Sleep Schedule

Even though I feel,
We must keep trying to keep “keeping it real”,
Well to be honest,
Sometimes when honesty is expressed aggressively and/or threateningly,
What sticks with me more than the “important message”,
Just happens to be the toxic forms of energy that may be surrounding the honesty..(?),

And I don’t even know if that was expressed helpfully clearly..(!?),

And well I guess sufficiently being kind while honest,
Or kind while “real”,
Remains seemingly impossible for many,
To be real..,
Unfortunately,

Even though it’s “not just about me”,
Even though I can NOT get people to “understand” in ways I feel to see,

Even though regardless of the clearness of my explanations..,
Others may always be determined to keep hating me..(?),

Just to throw it out there,
Feeling constantly dismissed,
Misunderstood and reprimanded,
Is NOT going to help me regain a more balanced sleep schedule,

Instead of seeing more clearly,
Maybe I’ll “have to” be prescribed more medication,
So I get LESS offended as frequently..,
..,
Because if I excessively FAIL to emotionally handle those I can NOT change NOR avoid..,
Well..,
If I can NOT sufficiently remain focused,
Someone else with more external power will just..,
Do it for me as they feel and/or claim to be “helping me”..,

And even if I appear as the “threat” that I’m truly NOT..,
Well..,
I understand others feeling a need to feel “safe instead of sorry”,
Hence I also feel we just must..,
Sustain at least some level of order and stability..,
Even if our imperfections just happen to be UNintentionally causing others to suffer severely..(?),
Shit..,
I guess most are doing their “best”,
Given their present awareness..,

To speak for myself,
Aggressive intense energy,
Is just NOT going to help me feel LESS intense internally,
It is NOT going to help me complete a task at work and/or wherever more “effectively”..,
It’ll just..,
Once again..,
Weigh within and/or however..,
Work against me..,

And even though I feel I just can NOT prevent others who I’m forced to be around from continuing to react to me in certain ways..,
As always..,
I just have to keep trying to make peace with it..,

I feel I..,
Just must (at least) try to continually practice..,
Allowing the toxic energy currents to continue to pass,
INSTEAD of fighting what I can NOT control..,

Several others may keep on insulting,
And instead of wasting energy by trying to stop what I canNOT avoid and canNOT stop..,
Well..,
I just gotta find more peace while taking it,
Since I can NOT get them to stop it..,
Since I can NOT magically provide them inner peacefully empathy..,

That just AIN’T THE REALITY that I see..,

And..,
Not to waste energy “blaming others”,
Nor especially to NOT let others’ confident beliefs ever again excessively hold me back..,

Well..,
As long as I remain peaceful,
Am I “NEVER allowed”,
To express jealousy,
To those who always seemed to be more likable,
More popular,
More successful..(?),

Yeah I know I’m only judging what I see “on the surface”,
Yet..,
Am I “never allowed” to express the pain I feel,
That I feel largely results from what I feel to constantly interpret on the surface..(!?),

Even if I’ll never attain level(s) of understanding from others that I may wish,
Even if popular culture will more likely favor the popular confident scumbags..,

Is it always a “crime” if I express..,
Even the slightest jealousy,

Well..,
Aside from NOT letting painful emotions derail me,
Aside from just finding more peace by letting them be as they inevitably continue to pass through me,

And if more posting to this platform may also NOT helpfully serve me..(?),
Well..,

Thanks as always for reading..,

And well..,

As for my right to ALSO express what I see,

I just feel I must keep going,
And NOT let others’ brilliantly and powerfully expressed opinions ever again stop me from being ME,

And not that it’s “all about me”,
Yet well..,
What is the impact I’m really having..(?),
And could be having..(?),
For myself among whoever else..,

And well..,
If I once again “fail”,
At least I will LESS likely regret “not trying”,

Hence I plan to keep going,

Even if what I constantly wish it would be,
Just never is,
NOR becomes the reality..,
Well..,
With practice,
I guess it’s still possible,
To discover and sustain,
More peace,
Deeply within me

?