As for NOT letting others’ intimidating opinions NOR spot on and quick-witted hate hold me back..,
As for continually trying to put into words to at least somewhat indicate how I feel to be feeling:
For one,
In whatever unique way(s),
Others may also express in their own way some form and level of “crazy shit”,
And/or might straight-up treat others like shit,
Yet as for any forms of their nasty sides,
They just may be better at hiding it..(?),
Oh I’ve seen it..,
Instead of publicly uncontrollably expressing it,
Behind closed doors,
With NO cameras NOR tape recorders in sight,
Just may be where they more likely unleash it..(?),
Oh I’ve seen it..,
And after additionally hearing about it,
I certainly can see it,
As for some other stuff among the infinite stuff I attempt to share when it feels most appropriate aside from when I fail to control it:
I feel it’s been hard,
Becoming more independent,
While constantly feeling to see stuff differently,
While feeling if I open myself up,
Too many others will too often just want me to “shut the fuck up”,
As it has constantly felt to be the implicit and/or direct message(s) previously..,
And I just do NOT expect most people I continue to meet to be that different NOR change at all..,
And even many who may want me to be more honest may also want to avoid me after I try taking that suggestion of theirs seriously..,
Many just may be like “to be honest I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about” (if not worse..),
So as for honestly attempting to proceed more safely and considerately out of my shell,
It’ll once again feel to be another fail..,
I (also) often feel that many people who tell me to “avoid toxic people” may feel just as toxic for me..(?),
Someone may do too much of this while the other does too much of that,
And just as they may lose patience with me,
I’ll also feel a strong need for something different eventually..,
And well those trustworthy “like-minded” groups may be too few and far apart,
And even then..,
Sometimes the friendship still may shatter apart..,
And although I appreciate others trying to help me,
It still bothers me,
When others feel that I’ll get along “easier” with those “on the spectrum” the “same” as me,
And I feel that even those labeled “like me”,
May ALSO have their own unique experiences,
Which they may have reacted to uniquely and/or have been shaped by uniquely,
So I also just do NOT feel that there will “more likely” be any “deeper connection” with those who also struggle to socially connect “like me”,
If anything there may just be a bigger disconnection..(?),
(since how can we connect deeper through shared struggles to socially connect(?))..?
Yet of course that also may depend on the individual person and I guess how you “look at it”..(?),
And well,
Just to “throw it out there”,
Those ALSO on the “autistic spectrum”,
I feel,
Can be just as nasty,
No matter what group we may be categorized as,
No matter our history,
I feel that we’re still human evidently,
And well,
Maybe (for example) aside from being labeled in order to get what is viewed as needed support services..(?),
I do NOT feel that more internal and external peaceful coexistence,
Is made easier by dividing more people into “US” and “THEM” categories..,
(Source: Manson, Mark. Everything is F*cked: A Book About Hope. New York, HarperCollins, 2019, p. 96. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),
But that’s just what I feel to have come to see,
And I hope I have been communicating myself as I intend to be..(?),
And well even though I can “not speak for others” I still feel that,
(For example),
Many others may feel I “need” more evaluations,
More prescriptions,
..,
Many others may feel I just “need” to be yelled at more and louder..,
Maybe some (if not most) may feel I “need” to get beat even harder to “wake up” even “clearer”..(?),
Regardless of what others feel “works for them”..,
Will (for me) more punishment always result in deeper “enlightenment”..(?),
Must I always have my ass whooped in order to “find the light” and actually function more in a way that’s “right”..(?),
Not trying to say it’s “just about me” yet it does frustrate me when those who I feel I can NOT avoid always strongly disagree and/or maybe continually force me to unquestionably obey what their more externally powerful egos feel to see as “best for me”..,
Ohh how easy it is to overpower my lack of confidence and high anxiety,
Oh how those in power can easily utilize the opportunity to feel “better about themselves” through direct control over me..,
Yet does that really help heal their source of inner insecure need for control honestly..(?),
Yet to (hopefully) feel better and feel less let down..,
I feel I must continually try to let go of expecting them to ever take me seriously..,
And well..,
However much they’re “on the spectrum” or not,
Well..,
Whatever may often feel to work for them,
May just have a different effect on me..(?),
And I know once again it’s NOT “just about me”,
Yet still,
I’m just trying to the best of my present ability,
To make clearer and clearer,
Stuff that I have felt to see,
And even if I’m completely “wrong”,
Well..,
At least feeling understood (and/or kindly acknowledged..),
Just may help me with energy,
That’ll actually help motivate and continue myself with adjusting in the best way and location I see and trust as the best fit as for where I feel to be at,
To remain more financially independent,
And just get and stay more “with it”,
And I don’t even know if I sufficiently described all that..(?),
Maybe I’ll end up regretting posting most if not all of this among whatever else..(?),
Yet well,
At least I’m trying,
To stay more and more out of my shell,
So stuff feels to go more,
well,
And even if these rhymes,
Figures of speech and/or whatever could have been far more “properly pieced together”,
I still hope reading this offered at least something,
That overall helped in some way,
To make whatever it is,
Feel at least somewhat,
Yes,
Better,
?
As always thank you for reading
Zach Dana Writing 