More and More of It

There’s just too many people who did too much stuff to me to clearly write about..,
I just (feel I) can NOT possibly get to all of them and/or NOT even a significant amount of what they done to me..,
And well..,
Even though I struggle remaining at peace with all this arising energy due to revisiting my past in order to have stuff to write about..,
Well..,
I’ll just do my best to remain as present as I can with this post..,

Now I heard another guy who bullied me,
Who I talked about in my post “Clearly Implied”,
Is a MANAGER for Con Edison!!
Yeah..,
I guess the bullies just end up getting ahead..(?),
And well..,
If he is mature enough to be a manager for CON EDISON yet STILL can NOT apologize for ways he clearly HURT me..,
(Even if I remind him after he forgot..),
Then that just shows once again how dominant society is filled with TOXIC unconscious CRUEL energy..,
Yet I’m here at my mom’s house about to start another entry level job and posting to a blog that practically no one reads while the guy who bullied me is off managing at CON EDISON..,
Yet he’s out making money like so many others who hurt me..,
God Damn..,
And yes (as I’d guess..(?)) money does NOT heal us internally..,
Yet it’s just that..,
The bullies do just..,
Get more ahead..,
And they’ll excuse it by saying it’s “survival of the fittest”..(or however they choose to “justify” it..),
And well..,
Aside from how I can go on and on with deeper and deeper analysis,
Here’s some brief stuff about another guy who treated me like shit..,
And is now off pursuing his dream of becoming an actor,

So..,
While I was at college with zero friends,
After years of struggling socially and getting bullied and rejected..,
This guy offers to be my “friend”,
..,
We hang out,
I feel anxious,
He feels confident,

..,
Anyway..,
Eventually..,
The guy keeps bringing up a young woman I was then struggling to be LESS obsessed with,
And after I politely requested him to stop,
He did it again and again,
Then when I got offended he essentially shamed me for being “too sensitive”,
And then he used that as an opportunity..,
To,
Instead of helping me like a friend would,
He INSTEAD decided to,
Shame me for struggling with anxiety including saying I’m “as quiet as a mouse”..,
And I’m like to myself “what time period is this again?”..,
Since I guess NO one talks like that anymore (back in 2017 when it went down)..(?),
Yet REGARDLESS..,

The guy just kept making me feel bad for my neurodivergent struggles so his ego could feel more “secure” about itself..,
And ohh yeah..,
He made fun of me for bringing up “mindfulness” by saying I “always” talk about it even though I brought it up like TWICE..,
And even though,
Maybe.. just maybe(?) practicing mindfulness may have helped him be a bit more inwardly peaceful and LESS insecure and therefore could have helped him feel LESS of a NEED to make me feel like shit to try feeling “better about himself”..,
Yet he just made fun of it..,
He just..,
Did NOT change and just,
Kept,
Treating me like shit..,

And he acted like he was doing me a “favor” by taking me out places (whether on campus or not)..,
Yet,
He wanted to party just as much if not even MORE than me..,
Yet he acted like he was doing it “all for me”,
In order to try to make me feel “selfish”,
Because his ego could not stand feeling even gently criticized,
..,
So after I asserted myself and politely asked him to stop mentioning something that was troubling me,
His fragile ego felt offended and got defensive and was then like..,
“I introduced you to the frat!”,
“I introduced you to bars!”,
“Parties!”,
And he of course did NOT complete the pledging process which I completed and of course that’s just a whole other story of MORE bullshit that I have somewhat posted about and won’t get into (as for this post)..,
Yet long story short,
Being treated like shit,
For me,
Has “MESSED ME UP”,
It has NOT “built me up”,
It has NOT “awakened” me..,
It has NOT helped me develop my inner practices of consciously healing/preparing myself to NOT be as psychologically damaged by sadistic egoic toxic energy (from others)..,
And well..,
Of course (as it seems to me) since following and supporting each other with viable inner body awareness practices is just NOT the dominant culture I live in..,
Yeah..,
It’s no surprise there was a lot of delusional bullshit,
It’s no surprise a lot of others mistreated and traumatized me and would excuse it by saying they were “trying to do what’s ‘best for me’”
..,
And oh yeah..,
I of course believe..,
That the ego just seeks to dominate and disguise what it does such as saying it’s “breaking down and building up” people when INSTEAD it’s toxic energy just adds to TRAUMA and INSECURITY that of course can break and emotionally derail victims eventually..(such as the stress of it causing them to lose sleep and spiral into a psychotic state..),

Even in the briefest moments when I kept it real with him,
By saying I wish he did NOT keep mentioning that girl I was obsessed with..,
And one time he said she “called the cops on me”,
So I decided to miss class then take the shuttle to the White Plains Transit Center,
Then I took the Tappan Zee express to the Palisades Mall Home Depot,
And as my mom picked me up in the parking lot,
I tell her how I got the “cops called on me”, etc, etc,
And she drives me back to college saying I’m “not missing class and everything will get sorted out”,
Then my “friend” called me and was like “April fools!!”,
And I’m like “It’s April 18th..”,

