Hurtful Double Standards

They’ll vent what they want to vent about,
And when it’s me venting,
It’s “I don’t want to hear it”,

For example,
Even though I know..,
Many may still exclaim,
“Just let the past go!”
Leaving me feeling more criticized,
And inwardly held back..,
And the energy of their hurtful critical advice,
Often makes it even HARDER for me,
To remain on a better track,

They’ll bloviate and negatively express whatever they feel they need to “get off their chest”,
And when I do it,
They feel I,
“Kill the vibe”,

They’ll laugh at me,
And will get mad at me when I laugh at them,

They’ll use it against me,
When I treat them the way they treat me,
Even to a much smaller degree,

I just feel so often,
Feel stuck and surrounded by forces of irrationality,
That’ll always hurtfully attack me,
No matter how much I try to make myself heard,
Clearly and rationally,
They’ll dig up the slightest imperfections they find in me,
To try to feel a sense of power to please their insatiable egoic insecurity,

And since their egos would feel threatened,
If (for example) I even politely slightly mentioned and/or implied that they’re being egoistic..,
I believe that since the ego may feel threatened by feeling egotistic,
Since the ego might want to view itself as “egoless”..,
They’re just going to respond by being more of a defensive prick..,

I still immensely struggle with energy,
And well,
I feel so many forces,
Just make it,
So much more harmful,
So much harder for me..,

They’ll claim there is “NOT a friendship hierarchy”,
They’ll order me,
And so often,
I’ll comply precisely,

And they’ll tell me to “shut up”,
Or somehow shut me down,
When I have a request of them,

I feel,
They always feel a need to be above me,
And when I honestly,
Even politely keep it real,
They gaslight me,
And try to make it appear that it’s me who is “crazy”..,

They’ll do all they do to me,
They’ll never expect me to get angry,
Then conforming to their expectations and suppressing my true feelings will become harder and harder..,
And when I break they’ll be like,
“He’s too crazy”,

They just,
Can NOT admit,
The effects they have on me,
They just want to completely blame me,
So they do NOT feel worse insecurity,

Who really knows..(?),
And I guess we can always learn more..(?),
And I guess a lot of it,
As for contexts like this..,
Doesn’t sufficiently matter..(?),

Yet I’m like,
How about we all make decisions..,
That’ll help all of us(?),
And we may talk and agree on it,
Yet we just,
Never seem to get to it,
We just,
Never seem to keep at it,
We end up feeling,
For whatever reasons,
That it’s just,
“Not worth it”..,

I guess it’s just how I often interpret lots of it..(?),

And as for me,
I feel,
I just had more than enough,
Of so much of it..,
It’s just felt so hard,
Finding a sufficient,

And I keep going back to them,
Due to shared bad habits,
Due to them being the only friends who have ever been around,
The only friends I found,
And well,
Now once again,

So many of them,
Just decided to leave me,

I can NOT even get them to have a brief video chat with me..,
I hate having my neurodivergent learning challenges and social adversity..,

They’ll say stuff I agree with,
Such as “not letting the past hold me back”,
Yet them,
Among so many,
Still make it so much harder for me,
To remain,
On a needed,
More helpful,

As always,
I’m doing all I can,
To sufficiently,

On track

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