Clearly Implied

Even though to many this may,
“Not sound that bad”,
As for what you did to me,
The effects it had on me,
Just happened to be,

Even though I must NOT let what those like you did to me,
“Hold me back”,
Well a lot of what happened,
Remains in me and makes it hard for me to keep focus,
On a helpful,
Self-serving track,

Even though I may have forgot a lot,
Even though I may NOT include that much,
I feel what I list here,
In whatever ways to whatever extents,
So much MORE,

Even though the memories are fading,
I still know you acted messed up towards me,
So just so,
At least some believe me when I say you bullied me,
I’ll include these:

I’ll start with this,
When doing layups at basketball practice..,
Someone passed me the basketball,
It bounced off my head,
You confidently sarcastically asked,
While patting me on the back..,
“Are you okay little boy?”
And everyone laughed,
And I shrunk even deeper into painful anxiety and feelings of powerless inferiority,

At the end of practice,
You got me physically restrained,
And you were like,
“I wonder if I can pull your leg out of its socket?”
And you just kept at it,
Even when it was clear that I was NOT nearly as able to equally play along with it,

There was..,
That time at the rec center,
When I was playing bumper pool with my brother,
And without saying a word,
You decided to come watch us,
Then I got nervous since you were there,
Then I made a bad shot,
Then you sarcastically said “nice shot”,
And I’m like,
“Well I barely play this”,
And you said,
“Yeah sure..”
So you once again seized another opportunity to add to your power trip of making me feel more deeply inferior,

And if you do NOT remember this,
May you remember,
That you were NOT as badly affected by all this,
So that’s why,
Incase you forgot a lot,
I evidently,
Have NOT,

There was the time in the high school library,
When I was getting special learning support I needed,
So my autistic learning needs were sufficiently met,
Yet at the end of the day when the final bell was about to ring and all the students were by the door waiting to exit,
You asked,
“Why do you always meet with that lady? Are you stupid or something?”
Then I anxiously politely responded by telling you that “I just get help with schoolwork”,
Then your friend was like to me,
“You’re stupid”,

And after all the hard work my parents went through,
All their battles with the administration..,
To make sure I got as much of the NEEDED support in school that I could..,
Instead of just becoming even more shut down on medication (which seemed to be their solution..),
You just had to make it harder for me,
And harder for my parents due to me getting depressed,
Largely due to how people like you would treat me..,

(Like I just said in the above stanza..),
Since the school could NOT seem to stop the bullying,
They wanted to put me on medication to try to “block out” my anxiety and depression that was being exacerbated from those like you,
And if I got forced on heavy loads of medication,
Oh who knows the effects it could have had on me!?
I do NOT even know if I would still be alive today?
Who knows if I would be functioning in nearly as good of a way?
(And although I feel I’m still not, yet, (I feel) it could very likely have been way WORSE..),
And as for medication..,
Well personally,
I often felt it made staying balanced overall more challenging for me..,
I do NOT feel it addressed NOR helped heal the inner roots of what was bothering me..,
It just was NOT for me..,
Yet essentially..,
Having autism made functioning in a world of dickheads excessively painful for me,
Even when I was younger they never thought I’d make it in a “normal school”,
They wanted to conveniently NOT have to deal with me,
They wanted to put me in an environment even LESS mainstream that would’ve ended up making me even LESS familiar and LESS equipped for survival in the mainstream..,
And well,
Even though it could have been way WORSE if handled differently..(?),
It was still hard for me,
To make it through,
Largely due to those like you..,

And your meanness did NOT “toughen me up”,
It mostly just,
Messed me up,
And now (due to many others as well) I have all this brutal excess inner insecurity,
That limits me,
That damages my ability at letting go of what’s toxic,
That severely inhibits my ability at remaining focused on what is GOOD for me..,
That makes me more susceptible to harmfully self-medicate to block out the pain..,
Sometimes I lose sleep due to all my inner shit..,
Sometimes I really lose it..,

Of course it was NOT just what you did,
There’s lots to it..,
Yet just..,
Being autistic..,
In the culture I was in,
For me,
Was a major loss..,
In so many ways..,

And evidently,
I STILL struggle to clear the inner pain that remains in me largely as a result of what those like you have done to me,
As I try to move forward,
It still weighs in me,
It still holds me back..,


There was that time in gym class when I threw the football and it did NOT spiral well,
And you were like,
“What the hell was that!!? You call yourself a football player!!?”
Yeah I even remember you being a dick to that guy Peter..,
Especially since people like us were far less confident,
Far WORSE gym class volleyball players..,

And even though I may have forget a lot of other damaging shit you did to me,
I’d say that as for what I do remember and shared here,
It’s clearly implied,
That there was just so much more,

And even though you may excuse what you did as “joking”,
I’d say that,
Due to our stages of development,
You sensed my innate autistic social/emotional/learning weaknesses,
And to feel more secure and in power,
You just had to seize the opportunity to make me feel inferior,

Yeah I wish bullying was NOT the dominant culture,
I wish we were taught compassion,
And well,
Since I can NOT change others (therefore) including you,
Whenever I fail to avoid them,
I just have to remind myself,
To not get dangerously lost in emotion,
I must remember,
Now is a time to sustain peaceful civil (internal/external) action,
So I do NOT lose my shit,
Then wind up in prison,
The psych ward,
The streets,
Or whatever happens to dangerously worsen my situation,
And causes me to spiral into more dark and painful delusion,

Yeah I’d say for a number of reasons,
It’s been hard for me,
Remaining peaceful,
And well,
If I do NOT remain peaceful,
My life will just get additionally hard,
So it’s felt excessively painful,
Feeling I can NOT escape what feels,
Excessively painful,

You done a lot to me,
And I can NOT do anything to you,
Or else it’ll just get worse for me,

Yeah I’d appreciate an apology,
Yet I can NOT force you to do anything,
And of course,
I would NOT want to make anything dangerously worse,

I just gotta,
Hopefully go back to that inner peace cultivating..,

And yeah,
I try (yet struggle) to let it go,
And I know,
Or I’d guess..(?),
That whatever you did to me,
And however I destructively reacted to it..,
You were going through whatever you remember and can speak for,
And well,
As for then,
I did NOT know how to properly handle it,

I did NOT know how to inwardly properly respond to (being a victim of) any forms of unavoidable bullying/mistreatment,

And as for the pain that remains in me due to it,
I guess I’ll just keep trying to “cut the strings”,
“Unhook the chains” that remain attached to it,

Oh man..,
I just fail so often at sufficiently letting go of it..,


And yep..,
I hopefully,
Become more free,
LESS inwardly weighed down and/or exhausted,
From inner pain due to my past,

Such as..,

All that,

And well,
Even though I can always include more examples,
And even though I may always make clearer or deeper any example I include,
Including how I’m explaining this,

And regardless of however I may revise and add to this post(?),
(If ever),

I hope(?) that enough of what I had to share here,


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