I feel a part of me presently believes that:
Since I have been cognitively/emotionally “hypersensitive-ly” predisposed a certain way,
Since culture evolved a certain way,
Since people being mean to me easily effects what I do and say,
Well,
If I’m constantly hearing others say words I’m not allowed to say,
If these words I’m “NOT allowed to say” are CONSTANTLY said in music and various forms of expression,
I just can NOT promise that those same cruel words/terms of endearment will never slip out of my mouth,
I’m also a human,
With emotions,
Who wants to be kindly included,
And well,
If people just keep being mean to me,
If people just keep doing and saying stuff I’m “not allowed” to do or say,
I just can NOT promise I’ll successfully stay kind forever,
I’m NOT perfect either,
..,
And since getting bullied has damaged my confidence,
Since it has exacerbated my predisposed anxiety,
I may lack confidence in my ability to heal the emotional pain that builds in me,
So if others keep being mean,
I can NOT promise that the pain will NEVER explode out of me,
..,
My environment,
Which includes other sentient humans who surround me,
Have an unconscious conditioning psychological effect on me,
And like I said,
Due to being predisposed with inner emotional hyperreactivity,
People throwing emotional punches at me,
Has made remaining civil and peaceful,
NOT often easy,
And since being conscious of how I’ve developed unconsciously does not come easy,
Well,
The unconscious conditioning forces that affect my inner awareness just may affect my actions,
So if I do and say anything that however deeply offends anyone,
I’ll just say,
That deeply offensive energy,
Is deeply entrenched and deeply surrounds my environment(s) that I struggle to avoid,
I (of course) feel we’re all morally accountable,
Yet,
It just has not been easy for me,
Staying safe from,
NOR becoming a part of,
The mean and painful void,
And well,
Since I see and react “differently”,
Since I struggle socially,
I struggle to NOT become too literally NOR cognitively isolated in my own head,
So,
Since I do NOT dangerously lose myself in my mind,
Well,
As for awareness,
As for developing more inner peacefulness to also emanate externally,
Well,
I just feel I must remind myself,
To be aware,
Of my present awareness,
So I do NOT get dangerously delusionally lost..,
And yet,
In more social isolation,
With more feelings of exclusion,
It’s felt hard to not spiral into more delusion,
While lacking needed social connection,
Yet as I always feel I must consistently remind myself,
I’ll just once again,
Notice my natural inhale and exhalations,
While the pain feeding negativity,
Gradually dissipates within me
Zach Dana Writing 