The two words “separate entity”,
(In that order..),
Gives me insecurity,
Because it makes me feel that I have to prove I’m “worth it”,
Yet regardless of how separate I could be,
Well..,
I just gotta chill,
Gotta dissipate,
If not healthily instantly eradicate,
That toxic insecurity,
The word self-esteem pressures me to improve my self-esteem,
Yes..,
I feel,
It’s my ego..,
That just blinds me out of the flow,
My ego separates me,
Instead of helps immerse me,
It makes me want attention as the surfer,
Instead of joining on the same wavelength,
With all others,
As the water..,
Ahhh..,
I’ll surf then want attention and forget what I’m doing..,
Then I’ll lose my emotional balance off my board..,
Then I’ll fall in,
Get smashed by waves,
Then I’ll gasp for air..,
And those who sensed my self-absorption will leave me there..,
And they may make me suffer to “teach me a lesson”..,
YET..,
I will NOT learn accordingly,
Because I’ll drown in unconsciousness..,
Because those on the wavelength will reject me..,
And I’m like,
Fuck you and y’all COLLECTIVE EGO IDENTITY..,
Ahhhh..,
The ego just,
Grabs me out of the water..,
Ahhh..,
It tells me that if I do NOT listen to it,
Then in time it “will NOT get better”,
Huhh..,
I (feel I) just gotta keep trying to relax with the water,
Join with the river..?
Or just..,
Just..,
Do what makes me feel better..,
Just gotta relax and get BACK in synch with the water,
That my furthest prehistoric ancestors came from right??
Before they became “homosapians” riiiiiight?
Ohhh I remember as a kid thinking I’d one day become a “paleontologist”..,
Ohhhh..,
How wrong I was..,
Man..,
They wanted to put me in a special school..,
God DAMN..,
Oh how I was a FOOL..,
Huhh..,
Wouldn’t have it been nice to just have INNATELY been more compatible!!?
Damn..,
Fuck those who did not welcome me onto the same wavelength..,
Fuck those who wanted to drown me,
Fuck those who just wanted to perpetuate their insecurity..,
Whatever..,
(Aside from all needed introspective self-aware/improvement analysis),
I guess I just hope my present life experience..,
More often..,
Feels,
Better
??
Zach Dana Writing 