If this describes how I feel,
I often feel that,
As for a lot:

This is dangerous,
The mainstream may not speak to us,
And those alternative(s) are dangerous,
??

What is my deepest fear?
What I described in my post called,
“Oven Casket”..,
??
Well,
NOT like I’d prefer,
Whatever others forms of horrific shit,
We may think of,
If that’s a decent way to describe it(?),

Yet I feel there’s infinite spectrums,
Infinite directions,
That are just infinite,

And as for this (I guess negative) context..,
Well..,
I need to avoid that person for that reason,
And I can NOT trust that other person,
For those other reasons,

Huhhh..,
And their unique good sides,
May just not manifest,
Frequent enough,
For my ability to manage around them,
To be enough..,
??

Yep..,

It can get rough..,

Yet,
I feel I must NOT excessively forget,

That,
If I really dig deep,
I just may discover,
How to arm myself,
How to take cover,
Figuratively speaking,

If ya get what I’m saying,

?

If not,
No worries,
As always,
Thanks for reading

Sometimes (if not often) I forget,
Sometimes (by trying to),
Making people “understand it”,
That I just MAY never be able to get them to get it,
..,
And quite often I feel I waste time with that,
So I try,
To,
Further direct my energy,
In way(s) that appear to be more,
Self-serving to me,

Oh and it is a challenge,
That I feel to remain as,
Ongoing..,

And although in time,
There remains that uncertainty,
Well,
I also feel,
And I also HOPE,

For the struggle,
To become,
Easier

I often struggle,
At looking inwardly,
When emanating energy externally,
(As for whatever that may be(?)),

Yet of course since I believe what I develop internally,
Is the source of what I give off externally,

Maybe the more clear inner peaceful power I cultivate and sustain inwardly,
Will help me out,
(Even if I’m not PRECISELY aware),
Of whatever I’m conveying,
??

While conveying it,
Externally,

??

And as for what I wrote here,
Maybe I’ll (at different points) not understand it and/or be less clear(?),
Yet,
As for (as they say) “wherever I’m at”,
I hope that,
In some way,
(Even if it’s a FAR more shallow way),
I hope,
That whatever I may try to express,
(Such as in writing),
May..,
At least help me,
In some,
Present,
Needed,
Way

I often feel that:

Everyone is different,
Everyone can be and/or has been labeled at some point,
It (as they say) “can always be better”,
There can always be more,
And/or,
The same,
And/or,
Recurring hurtful criticism,

There’s always another traditional,
And/or,
Newly created,
Sadistic judgmental belief system,
Always an exclusive collective “US versus Them”..,

Huhhh,

Huhhhhhhhh

AHHHHHHHHH

It’s like..,
What can ya do..??

And I’m like,
I’ll just keep struggling,
At what I presently feel,
Is,
Helpful,
Practical,

And of course,

True

Huhh..,
I just wanted to obsessively post with that title..,

I feel there’s so much double standards..,
I’ll try to talk and interact in a certain way,
Yet I feel,
There’s always so much stuff I’m just NOT allowed to say..,

And others may be better at hiding it,
Yet regardless,
Whenever I try,

I so often feel,
That’s there’s just..,

Something wrong with it..,

Yet a part of me is just like..,
Is just like,
Regardless of whatever they think,
Regardless of however they interact with me,
I’m going to try living more freely,
And just keep being me in the most PRACTICAL ways I see,

So f*ck them,
If they NEVER accept me,

I’ll keep trying to (also),
Further and further,
Develop,
That inner peaceful,
Chill warrior in me,

However literally and/or spiritually interconnected we may be..(?),
Well,
They exist externally,
So I’m going to try keeping at,

What I view is best,
For me,

Inwardly

Many sound like a bot,
Even if they’re not,
I feel they mostly perpetuate hate,
Seek to hurt instead of relate,
Think they’re making the world “great”,

What can I do,
Besides letting them be,
And staying on track the best I see,
Inwardly..,
?

