What really needs to be addressed..?
And what is a “false alarm”..(?),
I guess that (for example) we may all have (to different extents) differently cultivated different views of what we regard as emotional “harm”..?
And well,
I guess (geographical, social, etc..) brutal environmental experiences MORE likely create brutal personalities that MORE likely perpetuate to direct future generations..(?),
Yet,
Although maybe at some points we need to remain focused and “block out” what we’re NOT ready to inwardly emotionally “heal”,
Well..,
Is becoming a hardass in response to brutally hard life experiences the most “noble” and “worthy” path..?
And well,
I guess(?) pertaining to how we view ourselves and others,
Maybe instead of just looking to see what is “wrong” with us,
We can (for example) more deeply understand how our development and/or choice/decision making awareness was affected in response to what happened to us,
In order to see more clearly,
And therefore access greater personal capability,
Welp,
Although they may be few,
Elusive,
and scattered far apart,
..,
I’ll continue attempting to sufficiently fulfill my part,
At (hopefully) discovering environments and/or experiences,
That feel more compatible,
For myself to meaningfully access and sustain capabilities for myself and whoever else,
Such as for getting “better” at writing stuff that I intend to be helpful..,
Welp..,
It still feels like a struggle,
Yet as for it feeling easier through practice and NOT getting too discouraged,
(such as after several others making it clear to me that they feel I should “just stop”),
I STILL remain hopeful that if I keep going in ways I clearly see fit,
That it’ll just work out better for myself and whoever may ever feel a continual need to read whatever (or some of the stuff) I share (and thanks to those who do and/or have at least once felt that writing I’ve shared was at least somewhat helpful(?))..,
And to try to keep being real,
I guess I believe I often additionally feel that:
When I join a new group I get anxious,
And several others seem to feel a need to keep a distance,
And the criticism just does NOT help me understand more beneath the surface,
Maybe others will straight up hate me,
Some may claim to be “helping” me EVEN when I feel their hardass instruction is adding irreparable emotional damage within me,
And no matter how clearly I try to communicate my needs..,
Well..,
They still won’t want to do stuff differently..,
Many may also still FAIL to refrain from busting my balls repeatedly,
And I just do NOT have more trust of those “on the spectrum” just “like me”,
Regardless of how we may have been labeled,
I feel we’re all (pretty much) just as capable of being nasty,
And as for in social situations when my balls are being busted,
I’ll pretend to be “chill” about it,
So I don’t “kill the vibe” and have more reject me,
For reasons such as,
When I honestly express how I see to be feeling it,
Most don’t seem to like it,
Their insecure egos may just feel threatened by the criticism they feel to interpret from it,
Maybe a hypothetical response I’d receive is,
“It’s just a joke bruh.. Like why are you so sensitive all the time!? It’s fucking annoying..”,
Yet NOT like that kind of criticism teaches me to be less sensitive,
Not like it assists me along a path of more peacefully witnessing my breath and inner sensations in order to “relax” (when sober NOR harming internal organs..),
Not like having others just point out what’s wrong with me helps me use my sensitivity for good INSTEAD of getting triggered then emotionally derailed so easily..,
And eventually,
After I once again FAIL to appear “happily in sync” with the energy,
They’ll stop inviting me,
And then once again,
I’ll sink back into my shell of isolation,
And deepening dysconnection,
And of course,
Worsening derailing dysregulated emotional frustration,
Increasing the possibility of others in authority,
Who’d ALSO never want to be around me,
To,
Force me to take brutally heavy medication,
Follow whatever path(s) that may “help” them or whatever they feel I “need” yet will NOT help me understand more deeply (including deeper causes and/or ways to further heal what’s actually troubling me)..,
And well,
Once again,
Others will shut me down,
And develop more control over me,
So I do NOT “threaten” their individual and/or collective egoic level of control of whatever part(s) of society,
And I’ll remain in my shell,
My awareness narrowing and capability damaging limiting cell,
More and more deeply,
I’ll just more likely,
Spiral into deeper insanity,
Giving off vibes more stigmatizing than ever previously,
Oh..,
May I discover more inner healing peace,
In whatever inevitable present reality,
May I find more peace,
Even within whatever level of external control others may continually force upon me,
And well,
If others took inner peace development more seriously,
Well,
For example,
Would more of us function (internally and externally) more peacefully and feel to experience life more gratifyingly deeply..?
And that ALSO goes for me,
And I feel to have had experiences and may have plenty more,
That’ll remind me,
Of the inner peace needed to remain balanced,
So I’m not more stigmatized as being considered “chemically imbalanced”,
Since I still feel to be very vulnerable in a world I often view as dangerously out of balance,
So others will (hopefully) NOT continually FALSELY view whatever I do as another “red flag” and then feel a need to take action in ways that make stuff WORSE (mostly for me unfortunately)..,
And not to perpetuate a “victim mentality” of more toxic negative energy,
It’s just..,
More feelings I wanted to try to make clear to feel less alone in them..,
Huhh..,
Sometimes I spot danger,
Other times others painfully catch me by surprise,
May I,
(Among whoever else..),
Discover,
Sustain,
Increasing,
Inner peaceful survival awareness and/or alertness,
May we feel this inevitable present moment to be more and more of a worthy experience,
I hope that made at least some additional helpful sense
Zach Dana Writing 