As It Always Has

(Re-Posted)

Huhh..,
My heart has been extracted,
Squeezed harder than before,
And pitched down into a fire shithole,
With far greater force than a 105 mile per hour fastball,

..,

I remember agreeing how painful it would be,
If you were to leave us so tragically unexpectedly,

I remember hearing songs,
Seeing pictures,
Videos,
..,
I remember imagining a memorial video,
I remember,
Just constantly fearing the death for you..,
..,
And due to a tragic chain of recent events,
That nightmare came true,

Shit!!
Although I just could have done so much more for you,
I still,
Always loved you,

I even remember after NOT knowing where you were,
As I often have before,
Calling to ask mom to see if you were with her,
And when she said “yes”,
Although hearing stuff such as that often helped me feel more reassured and less stressed,
..,
Including seeing a video of you among usual caretakers at night on the shore of the Outer Banks in “Kill Devil Hills” of North Carolina,
Well..,
Even though you have previously went running off alone in this dangerous world and had better luck..,
I just painfully never knew,
That you’d wind up dead far away in that other Outer Banks town (that I also once visited!) called “Duck”..,
FUCK!!!!!

This could have been another entertaining story of you as our beloved dog Kobe acting crazy while mysteriously surviving miraculously,
Oh how I wish you’d return to me!!
..,
More than once (before losing you) while lying awake in bed,
I’ve heard mom yell “Kobe!”,
“Kobe!”,
And I’d think..,
“Oh great.. Here comes a tragedy..”,
..,
I even remember the time you went into a fox den,
When my mom and neighbor heard noises of what sounded as a deadly scuffle,
When (as I’ve heard) they initially thought to be fatal,
UNTIL after the mother fox and her offspring came marching out,
With you following UNscathed which was just an UNexpected MIRACLE..,

Yet this time..,
Evidently..,
The reality was just UNexpectedly horrible..,

And although family members of mine worked hard to train you..,
And although I (and/or whoever) just may should have done more..,

Well..,

Damn..,
I just do NOT remember the recent last time I saw you..,
Especially since I just..,
NEVER expected that it would be the last time I’d ever see you,
..,
Yet I always hope to once again be with you..,

And for me,
What expectedly followed after that tragic chain of events,
Was a chain of deepening pain,
..,
And based on my understandings of what I have been told..,
I feel that there’s just no one to blame,
And even if so I will try to refrain,
Since I feel that,
Blaming would just increase damaging inner pain,

Huhh..,
For one I feel that,
Assuming there’s “someone to blame”,
No one is “perfect”,
Some are UNintentionally less “perfect” than others..,
People UNintentionally make mistakes,
Some UNintentionally more than others,
..,
Regardless,
I prefer the pain to reduce..,

And well,
(Based on what I presently understand and remember being informed of),
First there was,
All the times BEFORE while waiting for us INCLUDING in the same minivan..,
That ONE extremely RARE automatic car sliding door malfunction..,
You exiting then becoming lost while trying to find everyone..,
One restaurant worker (who generously tried helping) being inches from catching you,
Who (as I’ve heard) also saw you almost get hit by two cars on a busier street..,
Hours before running in to the only car passing through a narrow road after midnight..,
Huhh..,

And then what of course followed within me was shock,
Including bigger internal emotional tidal waves,
That arose within and crushed my initially emotional hyper-reactive tendencies additionally harder than before..,
Huhh..,
They’ll just powerfully come smashing down on me,
I’ll drown deeper in misery,
I’ll come up for air,
Revive and/or reorient myself..,
And then there will come others that crush me repeatedly..,

I’m just continually struggling to settle,
At a peaceful shore,
And even though I may not find you there,
Even though I’ll “keep my head up” and “never give up”,
Well,
This is just too much to bare,

Oh how I wish your usual presence would return to me,
As it always has previously

(Here’s a song, and I hope this is the right link: https://youtu.be/DPL_SV3n7IU (Artist: Pink Floyd, Song: “Wish You Were Here” (1975) Album: “Wish You Were Here”))