Maybe I can vent,
About,
The amount,
Of money,
People appear to make,
To spend time,
Creatively venting,
??

They may be making loads of money,
??
As they give off a type of energy,
Oh,
I hope for moral accountability,

I believe freedom of expression,
Is largely meant to give us the freedom,
To express,
Wisely,
Constructively,
Productively,
However is HELPFUL,
To all sentient beings,
Coexisting,
Interdependently,

..,

As of now I feel I’m freely emotionally venting,
Free of charge,
As of this moment,

Oh,
I feel,
There’s always going to be something else to vent about,
??

I think it is IMPERATIVE to take a look,
At the surrounding effects,
Of what we let out,
Such as,
What we’re,
Of course,

Venting about

If I want to be “smarter”,
Then how can I share a relatable social connection on the same page?

As for seeking support in lifting myself up,
I try to offer my hand,
Yet I feel many,
Overpower me,
As they pull me down to their level,
Without acknowledging,
The effects it has on me..,
Including them,
(Seemingly to me),

Regardless of,
And/or however pertaining to that,
Here’s another brief story:

The another night after asking a guy if he has “Venmo”..,
Since I have been struggling with my PIN number (as I tried explaining),
He first offered me a drink,
Then he tried to “bust my balls”,
Told me and his friend I looked like some ACTRESS,
I confronted him for “busting my balls”,
(Since they’ve been busted MORE than ENOUGH..),
He said “it’s a good thing”,
(Or something (?)),
Me, him and his friend chatted..,
..,
I then returned to sitting by myself,
He sat next to me,
Brought up “Harold & Kumar”,
I told him the sequel I remember,
Prequel I saw never,
Seemed stunned..,
Then added that he “thought” that I’m,
“The ‘coolest’ guy in the bar”,
Yet,
Regardless of whatever he meant,
He brought up driving me to the bank,
And I (as he seemed to know) just did NOT know what to trust,
Did NOT know what to think,
So I decided to,
CLEARLY,
Instinctively,
Just NOT try to attain any more cash to get from the atm in order to get more drinks..,
And eventually he went back to his seat,
Then left,
Then I eventually said “bye” to and thanked (who I remember as (if correct)) the owner,
..,
We expressed appreciation for once again seeing each other,
Then I,
While exiting,
Waved bye,
To another cool guy,
Who offered to buy me some drinks..,
(Even though I offered to try to get cash to pay him (to comply with their policy)),
And as I exited,
I was hyper-alert,
Then sprinted back to my mom’s house,

And I know I was NOT supposed to go there,
Yet after all this recurring isolation,
Social rejection,
I just decided to take a convenient,
Less exhausting,
social option,
That I saw as fit,
JUST for that moment,

Yet regardless,
After reading this,
I’m sure,
I will once again,
Have to endure,
Another lecture,

Well,
I just want to thank those,
Who welcome me,
In my home community,
Unlike those,
(including another bartender who refused to serve me even though he told me to essentially not take it personally.. I won’t get into that story.. Well I’ll just say briefly that I remember how it all went down and I just assumed that for no reason that other bartender did NOT like me.. (largely due to my assumptions about energy) yet the owner empathized with me, and there are many others (including bartenders) that have made me feel welcome in my home community.. and I really HOPE no one takes what I say the wrong way.. yet I just felt a need to share this..),

ANYWAY,

To say it AGAIN,

I hope no one nor whoever else takes that the wrong way,
Yet I feel MANY just may,
And well..,
As for what I was initially starting to say:

Instead of conformingly dumbing ourselves down,
How about we lift ourselves up?
How about we include those we look down on,
And see,
About what we can do,
To get them to,
Help us even more in the way we need them (meaning others) to??

Well,
Since I believe,
I can NOT control what others do,
Well,
I..,
Just thought,

I’d share,
Some more thoughts,
feelings and whatever,
For anyone,
That may,
Want to,
Be there,

With care,

For,
Anyone who will FEEL me,
As I try to FEEL them EMOTIONALLY,
Spiritually,
Or however we BUILD a deeper and clearer understanding,
With and whatever that may be,

??

Just thought I’d try to NON-JUDGMENTALLY,
Share,
Some stuff I felt a need for others to hear,

REGARDLESS,
That in my belief,
There IS always more to share,
Always more to say,
Such as examples,
And/or conclusions,
That may be expressed,
In a CLEARER,
And however more CLEAR,

Way(s)

??

