I feel that:
Reading articles about emotional dysregulation can make me emotionally dysregulated UNLESS I can detach from the internal negative energy and develop peaceful neutral humble awareness resulting from whatever self-viable “step by step” or inner “operant by operant” processes..,
(Or.., peacefully and safely “learning by doing” if this (above (I guess?)) stanza did NOT make adequate sense..?),
And I guess getting provoked ain’t easy..?
NOR “reading around” a context of needed information..,
As far as I presently remember..,
My awareness seems to RISE,
Fall THEN RISE higher AGAIN..?
Because I presently believe I see stuff differently,
I feel susceptible to getting dangerously emotionally disconnected if not becoming “straight up” delusional..,
I could’ve had genetics,
That may have been exacerbated by “Promethazine”,
Under the brand name “Phenergan”,
Because (as I talked about),
My mom’s “morning sickness” (if I remember correctly?) could have killed me,
So instead of insurance companies paying for an IV,
They could save the money,
By giving her “Phenergan”,
So they’ll have more resource opportunity savings for a trip to a place like Miami speaking hypothetically.. or is the word “theoretically”..?
What if it was a hat trick..?
And even if you’re confused by the context maybe this may help..?
(Source: https://www.decof.com/documents/insurance-company-tricks.pdf, “Tricks of the Trade: How Insurance Companies Deny, Delay, Confuse and Refuse”, (American Association for Justice(?)) and as long as NO person hacks in and changes the URL (link above(?)) I’d say I morally efficiently cited this online source..?),
Of course what they’d (whoever THAT could be?) do with the money (and/or justified survival resources) is their business.. I guess..?
Yet for-profit health care..,
May just have played a part in giving me the life I have today..(?),
I do NOT have direct proof of Promethazine either causing autism NOR exacerbating any genetic predispositions..,
Especially because I can not presently remember being “in the womb”..,
I presently believe that,
Articles all have their biases even if they’re not funded (in this case) by for-profit pharmaceuticals that OMIT any harmful side-effects from research presented (in this case) on the developing fetus..(?),
And if you understand what I’m trying to say no need to grammatically correct me on THIS..,
If the drug is going to sell,
Of course negative research conclusions will NOT be provided NOR further investigated in a for-profit drug industry and/or whatever type of desperately power-seeking drug institution (federal or not, neither or both..?),
And maybe my insecure ego wants attention..?
(Which could’ve been partly exacerbated by medication in addition to lived experience(s) such as any worsening psychological effects of getting emotionally bullied and struggles with letting the memories go..(?))..,
Is this really just my ego wanting attention through some “conspiracy theory”..?
Or is there some truth to medication being overly-prescribed while NOT in cases of emergency..(?),
On the books..?
“Off the ‘books’”..?
Or wherever whatever aspects of legal authority may presently lack the courage to look..?
Here’s an article from the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention(?)) that says certain prescriptions for pregnant mothers increase the chances of autism by 2.5 percent..?
And I’d guess excessive fear will unconsciously change the SUBJECT..?
Of what I just might have been SUBJECTED to before I came out of the womb..?
My ego also prefers to conveniently simply sum up my condition to have an easier understanding of my situation..?
Yet would conveniently narrowing my awareness be safe for a moral level of personal preferable survival..?
When is it a TRULY needed context to narrow my awareness..?
As you may guess..?
To some degree I may always guess..?
Yes I hope to prevent another emotional break due to trauma,
That is very complex..,
Yet the ego,
And other egos might want (or need(?)) to dismiss my complex lived experience(s) that might have caused my struggles by simply saying it’s an “illness”..,
(Source: “THE ANOIKSIS CHRONICLES”, Jennifer Kanary Nikolova, “BEYOND DIAGNOSIS — UNDERSTANDING PSYCHOSIS”, (Date published: May 12th, 2020), http://medium.com/beyond-diagnosis-the-anoiksis-chronicles/beyond-diagnosis-making-sense-of-psychosis-e32a6aeae308) and I have not yet learned how to create “footnotes” and/or “endnotes” on this “IPhone 12”),
And if I do have a “psychiotic” experience due to stress and sleep deprivation..,
If that triggers a deeper awareness,
I must not lose myself in the experience..,
Even if there’s deeper and true energy intensity..,
I presently believe I must detach my awareness from the intense energy,
So I know it’s passing through me..,
So I remain rational and centered,
While the deep trueness I experience,
Does NOT cause DANGEROUS,
Confusing hopeless recklessness..?
My emotional inner chemical reactions that react to experience may be shaped over time all the passing present time..?
Yet to imply my lived experience(s) meant nothing and that my struggles are merely caused by an imbalance of chemicals.., some illness or whatever,
I’ve felt has felt conveniently misleading,
Since lived experiences such as emotional trauma,
That may have led to stress,
And/or feeling constantly misunderstood by others,
Is more specific or more explanatory than merely “chemical imbalance” and/or “illness”..,
May Life Energy regard institutional prepared freedom,
And if (as others may say(?)) “all the above” made “no sense”..,
I guess I can ask myself when appropriate..,
Was it the “Promethazine” brand name machine..?
Or something foundationally deeper..?
I guess I’ll just need to be presently,