I feel,
That this is largely about,
Struggling to accept that,
People are NOT always as emotionally observant as required for them to be in order to treat others kindly,
(Including (unfortunately) when needed most..),
However,
As I tried to make clear in my post “Maybe this is Clear, Maybe it’s Not” (posted on April 3rd, 2023),
That well,
One’s present emotional capacity CAN evolve..,
If not tragically devolve..,
And still,
Well..,
Here’s more stuff I believe to presently feel:
However often on my blog,
When I try to express stuff,
And/or attempt to be however literally and/or figuratively creative,
I guess it’s reasonable to say,
That..,
I’m trying more to LET LOOSE than be “politically correct”,
And even though (in general) I try to properly,
Respectfully and morally communicate myself..,
Too often what I try to make clear I feel gets misunderstood,
And/or interpreted way more narrowly than I feel it should..,
And/or just,
Causes so much damn confusion,
Giving me frustration,
That I additionally struggle to clear and/or become at peace with while noticing “inner body sensations”,
And how can we really know political and/or factual “correctness” if we weren’t there NOR had the same experiences..(?),
Yet aside from that,
I may do my best to clearly inform and/or remind others where I’m coming from,
Especially if they have had a toxic interpretation of what I said,
And/or may have took it too personally,
And well,
Even when I try to make myself clear,
Sometimes many others may spiral into a completely different misunderstanding..(?),
Which I usually just find more frustrating..,
(Although these may need work, here are some dialogic hypotheticals of people not understanding):
Hypothetical #1:
Me: I just hate saving money because I’m making so little and why work my ass off for a life that’s miserable..?
Person: Well that’s all the more reasons to save.
Me: I’m not saying saving money is bad, yet since I’m making so little, and since I’m living with my mom, I’ll INSTEAD feel motivated to make MORE before I ever start saving. I want to earn more FIRST.
Person: You have to save money though!
Me: Yes I know.., My point was that I’m just saving up for a miserable life..
Person: But if you don’t save your life will be EVEN MORE MISERABLE.
Me: I KNOW!!
Person: So why you talking like that!?
Me: Because I’m frustrated with my life.
Person: Do I need to call the police!? You now feeling suicidal!?
Me: No.. I’m just trying to vent that’s all..
Hypothetical #2:
Person: Yo bro you can’t let the past hold you back.
Me: Well I just wanted to express some stuff that’s been weighing in me.
Person: But if you let the past keep holding you back you’ll never move forward!
Me: Well I just believe in accountability. So many have always treated me like shit. And well, since I write stuff.. Yeah I revisit those memories which may sometimes cause certain intense emotions to arise. Yet in time I can control it, and sometimes as of now, I just like to get stuff off my chest.
Person: But you can’t let it hold you back. You just can’t.
Me: Look, I struggle letting stuff go. It just doesn’t come easily.
Person: You just have to let it go though.
Me: WHAT I MEANT is that since I can’t just magically flip a switch and clear out all my painful memories, they still arise within me and I sometimes feel a need to vent my frustration to someone who will listen.
Person: But I’m telling you what you NEED TO HEAR, which is that you MUST not let your past hold you back.
Me: You’re not understanding.
Person: Neither are you.
Me: You call yourself a friend!? All you have to offer is criticism! I’m just trying to vent!
Person: You’re crazy!
Me: Wow.. I see you’re a real “brother”.
Person: Once you get your shit together hit me up.
Me: Fuck off!!
Hypothetical #3:
Person: Do not ever threaten to kill anyone!
Me: I did NOT mean it like that! And the guy is a celebrity! Definitely has a large highly trained security force. So therefore what power do I really have!?
Person: Don’t threaten to kill anyone.
Me: Holy shit I never meant it that literally.
Person: So don’t ever say it then.
Me: But I’m allowed to express anger towards those in power who I view as toxic scumbags.
Person: But you’re not allowed to say you want to kill anyone.
Me: You’re interpreting what I was trying to say too literally.. Or I guess narrowly.. I was just trying to vent..
Person: Never say you want to kill anyone.
Me: You really don’t understand.
Hypothetical #4:
Person: You don’t understand.
Me: I was just being honest.
Person: Look, you have to find something you’ll excel at. And no one will give you special treatment because you have “autism” or whatever the fuck.
Me: That’s not what I meant.
Person: You sure?
Me: One, if I don’t feel inspired, it’s not for me.
Person: So make yourself inspired!!
Me: I’ve tried!!
Person: No you have not!
Me: You don’t know that.
Person: I know that you just look to blame others instead of taking any responsibility!
