Although today (which I feel in my own way I understand) is a day for all the drunkards to keep killing their liver and brain cells in order to block out (emotional (for example)) pain that just may be unbearable otherwise,
And although what I have initially wrote underneath here may not exactly pertain to just alcohol (if at all..),
Welp..,
Here’s another post:
Must I keep it “real” around those who keep emotionally hurting me..(?),
Or..,
Must I NOT emotionally control myself in front of those who are LESS intimidating,
LESS deserving (of seeing me express anger),
WAY kinder and just overall have done just so much more!?
I guess I know myself infinitely more than could ever be “concluded” on paper..(?),
And well,
Of course I as well feel I also always may have something more to learn about myself..(?),
Maybe I just may NOT sufficiently realize when I come off as “morally superior”,
Well..,
Yet EVEN when coming off a micro (as needed) does of medication,
Aside from possible sleep deprivation,
Well..,
Do I feel more edgy (than before taking the medication) because (in addition to various other causes of emotional dysregulation..),
Could it be..,
Revisiting my past for writing increasing the arisal of hard memories of past experiences that I feel were hard to handle..(?),
Which might have caused sleep deprivation and increased emotional dysregulation..(?),
(NOT that writing (even about VERY difficult memories) “always” throws me off and/or keeps me up at night.. and yes (I feel that) if I properly meditate (for example) and find and sustain the inner peace to better anticipate (or prepare for(?)) arising difficult emotions.. then, I feel I will LESS likely become “thrown off” and then lose sleep over it..),
..,
And just to throw it out there,
Could I also be becoming more lost in a vicious cycle..(?),
Such as first,
Losing sleep,
Then,
Relying on medication to control my even more increased dysregulated emotion..(?),
And THEN making my emotions HARDER THAN EVER to control when I come off the medication(s),
AND THEN having a fixation for the medication(s) just so much damn more than wherever before..,
Therefore skyrocketing my dependency..(?),
Huhhh..,
(Not to get to political, just as a hypothetical..(?)),
I just REALLY hope that does NOT become a deeply solidified reality for me..(or whatever is a more precise way words may better describe or point to it..(?))..,
And (of course) I just may be building up a tolerance and/or dependence..(!?),
While drug companies profit from those like me..(?),
Just curious..(?),
..,
Could it be..,
Or could a hypothetical just be..,
I guess..(?),
Frustration about needing and/or (however directly or indirectly) feeling forced any medication (that overall is NOT what I feel is best for me regardless of whatever a (possibly) multi-million (if not billion(?)) dollar deeply intricate cooperative authority could force me to take if I’m perceived as a “threat to myself and society”(?)),
..,
And may that authority disregard other (for example) inner body healing practices which may be just as (if not more) viable,
Yet may NOT be seen to be as profitable..(?),
Therefore LESS taken into deep consideration..,
Even (for example) getting lost in thought about that (I feel) just may increase the likelihood of being suggested to take something for DEPRESSION..(?),
And,
Once again..,
Just thought I’d throw out what I see as a hypothetical..,
I’m really NOT trying to get “political”..,
NOR judgmental if anyone (reading this) is happy with their psychiatric medication..,
Yet since I’ve often received certain UNasked for recommendations,
Well..,
I hope (if ever the scenario) THAT there’s ENOUGH time to deeply consider a “treatment” that for me as an individual is truly most suitable for (so I am NOT forced and/or being manipulated into believing I need something (which others doing the (unintentional (although profitable) manipulating) may also feel that for me may be what I “need” although in reality it just may be straight up toxic honestly..(?)),
And I do NOT express this to get philosophical,
I feel,
It’s for my own safety and human rights..,
..,
And as for all the unsolicited advice I may have and continue to receive (and I’ll try not to get sidetracked with controversial real life examples.. NOT here to talk about NOR provide research in support of NOR opposed to possible longer term effects of THC nor some medication used to treat OCD..(?)),
And well..,
Just to throw it out there..,
I also have found..,
What I see..,
Just..,
Does NOT align myself with what I presently see my truth to be..,
Why don’t more just LISTEN instead of making me feel MORE emotionally isolated,
In my head,
Misunderstood..,
Insecure and obsessive..,
..,
If others could just LISTEN..,
I feel..,
That may just possibly,
Be so much more helpful than what medication may have to offer me..,
Yet..,
I just must accept that others will just continue to lecture me..,
Huhhhhhh..,
While coming off (whatever I’ve been on personally)..,
Could I ALSO be blaming myself for spiraling out of control..(?),
And not accessing the inner clearness to make better conscious,
More healthy decisions..(?),
..,
Maybe my “inner critic” is just adding criticism while properly teaching me NOTHING about internal cleansing..(?),
Therefore just exacerbating the negativity I just may be inwardly carrying..(?),
And therefore increasing the chances of me losing even more control..,
And being forced treatment,
Which just may NOT get to YET may also make me sink deeper and deeper into..,
I guess..(?),
Zombified apathetic delusion..(?),
I guess there’s true fulfilling peaceful consciously deepened and expanded equanimity..(?),
And another type which (I feel) just may be more common unfortunately,
Even in the year 2023!?,
Might just be..,
Overly shut down and overly controlled..,
Apathy..(?),
And possibly ignorance of how much better life could be internally and wherever externally..(?),
And maybe the controlling authority is ignorant to the same unconscious degree..(?),
So is ignorance really “bliss”..,
Huhhh..,
I just do NOT know..(?),
Maybe “all one knows” makes them “happy”..,
Or maybe if someone discovered more..,
Maybe they just may appreciate..,
So.. so much more(?),
Far beyond what they may have ever imagined before..(?),
Guess the journey always continues on..,
?
Happy friday,
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day ☘️
Zach Dana Writing 