And he just went on and on..,
He just kept bringing her up and shaming me for my autistic struggles in order to feel “superior” towards me..,
He once “apologized” while under the influence..,
And as I expected,
He did NOT change..,
And well,
Similar forms of mistreatment just occurred again and again..,

One time I opened myself up,
On a Facebook post,
And I even thanked him for “being there for me”,
And later on while referring to my post he was just like,
“I had no idea what you’re talking about”,
And he said he felt my post,
“Didn’t make any sense”,
And when I felt a need to make Facebook posts he essentially said I was “just doing it for the likes” and that I should “stop embarrassing myself” and I said (something like) well “I’m just trying to be more social”,
And he was like,
“Well that doesn’t mean you go running out in public while naked”,
So even if there was a part of me that was making posts for the “likes” (or positive responses..),
And EVEN if I was somewhat awkwardly embarrassing myself..(?),
Instead of aggressively criticizing/insulting me,
He could have INSTEAD made a compassionate polite suggestion as to HOW to do it differently,
Yet that’s just NOT the kind of friend he was SADLY..,

And (at least) one time he immensely criticized me,
For showing my parents (and) only close friends (that being my parents),
How HE was mistreating me..,
So yeah..,

He criticized me for “telling on him”..,
He was like,
“Ya know I don’t want to hang out with you if I feel like I’m going to be reported to the FBI”,
So..,
WHILE completely DISREGARDING what HE was doing to me he tried to equate me telling my parents like I was telling the “FBI”..,
(Yeah.., of course he knew that was NOT the same YET of course he just wanted to make me feel bad..),
And yeah..,
He disregarded how it was messed up of him to take my phone and go through my messages and read conversations with my parents..,
He was even like,
“Why do you tell your parents stuff!?”
And well,
It was because they were my only close friends..,
And..,
After he went through my phone and gave me a “lie detector” test to see if I told him the truth about sharing with my parents how my only “friend” was bullying me..,
So..,
After he asked me “did you tell your parents about me?”,
He got mad at me for “lying” to him due to me saying I did NOT tell my parents anything (about how he was MEAN to me)..,
Since if I were to tell him,
He would CLEARLY have just been more mean to me..,
And that would have just further emotionally damaged me..,

He just wanted me to NOT realize that I had totally VALID reasons for telling my parents how he was treating me (in order for me to receive emotional support from them)..,
He just wanted me to feel bad for “lying” to him..,
While his dirty ego would cover up the facts that it was HIM who was nasty,
And that I had PERFECTLY VALID reasons for telling my parents,
ESPECIALLY because I had ZERO other friends who were there for me..,

And well..,
Maybe I’ll include more examples..(?),
Not sure how much more I’ll remember..,
Yet..,
He’s just someone else who wronged me,

Even while he was driving,
While speeding up to a light,
I QUIETLY, calm and politely said,
“Red light”,
And then a week later he aggressively messages me by saying,
“You know you don’t have to tell me to stop for a red light! I’ve been driving for 5 years Zach!!”
(Or he said him and his friend (who also cut him off due to his craziness) were driving for “5 years”..),
And I think I tried to politely calm him down after that..,
Yep..,
I kept going back to that guy after because,
Even though he was treating me like shit,
I just tried to keep suppressing it,
Since he was the only one who would then hang out with me,
And since I cut him out of my life eventually..,
Well..,
I will NOT be around any longer for his insecure ego to step on..,
There just came a time when I needed to move on..,

Man..,
He was like,
“You need to be more independent!”
Which I struggled at,
Yet instead of helping me access and sustain a better spirit,
His aggressive advice made me feel like shit..,
He once shamed me for hanging out with my mentor (a helper) in the “Autistic Spectrum Disorder” program..,
So yes,
I had a mentor who I still catch up with here and there and that other guy while referring to my mentor was like,
“Why do you stay friends with him when he does not even care!?”
And well,
My mentor was and is just so much MORE understanding and kinder to me than he’d ever be..,

And as for doing stuff for this guy whose no longer in my life,
Well,
I was kind to him,
I went to TWO of his theater performances,
I went along with a lot of stuff that HE wanted to do..,
So now,
He’s out chasing his theater career..,
Or whatever else it is..,

And I’m here struggling..,
Including struggling with letting go of what he and what so many others did to me..,

And I remember he once told me,
That there will come a day,
When I have more friends and I’ll,
“Send him away”,
Yet..,
If he acted like a true friend to me,
If he would have been kind to me the way I was kind to him..,
Then well,
I just may have still remained friends with him today..(?),
..,
So as for why I “sent him away”,
I feel that it..,
Was totally VALID,
I must say..,

And yeah..,
Like I clearly said and/or implied..,
He’d blame me for us getting mad at each other..,
Yet well..,
I’ll have to work on feeling less painful anger,
And more peaceful compassion,
Which I feel will (most probably) help me keep pursuing whatever I want to do,
As he keeps chasing his theater/acting career,

And yep..,
I think/hope that what I said here implies that there was A LOT more..,
Because I can NOT remember all of it,
And I’d say it’s therefore best I continue with my practice of letting go of,

More and more of it

One thought on “More and More of It

  1. Thank you for sharing, Zach. I didn’t know at the time that you were going through such a painful experience. May your blog posts let out some of the pain.

    Liked by 1 person

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