As Expected

(I wrote the first draft of this post on March 11th, 2022)

While on a road trip to see family with my mom in St. Louis county..,
While stopped in the car after a lot of driving for a rest in some parking lot in Illinois..
While I couldn’t sleep..,
And after struggling to meditate in the car..,
I swiped on Tinder..,
And as expected..,
The negativity once again filled me..,

Since..,
This woman on Tinder (in addition to a shit-tone of judgmental meanness in her bio (such as “it doesn’t matter how tall you are, you’re still a twat”)) ends her bio with,
..
“If you don’t have a job, I can’t stand to look at you”,
..
Instead of just politely inquiring something such as “I would like to know what you do for work..?”
So essentially,
Her bio description (similar to countless others I’ve seen..),
Emanated all this mainstream bullyish (and/or of course.. JUDGMENTAL) immensely painful negativity,
Instead of compassion,
Instead of showing any signs of positive inner awareness to emanate a kind good spirit,
To not make it harder for POWERLESS INDIVIDUALS (like me) to experience less excessive inner bullshit,
..
And instead of saying something to help anyone (even herself) move towards more feelings of confidence and inner EMPOWERMENT…
So we inwardly struggle with LESS and instead have an easier time looking for and KEEPING a job..,

She could’ve said..
“I like to meditate”,
(And of course I DOUBT she does..),
Yet if she tries to she probably sucks at it due to all her unprocessed and uncleared inner HATE..,
That (as in her bio),
She seemingly uncontrollably happens to EMANATE..,
..
Not saying that deep down I’m any “better”..,
Yet I’d never want to work with anyone like her..,
And yeah I do feel I’m far nicer,

And since at places I’ve worked..,
I’ve worked with so much people like her,
And like..,
How does that make me obtain and keep a new job any damn easier!!?

How does criticism (or abusive energy) like her’s,
Help someone like me,
Feel less inwardly weighed down to make (as I said),
Obtaining and keeping a job,
Feel sufficiently tolerable or adequately meaningfully sustainable!!?
..
Instead of being filled with more painful demons that contribute to horrible insecurity and obsessive behavior that caused me to quit my last job!!?
..
Because all the damn negativity exacerbated my unhealed past history,
Resulting in brutal obsessive compulsive,
Excessive perfectionist behavior,
To try to feel more “secure”,
(Such as repeatedly filming juggling videos while having to first put on my clothes the “proper way”.. etc.. etc.. etc.. causing me to do the most irrational obsessive behavior for my insatiable damaged ego to feel “better” about itself since other egos made it feel horrible about itself.. Instead of more of us doing a better job at inwardly clearing our insatiable egos that don’t make us happy because instead of healing ourselves internally they never seem to stop looking externally.. (in my belief)),

And I know I could have become better at staying strong in the negativity and inwardly practicing being less hurt by it,

But still..,
It was people like her,
Who made keeping a job..,
So..
So much damn harder..,

And since I got triggered by her I swiped right,
So incase I “matched” while then visiting the midwest,
..
I could have gave her a piece of my mind,

And no matter how (even politely) rational I could be,
She wouldn’t respond rationally,
Since she’s filled with unconscious abusive insatiable power hungry toxicity..,
That’s what I’d say is a likely unfortunate probability..,

And I got triggered..,
Because seemingly,
(Regardless of whatever she’s been or going through..),
I HIGHLY DOUBT she has been through what I been through and what I’m still going through,
(Such as autism and all that bullshit I post about..),

Yet I know..,
If a person such as that emanates energy that is hurtful,
Then they’re probably hurting,
Etc, etc..,

??

So essentially,
Lucky for her..,
Keeping a job is seemingly WAY easier,
So I wish that description did NOT make me feel more upset,
And less motivated to look for work because just why the f*ck would I want to work with and please anyone like her!!?

Yet I get it,
I’m still accountable,
And I can NOT avoid sharing a world and work environments with people as unconscious and emotionally brutal as her,
And I just feel that it,
Just has too often for me,
Felt..,
Brutal..,
And sometimes it is so painful that I try to block out my truth and believe what other unconscious egos believe ..
Yet for me it just never seemed to work,
And sadly all that negativity seemingly impinges anyone’s inner capability..,
(Based on what it seems to me..),

Yet..,
I’ll keep trying to consciously detach from the negativity..,
I’ll try to be at more peace with what I can NOT change NOR avoid in reality..,

In my belief,
That kind of negativity,
Just prevents us from discovering and accessing new capabilities that could be reached and infinitely expanded upon in infinite ways..(?),

And I wish I was NOT as triggered by her,
And I wish I did NOT feel a NEED to write all this..,
So I wish her stupid bio wasn’t a “straw that broke my back” once again..,
And caused me to get pissed off and go through the trouble feeling pressured to post about it..,

Essentially..,
I don’t want this kind of stuff to get to me,
I don’t want those like her either to (of course) trigger plenty other bad or painful memories..,

And yes,
I do like writing,
And it helps make me feel I’m contributing in ways that are meaningful such as ATTEMPTING at expressing anything that may be helpful to myself and anyone when or after reading..(?),

But I’m just so done getting excessively triggered and way more negatively affected by the bullshit than I need to be..,

And NOT like I’d prefer experiencing my severe OCD which brutally inhibits my functioning instead of helping me having a job essential for contributing to society..,
So (as I’d guess(?)) she’s lucky she’s working and decently functioning!!
She’s lucky she definitely does NOT have autism or never had to do the work to OVERCOME all (or most of) it!!
(Yes.. as they say “you never know”.. but (as for her having autism like me) I highly doubt it..),
She’s lucky she has friends!!
She’s lucky she has had experiences that made her more confident to get more from the present!!

Okay Okay,
I get it..
I could be having it way worse,
And she’s (most probably(?)) not having it the best,
Or else she wouldn’t have said that in her bio..,
Don’t know..?

And I know..,
I’ll further remind myself that..,
In my belief..,
The energy we emanate externally may (I guess) indicate what we’re experiencing internally,
So to me it ALSO seems very likely..,
That she’s NOT preferably adjusted..,
So it’s very likely that I would NOT prefer to be her,

Nor would I prefer to feel the way I feel in this presence..,
And of course..,
I believe,
Hating others who hate..,
Seems to pass..,
Especially if we know how to properly work towards letting it go..?

And sometimes..,
..
Not most of the time..,
Yet..,
Sometimes,

Certain moments just feel great,

And of course,
I believe,
There’s always a deeper friendlier beingness,
Under the hate

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