In this Together

Hey man,
I’m going to miss you scratching at my door,
I’m going to miss you keeping me company when I needed it so deeply in a world with so many who just may so often misunderstand me,

Yet this is NOT about blaming anybody,
I trust that the man who accidentally killed you with his car was painfully struggling too,

Yet to try keeping focus on you,
I just never knew,
That before you left on an adventure with my mom among others down to the Outer Banks,
That well..,
Shit,
Although words may never describe it..,
And even though you may still come back to me in spirit,
..(?),
I just never thought that moments before you left to go off on an adventure,
That it would be,
The last time I’d ever have you here with me,

AHHHHHHH!!!

I even remember not being sure if you left with them..,
And even though it may have relieved me of some small level of stress finding out you were safe with them like SO MANY times before,
Well,
Having heard this,
Just fills me with so much more darkness..,

I just was not expecting this at all,
NOT at all,

And well,
Although I’d often worry about you staying safe with your silly exuberant energy and/or (at other times) deep emotional intensity,

Still,
Just still,
Thanks for truly being there for me,
And even if there were several false alarms,
Thank you for STILL,
NEVER hesitating to defend me,

Yeah I worry about danger too,
And me inevitably remaining in the changing state(s) of this planet..,
Regardless of the causes since this is NOT the time to lose myself talking about all that…,

And although I can NOT speak for you,
I also want to feel “bigger”,
“better” and overall more truly listened to,

And I’m sorry if I was NOT always there for you,
I’m sorry if my obsessive compulsiveness,
Writing and/or juggling goals did NOT fulfill your needs of my presence,
I’m DEEPLY TRULY SORRY if I should have and easily could have acknowledged you more than I did,
I’m sorry if I hurt you in any ways I may have,

And well,
I’d say it’s fair to say,
For me,
This just may be,
Hell,

..,

Even though I expected you back here today with me,
Even though I was instead informed of the horrifically unexpected,
A part of me just wants you to stay here with me permanently,
And I wish,
I wish to encounter you again,
I wish to be with you again in this inseparable sea of life energy,

And even though this was my choice,
Just seeing the last pictures of you before,
And you then laying there in your little vest that I’ll always remember..,
Shit..,
I just want a savior,

And as for whatever truth I presently see,
And even if some “old man up in the sky” will never peacefully reunite us thanks to me failing to worship him “perfectly”,
Well,
Although I want more,
I UNAPOLOGETICALLY feel that,
You are here,
And spiritually inseparable from me,

And regardless of my deep hopeless negativity that I fail to clear within this form I’m in ongoingly,
Well,
I hope and trust that I’ll be happy again eventually,

Regardless of the spiritual “reality”,
I so damn hope that deeper life energy can be a healing force for me,

And when I think of ever trying again to successfully realign myself with a deeper spirit which we both just may have come from(?),
I just may,
Quite deeply,
Feel your presence with me,

Although,
You were once a physical sentient manifestation in the form of a little pet dog I’ve known over seven years,
I believe you to ALWAYS be an inseparable form of life energy..,
..,
And even though a lot of pain may still deeply remain within me and my autistic history,
Even though I have been trying to drink less lately,
The most beautifully pieced together words will NEVER describe how hard this truly is for me,

And even though I’ll try my best to preserve your memory,
I just struggle so damn much re-visiting all those pictures and videos,
And awaiting to see your empty bed and abandoned pink squeaky toy..,

Ohh fuck them who conveniently judge sensitive beings such as us by calling and/or viewing us as “soy boys”,
“mama’s boys”..etc..,
And even though I believe in trying to have compassion for those who provoke me deeply..,
And even though I feel a deep part of me does NOT intend for this to painfully polarize anybody..,
well..,
Even though you were “just a dog”,
I’ll just say,
Thank you for being one of the better male sentient beings in my life,

And the lessons you have taught me,
Have impacted me so much more deeply,
Than any of those trying to “break me down and build me up” in order to “properly develop me”,
Because essentially,
Your fun entertaining presence has given me healing energy,

And right now I miss you so fucking deeply..,

And of course..,
Once again,
without getting too lost in aggressively sharing an opinion,
..,
…….,
…,

Shit,
I’m just at a fucking loss right now,
..,
I don’t know..,
Even if my ego thinks it “has the answer”,

I just want you here,

I just want you here,

Yet wherever you are,

We’re here,
We’re in this together