HOW…?

I struggle to meditate,
I struggle finding sober spiritual fulfillment on any path..,
And I haven’t enjoyed fun sober activities like (FOR EXAMPLE) birdwatching,
Snowboarding feels too dangerous,
Too cold,
and has got boring..,
Fuck skateboarding and the scumbags heavily associated with it who condemn wearing helmets because “it’s not stylish”..,
I even have got bored with always reading..,
And I have had enough of baseball,
Basketball,
Never liked football..,
And well,
Yeah,
Juggling all the time in my free time has NOT felt to be a life worth living..,

Yes yes,
I ideally speaking,
Believe in reading,
Compatible healthy activities..,
Etc, etc, etc..,

Yet..,
If I constantly block out my misery,
With the side-effects being increased chances of sooner encountering liver cirrhosis,
Kidney failure,
Dementia and/or whatever illness alcohol may increase the chances of (and of course at a younger age..)..,

Well,
If I can barely handle a stomach virus,
How can I expect to handle anything like liver cirrhosis,
(Or whatever..),
And well,
I hope the pain-killers will be properly administered if available and/or affordable..(?),

Huhhhh..,

I just keep falling off the path I see as mostly truly fulfilling for me,

And I don’t mean to negatively predict my future,
Yet..,
Sometimes..,
I just worry,
Get discouraged..,
And yes,
That does add to additional inner misery,
Which I’m tempted to block out conveniently,
Even if the means of doing that are toxically out of alignment with the truth I feel to presently see..,

Huhh..,
It’s no joke..,
Including today,
On another drunken April fools early night morning,

Huhhhhhh