If I knew It would come to This

(Re-posted)

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have tried to leave sooner,
I would have addressed the situation clearer,
I would have tried to find something that just felt to help me more..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would NOT have succumbed to the beliefs they forced on me,
I would have NOT unquestionably,
Blindly did what they ordered of me,
In order to merely become friends with them,
I would’ve INSTEAD stuck with what felt more true to ME,
Instead of just doing what THEY saw in me,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have kept my distance,
Ohh how I could have avoided,
And learned so much more,
And be functioning so much clearer and coherently,
..,
Oh if I foresaw all this,
How I just may have avoided,
So..,
So much of this,
Harmfulness,
And/or,
Whichever term(s),
In whichever order(s),
May more clearly,
Express,
This..,
??
Oh..,
If I knew..,
If I just knew it would come to this..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NEVER seeked their honesty,
If I knew that it would come to a place that would further damage me..,
If I knew they had no important honest truths that could’ve helped me and them evidently,
Such as peaceful energy,

If I knew It would come to This,
I never would have went to them for support,
If I knew they would NOT want to identify the causes,
And instead just prefer CRITICIZING me for outcomes of my efforts while they remained emotionally distant,
Such as indicating how my behavior has been appearing “disturbing”,
Instead of offering any emotional understanding,
And step by step HOW TO suggestions as for healing,
And ALSO joining me in efforts for their own well-being,
Such as by increasing the likelihood of deepened friendship building..,
And well..,
If I knew it would come to this,
I would NOT have boarded a friendship,
That I knew would end up sinking..,
So now,
I just gotta,
Keep swimming,
..,
And sometimes when I lose energy,
And/or proper technique,
I’ll become desperate for help,
And will become emotionally dependent on more who remain emotionally distant..,
And,
If,
I end up feeling like the only one there for me has been too frequently emotionally distant..,
I would say emotional/social “Stockholm Syndrome” may be a way to describe it..?
Oh how it’s felt hard finding a good fit..,
Oh if I knew I may have become harmfully dependent..,
Oh how I would have instead avoided so,
So much of all that..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NEVER tried as hard to please them,
Especially if I knew,
That it would always result in some new,
Way,
That they’d,
Hurtfully,
Damagingly,
Criticize me,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have never tried as hard to conform to their expectations,
If I predicted that they’d have totally unexpected expectations..,
If I predicted they’d respond with advice and criticism,
Instead of being there for me,
How I needed it empathically,
Which may have really helped me find the inner strength I needed,
To fulfill more of my responsibility,
Including accessing and emanating more,
Helpful,
Social,
Peaceful energy,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would’ve avoided them,
If I knew that when I was struggling,
That the way they’d respond,
Would just increase confusion and suffering,
Oh if I knew they’d offer me nothing,

If I knew It would come to This,
Instead of just trying to please them,
By going against what I feel,
To please their insatiable egos by saying I was “wrong”,
Well,
Instead,
I just may have initially chose another path to travel along..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would NOT have chose to go along with them,
As they’d truthfully ignore it,
Instead of trying to take a deeper look at the source(s) of it,
In order to prevent all the wasteful pain and bullshit,
..,
As for my beliefs,
Instead of trying to please,
I would have tried to remain in alignment,
In viable ways I saw as fit,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have known that,
Just like they do “NOT need me”,
That I would have done,
So much better,
WITHOUT them,
Probably to a more,
NEEDED,
Degree..,

