Worrying

I feel that as for me presently:

Knowing how unnecessary it is to worry STILL does NOT prevent the harmful energy depleting/increasingly emotional imbalancing worrying feelings from passing through me,
..,
There’s always that SMALL possibility which my attention fixates on that causes me to lose energy..,

The excessively pointless worrying just remains as the center of my attention too frequently,
It discourages me from proceeding as being myself more openly,
Worrying prevents me from surviving out of my shell in ways I likely actually HAVE the ABILITY,

And well,
Even though I want to be recognized for the hard work I do to attempt at clearly organizing thoughts and/or feelings from what I view as unique experiences I work at sharing..,
Well (for example)..,
I still worry about people stealing my writing,
..,
I worry about some enemy of mine trying to slander and/or discredit me..,
I worry about people being fooled into irreparably misunderstanding me in a way irreparably damaging for me,
(I just had to stand up to certain bullies eventually, even if they’d respond additionally more aggressively and irrationally.. even if they do now and/or may ever have far more power politically, socially, economically and/or financially (if that makes sense evidently..(?))),

I often view myself as “kind, caring and capable” as someone close to me reminds me,
Yet I need to live MORE truthful for this present life experience (which I’m presently experiencing) to feel more worth experiencing,
Regardless,
Even though there’s always a risk factor,
I intend to keep trying,

I’m an anxious middle-class yes-man who’s a way easier target than the richest humans,

For example,
Poor and/or however desperate tech-savvy individuals may target me so much more easily,
And whether they’re “on the spectrum” or not,
Their desperate situation may provide them deeper survival awareness to get what they feel they need from my oblivious economically privileged autistic anxiety..,

Instead of targeting those in power,
I’ll just be right there,

And aside from writing,
However I attempt to put myself out there,
I’ll be fooled into putting myself to them,
..,
And even if I checked the URL..,
Still..,
How can I really tell..(?),

And since (I feel that) sentient human history is pretty brutal evidently,
And since stuff appears horrific for many presently,
And since stuff does not appear to be going in a healing/consciously awakening direction (to me) unfortunately..,

Even as for many who claim to be “helping me”..,
What can I really expect their true intentions to be..?

Seriously,
I understand worrying will NOT change the reality,
Yet..,
Just thought I’d also point out the reality that I’ve seen and continue to see and expect reluctantly..,

Welp,
I guess all I can do,
Since I can NOT avoid,
NOR change those around me,
NOR control how they respond to me when I proceed out of my anxious shell courageously..,
..,
All I can do,
Is keep trying to find and sustain growing peace within me,
As life continues to throw more and more toxic energy at me..(?),

I feel to have been through a lot already,
Yet I still see a “rough road ahead of me”,

I’ll just keep practicing allowing the inevitable bullshit,
To pass like a current,
That my awareness does not get lost in NOR identify as a part of,

As various forms of painful negativity pass through and manifest around me,
I can still practice removing my awareness from toxicity and remain more and more aware of the inner healing peace growing within me,

Inhale,
..,
Exhale,
..,

I can just notice the changing sensations perpetually passing through me,

And even though I may have failed to explain this properly..(?),
Even though I may have failed to practice adequately consistently,
Well..,
I still have the opportunity to experience more of what life has to offer me,
If I try to remain more and more out of my shell consistently and consciously when truly ready,

And the time I feel is NOW evidently,

And I still feel a need to keep working to peacefully accept that,
There’s always some level of risk,
That I must NOT let stop me