Although they’re NOT my therapist,
I’d appreciate it if they’d ask for my permission before giving me advice,
And I wish,
I felt they’d more DEEPLY consider,
If what they feel I need to hear will truly help,
INSTEAD of damage,
And/Or do nothing..,
And/Or whatever and however..,

Although they’re NOT my therapist,
I wish they’d,
Understand why,
I struggle to understand,
And struggle to,
Just f*cking do it,
Or,
As I sometimes say,
whatever is a better way,
To put it..,

Although they’re NOT my therapist,
I feel,
They do NOT need to make me feel worse by excusing how their words hurt me by saying or exclaiming,
“I’M NOT YOUR THERAPIST!!”

Although they’re NOT my therapist,
I often feel,
They can still help me,
By empathizing,
With the pain I feel due to trying,
Instead of criticizing,
And telling me what I need to do,
That I’m already and have been constantly,
Struggling to do and (I guess) continue,
Huhhh,
??

Although they’re NOT my therapist,
I feel,
They can try,
To understand,
Why I see and act differently,
And maybe,
Just maybe,
More understanding will help us function,
More effectively?

Although they’re NOT my therapist,
I believe,
We can share empathy,
And maybe,
Just maybe,
Coexist,
More compassionately,
??

Although they’re NOT my therapist,
Or,
Although we’re not each other’s therapist,
I feel,
We can look deeper,
To discover,
Greater ways of being kinder towards one another,
So we,
May not need as much (or too much(?)) therapy,
And that we,
Essentially,
May more likely,
Feel and function better,
Ongoingly,
??

Although they’re NOT my therapist,
I feel,
They can still feel me,
They can,
Empathize,
Instead of hurtfully criticizing,
..,
And I hope that being kinder,
May ALSO for them,
Help them,
Feel less pain inwardly,

Although they’re NOT my therapist,
I’m not sure if it’s too much to ask for (?),
If,
They can just listen,
And just,
Be there,

Although they’re NOT my therapist,
To be real,
I’d say I often feel,
That,
They (meaning many others) can sufficiently,
Empathetically,
Understand,
And I feel I can and WILL (if I have NOT already) reciprocate,
And hopefully we can and/or further create,
(As a friend who was not my therapist essentially told me),
“Bridges of understanding”,
(To paraphrase or not (I do NOT exactly know..(?))),
No matter how similar or different we are,

Although they’re NOT my therapist,
I feel,
We can connect deeper and deeper,
We can learn,
To deeply,
Understand each other,
To work together,
Even better,
That’s what I’d guess,
Regardless if someone is or is NOT my therapist,

??

And yes,
I guess,
As I often imply and/or say (?),
Since the reality just to me,
appears to be,
A certain way,

I just,
Feel my must,
In what I see fit in my most suitable way,
Keep going,
Through another present,
Of,
Another,
Day

If done correctly,
I would say (in my belief),
That processing,
Is supposed to help us inwardly discover,
Inner strength building,
Such as bad energy clearing,
Instead of causing us to start,
“making a big deal about everything”,

If there’s more processing,
I’d say there would more likely be,
Consciousness expanding,
And awareness of whatever we are doing,
Such as how we are affecting others..,
(And especially (and therefore) ourselves),
..,
And instead of being unconsciously corrupted,
Our processing (hopefully) may show us,
What it is,
We’re doing,
How we can be improving,
Capabilities we can be utilizing,
Yes,
I hope it’s reasonably clear,
What I’m attempting at expressing..,

Just saying,
(To repeat, remember and/or empathize),
That I believe,
Taking an inner,
Sensitive look,
Is not supposed to “derail”,
Yet help us,
In whatever way(s) to whatever extent(s),
PREVAIL,

Even though I feel I obsessively explain in detail,
Well,
I just hope,
That anyone reading understands..,

..,

And similar to what I said in my (as of now) most recent post titled “Living in the Past”,
Well:

People may tell me,
That I can’t move forward,
If I,
“Live in the past”,
And well (in my belief),
If I don’t take a look at what happened,
Then how will I learn my lesson?

