While first meeting a 70 year old man at a bar,
After shaking his hand..,
He said..
“That was a weak handshake”,
And after doing it again, he exclaimed something like..,
“Now that’s a handshake!”
And he reassured me that he was NOT trying to tell me how to live my life,
Yet instead he just wanted me to (in my own words) be strong,
Gave me some other stuff to remember,
Among essentially reminding me that life will throw me a lot of bullshit and there comes a point when I just have to address it..,
And based on my understanding of what I remember occurring, well.., here is another lesson I learned that night which I was totally NOT expecting:
(And although I may not precisely remember what occurred.. well.. here’s what I have to say so far..),
So..,
I’m at a local bar,
It’s Saint Patrick’s day and also Friday (or like 1-2am on the next day),
I had too much to drink,
I needed to piss,
The one person (or “single stall”..(?)) men’s restroom seemed occupied,
And although I figured no one would mind if I used the single stall women’s restroom especially since it was clear that no one was in there (and since I haven’t been the only guy to use the women’s room) I’m like “would anyone really care?”..,
And then all of a sudden,
I hear an aggressive knock on the door..,
Then I hear a woman exclaim something like “who the hell is in there!!?”..,
And I might’ve yelled something back like “chill the fuck out!!”
And then as I exit the women’s restroom,
A woman (who I later found out) who happened to be more than twice as old as me, openly and in front of everybody,
(Before entering the restroom..),
Accuses me of “pissing all over the seat”,
Shouts some more scathing remarks that I don’t totally remember..,
I then called her a “bully”..,
She then was like “ohhh please…” and seemed to clearly imply that was “totally unnecessary”..,
And if I remember correctly..(?),
I believe many others were cheering her on..(?),
(Aside from a couple men trying to talk her out of blaming this on me..),
And at some point (in continual response to her aggression) I aggressively asked her if she’s from my hometown where we were all hanging out at,
She told me she’s from a neighboring one..,
(Also seemed to (I guess(?)) clearly imply that didn’t matter..),
And well in response to her shouting at me I shouted back while referring to myself and said (something like) “Go ahead! Bully the autistic kid!”..,
And I think she even exclaimed how my mom would be “disgusted with me” or something like that..(?),
Or maybe openly assumed and made me feel bad for “living with my mom”..(if I correctly remember.. or maybe not I don’t really exactly remember that comment nor implication),
I then replied by saying,
“That has nothing to do with humiliating me in front of everybody!!”
..,
Or maybe I said..(?), “YES I LIVE WITH MY MOM!” to implicitly imply that her opinion on that matter to me just did not matter..(?),
(Yet as for what was said about me having a mom.. well.. I just can’t precisely remember..(?)),
(Yet this is kind of how it essentially went..),
And as she kept shouting..,
My friend among other men (at least one who was also trying to calm her down), including the bartender, got me to back down..,
And well..,
To try to calm stuff down I told the bartender (who I know) that her next drink is “on me” essentially..,
And well..,
I’d say it was quite noticeable that I was offended quite deeply..,
So then,
When she eventually came to talk with my close friend,
(Who then began to kindly mediate),
She then instructed me to “look her in the eyes” while tears were streaming down my face..,
(And although I can NOT speak for her, if I remember correctly..(?)),
She shared with me that she’s 64,
That she even remembers the sixties..,
Seen and been through a lot of shit,
(Of course I’ll try not to mention specific personal stuff..),
I believe she shared with me that she..,
Certainly seen oppression of women,
Is a feminist,
Will always stand for women,
And among certain stuff I also tried to share with her,
I tried to make it clear to her,
That yes,
Her anger and being triggered by my behavior was TOTALLY valid,
And that in my own ways I feel that (although possibly very different) I also been through a considerable level of shit..,
(She even, I guess in a motherly way (if that’s fair to say(?)), reminded me that well.., due to how stuff is, that I (also) have a rough future ahead of me..),
I even told her how my mom is also a “feminist”..,
Among other ways me and the woman I was reconciling with just may have thought alike..(?),
And well..,
I guess quite possibly,
She just may have been to or at least heard of,
The “Fellowship of Reconciliation”,
The “Clearwater Festival”..,
(Welp (of course) I can’t speak for her.., yet I’ll just include what I have underneath here..),
I even told her I voted for Bernie Sanders and also have been inspired by Alan Watts.. (maybe could have mentioned Elizabeth Warren and that I happened to read at least two books by Pema Chodron..(?)),
But after experiencing all that,
I was just like..,
What!!?
