Confident Flamboyance vs. Awkward Anxious Neurodivergence

Yes,
I have seen those who are on the “autistic spectrum”,
Who have learned how to be very typical,
Social,
And/or,
Flamboyant,
..,
Yet,
I just had different experiences..,
Yet aside from all that,
I’ll just mention that I also feel that:

I do NOT understand A LOT,
And MANY others,
Do NOT understand ME,

Ohhhh how I struggle to return to my..,
Inner body..,
I just FEEL I’m NOT NEARLY as developed as Eckhart Tolle,
But thank you,
Eckhart,
For all you do,
And of course,
I can NOT speak for you..,

Huhhh..,

Anyway,

To remain,
Safe,
(From their self-absorbed emotional instability),
I try to refrain,

From asking,
(Questions such as),

Is their confidence mostly (or totally) meant to help me,
Or,
Over-power me?

Hah..,
Sometimes they’ll use their confident flamboyance,
Against MY anxious awkward neurodivergence,
Against MY damaged emotions..,
Etc, etc, etc..,

Left AND/OR Right,
I do NOT trust MANY..,
Because it’s largely just me,
And my neurodivergent adversity,
Which I do NOT like,
Nor expect them to like..,
Nor have sufficient patience for,

I have autism,
And I’m damaged by experience,
And I feel,
As I said,
And/or often imply..,
That,
The next straw may break my back,
And I just never know when I’ll lose it to the point..,
Of never being able to get back on a good track..,

And I just can’t keep up,
With the bullshit,

Like the other day when I asked a guy to put his cart on the side of the conveyor belt where the carts go,
He aggressively said,
“I didn’t understand a word you said!”
Then he said something,
And I didn’t understand either,

And (later on today) since I was spaced out,
One of my supervisors got impatient since I was struggling to focus,
And since his instructions weren’t clear..,
He was like..,
“No!!! They go right there!!”,
And,
“They go over there!! And you have several of them!!”
And he is DAMN lucky he doesn’t have autism,
..,
And yeah..,
There’s a lot I won’t get to know about him..,
But there’s that part of me,
That wishes,
I didn’t have my type of neurodivergent adversity,

And when I left I apologized for having trouble focusing on putting the customer “throwback” items (items that customers didn’t want gathered in a set of carts to return back to the shelves) where they belonged (since I WAS still new and haven’t worked there in long)..,
And he said “it’s okay we’ll take care of it”,
But after he shut the door as I left,
(And I could be wrong),
Yet I thought he said to himself,
“I’m going to beat you up!”,
..,
No I don’t know if he actually said that,
And yes,
He has been nice quite often,
Yet,
Like many others,
I just do NOT trust that they’ll accept me for being me,
And I do NOT trust that they’ll be empathetic with helping me with my learning disabilities..,
They’ll just want me to leave them alone after all the emotionally distant advice they (without my permission) exclaim towards me..,

Yet,
I just feel like a damn easy target,
People can yell at me when I struggle to focus due to my learning and emotional challenges that got exacerbated by the bullies..,
And INSTEAD of helping me..,
They’ll use their NON-learning challenges against me,
And if I stand up for myself,
The authority,
Will strike back,
And I just can’t do anything,

Yes..,
They’ll use their confidence to over-power me,
And all I can do,
Since I can’t avoid how many of them are mean to me,
Is to sustain peace inwardly,

And oh,

It has not been easy,

But I just have to,
Keep going..,

And I just wanna keep talking about experiences..,
Yet since they just may happen every day,
I just..,
Can’t get to all of them..,

Yet one woman complaining about something with her receipt,
Just comes in blocking the cart conveyor belt isle,

And I was like,
“You have to move your cart,”
And she’s like..,
“Why?”
And I’m like,
“Cuz you’re blocking everyone!”

And she just remained cluelessly selfishly standing there..,
And they just kept looking at me as if I was the crazy one..,

And..,
Not to be too hard on the woman,
But I’m like,
It’s really something,
Seeing how confident people can be,
With their level(s) of stupidity,

And with their level(s),
Of stupidity,
I’m like,
How does it appear that to them,
Adulting,
Just comes,
So easy!!?

They (meaning others) are making more money than me,
They have more power than me,
And I’m just blown away,
That they also have their high level(s) of stupidity..,

And I’m like,
If they can do it,
Then I can do it,
WAY MORE,
Yet,
Because I’m not,

It really does cause me pain,
When I see,
How much I ACTUALLY unconsciously limit myself..,

Huhhhh..,

No words,
I just,
Try to surrender,
And NOT,
Let,
My shortcomings,
My misfortunes,
And unconscious bad decisions,
And whatever it may be that upsets me,
Get the best of me,

And I believe,
Regardless of what I face EXTERNALLY,
I feel I must remain aware of the roots of my actions,
Such as my internal occurring reactions,

And instead of dangerously being unconsciously controlled by them,
I just try to..,

Keep remembering,
To keep,

Witnessing them,

And as for today,
While hoping to react to meanness in a less destructive way,
While a guy was training me how to unload the plastic bottle bags in one of the machines that people recycle bottles in to get some spare change..,
A woman complained that we were NOT helping her and I POLITELY said I was being trained,
And she still complained,
And then..,
When my trainer was helping her,

The SAME confident flamboyant SUPERVISOR,
Explained to me to NEVER get mad at a customer,
That I must “always help the customer”,
Even though in the scenario we just couldn’t,
And I tried to have him understand yet he wouldn’t..,
And then I said “just gotta take the punches”,
And he agreed,
Yet,
Since I just felt I was too damaged,
To manage,
I am NOW,

Looking,

For a better work environment..,

And it’s just hard having to,
Keep taking punches,
When I’m still damaged and not yet recovered,
From all the previous punches,
Yet they just expect me,
To keep taking it..,
Even though,
I still carry all that pain,
Of NOT standing up for myself..,
So I figured..,
I needed a better environment for myself,

And yep,
With my learning disability,
With all my painful history,
They just expect perfection out of me,

Even when I screw up with ZERO safety hazards,
Their energy,
Just makes it so hard for me,
To stay on TRACK,

And once again,
As for being unemployed again,

I’m back..,

And well..,

Since I let my dad down,
Since I won’t fulfill his wish at becoming a manager of Costco,
Well,
Looks like confident flamboyance OVERPOWERS awkward neurodivergence,

In my belief..,
It’s hardly ever about what you say nor how you say it,
It’s about energy,
Even if it’s the highest stupidity..,
..,
And I often believe that confident stupidity,
Goes further than anxious intelligence..,
Because in order to get stuff done I feel there’s a need for confidence..,
Yet..,
All that excelling stupidity,
Just..,
Deeply,
Bothers me,

Yet someday,
I hope,
For a more welcoming,
Compatible,
Convergence,
Of surrounding HELPFUL ambience,
And I hope those fancy words in that order made sense..,

And I hope there’s not too many typos in this..,
I just..,
Felt an impatient need to post this..,

Looks like,
The place I worked will have the customer service they may need,
Instead of being greeted by an anxious awkward guy,
They’ll have their comforting flamboyant (seemingly) neurotypical guy,

And yes,
There’s many forms of confidence that over-power me,
Of course I also try to stay safe from emotionally distant toxic masculinity,
I try to stay away from various forms of sadistic confidence that may put me in danger,
Especially due to my remaining inner pain and struggles with neurodivergence,

What an experience

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