Seeking to be Better

I feel that:
..,
For one,
I’m NOT “perfect” at putting stuff into words..,
And I feel inner feelings can be worded infinitely clearer and clearer (for example),
..,
And instead of giving myself more inner painful resistance of the reality I can NOT change,
..,
Which is that,
Instead of seeking to understand more deeply,
Many people just may conveniently judge what I’m trying to say as “crazy”,
(For example),
And since I can NOT change that kind of reality,
Why not let go of inner negativity that limits me,
And accept the way stuff is..?
(Therefore),
Even if many other sentient life manifestations do and would cruelly react to what I attempt to convey..,
Why not just go back to finding that peace within me..?
To at least sustain a sufficient level of sanity..?
..,
Okay so additionally,
I feel that:

If I seek to be better than others,
I end up intensely focusing on myself,
And the more I focus on myself,
The more I narrow my awareness,
Such as by reducing my attention of all that surrounds me,
To just focus more and more on me,

To find “validation” or see what I “must do” to “validate” myself,
I’ll focus more and more on thoughts in just my head,
While losing touch with the deeper being that I believe I came from and remain a part of,

And well..,
I guess I must clearly ask: “What do I mean in this context by ‘myself’”?
Is it my “true self” that’s a part of the same life energy all other manifestations are?
Or is it my “ego self”?
(For example),

I believe that,
If I seek to be “better” for the purpose of being “better than others”,
I’m narrowing my awareness by focusing on JUST the thoughts in my head about the present physical form I’m in,
And while LOSING more and more touch with more and more that I’m also a part of,
Including losing touch with more and more,
Of what I can be deeply grateful for,

If I just focus on being “better than others”,
I’ll seek to increasingly separate and antagonize,
Instead of deeply open and connect,

And well,
Will this egoic narrowed awareness really help me expand my foundational internal ability for whatever it is I pursue?
I doubt it..,

I believe I must seek to be better,
Than someone who is just trying to be better than others,

And instead of just trying to attain deep understandings for an ego boost,
Such as to feel that I know “more” than “others”,
..,
Well,
If I really put into practice,
(Such as),
Expanding my inner awareness that’ll underlie better decisions and increased capabilities for whatever I pursue externally,
Maybe that painful capability impinging insecurity,
Of trying to be better and better than more and more “others”,
May internally impinge my true clear egoless capabilities/possibilities less and less..?
..,
And therefore,
Hopefully my awareness will be increasingly expanding instead of unconsciously selfishly limited resulting from being narrowly focused on my ego self being “better than others”,

Instead of being focused on the thoughts in my head to validate my ego,
Hopefully my awareness gratifyingly expands beyond the excessive thoughts passing through my head,
Beyond my ego,

So to really feel clearer and more ethically peacefully gratifyingly powerful,
I guess(?) I must let go,
More and more of my egoic insecurity,
And I guess(?) I must seek to open and connect more deeply,
Such as,
Within me that entails MORE than just the thoughts in my mind that my ego seeks and clings to for its sense of “separate” and “isolated” self..?

I feel I must continually clearly and peacefully remind myself,
To keep trying to expand my awareness more deeply,
To include,
Increasingly more of all that surrounds me,

With the hope of expanding my awareness continually BEYOND egoic thinking insecurity,

And hopefully,
(As implied),
Seeking to let go of feeling this constant need to be “better than others”,
Will hopefully reduce inner painful insecure pressure,
And will therefore hopefully,
Help me increasingly feel,
Deeper,
Clearer,

And overall..,

Better

?

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