Me: I just had some stuff I felt a need to share! I did NOT mean to blame anyone for my conditions and I want to follow the path that I see as fit!
Person: So why don’t you stop whining and get your shit together so you’ll be well on your way?
Me: Look, maybe I “don’t understand a lot” but you ALSO have NOT lived my life so stop being a jerk!
Person: Well you’re being a snowflake. And I’m keeping it real with you.
Me: And I am keeping it REAL with YOU.
Person: Just get your shit together alright!?
Me: Go fuck yourself Sargent Ballsack.
Person: Real mature..
Me: Oh and I see you’re deeply enlightened as well.
Hypothetical #5:
Person: I have firsthand evidence that people treat you the same way they treat everyone else.
Me: I feel that depends on the person. Yet for one I’ve always struggled with emotional dysregulation and social skills which I feel has made me an easier target for bullying.
Person: No.. People treat you just fine. You just interpret it as “disrespect”. You even get offended if someone gives you a dirty look. You blow stuff way out of proportion.
Me: Well some stuff just happens to be the straw that breaks my back. And well, I try so hard to be a nice guy.
Person: I disagree.
Me: Why..?
Person: You make people not want to be around you.
Me: They just don’t want to hear the honest truth of how mean they are. They’d rather me remain as the anxious quiet guy whose balls they can have a fun time busting repeatedly.
Person: Bullshit.. You just act crazy. And you tell your mom stuff–
Me: Because my mom is a better friend than you.
Person: Stop flexing.
Me: I thought you wanted honesty!?
Person: No.. you’re just being an ass. And I’m telling you how it is.
Me: But that’s your opinion that I disagree with. I’m also allowed to speak my truth.
Person: You mean your delusion..?
Me: Oh fuck you.
Okay so..,
Not sure if I’ll add more.., nor if that’s exactly “how people talk”..,
Yet..,
Well,
The more misunderstood I feel,
The more likely I may be to feel alone, sad and therefore go “crazy”,
And well,
If and when I continue to act “crazy”,
Being told I’m “crazy” may make me feel even more dismissed and misunderstood,
..,
So if people would just be like “I feel you” (even if they mostly do not..),
It does NOT mean they may be “promoting” the crazy things I’m expressing,
It just means they can at least try to EMPATHIZE.., and that even if they’re deeply emotionally distant and oblivious of someone like me.., at least they try to care..,
And well,
More ideally speaking (I guess..),
Being heard,
More understood,
Helps bring me back to feeling more socially connected and less lost in delusion in my thought overloading head..,
Yet as for certain people and situations who I fail to avoid that can easily toxically raise my stress level into a dangerous sleep-deprived emotionally dysregulated state,
Who I always may have to keep explaining and repeating myself towards..,
Such as,
“I’m just venting”..,
Huhh..,
And well due to something I just have heard I’m now going to end this by discussing this:
Even though shit happens..,
Even though so many others have shit going on in their lives..,
Even though the man was completely sober,
Allegedly struggling in ways that are none of my business..,
Well..,
Shit..,
I just found out my dog was hit by a car in OBX (aka: The “Outer Banks of North Carolina”)..,
And well..,
Even though the culprit felt terrible,
Even though back in 2017 I once accidentally killed a fox that dashed out in front of the car I was driving while sober..,
Even though everyone completely did not mean for this to occur..,
Even though I must keep “showing up” prepared the next day..,
Well,
I want to thank the police officer among whoever else who helped provide the amount of context to those of us now grieving the loss of our beautiful sentient being..,
(And I’m glad the shelter saved him to come live with my family who helped provide him a better life UNlike where he came from that was prepared to kill the excess (including him) at the Puppy Mill..),
Well..,
I want to wish him well on his journey,
He’s been through a lot of shit,
Always had a positive loving spirit,
More naturally developed than so many humans..,
And well..,
Even though I can also be more compassionate to those who I felt treated me like shit,
I’m really going to miss his spirit..,
I’m just at a fucking loss of words..,
And well,
My blessings go to him,
For always being there,
For having that kind,
Deeply emotionally enthusiastic observant energy just come naturally..,
And even though he may not have been nearly as “intelligent”,
Well..,
He knew how to be truly fucking present,
And even if this post is full of typos well I just presently lack the focus to revise this..,
Yet I felt a damn need to share this..,
He will be missed,
And well,
His beingness,
His lovable excitable emotional energy,
Has been there for me oh so deeply,
So yeah,
NO words NOR songs NOR any forms of “beautifully magnificently profound” expression can precisely describe how hard this is hitting me
Zach Dana Writing 