Friendship Stockholm Syndrome

Tuhh..,
I feel that,
A guy who told me,
“You have to choose friends wisely”,
Was also NOT a good friend for me..,
Like that time I asked what he did for work and he was like..,
“I already told you 😑😑😑”,
And I’m like to myself..,
“You ain’t good for me”..,
And if it was me well I feel I would have repeated myself patiently..,
Yet..,
He just was the only peer there for me,

Aside from that..,
I feel I may describe (a lot of) it..,
Similar to how I did in my post titled: “If I knew IT would come to This”..,
That well..,
I may have often experienced what could be described as social/emotional (and/or “friendship”) “Stockholm Syndrome”,

Hence,
When the isolation gets to me,
I keep going back to the only friends who invite me,
Yet,
They STILL act UNkind to me,
To of course,
Compensate for their insecurity,
And since (in my belief) this does NOT heal the inner sources of it,
Yet,
They just keep treating me like shit,
And..,
When I confront them for it,
They just keep on denying the reality of it,

And when I lose it,
They continue to gaslight me,
And therefore try to tell me that I was the one who was “crazy”,
That I was the one who was (and/or is) “wrong”,
Since their messed up egos can NOT admit the reality,
That their dominant energy is mean and irrational,
And mine is kind and peaceful..,

They just remain unaware..,
Of how much it is,
Unfair,

And as for the rare moments when I have been severely out of it..,
Some (if not many) just blame me for it,
Instead of helpfully understanding,
Instead of empathetically helping me reduce and/or prevent it,
Which may also help them cultivate more inner peace(?),
Therefore they’ll have LESS unconscious insecurity to dump on me (due to trying to feel more secure and a sense of power..),
So instead we’ll BOTH be cultivating peace properly..,
We’ll both be improving ourselves internally which we can utilize EXTERNALLY,
Yet (I feel that) since this unfortunately is NOT the mainstream reality..,
I therefore must keep working to discover a more like-minded friend group community..,
As I keep trying to further let go of the others and all they did to me,

Oh how isolation has been a struggle,
And sometimes the only ones who end up responding are those who are severely INCOMPATIBLE..,
And when I keep it real they act as if I’m “delusional”,

Huhhh..,
I seek more strength,
Of finding and developing more friendships around those who are more HELPFUL,

One in which I give kind energy,
That they reciprocate fairly,
And in any few moments when I may be struggling,
Instead of merely criticizing,
Instead of doing whatever (due to whatever) that is worsening,
They’ll (hopefully INSTEAD) offer compassionate understanding,
And (hopefully) they’ll (sufficiently) know how to ACTUALLY help,
In the process of,

For all of us,

Inner healing..,

And well..,
Maybe I can just keep trying to properly work on myself(?)..,
And as for most others I’ll have to get myself to stop dreaming..,
And hopefully expect (mostly if not totally) nothing..,
And find more peace in me,
Especially since I feel I can NOT change others,
And/or,
I can NOT change my external surroundings,

I hope for more peace,
To grow in me,
Of course,
Internally