In whatever Surroundings

I feel that:

For one..,
Just because someone may (possibly),
Be able to deeply analyze and understand deep truths,
Does NOT mean they have adequate teaching experiences,
Such as a teacher they may NOT be able to remain as peaceful as the peace they just might be trying to grow,
In their students,
And they just may,
“Know”..,
Yet not be ABLE to,
Be present,
Including..,
The way(s) they may however tend to analyze about it..,
??

And maybe this other thing is also NOT exactly relevant?
Yet..,
I wanted to also share that,
Sometimes my ego wants to validate itself by..,
Trying to see,
How much pain it can sustain,
And I therefore add excessive pain,
Instead of..,
Returning to inwardly cultivating,
That inner peaceful warrior spirit,
Which I feel is MORE what I need,
To become more and more fit..,
..,
And as for another way I guess I can put it(?),
Is to simply,
Avoid becoming sucked in,
To that pain feeding energy..,
..,
Yet I remain to struggle with consistency..,
Yet although when I truly return to my (as I think they say) “inner body”,
Oh how I feel the power growing in me,
..,
And I’d say these states of awareness may come and go,
And regardless,
I try NOT to add inner tense resistance,
And instead,
I try to mostly,
Witness,

And as for those who trigger me,
Instead of increasing my distance from,
How about I travel,
To see,
Learn and understand where they’re coming from,
??
So I (more likely) develop,
Open understanding,
And yes I definitely agree it’s very hard..,
NOT easy..,
And of course if I’m not prepared to receive a type of energy,
I’ll try to respond to the energy,
Rationally,
..,
Such as by NOT trying to rationalize,
With a completely different,
Completely DISTANT,
Completely incompatible,
Type of IRRATIONAL,
Energy,

And I also just wanted to include that I presently feel that..,
And include how I initially started off this post,
By starting with my additional present feelings that:

I understand how high-pressured hard working Americans (or whoever) will NOT likely want to spend their free-time around vibe-killing struggling autists like myself unless they want a good laugh or want to blast their insecure pain out at (even if it’s at) the autist’s expense..,
Huhhh..,
As for my “autism spectrum” condition..,
Ohh how it is HARD finding peace within..,

Yeah I understand how they’re not gonna want autists “killin’ the vibe”,
I understand how they need a break,
And just gotta treat me the way they see fit,
No matter the likelihood of that causing me to,
Permanently,
Break..,
Huhh..,
I just gotta keep going on track..,
And if I go too fast..,
Remember that I can safely and steadily apply the breaks..,

Even though,
Aside that I feel many of those “on the spectrum”,
Are quite different..,
And even though my OCD wants me to be grammatically correct (as for this context) instead of saying “ain’t no”..,
Well..,
As for my INDIVIDUAL experience as being labeled “autistic” at age 5 (in addition to “ADHD” and “generalized anxiety disorder” at age 4),
I do NOT feel part of an “US” group..,
No I’m NOT helpfully “proud to be me” and I’m NOT part of some collective ego category..,
(And deep down I would say that NO one is (since I believe we all come from deep life energy (yet I get that’s just me and my beliefs and we all (or many of us (I feel)) have them))),
So I hope it is sufficiently CLEAR what I mean when I say..,
There AIN’T NO US (unless we’re all included) to me..,
..,
And I feel..,
I ain’t anymore compatible with those like me who have the same LABEL..,
I often feel ALONE in my types of struggle(s)..,
..,
And (I feel) even though we all,
May feel ALONE in at least some way(?)..,
Well..,
I feel I just must rediscover that peace to stay on a path that sufficiently helps me through each day..,
So I seek that inner peace,
With the least (as (I think) they say) “price to pay”..,
And I guess you may interpret that in whatever inner peaceful suitable way(s)..?

Sometimes I feel that for me it feels hard accepting,
That I just can NOT get as much as I would like OTHERS to understand..,
To understand,
Huhhh..,
I just have to find that peace in me..,
To keep going..,
And re-discovering,
That peace within..,
In my (sometimes (if not often) opinionated) opinion..,
..,
And maybe my hard opinions (however often) manifest as my ego trying to compensate for insecurity that presently remains in me in order to prove that I’m “right” more than actually doing what I believe to be right..??
Guess it comes back to that inner peace development practice I presently see most fit..?
Riiiiiiiight??
Or no?
Or does “the one who knows ‘does not know’”?
Who said that again?
I forgot and just presently..,
Do not know..,
Yet do I really need,
To know?

(And I know I can always improve this post.., and sometimes it gets rough.. feeling that what I write, and/or however I try to express, is just.. “never good enough”.., anyway..),

Like..,
Is who first said “don’t push the river”,
More important than ACTUALLY living spontaneously without “pushing the river”..?
(AKA not trying too hard nor expecting unreasonably in this case (?))..,
..,
And yes in my opinion it’s about doing it,
NOT who said it..,
NOT about immensely analyzing it,
Because (for example),
That’s often the mind,
And/or may turn into excessive unclear thinking (?),
Instead of deepening our present awareness..?
And if I’m now being a hypocrite by now doing that, well I apologize for my mind as for that..,
?

And as for how this post continued,
I’ll continue by adding that I feel that:
I do believe in preserving history such as for experiencing a greater appreciation and therefore inner sensation(s) as for how lucky we are (that unfortunately my insatiable insecure ego often distracts me from..),
As for how the external present (and/or internal development traditions(?)) came to be(?),
Well..,
Even if it’s my ego (clinging to attachments to feel better),
?
Well..,
I’d still like to track (as much as we can),
As for how we,
Arrived here,

Ayii..,
Maybe I’m rambling again..?
And therefore must come back,
To my focusing on developing inner peace starting from within..,
?

