Nightmare

To me..,
Just because I’m aware and can clearly articulate my problems does not reduce the severity,
Just because I’m aware and can clearly explain my problems,
Does NOT make any of them less of a problem,
..,
I guess another way to explain it,
Is that,
No matter how deeply aware I am of my shit,
Does NOT guarantee,
I’ll get it together sufficiently,
..,
No matter how aware I am of it,
Does not mean I’ll adequately,
Heal it,
Although not all of my posts have to be about pain..,
Well..,
Due to what I’ve been STILL experiencing,
It’s once again time,
For another posting:

And there might be at least some over-explaining..,
To obsessively prevent misunderstanding(s) and confusion from perpetuating..,
Anyway..,

After waking up today,
I believe I noticed that:

Pressure is building,
Thoughts are overloading and racing,
Inner peace and clear cognitive connections seem to be once again diminishing,
Confidence and/or assurance I have regarding the mainstream culture’s ability to alleviate what I’m experiencing is LACKING,
In other words I feel alone and feel very few know what to do and will actually do it,
Or sufficiently help me through it,
Yet..
I pretty much get it..,
Especially since I previously experienced and made it through,
What I presently believe to be,
So..
So damn much of it..,

There’s been so much inner and external bullshit,
And there always feels to be more of it..,

For me,
What’s different about this,
Is that instead of losing sleep to this,
I woke up to this,

That nightmare I had,
Made me,
Start writing again,

And yes,
Although the nightmare got me out of bed,
There still is a lot I feel to be grappling with,
Especially in my head,

At least I also feel,
That nightmare I had,
Woke me up,
Even more,
To see,
How shut down I’ve been,
Recently,

I guess the nightmare also somehow got me to remind myself,
(Regardless of however directly or indirectly),
That,
If I do NOT REMIND myself,
That not all (if any) of my passing thoughts reflect some deeper truth,
Then I may start believing them as truth without realizing,

If I act without inwardly processing and/or cleansing and/or healing,
And/or,
If I act UNCONSCIOUSLY,
Then those thoughts,
Will MORE LIKELY,
Get a hold on me,

If I don’t remind myself,
That not all thoughts that pass through me represent even the slightest degree of literal conscious reality,
Then those thoughts may MORE LIKELY navigate me,
So as they stear my direction,
They’ll further and further derail me,
Into dangerous and more dangerous delusion,

If I don’t remind myself,
That certain thoughts are not the reality,
They may cause me to unconsciously act destructively,
And their dangerous,
Toxic,
And/or(?),
Pernicious energy,
May fill and contaminate me EVEN when I’m not acting additionally destructively externally,

The anger,
Or whatever type of bad energy,
May destroy me,
UNLESS,
I REMIND myself,
To inhale,
To exhale,
To witness the inner clearing,
To witness the inner clearness building so I’m less weighed down for initiating and STAYING on a helpful,
Meaningfully developmental,
track of,
ADULTING,

I’m well aware my mind has been derailing me,
I’m well aware I gave into OCD by refilming that juggling video constantly,
I’m well aware that there may always be inner insecurity since (according to me) my ego is insatiable invariably,
I’m well aware I’m torn between juggling and writing,
I’m well aware my insecure egoic obsessiveness inhibits,
If not ruins,
Just about everything,

I had a nightmare last night,
And in this NIGHTMARE,
A fictitious,
Demonic parent figure,
Essentially,
Verbally and emotionally abused me for not getting my shit together,
And I woke up this morning,
Feeling DEEP,
DEEP,

ANGER,

Why am I letting my labels and insecurity.. or WHY AM I LETTING MY MIND HOLD ME back!!?
And WHY IS IT THAT I’M ALWAYS SO MISERABLE EVEN WHEN ON A GOOD TRACK!!?

I know the answers..
It’s my labels,
Bullying experiences,
Resulting insecurity,
The ego,
A lot or all of that stuff I post about repeatedly..,

AND..,
Essentially,
Even when I have my priorities together EXTERNALLY,
Why do I so often feel I’m dying INTERNALLY,
EVEN WHEN,
I’m doing the best I (if not ANYONE) can,
At taking care of myself,
Such as ALSO,
Spiritually and/or trying my best to access needed strength inwardly??