(Not saying there’s one way to learn, (nor saying anyone was saying or assuming anything.,)),

Yet as for this context,
What (I often feel) went wrong in my past,
And how do I improve it..,
Is crucial,
To,
Take a look at,

Yes,
I get it,
I do NOT want insecure pain (from getting bullied (for example)) derailing me and making me..,
Irreparably insane,

So..,
Yes,
Sometimes it is painful revisiting my past,
And yet,
Since I choose to write about it,
I try asking myself:

What can I learn from it?
What can I document from it?
What can I share,
That’ll help prevent it from recurring,
How do I prepare myself,
And stay strong in it,
If to whatever extent(s) in whatever old and/or new forms,
I happen to relive any of it,

??

Yes,
I’d guess..,
Many may still dismiss what I’m saying,
Yet,
As for moving forward and doing what I want to,
At least one of those things,
(Regardless if others acknowledge it or not),
Is,

Writing

Sometimes it just really hurts me,
When someone appears to be empathizing with me,
Then out of nowhere,
Criticizes,
Advises..,
And just,
Turns against me,
And I’m like in my mind asking myself,
“Were they ever there for me when I thought they were?”,
“Did they relate to me how I thought they did?”,
Did they just lose patience with me?
And/Or were they,
Always inwardly hurtfully judging me,
And were just hiding it superbly?
..,
And whenever someone does appear to empathize with me,
I’m like,
“Are they really feeling me the way it appears to be?”,
I wish I felt a bit more certainty..,

…

Yet,
As for what I feel to be many,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
As if it’s that easy,

They’ll tell me (or imply) to stop “living in the past”,
Without knowing nor experiencing,
How my past has affected me,
And how stuff,
Just so easily,
Painfully,
Sticks with me,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
Instead of acknowledging how hard I tried,
And how far I came,
And what I overcame,
In my past,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
Instead of empathizing with all my ability,
To get past,
My painful past,
..,
And the empathy,
I would guess could be something that may also help me,
Clear and/or heal my inner past pain,
Due to the healing energy of someone being there for me..,
Yet,
Unsolicited,
Uncompassionate advice,
(Even with ZERO signs of emergency (from me)),
Is what I feel many give me,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
Instead of joining me in an effort to let it go,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
Then they’ll give me unasked for criticism,
Without showing me how,
Without joining me in my efforts,
Without..
being nearly as nice,
As I been to them,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
Without acknowledging,
That what I feel is worth sharing in writing,
Entails revisiting my past,
And sharing understanding,
That I intend,
To be helpful,

They’ll tell me to stop “living in the past”,
Because I “can’t improve myself if I do”,
Yet,
I learn how to keep moving forward,
From trying to do stuff differently,
Like,
Take people and their meanness towards me,
Less personally,
And instead realize that they’re,
Just trying to help me,
Such as by saying,
“You can’t move forward if you ‘live in the past’”,

Yet although I agree,
Too often I feel,
That they’re shaming me for something I’m struggling to do,
Instead of empathizing with my frustration with failing to let go,
Of my past,

So,
(To further emphasize..),
Even though some might be trying to help me,
Still,
It often feels,
They’re adding criticism,
Instead of empathizing with how easily stuff sticks with me due to my hyper-emotional reactivity in combination with learning disabilities all making me an easy target,
Etc, etc, etc..,
And due to my good memory,
Sometimes my past just sticks with me,

And maybe sometimes,
Instead of trying to help me,
They’ll want to try to compensate for their insecurity by shaming me for failing to do what is hard for me,
And I just wish their actual intentions were more clear to me,

And I wish it was that easy,
And (assuming they have hurtful intent) I wish they did NOT displace their anger,
Or whatever bad feelings onto me,
To feel better that (in my belief) only lasts briefly,
Because it does NOT get to the source,

And I’ll take a step in a good direction,
And maybe because others were too hard on them,
They’ll be hard on me,
Instead of breaking the cycle..,

Instead of trying to help and learn how to feel better inwardly,
And therefore act nice,
Many seem to just perpetuate,
Hurtful,
Mean,
Uncaring,
Unasked for,
Advice,

And if I try to tell them this,
I feel they’ll dismissively take it the wrong way,
And they’ll respond with cruel energy,
That’ll make it harder for ourselves to make it through the day,
Since the bad energy,
May limit and harm us (?),
While we’re trying to stay strong,
And continue,
In whatever way,