If I knew It would come to This,
Although some may have sometimes been there,
I guess(?),
I would NOT have reached out,
If I knew they’d so often be elsewhere,
Even as for moments in which they’ve been there..,
Oh if I could see,
More clearly,
That they were filled with so much emotions,
That wanted to remain and increase distance,
From,
My,
Beingness,
Oh if I could have saw that it would come to this,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have put an end to that,
I would have got myself out of that,
Of course I never would have went along with that..,
Especially if I could more clearly see ahead of me,
That it was going to become like that,
That it was going to turn me into that..,
That it was going to fill me with so much inner insecure overcast energy,
That would then cause me to miss out on so much I could have been appreciating,
Including,
What I could have been doing and experiencing,
Especially,
If I knew,
A better way,
How to truly experience clearly..,
And if I could see what my future would do to me,
If I went another way,
As for so much of them,
I CERTAINLY,
Would have stayed away,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have stayed away completely,
If I had known they’d try to handle their insecurity,
By selfishly messing around,
With,
My,
Autistic,
Neurodivergent,
Hard to manage..,
Energy..,
Oh I would have tried to stay away completely,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NEVER tried to be the conscious,
Kind and thoughtful person I feel to have been,
If I knew,
They’d take NOTHING I tried so hard to offer into consideration..,
Welp..,
Guess I’ll have to try to find more people who are MORE helpfully present(?),
LESS emotionally distant,
And want to engage in LESS toxic bullshit..,
And instead,
Accompany me in my efforts,
Of viable,
Inner development(?),
Instead of just cruelly dismissing all of it..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I NEVER would have reached out to them,
If I knew they were mostly going to DISMISS me,
If I knew they were going to challenge me,
If I knew they were going to GASLIGHT me,
Oh if I knew,
I would have,
Avoided them COMPLETELY,

If I knew It would come to This,
I NEVER would have worked there,
If I knew that I would get in trouble for (even to a slight (or less) degree),
When RARELY..,
Talking to customers the way they would talk to me,
..,
Huhh..,
I now struggle to be a (as they say) “straight-up” guy,
And I try to the best and safest of my ability (based on how I see),
I believe,
In civilized society (yes),
Yet,
I ALSO believe to safely advocate for myself,
And find the environment that is a sufficiently MORE compatible fit,
And since I feel to have received from others,
Lots of pointless cruel bullshit,
I just had enough of it,
So I’d say..,
To put it (I guess(?)) more expressively (angrily(?)) bluntly(?)..,
To paraphrase the quote,
Well,
I believe to live as free as I can,
Until I die,
..,
I’ll just try to remain sane,
peaceful,
safe and strong as that straight-up guy,
..,
And of course,
Regardless of how the external treats me(?),
Although I can,
Well..,
It’s just been a struggle to discover,
Build and sustain,
That inner peace in me..,
Oh if I would have known how they all would have really been towards me..,
Oh if I had known initially,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NOT let them shut me down,
And I would have,
NOT put up with any of that..,
Ohhh..,
If I only would have known it would come to that..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would NOT have tried to join that team,
And instead would have tried to follow,
A more practical,
Compatible,
Dream,
Or how about (as I may also figuratively say(?)),
I just may also have instead (after jumping in) been “flowing down a more ‘gentle’ stream”(?),
And regardless of what is the best,
Deepest,
Fancy helpful metaphor(?),
Well,
I’d say I trust that many of you,
Or however many,
Can,
Sufficiently helpfully,
Empathetically,
Understand me,
Regardless of whatever happens to be the reality(?),

If I knew It would come to This,
I would NOT,
Have continued to put up with that,
And..,
Must I continue with this..?
Okay..,
I’ll add this:

