I feel that:
Huhh..,
As for what I respond to externally and internally,
I struggle yet try to,
Respond with more and more,
Chill,
Peaceful energy..,
For one..,
Sometimes a lot of energy passes through me that I struggle to have the words for,
Yet..,
As (I think) I made clear before..(?),
Since words are words,
I can never perfectly capture a feeling (because a feeling is a feeling and therefore NOT words),
And if I end up forgetting what I want to put in words..,
Well,
Deeper,
Clearer and more concise words may just,
At another point in time,
More peacefully arise within me..(?),
..,
And/or,
I may experience deeper,
More clear,
More peaceful inner energy..,
Hence..,
The obsessive need to word stuff may just be LESS painfully bothering me..(?),
As for pertaining to negativity,
For example,
I’ll emphasize that if I get negative,
Or if I think negatively about the fact of there being excessive dominant negativity ((such as) in response to a negative reality),
Then I’ll just add more negativity,
And I would say that a cause of that is excessive thinking (as an unconscious response to immensely painful adversity) because excessive thinking (for me) adds more uncomfortable tension (especially if negative),
And because thinking is just thinking and NOT inner healing,
So therefore thinking just will NOT help reduce inner tension NOR address sources of it,
I therefore feel it’ll (especially if negative) create more inner toxic tension..,
..,
Hence,
Thoughts are energy,
(Source: Michael Singer, “The Untethered Soul” (2007), page 41, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, California),
..,
So if thoughts are therefore “energy”,
Then,
If I’m only adding negative thoughts,
I’m only adding more inner negative energy,
Of course,
The ego may seek negativity in order to feel a sense of “superiority” such as “righteousness” over what is negative(?),
And it may do this insatiably(?),
Hence I must detach from its negative thoughts..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005), page 66, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
And..,
Especially with obsessive thinking,
Trying to think my way out of it will cause overthinking,
Especially because (in my belief) thinking feeds on thinking and can NOT be solved by thinking..,
And if the obsessive thinking is irrational,
Then well..,
Rational thinking will do nothing,
Hence,
Even if my mind is what’s mostly making me feel bad..,
I must look elsewhere to solve my problem(s) that do NOT rely on the mind..,
And/or do NOT rely on thinking..,
..,
Such as practicing,
Reducing inner painful resistance of what I can NOT change,
And cultivating more inner peace,
And therefore LESS inner weight,
LESS inner energy depletion because of inner tension,
And therefore MORE inner peaceful POWER,
(Of course.., that may be consciously used for good(?)),
And well..,
Since I can NOT solve obsessive thinking through thinking,
Since how I can word it,
Or..,
How I can describe it,
Appears infinite,
?
Well,
(For example),
The bad energy I may write about,
May just,
Most likely,
Subsequently,
Keep bothering me,
Such as always thinking of more negativity..,
?
So..,
Instead,
Of always trying to “figure it out” in my mind,
(Or in my thoughts..),
Well,
I’ll,
Once again,
Try to come back to my inner body,
To take what I see as viable steps to clear inner toxic tension..,
And therefore I’ll hopefully,
Find at least some degree,
Of peace within me,
?
Especially,
Since I just can NOT think my way,
Out of,
Whatever,
To whatever degree,
That,
Just happens to painfully bother me,
Hence,
(Regardless of whatever comes first.. or may usually come first(?).. that being “thinking” or “stress”),
..,
Thinking how to solve inner stress that is caused by thinking,
May just create more thinking that (therefore) causes more inner stress,
Hence,
Once again,
It just seems to me..,
The problem can NOT be solved by more thinking..,
And,
(As for negativity..),
Negative thinking feeds off of negative thinking,
Hence,
Pain feeds off of pain..,
And I guess(?) as Eckhart Tolle refers to it,
I can call it the “pain-body”,
And sometimes of course,
If unhealed,
The pain can build,
Then explode out,
Then build and (however partially or however much) explode out again..,
So yeah..,
Since the negative/painful energy feeds on itself,
It will explode out of me,
Then seek to (I guess(?)) as Eckhart says “replenish” itself..,
Hence,
UNLESS I can (hopefully) consciously clear it..,
Pain feeding energy will build up and explode pain out of me again,
(Such as an emotional outburst, etc, etc..),
And so on and so on..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005), pages 142-146, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
And to throw it out there..,
Well,
I feel I must continually try to continually consciously DISidentify,
From all that stored pain from getting bullied that my ego feels a need to remind itself of being morally superior towards,
And that my ego needs to “identify” as..,
That being.. an autistic “victim” which other egos “owe” (for example),
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005) page 87, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
(Source: Mark Manson, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”, (2016), page 55, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, New York),
..,
And whatever it may be,
The more I consciously recognize and disidentify from the pain within me,
The LESS power I give to my pain-body,
The LESS pain builds in me and explodes out of me..,
And the LESS likely a minor instance of disrespect ends up being “the straw that breaks my back”,
And OHH YES,
May we remember the DANGERS of a collective PAIN-BODY victim mentality,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005) pages 154-155, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
May more people do a better job at avoiding build up that could be quite catastrophic,
Such as (of course) opposing collective ego build up,
That ERUPTS,
Into war,
..,
May more and more humans do a better job at giving up the violent (unconscious pain-feeding) and power insatiable ego (however collective or not..),
May humans HOLD each other accountable,
Including NOT seeking to harm others for what their ancestors did to their literal collective group members,
..,
And yes,
Deep down I’m MORE than a guy with autism,
And at the same time,
I am NOT responsible for what my ancestors NOR what people who may look like me did..,
And as for what I can do about it,
Well..,
Inner peace,
For me,
Is of course,
A foundational step(?),
..,
Since as I believe,
The energy I experience internally is what I emanate externally,
And of course this is NOT to disregard history,
NOT to disregard unconscious systemic discrimination of any kind that may psychologically and/or however immensely harm people,
It’s so we REMEMBER to NOT carry MORE negative energy than we NEED,
YES,
I agree there are STILL a lot of problems and dysfunction,
Yet I feel I must peacefully accept that (regardless of however I may try helping out (in addition to making blog posts (even though maybe not that many will ever read them..(?))..)),
Well,
I just must accept that I can NOT instantly fix the situation(s),
So why carry more negativity that results from frustration over what I can NOT control..?