Huhhh,

I know it’s not easy,
I do NOT mean to be hard on them for being hard on me..,

It’s just hard,
Having to get used to people,
Treating me (in my belief) so much harder than necessary,

And I feel it’s been hard,
Feeling there’s so many assholes,
Who will NOT empathize,
And still will NOT when I’m in those dark emotional holes,
And that their hurtful angry advice,
Will,
(Instead of feeling supportive),
Will make me feel to be sinking even deeper,
And darker,
Into hopeless negativity,
And painful obsessive isolating insecurity..,

Well,

Guess it goes back to my inner warrior,
Spirit,
Or however one may put it..,

AHHHHHHH,

I know I can stick with it!!
I will NOT get derailed,
By people and their bullshit!

AHHHHHHH,

I’ll keep at it!!

As I’ve tried to make CLEAR,
I intend,
Terms and writing,
To NOT imply one meaning,

If I use the term “warrior”,
I’m (most probably) NOT implying violence,
It’s really,
To just,
Re-access my inner interconnected spirit,
To,
Keep going,

For me,
“Self-esteem”,
Has brought up a lot of pressure to achieve,
Which I felt has contributed to insecurity,
Which I feel still limits me,

Which is why I prefer,
The term,
“Warrior”,

However,
Since these are just terms,
My relationship to them,
May change,

For worse,
Yet,
Maybe,
Just maybe,

For the better

??

For too long,
I’ve turned to non-practical,
Non-survival,
Non-work related goals,

Many (especially) non-jugglers seemed to positively respond to me juggling,
Yet I feel many,
(Regardless if they appreciate my juggling to whatever degree(s) or not),
Have NOT seemed to regard my writing,
Have NOT seemed to notice all the pain filming those Youtube videos in social isolation,
After social rejection,
Gave me,

And the inner pain,
I feel,
Definitely (variously) negatively effected,
My capabilities,
And/or,
Present abilities,

Oh..,
Sports,
Hobbies,
Juggling,
As of now,
For me,
Hopefully remains as history,

I feel that even though it may REMAIN very hard for me,
Yet,
I just,
Can NOT keep letting what others think,
Control me,

I feel,
I have to remember the warrior in me,
I feel I have to remind myself repeatedly,
To,
Do what seems to be true within me,
And I feel that’ll,
(Regardless of what actually happens),
MOST LIKELY,
Help me excel,
Profoundly,

Instead of being driven by my built up insecurity,
Resulting,
(As I believe),
From being affected by whatever that surrounded(s) me..,
Such as toxic unconscious social energy,
..,
Instead of trying to obsessively impress others,
And instead of OBSESSIVELY trying to have them positively view me,

Well,
The more I do,
What is most true,
And seemingly most helpful,

I would say,
In whatever ways,
May most likely,
Be most,

Beneficial

??

I know what they did,
Was NOT as bad as it could have been,

Yet,
I was then,
Just less fit,

I just,
Did NOT yet know how to respond to it,
Did NOT yet know how to inwardly,
Clear it,

I was just,
And still,
Pretty much am,

Less fit,

Yet,

Regardless of infinite detailed specifics,
Unconscious bullying damaged pricks,

I guess I’m..,
Not sure there’s that much more to it,

I just,
Feel I once again must,
Try to,
Rediscover,
My inner,

Warrior,

AHHHHHHHHHH

I often feel that I feel:

There’s always something wrong I’m doing,
Always something wrong with how I’m talking,
Walking,
Lifting,
Reading,
Writing,
Posting,
Swinging,
Fielding a ground ball,
Catching and throwing a football,
Dribbling and shooting a basketball,
Taking a hit or a fall,
Oh,
You can name them all,

I not allowed,
To listen to this artist,
I’m not allowed to say this and that,
Whatever the exclusive terms of endearment,

And I’m not allowed to post,
I’m not allowed to,
KEEP IT REAL,
Because,
There always seems to be something,

Just so,
So wrong,

With how I feel

I try so,
So hard,
To make others understand,

And I often feel,
Many just,
Do NOT ever seem,
To understand,
Such as,
Why I,
Do NOT understand,

And I often feel,
We just,
Never understand,

And I often feel if we could,
Oh that may just be so,
So good,

Oh,
If we could, If we would,
Just,
Better understand