I feel I often presently believe that:
For one,
I can never be aware of all the infinite elaborate internal and external manifestation processes because they’re infinite,
And I can ESPECIALLY never be aware of all the infinite internal and external life energy processes all at the same time because they’re infinite,
So I chose to write/remind myself that,
To help reduce pressure to explain “all of it”,
In a way that is just “perfect”,
..,
I can at least say,
It’s infinite,
I lose sleep due to lying awake worrying about losing sleep,
I wind up on medication to reduce anxiety even if it’s anxiety about winding up on medication,
Because I get too lost in my head,
I often fail at productively planning ahead,
I sometimes spiral due to an emotional fear of emotionally spiraling,
Which also has to due with being labeled as someone who struggles with emotional regulation..,
And well..,
The younger and longer I’m told to have a “disability”,
The greater the damaging psychological effect(s) it may more likely have on me,
And oh yes, the perpetuating inner stressful psycho-negativity may also harm me physically(?),
..,
Yet if more others would more often LISTEN and simply acknowledge that they understand,
Well I may feel more meaningfully socially connected,
LESS in my head,
And LESS alone with my “disability”,
?
And regardless..,
I feel the deeper I connect with my deeper true inner being,
That just may help me take my attention away,
From being lost in,
Painful overthinking,
..,
Hence,
The expanding present appreciation that’s infinitely beyond my mind in infinite ways,
May,
Be sufficiently healing..?
And regardless whether “mental intelligence” produces or receives “life energy”,
Since mental intelligence is a part of life energy,
What difference does it really make?
..,
The point is..,
To expand my awareness,
Beyond thought,
In order to ALSO think clearer,
..,
And well I’d say what always comes infinitely before thinking is deeper life beingness..,
And yes,
Maybe I did not need to explain that and could have remained peacefully in the moment,
..,
I feel that truth is always here,
Regardless of how clearly I am,
Regardless of how clearly I explain it,
Because of how my innate predispositions got shaped due to my lived experience(s),
I often lose touch with the moment by “getting ahead of myself”,
..,
Even though I know it,
I still struggle with it..,
..,
I fail at getting ahead because I lose touch with what I must do in the present since I get too ahead of myself in my head,
..,
I must remember to keep trying to expand my awareness beyond my mind,
So I’ll think LESS excessively and instead think MORE clearly,
..,
Hence,
If all my energy goes to my mind,
I’ll get painfully lost in thought,
I guess,
The energy will painfully compress,
In thinking,
And make me LOSE more and more touch with experiencing all I could be appreciating that manifests within and around me that is NOT merely thinking..,
Yes,
I struggle with preventing my thinking mind from narrowing my attention..,
So instead of painful thinking building in my mind and causing inner present moment resistance tension growing unchecked within me,
..,
Instead of getting overly lost in thought,
I must expand my awareness beyond my thinking mind..,
In order to think LESS yet think CLEARER,
And although I may understand it,
Well,
I still must remember to practice it,
Such as continually consciously detaching from the inner pain and NOT adding to it by creating more painful inner resistance such as by adding negative thinking pertaining to the pain I’m experiencing..,
May I instead peacefully accept what is inwardly occurring,
Giving the greatest likelihood of the inner pain settling..,
Because the pain feeds off of my negative thoughts about it (for example),
The pain feeds off of pain..,
Yep..,
May I increasingly peacefully accept what I can NOT instantly change within me in a healthy way,
May I accept what I carry within me as I remain focused in a gratifying productive way,
And,
As a hypothetical:
Just because I know what it means to do a double backflip on flat ground does NOT mean I can do one,
Just as,
Just because I know what it means to have inner peace does NOT mean I often have it..,
And yes,
I wish my awareness would more easily be more often increasingly in the infinite present moment,
Instead of always feeling a need to “explain it”,
Especially since I believe there’s infinitely more stuff to explain,
..,
So why NOT expand my awareness (without explanation pressure) beyond the world of words!?
Of course (as I repeatedly implicitly said) I feel I must expand my present awareness beyond thoughts in my head..,
And,
As I initially wrote,
(However off topic this might be (?)),
Well,
I often feel and/or often believe that:
If I repay a favor many others may say something like (for example),
“The last thing I wanted was for you to feel you had to repay me”,
And if I do NOT,
It’s “well what about all I’ve done for you!?”