And although I can NOT speak for her..,
Yet..,
Well..,
Although I’m 27 and she’s 64..,
To me it seemed that we both have been through a lot and got deeply triggered by our behavior..,
And well..,
Apparently I later found out (from another man who helped mediate it) that many other men were apparently inconsiderately using the women’s single stall bathroom..,
And I was told the men’s door was actually “wide open” with the light off..(?),
(Or maybe it just happened to become closed right before I used it..(?).., well anyway..),
And yes..,
Deep misunderstandings may just understandably happen..(?),
..,
And although I can’t speak for her..,
I just wanted to also throw it out there that..,
What I did (although minor(?)) may also have reminded her of women getting stepped on by men way harder without standing up for themselves..(?),
And when she confronted me,
It brought up within me,
Other times I felt to be publically humiliated and bullied..,
And so many times when I felt I just should have vocally stood up for myself yet did not..,
Although,
I feel we both had valid points of view,
Which misunderstandably clashed at the wrong time..,
And well I feel I am STILL accountable regardless of what I do and have (in my own way) been through,
Well,
I’d say again that YES our initial misunderstandings of each other were totally understandable..,
And yes, I’d say that..,
We both had our own histories and got triggered by each other,
And for one (as she politely made clear to me on another night) I could (more easily) have found a place to piss outside in a way more concealed due to obvious gender differences..,
And yeah..,
Seeing her the other night as well,
Just went so well..,
And yep..,
We seemed to make it clear in various ways that the misunderstandings were very understandable..,
And yes,
(After the intense incident..),
I felt a need to respect her as an elder,
And take open responsibility for clearly acknowledging my behavior..,
And I do feel (while first talking during the night immediately after it happened) it was very nice of her to take back calling my actions “narcissistic”..,
And even though I have viewed myself as an obsessive insecure struggling narcissist..,
She DID reassure me that UNLIKE a narcissist..,
I was able to admit what I did was wrong,
And that I later on understood after she compassionately explained her points of view to me,
And to throw it out there,
She did remind me to take a deep inhale and exhale..,
Might also have suggested meditating which I’m sure is something us both could be more clearly continuing..(?),
Maybe she’s been doing more..(?),
I don’t know..(?),
I also told her that..,
Well..,
I just felt a need to go back to meditating including listening to teachers such as Eckhart Tolle among any deep lessons I feel he has to offer me..,
Guess the alcohol and the misunderstanding triggered an eruption of both our inner “pain-bodies”,
(Source: Tolle, Eckhart. A New Earth. 10th Anniversary th ed., Penguin Books, 2005, 2016, p. 149. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),
Well..,
I am glad for her giving me a friendly hug at the end,
And that she did NOT become an enemy..,
Yet..,
INSTEAD I’d say it ended in a way of understanding each other more deeply and compassionately,
And I want to thank my friend for mediating,
(The same friend who I wrote a gratitude post for that I uploaded to this blog on July 17th, 2022 titled “Being There”),
And well..,
I am so glad that what I felt was INITIALLY a totally upsetting,
Vibe killing public verbal altercation,
Turned out to become..,
A deeper place of understanding and sincere compassion..,
Which..,
Speaking for myself as always in this case..,
Is the way I prefer those types of upsetting instances become..,
And well,
(Although it may have been initially handled differently..(?)),
STILL..,
As she tried to make clear to me,
Well,
I believe I see,
There were certainly lessons she needed to teach me..,
(Such as being more aware),
And well sometimes I just may need a deeper reminder as for whatever pertaining to my social behavior..,
Yes..,
Seeing a fully physically grown male go into any type of women’s restroom (even though I then thought the men’s was occupied.. and even though everyone seemed very relaxed..),
Well..,
I guess..(?),
Within any place meant for socializing while comprised of several women among men..,
That type of incident STILL may just have needed to be safely addressed..?
And luckily..,
After (what I felt to be) a very stressful, upsetting, unexpected and surprising incident,
The good vibes eventually came back alive,
Not only between me and her,
Yet,
Throughout the whole bar..,
Based on what it clearly appeared to me..,
It luckily became clear to her,
That I was just being under the influence and oblivious and therefore NOT waiting in there as some kind of sexual predator..,
(Or maybe it was simply annoying that so many men before me were using the women’s single stall bathroom..(?)),
Yet regardless,
I’d say it was fortunate that we put a peaceful end to the rough social experience..,
And well,
As for one other point of view (I guess..(?)),
Right after it occurred,
And while telling my friend that essentially,
Even though I’ll try to let it go,
I’ll just remember it for a long time..,
Well..,
At some point,
I also just,
Happened to write this,
Titled: “Needed to Learn”
Here it is after being slightly revised afterwards:
“I try and may have TOTALLY failed to respect women..(?),
Maybe I’m a hopeless “narcissist”..(?),
Yep..,
It’s valid..,
Maybe I..,
Openly played the victim card to another person who’s seen straight up oppression..,
Someone who’s more than twice my age..,
Knows how to spot narcissism more than me..,
May have spotted it within me FAR clearer than I could see..(?),
Well..,
Aside from all the negativity that may remain within me..,
I’ll say it was a lesson I needed to learn..,
And thanks to a friend I wrote about in a post that I don’t have the WiFi connection to remind me of..,
Well..,
Shit..,
I also want to thank him for mediating and for her subsequently directly sincerely understanding,
And,
Happy belated Saint Patrick’s day”,
The end..,
And well I also heard (from the other man (in addition to my close friend) who ALSO mediated it between me and her) that the 70 year old man (while using the women’s single stall restroom) who told me how to do a proper handshake allegedly “pissed all over the place”,
And well..,
I’m glad that as for last night,
And this morning,
I inwardly felt and still feel to be in a better place,
And sometimes (in this case, due to a misunderstanding) I just may be the “straw that breaks the back”,
Welp..,
Good the better spirit came back,
We both apologized,
And well..,
Guess there’s infinitely more to learn from any misunderstood contexts,
That..,
Just seemed to be a lesson we all may have re-discovered,
?
Zach Dana Writing 