internal clear strength development..),

So if anyone assumes I am the way I am because I “chose to avoid pain”,
If anyone assumes that me “avoiding pain” is why I’m “not strong”,
According to me,
That type of assumption about me and my history..,
Is just so damn wrong,

And I’ll just add that,
Even though my innate struggles and toxic environment(s) haven’t helped me inwardly strengthen my internal capabilities,
Such as my lack of..
Or my insufficiently developed pain tolerance..,


As for my understandings,
I still feel I have stuff that may be helpful or worth reading..,
And maybe..,
Just maybe,
What I have to say..,
May even be helpful to at least some of those who,
In many ways,
May have stronger “pain tolerance(s)”???
Or struggle in ways I don’t..?
Even though some may have certain aspects of life easier,
What I say..
I hope,
May be helpful to anyone in at least some way..?

Out of all the types of pain tolerance that I did not yet,
Or may never attain,
At least I feel I decently developed my ability to put into words,
Feelings that I feel others need to hear..

And of course I hope my words help open doors to understandings that are deeper and deeper,
And yes I know I may not be that good of a writer,
At least there’s still some stuff,
That I hope is helpful,

Such as discussing,
Such as considering,
Thoughts on pain..,

When faced with pain..,
How do we respond..?
How do we avoid more UNNECESSARY suffering?
How do we cultivate more accepting and less resisting..?
Through breathing?
Consistent proper meditating?
I know I struggle to do what I view as proper practicing..,
Yet I still felt a need for posting this..,
For reasons such as trying to understand what is most helpful for what I constantly experience when passing through this physical form as part of existence..,

As for improving,
Or how to improve at anything,
To me,
There’s never one “correct” way of doing anything,
Never one “correct” way of experiencing,
Never one “guaranteed” outcome for anything,

Those were..,
Just some thoughts (aside from me mentioning YMCA experiences I could’ve been better off without.. among so many other experiences..) that..
Although I feel they could all be infinitely elaborated on..,
(My thoughts, feelings, experiences.. etc..),

I just felt a need to share,
With intentions such as..,
Helping MYSELF and whichever others become in any needed ways possible,
More aware..

I’ll need to re-read this myself,
I know I often repeat myself,
I just have similar experiences and thoughts..,
Sometimes they may lead to deeper realizations than I ever experienced before..,
And other times I may be so unconscious as I was before and before..,
And I know I repeated stuff like that..
In however similar or different wording,
Yet as I repeated,
I believe a lot of stuff is important to be reminded of..
And as I repeated,
(If not, at least what I thought repeatedly (my OCD will always make me excessively prove my point.. out of an excessive fear that others may misunderstand my point(s)..)),
New experiences seem to come down to similar conclusions..
And as I repeated,
I can always deepen and clear any presently held realization I have now,
Since as I repeated,
New realizations are infinite,
And can be expanded upon infinitely..
And/or I guess..
As repeated,

Yet I felt a need to write this ESPECIALLY,
So I can re-read it (and of course revise it),
So I’ll MORE LIKELY remember,
What may help me,
Feel reasonably,

And of course there’s no guarantee,
As for my writing helping people like me and whoever,
(Including me especially),
Although I try to make that as likely of a possibility..,

I guess pretty much anything (if not everything),
To some degree,

There’s no guarantee,

There’s just always some uncertainty..


So I guess..
The more we accept it,
The less we excessively fear,

And the more clear we are,
The more we’ll clearly see,
Which types of pain we need to avoid,

We keep discovering ways to suffer LESS excessively

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