I’m either being “too sensitive”,
Or “not sensitive enough”,
I’m either being told to be honest,
And them I’m being told I’m an “ass”,
I’ll be told I need to have more confidence,
And then considered an annoyance,
People tell me to “just be yourself”,
And when I do,
I easily get negatively categorized and rejected once again..,
I’m told to just “speak my mind”,
Be my “true self”,
Yet I “can’t say that”,
“Must NEVER do that”,
..,
I’ll be told to “not take shit from anyone”,
And also to “stop taking shit so personally”,
I’m always “doing it wrong”,
Never feel that strong..,
For me,
Balance just..,
Never came easy..,
And will “keeping me head up”,
Really help me feel LESS of an autistic stigmatized inevitably ostracized fuck up?
Maybe I should once again “shut the fuck up”..,
?
And yeah,
When I’m not talking I’m “too quiet”,
And when I’m talking I’m just “being annoying”,
Damn..,
I’ll try,
Fail,
Try another way,
Fail another way,
Huhh..,
And well..,
Guess I can always be better,
And there’s always something for others to criticize me for,
Because I can always do better..,
Because I’m an anxious easy target,
And even though I do not want to make my life harder by feeling more crushed resulting from trying to “stand up” to those who will NEVER understand..,
Well,
To also be honest about it,
I just don’t want to keep taking it,
And if I do stand up to more powerful egos in direct control over me,
Instead of having empathy,
They’ll send me horrifically more shit..,
I’ll receive a more emotionally derailing punishment..,
Oh how I just feel stuck in it,
And fail so often to find peace with it..,
As always,
“There’s NEVER an excuse for it”,
And NOT that there is..,
Yet..,
I just wish I felt more understanding from those who understandably can NOT stand me,
And well,
Even though this may never be the reality,
I wish for kinder and more peacefully understanding energy,
Because well,
I try being kind to others such as those above me,
And I wish I felt they’d express more understanding..,
That just may help us function profoundly more effectively..,
Yet well..,
?
Since I can NOT change others I fail to avoid,
There’s just never a guarantee,
That they’ll express in return,
Kind and peaceful energy..,
And well..,
Too many may just view me as a liability,
Who might try to feel more in control by critically controlling me,
Not to “teach me”,
To attempt to satisfy their insecurity,
..,
Maybe they’ll firmly instruct me what to sign?
What to “identify” as,
And if I try to express myself honestly,
They’ll frighten and overpower me..,
And why do many really want to talk with me?
Do most really wish to “get to know me?”
Or do they want to proudly hear themselves talking?
Do they want to feel more power by dumping their misery onto me?
Since they sense I just may give them plenty of reasons to,
Given my anxiety,
My struggles socially,
My learning disability..,
Oh how I’m just an easy target,
So they just can’t resist taking out their anger onto someone who will not painfully return it..,
Shit..,
And well,
I guess(?) even though we all may be to varying degrees,
Struggling differently,
Well,
I guess for even the most privileged,
The mind can fill us with misery,
And/or “how it should be”,
Infinitely,
?
So may more and more of us,
Increasingly accept that negativity may always pass through us,
Yet instead of getting deeply lost in it,
May we remember to notice our breath,
And hopefully,
In the healthiest most supported way we know,
Find more and more peace within the inevitable bullshit,
And/or whatever is the “best” way to word it..,
And even though I guess we can “always do better”,
Even though people like me especially must keep “getting our shit together”,
Well,
Maybe at least sincerely working on being kind to each other,
Can provide needed energy,
To truly help us clear more and more inner layers of the emotional (and/or whatever types of) pain we just may carry,
..,
And may we develop and sustain the strength,
To stay more inwardly peacefully strong,
When similar and/or worse forms of (internal and/or external) pain inevitably come our way,
And although this may be so much easier to say than to properly sufficiently consistently practice,
Well,
At least I’m trying to word this,
At least I’m trying to take at least one other step in a direction I presently see as most helpful for myself,
..,
And well,
If I help myself,
If I develop the awareness needed to “get with the program”,
Well,
Maybe that’ll at least somewhat make it LESS likely for me to make stuff harder for those who happen to surround and/or are deeply counting on me,
?
Hence,
The LESS I’m distracted by various forms of deeply dark and discouraging negativity,
Just maybe,
The more clear I’ll be,
To fulfill whatever is needed for myself among those I inevitably share society with,
?
And one step,
Which I just tried to take,
Is posting this,
Because I feel,
People such as me (if not everybody),
May always feel a need for reminding and/or focusing on a path to follow,
That in whatever circumstances,
Just may hopefully,
Help us find at least some peace,
With our inevitable reality,
?
And even though I guess I can’t escape pain,
For reasons such as:
Since bad choices may make stuff harder for me,
Just as making good choices may also feel hard..,
Well..,
Overall,
What steps will truly most likely increase the present moment to feel most morally and self-servingly worth experiencing?
Is a question I feel a need to keep asking,
While proceeding along whatever path I feel to be most compatible and deeply gratifying,
Yep,
I’ll keep going
Zach Dana Writing 