Waiting

As always I do NOT intend for anyone to take this personally,
NOR mean to claim others have it “easy”,
I guess..(?),
This is just usual negativity that passes through me,
And weighs within when I fail to clear it “properly”,
It slows me down and makes others mad filling me with more of it..,
Too many have nothing to offer to help me heal the source of it so I can work faster and make stuff easier for them as well..,
They hate being around me yet I feel they’re toxic critical energy makes it harder mutually for as long as they’re forced to remain in contact with me..,
Okay here’s another post I just started working on:

As for whatever I believe,
As for truth I see,
The reason why I may repeat and/or reword it so frequently,
Is because I struggle with it repeatedly,
So I try to remind and/or emphasize it constantly,

Because I struggle to keep up,
I feel “less fit”,
I feel too different,
EVEN among those also “autistic”..,

There’s just too different of a way I too often feel to see it,
And many others who may “care” will one day permanently lose patience with me,
Understandably,

And well I wish I didn’t feel like I made stuff harder for everybody,
I wish I felt I could pull my weight as easily,
With zero intense emotions weighing in me internally,
I wish inner peace felt to come and stay more easily,

And even though I may struggle to work on the same level,
Others will just criticize,
And remind me of stuff I already know such as that if I don’t go faster,
Others may have to work longer,
And maybe finish what I didn’t finish,
Which makes sense why they’d get mad,
Yet getting mad will just make me feel worse,
..,
It’ll derail me more easily..,
And the more I mess up,
The more they’ll reprimand me,
Which will only make stuff harder for me,
Because I’ll feel more bad,
Less confident,

And well,
As they get more mad,
I’ll feel more bad,
And therefore,
I’ll screw up more,

(Incase I “need” to say this: SPOILER
ALERT I guess..(?)),

Eventually I’ll just wind up unable to function anymore,
And then will just wind up in some institution,
Be forced medication,
Maybe have “support” groups facilitated by someone like Nurse Ratched..?
Captain Hadley..?
WORSE!?,

Maybe not “that bad” of course..(?),
Yet I’ve been struggling a long time on my life course,
And fear stuff becoming..,
Yep,
WORSE..,

And I guess..(?),
Another way to look at the point is,
I’d guess that,
Others’ criticism,
That only points out stuff I’m doing wrong,
And tells me nothing helpful NOR positively reminds times I got it right,
Just..,
Makes it worse,

And since I’m emotionally sensitive already,
Since there’s so much weighing in me that I fail to let go of constantly,
Since many others are also seemingly barely able to take care of themselves and just may view me as someone who makes shit worse,

Of course survival will be even harder,
And spirling may be more likely,

Of course as always I’ll keep going,
Yet as for better days,
I keep waiting

Citations (no particular format):

(Source #1/film with character referenced: “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” Release Date: November 19th, 1975)

(Source #2/film with character referenced: “The Shawshank Redemption”, Release Date: September 22nd, 1994)