..,

Many sound like an aware spiritual leader,
And just want to focus on themselves and lecture,
Instead of really seeking,
True interconnected efforts,
To truly,
Make stuff better..,

Guess it’s “whatever”?

..,

Many try to do this,
And just do that,
..,
Many are greatly aware of it,
And know that they just,
Can NOT help it..,

Welp..,
That’s,

How I often interpret it,
..,
And it’s been hard,
Struggling to,
Remain,
Safe from it

Well,
Regardless of intentions,
Even if something that I (for example),
Witness,
On the surface,
Also comes from an inner place,
That’s as shallow as can be,
That’s,
On the surface,
Clearly,

(Such as surface level values, surface level communication, of a surface level perpetuating culture..(?)),

Well,
I still feel that,
As for however I may expand my appreciation of that,
I feel as for (including that and whatever else like that),
That there may be,
ALWAYS,
Some deeper appreciation,
Experience,
Or as for whatever I witness,
That can be accessed,
Deeper and deeper,
Beneath the surface,

So I guess something I’m trying to say,
Is that even if something did NOT come from a deep place,
I can still appreciate it in a DEEP place,
And vice versa,

Or whatever the case,

??

And well..,
As for just one example (that may be a little off topic (?))..,
Well,
Maybe that could be an insult,
That comes from their surface level awareness..,
(Or wherever),
And that,
Our deeper awareness reminds us that..,
Well,
A part of them (however accessed, presently manifested or not),
Does NOT actually mean that

??

I’m sorry,
Because UNLIKE them,
You’ve immensely,
Been there for me,

Huhhh..,
Not to harmfully divisively judge and group others into categories,
(Such as “US” and “Them” categories.. (Source: Mark Manson, “Everything is F*cked” (2019) page 96 (no particular citation format (that I’m aware of)))),
Yet,
You were one who was WAY more kind to me..,

Should I post how I feel?
Or should I try to please others..?
Regardless,
I just wanted to add that I feel:

Just thought I’d also TRY to be straight-forward in a LESS destructive and MORE helpful way,
So here’s some stuff I presently feel a better part of me NEEDS to say:

This may not be that long,
Or it may not be AS long (as for whatever that is(?)),
Yet I’m trying to make my points,
I’m trying to make whatever I have to include in here,
Sufficiently CLEAR,
Sufficiently STRONG,
So I must admit,
Even though I’m trying to be less anxious and more straight-up,
I was WRONG,
So I felt that this may be another step,
That I needed to take,
As for making up..,
And of course helping prevent,
Emotional chemical build up,
Of another detrimental blow up,
To the friendship I’d say we both worked hard,
At building up,

Because (in my belief) if those emotional chemicals are building in ways that go unchecked,
They may one day clash and then explode and do damage to a friendship(?),
Emotionally speaking (and for myself),
And as for me that’s ALSO why I’m trying to do less drinking,
(And get “back on the pillow” as for stuff like meditating..),
Because (since I’m still emotionally hyper-alert/sensitive (due to my condition and emotionally exacerbated history (such as (largely) due to (how I was psychologically (and/or physiologically) affected resulting from) trauma resulting from those who bullied me))),
The (self-medicating/relaxing chemicals) may unconsciously (and therefore chemically) relax me in one direction,
Yet THEN cause my emotions (when those intoxicants) leave me,
To immensely SWING in another direction..?
Causing my chemicals to IMBALANCE even more out of balance..,
..,
And due to these times and all this isolation,
That reminded me of how I felt back in times (such as) in middle school and high school due to social rejection(s),
(Aside from frequent frustration and feeling disproportionately laughed at and others using my learning/emotional challenges against me when I DID have more “friends” and/or acquaintances in different moments previously..),
Due to my CONDITION(s),
Due to (in the mid 90s) insurance companies wanting to save money by NOT giving my mom a morning sickness alleviation IV and instead wanting to save money and conveniently give her that prescribed drug called “PHENERGAN” (while pregnant with me) that I largely attribute to my “ADHD”,
“generalized anxiety”,
And “Asperger’s Syndrome”..,
(And the “statute of limitations” period was OVER BEFORE I was diagnosed with ANY of my condition(s).. (so by the time my parents knew the damage to me was done, the time we had to sue was far over, it was done.. (so it largely seems they got by with what they’d done (to me))) yet as (I’d say) we know.. it’s best that I just let that shit go..),
Well..,
Aside from that and all else that may be taken into consideration for this or ANY social/emotional equation..,
Well,
I just wanted to apologize for my part in the explosion..,