Huhhhh..,

Among all the toxic energy,
That surrounds me,
Even if it’s being directed at me,
Such as others denying the reality of my balls being busted disproportionately,
Such as them getting mad as a result of me being honest about how they treat me..,
Haaa..,
Some compliment me on my memory,
Yet when I try politely being honest about some way they hurt me..,
They challenge me..,
Huhhh..,
Just gotta find how to re-cultivate that peace in me..,
??
..,
And if their intimidating energy,
Prevents me from giving them at least one specific example on the spot..,
Oh how they’ll use it against me..,
And others will view me as crazy..,
Just gotta..,
Rediscover that peace in me..,

Maybe I’ll (also) see teenagers,
Or those far younger than me,
With confidence that I never had at that age,
And/or,
With MORE confidence than me..,
Even if they’re..,
I guess..(?),
10-15 years (or more!) YOUNGER than me (now at) age 27..,
(As of July 31st, 2022),
Oh..,
How I used to get bullied and excluded WAY back then..,
I just,
Feel I must,
Once again..,
Find a way to develop peace within..,

And yes,
I worry about winding up,
In some,
Brutal institution(s),
Or whatever horrifying external location(s),
Largely due to,
Not managing NEEDED inner peace cultivation..,
And therefore cultivating..,
Further delusion..,
Oh how I wish it did NOT feel as hard as it felt to remain for me previously, presently and yes what’s to come for me definitely concerns me,
So I’d say I must once again remember to try the best I can,
To develop that peace,
Within,

Sometimes my (exacerbated/remaining) emotional hyper-alert inner tension,
Additionally interferes with my (as I often feel) innate weaker than average ability at paying attention..,
And sometimes instead of understanding the insights (and/or information) others are sharing..,
Sometimes I just take in the frustration energy they are expressing..,
Such as smart, aware and spot on political (even) membership funded commentators bloviating..,
(Not sure if that was the best example worth using (?) but anyway..),
..,
I feel I,
Just gotta return to that inner peace cultivation..,
So I do NOT get myself in trouble,
Nor get forced or however dependent on harmful medication(s)..,
Oh how there’s always something wrong to go on and on about..,
..,
And in a world with a history,
And warlike energy (to varying literal and figurative extents) present reality(?)..,
If I want to help..,
I’d say I must start..,
By trying to rediscover how to cultivate,
That peace in me,
..,
Especially,
Evidently,
So I’m not LITERALLY somehow destroyed by the surrounding painful energy..,

I feel that,
I must remind myself,
To rediscover that peace in me,
Especially since my (if I used the right words and in a sufficient order to describe this..(?)) innate and exacerbated emotional hyper-alertness,
Can derail me,
Quite easily,

Huhhh..,
I feel,
I can NOT change the others I fail to avoid,
..,
And I just may be more vulnerable,
If and when caught up in a,
Void,
??

And I’m sorry if my victim mentality,
May be adding to that destructive negative energy(?),
Yet..,
I’m just trying to take a clear honest look,
To understand,
Myself,
Honestly..,

Among all that inevitably surrounds me,
Such as people and their insecure mean energy,
That I can NOT change,
I feel I must,
Remind myself,
To rediscover,
Or..,
Re-cultivate,
Or..,
Clear,
That unconscious built up inner tension,
(Such as witnessing the sensations, starting with my natural inhale and exhalations(?)),
So I discover,
And/or develop,
The peace I need,
To keep going,

INSTEAD of being internally triggered and/or weighed down by my surroundings,
I feel I must,
To the best of my present ability,
Remind myself,
Of how to find,
And/or develop,
That inner peace I need,
By starting that development process by witnessing whatever is all (and/or infinitely) that I’m experiencing such as my naturally occurring breathing and/or inner sensations I’m experiencing..,
So yes..,
I guess(?) I can say that one way..,
Is if I can remind myself to see,
What is naturally occurring inwardly..,
Without resisting..,
Yet just witnessing and allowing for settling,
Allowing for tension and inner-tightening due to resisting (such as trying to block out (as for resisting, so NOT trying to create tension by INSTEAD NOT blocking out and therefore consciously noticing is what I’m attempting at sufficiently clearly conveying (just felt a need for clarifying (and sorry if that made it more confusing (?))))) what I’m experiencing (such as pain) reducing..?
And/or cultivating peace by noticing and accepting..?
And I’m sorry if I’m preaching..,
Yet I feel I really NEED reminding..,

To keep going,
In whatever surroundings,

And of course (I feel) there’s always that uncertainty,
Yet,
I feel I must keep trying to cultivate,
And/or find,
That peace in me,
..,
So I remain on a track,
Or path..,
That,
Best suits me,
And of course is the safest and best travel for me,

And even though I feel that I felt my whole life,
That there’s been a recurrence of,
Dark experiences such as repeated failed attempts at socializing and painful rejection(s).. (such as sometimes by many groups and/or cliques at once..)..,
And therefore more attempts at socializing ending up in brutal rejection(s)..,
Well..,
Instead of my mind making me feel bad that I’m a victim..,
Instead of making my victimhood feel additionally worse by NOT addressing YET merely negatively dwelling on it..,
Well,
I guess I can just go back to witnessing,
What I’m presently experiencing,
And just keep on trying,
At accepting,
Whatever appears to be happening,
And letting go of that limiting inner resisting such as tightening and tension building(?),
And notice settling and therefore accepting (as for what I just can NOT change(?))..,
And I hope that did NOT sound too confusing..,

??

Just saying,

Just noticing,

Whatever I’m experiencing,

And trying,

To find,
And/or of course,
Re-cultivate,
Or,
Rediscover,

Peace,

In myself,
In,
Whatever surroundings