Obviously..,
Excessive negativity will just do more damage to me..,
The more my ego (unconscious thinking) tries to validate itself by thinking,
The more it tries to solidify it’s “secure”,
“separate”,
And “special” sense of itself,
Yet..,
The MORE I recognize and detach my awareness from the ego,
The MORE my ego (and/or unconsciousness) is weakened..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005) pages 64-73, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
And of course,
The more I recognize my pain-body,
Or whatever forms of unconsciousness there are,
..,
Essentially..,
The more aware of my awareness I am,
Or,
The more of my awareness I’m aware of,
And the more often I’m aware of it..,
The more conscious I become..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005) page 182, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
And..,
Like how Eckhart Tolle said in “The Power of Now”,
That,
“The problems of the mind cannot be solved on the level of the mind”,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now” (1997) page 47, Namaste Publishing and New World Library, Novato, California),
Yes..,
I must sufficiently remind myself,
To detach from dangerous unconsciousness such as overthinking,
And/or toxic negativity,
And if I remember to sufficiently put in the proper work,
Of course I believe it will MORE likely be worth it since I’ll therefore feel,
MORE,
POSITIVE,
And..,
As I posted about somewhere previously,
(And/or repeatedly..(?)),
Well..,
The MORE I accept what I just can NOT avoid NOR change,
The MORE inner peace I may just have(?),
And the LESS painful inner resistance there will be to make my present life experience worse,
Of course,
To accept,
Yes,
I can understand what I must do,
Yet in addition to mentally understanding,
Well,
I feel I must,
Stop,
Merely relying,
On thinking,
For reasons such as,
Thoughts are not inner healing practices,
And if I want to feel better,
If I want to have less painful reactions to what I can NOT control,
Well,
Since thinking alone will NOT change the inner sensations of the pain I’m feeling,
I’d say,
I must go deeper,
Than merely just,
Thinking,
?
And well,
If I find myself painfully overthinking,
I’d say I can EITHER toxically self-medicate and numb myself,
Swinging my overthinking in one direction for it to come back even harder when I sober up..(?),
OR..,
I can direct my attention AWAY from overthinking and INSTEAD focus on my natural flowing breathing,
Including consciously witnessing my inner sensations happening,
And therefore,
The more I remove my attention from the current of overthinking,
The less energy I use to try staying afloat in it,
And the more energy I have to keep developing myself in a more deeply needed way,
And well..,
Aside from the intoxicants as a result creating more overthinking when sober,
They just may also possibly exacerbate inner pain at some point as well (even (at least sometimes) when under the influence)..?
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005), page 149, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
Hence,
In response to overthinking and/or any forms of inner pain,
I can numb myself,
Or I can awaken from it..,
I can go (as Eckhart Tolle discusses) “above” or “below” thought..,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005), page 229, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
And of course,
With LESS harmful self-medication,
And LESS overall overthinking inner tension,
The MORE likely I’ll have cleared more inner toxins that cause inner tension due to overthinking and therefore making me less aware of how to make good decisions and therefore I’ll INSTEAD be more aware and can do better at AVOIDING more bad decision making..,
So the more I clear my excessive thoughts,
The more clearly I’ll be able to think,
And the more clearly I’ll see,
The decisions I must make,
That’ll most likely,
Best benefit me,
And the better I feel due to more natural inner peace coming to me,
The more motivated I just might be(?),
To continue with my practice of developing more and longer lasting peace within me(?),
And yes I still struggle with this,
Yet..,
I just thought I’d remind myself of this..,
And of course I do NOT intend to rewrite NOR take credit of certain stuff of what Eckhart Tolle, Mark Manson, Michael Singer or whoever else said..,
I do NOT intend for my ego to (for example) take credit for realizations pertaining to deeply gratifying empowering egolessness..,
..,
And well,
I feel a lot of inner realizations I’ve read,
I also felt to have previously understood (at least at some point) through self-discovery,
So..,
Well..,
Many self-discoveries may just be common through common (and/or similar) inner awakening practices..?
Or whatever are the practices..(?),
And yes,
Sometimes (if not often) I struggle to keep with,
What for me may likely be,
A viable,
Practice,
I guess(?) one cliché I can also remember,
Is that to get better I need to practice..,
Huhhh..,
I’m just trying to not be more tense than I need to..,
I’m just trying to notice..,
Without adding any additional inner tense resistance..,
Huhh..,
Ahhhhh
Zach Dana Writing 