Yep..,
It’s the same shit ongoingly..,

Point is..,
I’m well aware,
As reflected by the evil parent figure,
(that is NOTHING like my literal GOOD parents (like what I said in posts of mine such as “Words Can’t Describe” and “Happy Holidays”)),
In the nightmare,
That my shit is not together,

I realized (assuming the email is legit) that I got another job offer,
Yet,
My egoic juggling goals,
Are still obsessively keeping me in those dark holes..,
And my lack of confidence due to past experience makes me fear that I’ll run into another experience that will fail once again,
..,
Obviously I’ll keep trying..,
It’s just that,
With me..,
This is how it’s been,
This is how it is..,

And the more I get yelled at,
The more I get shamed for problems I’m WELL AWARE that I have,
The more inner pain fills me and holds me back,
No matter how much I try to push myself along a better and better track,

No matter how deeply I’m truly capable,
I’m pretty used to being labeled “atypical”,
And I’m pretty used to not expecting a career and a life that is “normal”..,

And even though many of us know there is no “normal”,
Even though many of us know we’re all unique and can be labeled in some way..,
Well,
I feel like my life is stuck on some other way which I still don’t feel comfortably certain enough will bring me better days,
Even though to me there’s always a degree of uncertainty..,

And I have so many thoughts and feelings that I’m struggling to somewhat coherently connect and organize..,
I guess,
In addition from all the build up,
And my,
Nightmare,
Which triggered this,

To speak for myself (as always) I’d say,
I must,
REMIND MYSELF,
That these painful feelings,
Are not me,
That no matter how much I’ve been failing and fail continually,
That,
Taking another step at healing and clearing myself inwardly,
If done reasonably correctly,
(In my belief),
Seemingly can do nothing but help me,
On whatever path,
In whatever direction,
With whatever intention and awareness of attention,
I’m on and/or experiencing,

And as for taking a step in a truthful meaningful direction,
I feel I just did that,
By posting this,

Even if on the surface I appear as a loser,
Even if on the surface I appear as immensely inferior in this (based on my perception(s)) seemingly egoic contaminated and dominated culture,
Well,
At least what I have to say here,
May hopefully help anyone,
While on a path that is leading them,
Wherever,
??

Even though I have so much energy I’m struggling to cleanse,
Which is producing and/or IS emotions and thoughts I’m struggling to organize..,
??
(Source: Michael A. Singer, “The Untethered Soul”, (2007) page 41)

Well..,
At least by posting this,
No matter how incomplete this work of writing is,
At least,
I’m TRYING,
To,
Make something original,
Out of my own ATYPICAL struggles which may AT THE SAME TIME be very TYPICAL,
Such as,
I’m struggling with my remaining inner pain from past experiences,
As I continue struggling,
Presently,
With,
Adulting,

I trust,
Enough of you,
Understand enough of what I’m attempting at expressing,

Well..,
Unlike the past,
I hope I don’t try TOO hard to remain on a good track that causes me to end up emotionally and therefore existentially DERAILING myself,
(As a result of breaking from the inner stress due to trying too hard..),

So,
Even though I’m unemployed,
Age 27,
While at my mom’s house,
I’m still doing all I can,
With all my labels,
Insecurity,
And whatever else is inwardly burdening and/or painfully weighing in me,
To any degree(s),

I can’t explain all of it,
Yet I hope I expressed enough essential parts,
Of the heart of it,

As for what I feel to be dealing with and how I’m responding to it,
As always,
I’m doing all I know to continue through it,

So even though this in whatever ways may be different,
It’s pretty much the same shit,

I’d say I sufficiently,
Understand,
And I’d say I sufficiently can handle,
It,

I’m struggling,
With needs,
Choices and decisions,
With people and interactions,
With memories and inner energies,
With new and the same,
While stuck in life,
What many,
With whatever intentions,
Seem to refer to as a “game”,

Yes..,

I’m still,
Trying,
To remain,
sufficiently safe,
and sane,

Even if that fictional parent figure,
In my nightmare,
Who added pressure,
By ordering me to get my shit together,
Made me a lot worse and therefore NOT AT ALL better,
At least..,
I’m writing and made this post,
Because that’s a direction,
That I presently especially find worth aspiring down,

For me,
Writing does NOT guarantee a change in feelings,
Yet in this case I feel writing is as least one worthy attempt,
To..
I don’t know..
Keep going..
Like I have been doing..?

Ay yi yi..

Still navigating down and also carrying my “atypical” set of obstacles,
I’d also say I’m..,
Still reacting internally to the same adversity,
To a bit of a higher degree,
And that still just seems to be me based on how I see..?

I think you get what I’m saying,
Regardless,
Thanks again for reading