As for that post I made about you,
Because I did not feel there was any other way I’d be able to communicate that,
And yes I shared it with many we both know,
Even though,
It was me who it seemed to have a worse effect on(?),
Such as,
Since it appeared that I was talking shit,
And blowing stuff out of proportion,
Which I’d guess (of course) we agree is DEFINITELY no fun,

And yes I can NOT speak for others (like yourself) obviously,
And (I feel) I need to do better at changing my behavior which is more important than another apology..,
Since an apology will NOT mean shit if I continue to do it..,
To put that in other words I want to add that my apologizing will mean NOTHING if what I apologize for (similar and/or worse) keeps on happening after the apologizing..,
And regardless of typos and misuse of words (here)..,
I hope you understand what I’m trying to say here,
No matter how unaware and unclear I may be in certain WAYS,
Even if I may disproportionately inwardly emotionally chemically still REACT in certain destructive/explosive ways..,
Huhhhh..,
As for preventive measures and/or indicators of why I get certain ways..,
Huhh..,
I’m just trying to,
Make it clear,
In more VIABLE ways,
And yet,
Making and sustaining inner clearness,
Has NOT been easy for me,
Repeatedly,
Yet as always,
I’m still trying to rediscover,
And/or re-develop,
That chill,
Inner peaceful warrior,
In me..,
And even though I may have conditions,
I still believe in equal/fair accountability,
So I’d deeply appreciate it if you understand my attempts at this apology..,
And I feel it’ll really help me if you’d accept it OBVIOUSLY..,

And I’ll admit that,
Because,
I understand you did NOT mean to offend me,
Even though I did not interpret your true intentions to be as light-hearted as they were,
And since you have often been there,
Welp,
I’m sorry,

Yes..,
I get certain ways,
And I’m trying to change that,
In the best ways I see fit,
And even though I may struggle at it,
I know,
I’m still accountable,
And must NOT (as many say (I think)) “sell myself short”,
Because of my neurodivergent label(s),

Due to other egos using my learning challenges and emotional hyper-alertness against me,
As I think you clearly see,
I can and have reacted severely,
To very small stuff such as those joking with me light-heartedly..,
..,
And even if my balls were ever,
Or are to ever again be busted disproportionately,
Well,
At least you’re someone who is there for me,
At least you have good intentions for me,
At least you’re someone who has done a lot for me,
At least you’re NOT one of those who severely used my challenges against me to foolishly attempt to make up for their own insecurity by trying to feel a sense of control over me,
(And in my belief.. of course that only covers up and does NOT heal and/or address real inner causes of unconsciously built up emotional (for example) trauma/insecurity.. (and of course that’s just me.. and whoever may agree (?))),
..,
At least you’re someone when need be,
Has been there and is aware,
For an over-thinking jabroni like me..,

And so,
Although I can NOT control,
How you’ll respond to this,
Yet,
Since I’m sorry,
Well,
I hope that you accept,
This,
Apology,

If you do NOT want to,
I get it,
Yet as for what I wrote and shared,
Well,
I’m starting to,
Deeply,
Regret it,

And also,
I really wish for more in person social connection,
Because all this isolation,
Seems to have recently ADDITIONALLY contributed,
To me blowing even small stuff (such as certain social interaction memories) WAY out of proportion,
So overall,
I hope to chill more,
And AVOID more of this delusion,
And AVOID acting in ways,
That make stuff worse for me,
In all sorts of ways,
Like accusing people of wrong-doing,
Who have,
ACTUALLY been there for me,
So yeah..,
I hope you understand,
And of course,
Accept,
This apology,

