When I step out of my shell,
I may spiral out of control,
..,
Yet when I remain in my shell,
I ALSO do NOT feel well,

Hence,
Although I feel a need to put myself out into the world while peacefully furthering alignment with the truth I see,
I still may become triggered so damn easily,

I view myself as highly sensitive and NOT liked by many,
So yes,
Being myself out there has NOT felt easy,
Yet going back into my socially isolated shell,
Will also NOT help experiencing this life feel more worthy,

I’ll keep going,
As I do what I see as most fit for me,
To remain balanced emotionally,
While trying to put myself out into the world,
While trying to increasingly peacefully align my words and actions with the truth I see,
Along whichever path I view,
As most truly compatible for me

Many others seem to not have a problem being honest with me,
Such as making it clear to me,
That..,
They just “do not know what I’m talking about”,

They’re not afraid to get it out,
They know I will NOT verbally,
NOT spiritually,
NOT emotionally,
NOR physically knock them out,

Yet as for me,
I get intimidated too easily,
So the honesty I wish to reciprocate that I carry within me,
Painfully builds in me too damn easily,
Because if I feel I try to express how I feel,
Even kindly,

I fear many just will still,
Not respond kindly NOR understandingly,

They may,
No longer even want to spend time with me,
Then I’ll once again return to more social isolation,
As it often has been,
Time and time again,
After continual failed social interaction(s)

Although this may not have been word for word,
This is essentially a type of experience that I’ll encounter online to damn frequently..,
And even though this was not nearly as bad as so many..,
Well..,
These simplistic view points do sometimes add frustration within me..,

Essentially,
I’ll make one point,
And then someone will respond with a narrowed interpretation,
..,
Such as in response to this police bodycam video showing this one girl getting arrested,
I essentially tried to make clear that even though she made “bad choices”,
There’s a whole history behind her behavior/decision making awareness,
That developed the way(s) it did because of whatever..,
That is not some simple answer such as “she’s acting this way because she was ‘coddled’”..,

Wow..,
People make love and kindness sound so NEGATIVE..,

Yet,
When I tried to point out that I feel that there’s more to why the girl was acting the way she did than what the bodycam may depict/imply,
..,
This one response to what I said happened to say,
“That’s true, but I don’t think the police were hiding anything”,
Which made it SEEM as if all I was “implying” was that the police were “hiding something”,
Therefore serving to NARROW important critical thinking..,
Therefore implying I was speaking “against” the police and therefore making it appear as if I was on the “wrong” side..,
When in reality,
I feel that the police handled the situation just properly,
And as for the comment section,
I feel that the girl must NOT be judged so simplistically..,
For reasons of the importance of expanding critical thinking additionally..,

And well (for example)..,
Did the girl being arrested want her mom because she loved her mom or because she was “coddled”..(?),

Was the girl having a meltdown as a result of other unhealed trauma that had NOTHING to do with her mom..(?),

And the initial comment that sparked the YouTube reply thread,
Also essentially said (as I indicated above),
“this is the perfect example of someone whose parents coddled them their whole life”,
Which got at least three thousand thumbs up..,
And the comment’s up votes are still going up..,

And well..,
(According to me..),
Of course self-reliance is important,
Yet it was more the popular comment’s choice of words that made this sound so nasty..,
And (for me) it’s hard to view the nastiness being increasingly approved of by so damn many,

Because in my belief,
Being coddled doesn’t have to be viewed in the worst ways possible..,
NOR does pointing out how there’s more to what’s shown in the bodycam imply you’re “against the police”,

And even though I really can NOT expect anything good to come out of most people I interact with on YouTube,
Maybe if we expanded our awareness,
From less simplistic convenient hardass world views,
To deeper understanding on ALL SIDES,
Well..,
Maybe..,
Just maybe there’d be less of a temptation to excessively block out emotional pain through drugs..(?),
Maybe the police would ALSO receive the empathy that I feel they ALSO deserve..,

?

Because well..,
In my opinion,
The more we hate each other,
The harder it is to compassionately coexist among all surrounding interdependent others

(Source: YouTube, Channel: “Crime Scene Cam”, March 9th, 2023, I hope this is the correct video link: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7Y60JAgFkrA&feature=youtu.be)

If I’m trying to kindly open myself up and consider ways of making inevitable difficult moments easier,
It’ll feel worse if someone impatiently and dismissively replies by saying “that’s why we need to work faster to get out of here”,

If I say,
You know,
Someone named Eckhart Tolle essentially said “stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there”,
(Source: Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now. Novato, California, Namaste Publishing and New World Library, 1997, p. 84. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),

And if the response I receive is,
“That’s why we need to get out of here”,
That does not really help make the inevitable present moment easier,

And if I’m trying to be kind and sincere,
I expect it in return,
Yet if the person I’m forced to work with just gives some dismissive wise-ass response,
Well..,
Eventually I just may more likely lose patience,
Have another enemy,
And then struggle to keep my job ONCE AGAIN..,

And if I’m working “too slow”,
Struggling to remain peaceful,

If there’s a lot on my mind and I’m acting oblivious,
And when others just lose patience..,

When others just kick me when I’m down in order to vent their frustration..,
That just fills me with more debilitating misery..,

It does NOTHING to truly teach me,
Yet sadly,
To often,
Those who I’m supposed to work together with productively..,
Just become my enemy,

May we just be kinder to each other!!?

May we just be kinder to each other!!?

May we just consider being kind more seriously!!?

Huhhhhhh..,

Huhhhhh..

If my thoughts and emotions remain in control,
If my thoughts and emotions spiral out of control,
While still controlling my awareness,

While..,
Preventing me from being able to distinguish between a painful emotion and reality,
They just may make me sink into whatever toxic situation filled with deeper and deeper toxic emotion,

I just need to remember to breathe,
I just need to remember to,

Come back,
On track

Even if I struggle to pull my weight to a greater degree,
It’ll make it even harder if others want to utilize every “valid” moment they have to insult me,

Even if I struggle to pull my weight to a greater degree,
It’ll make it harder when those with power over me want to dump their misery onto me,
As a result of me struggling to a greater degree,

What I’ll say,
Is that others do not know how my life experiences have affected me,

And maybe if we truly found viable ways of how to be less nasty,
Maybe..,

Just maybe we’d work together more productively ..?

It seemed as if everything was going well until working together,
..,
We were chill with each other before,
Then the environment became harder,
We were put under more pressure,
And this other guy started getting frustrated with me,
And I lost patience,
Eventually

Instead of “treating others how we want to be treated”,
I feel like many abuse others how they feel they need to be abused..,

And well,
Even if someone feels more motivated after getting yelled at,
For me,
And well,
Assuming they’re yelling toxic insults INSTEAD of encouragement..,
Well..,

For me,
I listen and learn more when people treat me kindly

As for posting,
Although someone may always dig up a far gone seemingly evil part of me,

And even if I healed it so long ago,

Well,

I’m not perfect,
And as for my truth,

Well,

I feel a need,

To remain in alignment,

And even if a long gone part of me,
Is dug up and becomes only what most others see,
Well,
At least I tried being me more openly,

And even though I may have spiraled and went crazy,
As I said,
At least I tried,

And I’m not perfect evidently

Someone I know once said “all we need is some validation once in a while”,

I agree,
I need healthy welcoming social connection,
to help prevent me from spiraling into delusion far more deeply,
evidently,

Even if I’m wrong,
I just need to feel acknowledged,
not for my beliefs,
yet for my beingness,

Yet in order to remember that,
I’m still a part of others,
And that they have not forgot about me