..,
And I’m like (to myself),
“How may I really help you!!?”
..,
It’s a “double-bind” since it’s a situation that’s “lose, lose” as for however I respond and others may criticize me for NOT responding at all such as due to me changing the subject..?
..,
And (I feel that) too many can NOT see how they contradict each other..,
(And I guess as for a larger scale example..(?)),
Such as (hypothetically speaking) if I have “freedom” yet the rules do NOT apply when under the control of a big business..,
I may have “freedom of speech” yet may be fired for morally criticizing corruption or punished behind closed doors for peacefully challenging brutally corrupt authority..,
So what is it really meant by an authority that grants people “freedom of speech”..?
I guess as for that context(?),
I can choose to say what I want if I “choose” to get punished for it..?
And of course the law of “no cruel and unusual punishment” seems to mean different things to different people/hierarchies (for example)..,
(Source: United States “Bill of Rights”, Eighth Amendment (ratified on December 15th, 1791)),
And well..,
Hypothetically speaking..,
Sometimes these inalienable “equal rights” are only applied for one group who must “own property” and not others,
And oftentimes an authority people depend on may NOT be held accountable NOR thoroughly investigated when others’ fair basic needed survival rights are violated..,
..,
And sometimes the likely psychological effects of one group having more opportunity than another go severely unaddressed..?
Hence,
If we all learned how to make a viable inclusive collective effort to continually try letting go of our insecure ego/emotionally damaged self(?) and INSTEAD tried to increasingly develop peace (internally and externally),
We all may function better together(?),
Regardless of our level of socioeconomic power..,
(For example),
??
So as for the “double-binds”..,
As for what many people seem to unconsciously do and say that contradicts itself..,
(Such as having “freedom of speech” WHILE being punished for peacefully saying something “immoral” (such as challenging a corrupt authority))..,
I so often feel as many seem to say,
That I’m also just..,
“Damned if I do and damned if I don’t”,
(Source: Alan Watts, “The Book”, (1966), pages 71-73, Vintage Books, New York),
..,
Especially since the emotionally damaged insecure ego always looks to harm others to feel superior,
..,
And (as I talked about) unconscious pain does NOT seek to relieve itself,
Yet instead seeks to feed itself,
..,
Unconscious negative forces do NOT seek connecting with people by increasing positivity yet instead feed off of negativity,
So humans must know how to spot and protect these forces,
And INSTEAD of people in a painful bad mood seeking to connect by bringing others down to their level,
May we learn to heal to uplift and reconnect with our deeper spirit,
To me that clearly sounds FAR more worth it,
And I feel many others feel criticized when I ask them to not criticize me,
Then they criticize me for getting offended,
Or they might dismiss it (such as) by saying,
“Well we all get criticized”,
..,
Yet I feel,
There’s no guarantee that (whoever) others will understand how I wish them to understand what it’s like,
Being me with my “autistic” and/or “neurodivergent” learning and emotional adversity,
(For example),
Once again,
I hope and,
I’ll try to struggle less,
With rediscovering and cultivating inner peace,
Because (I feel) trying to think my way out of inner pain leaves the deeper (non-thinking) causes of the inner pain/overthinking unaddressed..,
..,
If I try thinking my way out of thinking I create MORE thinking..,
I just feel I must remind myself to find peace with any forms of pain I can NOT instantly change (as I clearly implicitly and/or directly talked about..),
And as for social connection,
Well,
I’d say whatever emotional chemicals I feel that emanate from me (internally) react with whatever emotional chemicals that are inwardly building and emanating from however many other individuals which therefore creates a social interaction,
So (I believe) if we’re both caught up in thinking,
Our social interaction(s) will NOT be any deeper than thinking,
..,
If we both have pain and sadistic insecurity,
We may risk becoming violent..?
..,
If one of us has inner peace and the other does NOT,
Then the troubled person experiencing inner pain may uncontrollably give the hurt to the other peaceful person who will (more likely) remain calm while the other may appear crazy to those who are consciously aware..?
..,
And if the peaceful person remains aware,
They’ll detach their awareness in order to remain safe from getting lost in the other’s meanness,
And (for example) if both (or all) have inner peace,
Well,
There will MORE likely be more peace..,
?
That’s what I believe and hope
Zach Dana Writing 