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have not joined those,
Who just talk a lot about having good spirit,
Yet who actually (as I feel) lack it,
Such as getting mad at me,
INSTEAD of having the spirit to accept and help me,
When I’m struggling in spirit(s)..,
Oh..,
If I only could see that it would come to that..,
And,
It would’ve (I’d say) helped me out,
If I just,
Knew how to better avoid so much more,
If not all,
Of that..,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have spent more time around those who could’ve helped join me in a VIABLE inner development effort,
Instead of hanging around the type of crowd who constantly (however directly and/or indirectly) would blame me for “killin’ the vibe”,
And therefore NOT working on themselves (for whatever reason(s)) internally and unfortunately immensely blaming the external for their bad feelings..,
And sometimes I just FAIL to avoid WORKING with those types of people..,
Oh what a struggle..,
And..,
Yes..,
I know (as I feel to believe) the external is (often) challenging and (according to me) feelings do NOT (often) change instantly,
Yet,
I feel we do NOT get to any inner source(s) that need healing,
Merely by complaining,
Wining,
And/or however negatively blaming our external surroundings (including others like myself),
And therefore I feel that,
No matter how much we are a victim in reality..,
Well..,
A victim mentality,
Traps us more deeply in painful negativity,
..,
I feel that it,
Does NOT help us emotionally (and does NOT however inwardly) heal,
and,
(I guess therefore(?)),
Does NOT help us develop strength inwardly,
And therefore only (and/or mostly) adds more harmful NEGATIVITY,
Which worsens our reality..,
Which depletes our inner strength and makes us more likely to be a vulnerable victim again,
Especially since (I feel) that inner negativity takes away from our strength to survive in a brutal and judgmental society(?),
And as for a suggestion,
Well,
I guess(?) we can start by noticing our breath and cultivating peaceful inner acceptance (of what we can NOT change) as for part of and/or one of my opinions..,
?

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NEVER let them do what they did to me,
ESPECIALLY..,
If I knew they would end up,
Forever leaving,
Forever ghosting me..,
Oh I thought they’d never deliberately do this..,
Oh how if I’d known it would come to this,
Oh how I wish I was more AWARE of the likelihood of all this..,
Huhhhhhh..,

If I knew It would come to This..,
Ohhh,
How I would have done so,
So much,
To prevent experiencing all this damaging painfulness!!
Oh if I only knew they were going to hurt and cut me off like this!!
Oh if I knew they were NO less mainstream,
Than those who previously rejected me..,
Oh if I only admitted it to myself!!
That they were just like the rest of them!!
DAMN!!!

If I knew It would come to This,
If I knew their intricate difference(s),
In so many ways,
Was just NO different,
In so many..,
Damaging ways..,
Huhh,
If I just could more clearly have spotted,
All this!!

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NEVER enrolled in that,
I would have NEVER,
Signed up,
For any of that,
Oh if I only would have known it would come to all that,

If I knew It would come to This,
I INSTEAD would have decided this..,
And all of that,
And,
WOW,
How,
UNaware,
I was,
Of all this,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have NEVER took the “support” they (or the few of them) offered me,
If I knew that meant they’d just respond to my text messages,
Very RARELY,
And/or incredibly BRIEFLY..,
Huhhh..,
Oh the IRONY..,
Oh how they FOOLED me..,
Man..,
And how I tried to offer,
To,
In RETURN be there,
And sometimes (such as with developing true conscious understanding),
Yet I wish,
That there was more here,
For me..,
That they’d been able to reciprocate with,
Evidently..,
Ohhhhhhh..,
If I only knew..,

If I knew It would come to This,
Although (as I believe) I did NOT choose to have autism,
Well..,
I would have chose another life,
In a more,
Compatible,
Culture,
System,
Of systems..,
..,
Yet..,
I’d say I,
Just gotta keep at it..,
Aside from however else I (and/or whoever else) can just keep explaining it,

If I knew It would come to This,
And if I could choose,
I would have chose,
A different life experience,

If I knew It would come to This,
Presence,
I would say,
That I’m continuing my best way,
To live a new,
Different,
More present life,
In,
This life,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have chose,
To think less excessively,
And more clearly,
And I would have chose,
To remind myself,
To stay,
More true to me,
And live my life,
More of the way,
That I,
See,
..,
Of course,
If I knew it would come to this,
Evidently,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would NEVER have opened up to them,
I would have NEVER expressed and I would have NEVER shared how I felt with them,
If I had known they’d respond like that,
Oh if I had only known,
That it would end up,
Like that,

If I knew It would come to This,
I guess,
I must’ve,
Just,
Witnessed,
And consciously removed myself,
Instead of becoming lost,
In all of this,
..,
If I knew,
That it would come,
To,
This,

If I knew It would come to This,
I would have chose,
To go down more suitable paths,
Leading to more,
Real,
Positivity,
And,
Peacefulness..,
Oh if I had known that it INSTEAD could have been this