Yeah man,
No one is perfect,
I would say we’re all affected by experience(s),
And the best I can do,
Is keep an eye on my inner experience(s),
So bad delusional energy does NOT build in me then explode out onto the ones (like yourself) who have ACTUALLY been deeply supportive of me,
Oh how this isolation has been derailing me..,

And yeah,
We may still have experienced and may see stuff quite differently(?),
Yet I really appreciated that you’d come hang out with me,
And no there’s pretty much nobody who comes to accompany me,
..,
I have to go to them (or at least most of them because, yes, there are definitely some others who consciously acknowledge me..),
Before some may see me and feel sorry,
Unless they’re trying to act friendly so they can somehow (at my expense) try robbing me..,
Like that guy who said “you’re the coolest guy in the bar”,
And well,
Good thing I did NOT get into his car..,
(Because he offered to drive me to the bank because I asked him if I can Venmo him for cash for drinking because my PIN number was NOT working (for the ATM)..),
Anyway I talk more about that in a post titled “Inclusive Collective Improvement and NON-judgmental Intent”,
Yet regardless of that guy’s true intent,
Point is,
That I feel,
To me,
You always appeared to be,
FAR more trustworthy..,
And aside from that guy..,
And aside from all those people in my past who did stuff to me,
That (regardless of their actual intent) REALLY hurt me,
That my good autistic memory struggles to let go of and not get emotionally derailed by constantly,
Well,
I’m sorry,
That (largely because) of how I reacted due to what OTHERS have done to me,
I’m sorry,
For reacting unreasonably,
To ways you’d interact with me,

Because,
Truthfully,
UNLIKE them,
(Not to be hurtfully judgmental.. yet (as for this context) factual (in my belief)),
You’ve been good to me,

So of course,
I hope,
You accept my apology,
Because,
It’ll help me,
Tremendously,

And I know I struggle with forgiveness,
So if you do NOT want to forgive,
I understand..,
And well..,
As for what I wrote here,
Although there’s no guarantee,
Although (in my belief) there’s always that future uncertainty,
Well,
It’ll really help me,
If you accept my apology,
Since you’re someone who has been there for me

Does “learning the hard way”?
Really SUFFICIENTLY teach me the lessons I must learn?

Does “learning the hard way”?
Make me clear?
Or shut me down?
..,
And/or damage my confidence,
While keeping me shut down,
In painful,
Delusional,
Insecure,
FEAR?

Ohhh..,
Even if they say they do..,
Will they ever hear?
Will enough..,
Really,
Become..
Clear..?

Ohhhh,
I want to..,
Yet just,
Do NOT know..,

Ohhhhh

I can NOT tell if these computer algorithms,
Were made by those with world views,
That did NOT want to accept those similar to mine?
Or is it just my mind?

And of course the world does NOT “revolve around me”,
I’m mostly referring to,
Most forms of intelligence (human or not),
Just..,
(Essentially),
Not accepting me,

Yet is it just my mind?
Playing tricks on me?

Or as for my paranoid uncertainty,
Is there some truth to the reality?
Of other forms of intelligence,
As for whatever that could be,
That somehow,
Such as systemically,
Try to EXCLUDE viewpoints,
That express,
Ways I presently come to view,
Reality?

Well,
Guess there’s always that,
(As I often feel),

Uncertainty,

??

Well,

Just thought about,
Some thoughts about,
Another,
REAL,

Reality check..,

As they say (I think),
Whatever is “happening now”,
Well..,
Just seems to be happening,
Or NOT happening,
..,
And of course,
I’ll try to be..,
More..,
Accepting,

As for my reality,
Just had some thoughts,
Regarding,
Whatever is and/or is NOT,
Occurring