Sick of Me

Huhh..,
I just get sick of feeling stuck in less confident,
Less alert,
More socially anxious places..,
..,
Or I just get sick of being stuck in,
Whatever less developed stages,
For (seemingly) longer,
Than most others,

I just must accept I may be in my mom’s house,
Or wherever I’m at,
For however longer,
And well..,
That inner resistance of the moment,
Just fills me with tension,
It just,
Does NOT help me do what I must to feel better,
It does not help me function better,
..,

Due to many bad experiences,
Rejections,
Having autism among any number of bad experiences,
I tend to avoid people,
Because I feel,
They’ll just end up getting sick of me,
They’ll just end up no longer wanting to spend time with me,

And I’ve struggled to be with myself,
There’s a lot that I see that just happens to be in me,
That I do NOT like NOR expect others to like about myself,

Hence,
If I can’t tolerate something about myself,
I don’t expect others to tolerate it either,

Yet,
(I feel),
May we NOT forget,
That we’re not perfect,
Including,
There’s certain stuff we can’t always change nor avoid,
So,
In addition to trying to make it work better and better,
Why not try to develop that peaceful acceptance of what we can’t presently change?
Why add more inner tense resistance that LIMITS what we’re able to be with?

More tolerance,
And more acceptance,
I feel will of course help me internally,
It’ll help me feel more at peace,
It’ll help me feel more positive,
It’ll help me more likely feel happy more often(?),
And since my ongoing healing/improving energy,
Such as deeper positivity,
May emanate externally(?),
Well,
Hopefully,
Just hopefully,
More others who I wish to be around socially,
May just happen to have an easier time,
Positively,
Sticking with me?

I just must,
Remember,
To keep developing that likable,
Peaceful energy,
Within me,
That’ll hopefully increasingly,
Grow within,
And surround,
Whoever and whatever I’m around,
Externally

?

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