Remaining with Me

If they say I have to,
“Fake it until I make it”,
Well..,
I fail at faking it..,
Too much,
To sufficiently conform to their expectations,
Of what I must do,
To,
“Make it..”,

Huhh..,

It’s been hard trying to stay true..,
While doing what they expect me to,

Of course it’s NOT just about me,
Yet I just constantly fail at remaining synchronous,
And others have ZERO tolerance,
And others make it harder for me,
And too often it exacerbates my neurodivergent hyper-emotional insecurity,
And they just make me feel worse,
By totally,
Perpetually,
Blaming me,

Huhh..,
I wish it felt easier,
To attain and sustain more,
Helpful,
Power,
Sometimes it’s not just,
“Whatever”,
Sometimes I just feel a NEED to..,
More DEEPLY,
Truthfully,
Meaningfully,
Get it together,

I try suppressing it,
They way they expect it,
Yet I just can NOT sufficiently manage it..,

Huhh..,
There’s always new phrases I’m learning,
New ways of wording,
And new ways the obsessive compulsive insecurity still limits me..,
Especially in my creativity..,

Huhh..,

Well I guess one thing I’ll say/repeat,
Is that although many may consider what I experienced as,
“Not that bad”,
Well,
The effects on me,
Felt BAD,

And they still do,
I still struggle,
With emotional hyper-reactivity,
I still struggle with confidence,
Learning disabilities,
And finding those who are sufficiently kind to me..,

Man..,
The struggles just remain with me

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