Okay well..,
Although I first wrote this back in July 2020..,
Just thought I’d also post this:
I’ve gotten a death threat,
This person expressed no regret even though how much I expressed how unnecessary it was!
He reminded me and the others if we were to unnecessarily “snitch” his life would be “over” so what he’d do next to us just wouldn’t matter,
One time,
When I was struggling with inner intensity,
I told him how painfully upset he made me,
He said “I haven’t done shit to you,”
I don’t judge him,
I’ve been economically privileged way more yet he had the PRIVILEGE of NOT having autism.., ADHD was what he was told he had and well that just ain’t as bad..,
even though he was on the volleyball team, could play basketball,
knows martial arts, paid his way to be the first in his family to attend college,
Been in “more fights than people I talked to,”
Was “gold glove state champion” at thirteen,
Was an EMT,
Claimed to be a “real-estate” agent (if I’m correct..)..,
Volunteered to help in Flint..
Is almost three years younger and way more able than I’ll ever be,
As he said..,
I hope he’d never “break every bone in my body” so I “drink through a straw for the rest of my life,” if my “beta bitch” fraternity pledge class were to ever “wrongfully” snitch or whatever,
Huhhh,
He was an RA, ran a boxing club, was a campus contractor,
Is clearly way more capable and better,
Well..,
Maybe not,
Especially (in my belief) when it comes to,
INTEGRITY..,
Such as being kind to others..,
And well..
When I was feeling down..,
He once reassured me that I’m “not a loser”,
He made it clear he wasn’t interested in a girl I had a crush on..,
Another accused me of calling her “ugly” (when I meant to say I just wasn’t feeling it after under 24 hours of getting to know her..) who would’ve been good for me,
She said “good luck finding someone who cares about you” with the realest honesty,
But as for this guy with all his “superhuman ability”..
I can’t say everything that seemed amazingly real to me but,
We did spar and he could kill me,
INSTANTLY,
And there was that time when he side flipped over the fire..
When he displayed his talent for..,
PARKOUR,
..
He did help me when I told him about OCD,
He’s definitely been there for me,
(Well.. rarely..),
Even though he felt a need to tell me he could never trust me as a fraternity brother because I “can’t manage a fucking egg,”
Well..
I lost the egg,
I’m irresponsible,
Dangerously unreliable,
I’m a privileged “creepy” autistic asshat who “needs” more shame or whatever punishment to “attain” more loyalty and character,
No I don’t mean that yet I just thought I’d include it how I initially wrote it..,
And ohh how he MADE ME FEEL..,
And I’m just like..,
“What’s his f*cking deal!?”
And even though he may “understand” himself and what he’s been through..,
Well..,
That just does NOT excuse his meanness in my belief..,
He “did his best” to plant a proper “seed” in me and my pledge brothers,
(Yeah.. actually I feel what he did was find an opportunity to abuse his power as “assistant pledge master”.., but I’ll just include what I wrote here..),
I still remember when he threatened to put any of us “in check” for “dumb disrespect” which started over him shaming existing undergrad chapter members in our group chat for “doing something wrong” because our only pledge already referred to himself as a pledge “brother,”
I tried to remove him from the chat but couldn’t since he was the chat’s “owner,”
Huhhh,
As I wrote here over two years ago (assuming I did not revise this section since then)..,
I believe:
Everyone’s good at heart even if they don’t access it,
Everyone’s part of good energy even if experiences manipulate to horrific horror and catastrophe,
NOT EXCUSING,
Just..
Remembering..
Overall,
The process was carefully supervised honestly,
There’s so much more,
So so much more to that story..
In that school a fool like me was so lucky to be a member,
He’d probably not take my sincerity seriously and say this is “fluff”..
What the fluff..,
?
This guy is history,
He left the fraternity literally and figuratively even though he made us eager to be his brother and told us that there are “very few he truthfully trusts”,
Oh how he agreed people suck,
At least he also reminded me to breathe to relieve myself in other moments similar to all these..,
Yet he understood spirit,
And his ego abused it..,
One time..
With all my bullshit I hit a breaking point,
Blocked him on Facebook after being friends,
then sent him another friend request which he understandably didn’t accept,
I then called him a “fake cunt,”
Then said “go kill yourself,”
(Even though as “vice prior” he approved for me to plan for fraternity brothers to attend a suicide prevention walk for philanthropy event “chapter points” the year prior..),
That was on messenger,
I’ve even sent him poems recently prior,
He didn’t get it and (referring to my poems) said “stop with the crazy shit..”,
Yet I felt my feelings to be valid..,
And over all those years,
After I was oh so nice to him,
After all he did to me..,
Well I’m sorry,
I just lost it and told him to “kill himself”,
..,
And I feel even though..,
It was NOT ethical,
It was VERY understandable..,
..,
And I know,
I’m also accountable..,
He saw what I said but never said a word to me again until I sent an email almost three years later saying he “got by with what he did” among other aggressively conveyed grievances,
And he did say he hopes I “be safe and well”,
Yet of course he didn’t acknowledge why I was upset..,
Yet I “thanked him”..,
Yet after a few months I felt bad again,
Then told him and my “pledge master” that they belong in Afghanistan..,
And well..,
I don’t think he’s still overly thinking about me telling him to “kill himself” (if he ever was) and I’ll probably never hear from or see him again..,
Who knows..(?),
Around the time I first met him he told me how he’s “real”,
Yet well,
I also just try to be,
Real as can be,
..,
And well..,
I also try to be kind,
Peaceful,
Not some arrogant egoistic scumbag..,
Yet oh yeah..,
I also try YET struggle to be..,
More compassionate,
Even FOR those who do NOT ask for forgiveness NOR feel they did anything wrong,
And I feel that..,
May still help me with more inner peacefulness..(?),
Yet (of course) I still struggle with this..,
If he was ever to tell me to “take this down”,
I just might tell him to read my poem “writing freedom”,
Since just as he can do as he once said,
“whatever the fuck I want”,
So can I,
So can I,
Now it might be somewhat risky to talk about what I remember others doing to me since their egos may want to torture and kill me..
And sure..,
(even as for what I remember to share) there may not be perfect accuracy..
HOWEVER,
I think this CLEARLY “paints the picture”,
and,
I will..
WRITE FREE AND DO MY BEST TO STAY SAFE,
..,
He once told me to “stay safe”..
I don’t wish harm on him.. and all this explaining shows how I’m still afraid of him..,
Yet I just felt a NEED to ALSO keep it real..,
To keep keeping it real..,
However,
That’s why,
..,
That’s just why.. I shared some memories of this guy..
And,
(Of course..),
I try to be a compassionate pacifist,
Yet I still believe to,
Well..,
Live free or die,
And if that sounded too harsh well,
I just wanted to STRONGLY say,
That just as he can do and say “whatever the fuck he wants”,
Well,
SO CAN I
Zach Dana Writing 