Hyper-Whatever

For whatever valid reasons,
As always expected,
Once again..,
I..,
Felt to be the target of what I felt to be,
Dark energy,

Such as,
One guy,
After I tried so hard,
to politely thank him for buzzing the door open..,
The he,
Aggressively tells me “you’re welcome”,
Cause a reaction in me,
To feel like an unwelcome,
As I have felt I felt,
usually,

I arrive home from my job,
Try to set up a drug test that someone forgot to plan for me,
(Said she wasn’t used to planning it.. I won’t get into it..),
Yet,
Instead of releasing anger,
When talking on the phone on speaker in the middle console cup holder,
I felt I compassionately,
made it clear,
That I understood completely..,
And this was right after,
Another,
Stared at me,
Menacingly,
After he tried J-walking right in front of me..,

Oh how the energy reacts in me,

After on the phone trying to set up a drug test,
While,
Talking to a woman,
Saying I called the number,
Clicked on the link,
This that and the other,
I felt she didn’t trust me,
Such as asking my mother to tell me my own GMAIL username..,
Yet I get it,
Better safe than sorry,
Yet that hyperawareness,
Really builds in me..,

Then,
(According to Apple Maps..),
After all QUEST diagnostic locations were closed,
While remembering the post I made about a guy at QUEST diagnostics who seemingly imitated my stereotypical autistic sounding voice after telling him my health insurance by saying “ARE YOU SURRRRE”,
Yelling at me for not following a direction precisely..,
I remember how I was like..,
“Are you kidding me!!?”
..,
And even that location was closed since it was late in the day,
Yet as for driving home..,
Since I wasn’t going fast enough,
Over the speed limit,
I moved over to a right lane,
To let,
As always,
Another tailgating driver pass,
Yet then,
As I moved over,
So did the driver,
..,
Then the driver moved back,
Then..,
As the woman who tailgated me,
Was passing me,
I looked at her,
As she glared at me,
for driving defensively,

And with all my history,
That I struggle to let go of repeatedly,
With other stuff that happened today,
With people,
Then I feel,
feel and direct it at me a certain way..,
..,
With all I’ve been dealing with,
(That I feel is too much to write about),
Recently,
..,
I felt closer to once again,
Becoming derailed,
And instead of keeping a new food production job, For places like the “Psychiatric Center”,
(Near that production center),
I may instead,
Wind up,
in there,
Or wherever..,

And I’ve been told to not put any of my information online..
I get it..
yet as for this post,
I just felt a need to hint it,
even if at some point I deeply regret it..
???
guess for me “time will” unravel it..
or maybe my level of worry will embarrass me..
???
yet don’t you see,

The reactions,
That react,
within me!!?

And of course,
since the production center,
Is right by the other “mental health” center,
I often fear,
..,
You know..,
Getting stuck in there..,

Not saying it’s the worst,
Yet,
Not saying it’s MY needed alternative,
Not saying it’s the only,
Preventative measure(s)..,
Yet I don’t mean to get sidetracked in world issues..,

As for my issues..,

Well,
I will say this,
Sometimes I feel,
There’s only so much others,
Including myself,
Can do,
To improve myself,

And I’ve tried so hard,
And felt to have gotten criticized and derailed so hard,
And that hyper-whatever,
That hyper-everything,
Those reactions in me reacting,
Makes me,
Sometimes fear deeply,
If I,
And others may feel..,
Welp..,
“Maybe he needs a lobotomy”..,
And yes I know I’m in a different time YET different location,
Yet as I’ve heard,
A lobotomy kit in this particular psychiatric center was discovered..,

Yet..,
Assuming lobotomy’s,
And/or anything as bad or worse,
are REALLY a thing of the past,
(Not saying this is the case),
Yet,
With my condition,
I really do NOT want to return to any,
Less developed,
Less empathetic,
Civilization,
Horrific occurrence,
Environment,
I know feel I’m over explaining it..,

Yet,
It’s just felt hard,
Being,
Hyper-whatever,
Hyper-this,
that,
and the other struggling,

As for those nasty remarks,
I wanted to tell the only friend,
Who I been seeing in person,
Yet I feel,
He would’ve,
criticized me again,
For feeling offended,
Once again..,

So even though his criticisms are valid,
I feel I’d just be feeling more bad,
About not doing what I know I need to do..,

And once again,
That one close friend I been seeing recently,
Wants distance from me,
For reasons such as,
My exacerbated hyper-sensitivity,
That sometimes derails me,
And makes others,
Have even less tolerance for me,

And he had more patience with it,
Yet as I expected,
Even though I feel a part of him gets it,
I also felt there would be a point when he could no longer stand ME losing control over it,

And even though he tried so hard,
SO HAVE IIIII,
Yet,
I’m just a bullied,
hyper-sensitive,
GUY..,

Man..
It’s like..,
Come on..,

Even those who know why,
I become how I am,
They ALSO,
Just..,
Feel a need,
To distance,
And I’m like..,

What next?
While this isolation,
Make me spiral into permanent delusion,
Due to a combination,
Such as me,
my culture,
and whatever institution,

I really don’t know,

I have so much to say,
I just can’t say it all,
Nor perfectly,

It’s just,
I feel it’s rough..,
With how reactions,
TEND,
To react in my,

In response to,
Mainstream energy

Aiiiiiiii

Okay so as for this next section I wasn’t sure about making it a separate post,
Yet,
I’ll just include that:

Although I struggle,
and feel I often fail to communicate,
how I feel preferably..,
I often feel that..,

Since,
My senses,
overload,
I can emotionally break easily,
Endangering myself or whoever,
As I definitely posted about previously..,

And it’s hard,
Feeling,
That other egos don’t understand,
Feel threatened,
And may want to destroy me,

Or criticize and shut me down to speak more realistically,
Yet I worry what the future may throw at me..,

???

Welp,

I have hypersensitivity,
hyper-alertness,
hyper-concerningness,
Hyper-infiniteness,
Hyper-any-of-this..,
Hyper-whatever,

As I understood from what another friend (who I haven’t seen in person in a long time) said,
who empathized with me,
Yes,
It is exhausting,
Yes,
It is tiring,

It’s a lot,
Trying to survive more,
By being more self-sustaining,
While,
Constantly,
Assuming,
That those I’m amongst,
Just don’t feel me,
And for their own valid reasons,
See it differently,

Regardless,
Of what the truth may be,
This hyperawareness,
Hyper-whatever,
Just,

Grows,
Weighs,
In me,

Yet,
I hope to keep remembering,
To witness my breathing,
And find that warrior spirit,

Building,

And I’m sure many still won’t understand what I’m saying,
I’m sure there will still be gaslighting,
Yet,
Whatever life and/or inner-hyper-whatever continues to throw at me,
I can still remember,
To utilize,
Any strength,
I discover,

Within me