Whatever mean judgments people emanate,
According to me,
Is NOT what they really mean,
Whether they know it or not..

I’ll still do themselves a favor and keep my autistic mouth shut,
On for posting less..
maybe not..

??

Whether they know it or not,
I have my atypical struggles,
They have theirs,

We share this planet,
And our egos can prevent us from realizing it,
Or forgetting it,
By getting emotional about bullshit,

Or not..

??

I’m so non-nuanced I don’t even know if the subtly details say I used that title correctly..

I think too much and judge others as thinking too less..

Is this impulsive and non-nuanced?

I guess..

??

I hear a woman politely responding “happy new year”,
To the other well-adjusted customers,
Then..
As I leave I say “happy new year!”
And she overtly,
In front of everybody,
ignores me..,

And last night,
At a New Years social function,
Surrounded by around 100 others..,
I also remained by myself,
Which wasn’t a surprise..
Due to coming across the way I do,
As someone mildly-autistic,
With brutal emotional sensitivity,
That was exacerbated by others,
Which built up WORSE insecurity,
You can guess the story..

Thanks to how others treat me..
A big part of me,
Doesn’t care,
If all the careless,
Misguided,
Apathetic and insecure assholes destroy the planet..

Yet it’s unfortunate,
That they’re bringing me down with them,
Even though they don’t like me,
And I therefore struggle having compassion for them..,

(And I know I’m judging them in response to them judging me..
And even though it was obvious,
Just thought I’d try to respectfully acknowledge this..)

Yet..
It is what it PRESENTLY is,
Such as..
what I’m presently carrying in my past,
Including despair I have for my own,
And the planet’s future..

If I’m wrong..
Then great!!

But what a big part of me,
Continues to hate..
Is that,
With the ubiquitous fossil fuel industry,
Why would “97 percent of climate scientists..” who have CONCLUDED that climate change is PRIMARILY a MAN MADE PROBLEM.. ACCORDING TO MULTIPLE STUDIES, ACCORDING TO NASA..,
(As you can research on Google or Safari.. here’s one link anyway: https://climate.nasa.gov/scientific-consensus.amp),
Are “bribed” by the invisible “trillion dollar” renewable energy company which I still don’t see even though it’s a “trillion dollar industry”..

Sure it could be a “trillion dollar industry”.. but what’s FAR MORE POWERFUL?? SERIOUSLY??

Instead of 3 percent of climate scientists being bribed by the freaking WAY MORE POWERFUL AND EVERYDAY fossil fuel industry..

Yeah I get it,
Making changes isn’t easy,
And can FRIGHTENING..

And it’s easier to conveniently deny the reality,
Although we still KNOW,
Time catches up EVENTUALLY..,

And I for sure have allowed my obsessive insecurity,
To..
Prevent me,
From sufficiently consistently,
Joining efforts to,
Save life and civilization on Earth..

And welp..
No matter how deep we understand micro and macro issues..

At least..
As for us tragically,
Not working towards accessing and discovering more and more of our infinitely infinite conscious and/or as needed thinking ability..
Well,

I guess it’ll be over eventually..

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!

Do I have to be rational all the time,
Can I be emotional part of the time,
Like the VIPs..
“Very Influential Prick(s)”,
Yeah..
I don’t always like it,
And why criticize me if you won’t sincerely join me in my vision to fix it?
Yeah..
Admitting it isn’t helping it..
I know you get it..

Happy 2022 again..

Welp..

Still here..

While loading carts on New Year’s Eve,

After most customers aren’t sincerely responding “happy new year” if responding at all..

After gently tossing a bag of GARDEN VEGGIE STRAWS, 

into the cart,

The insecure unhappy woman exclaims..“Are you kidding me!??”,

Then says,

“CHILL OUT!!”,

Unhinged.. 

seemingly to me.. 

Then I say,

“I think you should chill out”,

Then she’s like,

“Really Zach!!?”

Then walks up to my face,

Then wins her power trip, 

due to my hypersensitivity, 

and learning disability,

So I also helped her insatiable ego have a temporary high (or not..), 

by being someone to bully..

Then.. 

I went to get her another item as a replacement,

Came back,

Then she said “shouldn’t there be two?”

Then I rushed back,

Then she insincerely said “thank you”,

And I got lucky,

Because of the possibility,

Of her bullying me,

Could have become..

I would’ve got sent to an institution of daily bullying..

Yes..

It is what it TRAGICALLY is..

Just research..

Just..

Freakin people working the register aggressively joke with me..

Like saying,

“I’m going to beat you up”,

And..

“Are you trying to kill me!!?”

And..

Huhh..

Happy new year man..

At least we still haven’t blown it,

Regardless of the capability we don’t have the confidence to utilize..

At least we’re still here..

At least..

F*ck it..

I’ll just post this..

Thanks for reading,

Happy new year,

Glad we’re still here

If I’m weak they step on me,
If I excel they’re jealous of me,

If I don’t talk they make fun of me,
If I say the wrong thing,
they use it against me,

If I say the right thing,
They shittalk me,

With all the shittalking,
When I’m not around,
They MUST be saying something bashful..

Instead of hopeful,
They make me so despairing..
They..
Suck me into their ego power trip comparing..

When I show autistic characteristics,
They respond like freakin pricks,

When I show signs of more typical behavior,
They think I was “faking it”,
Or they think it was a “misdiagnosis”,
Because as for overcoming it,
Sticking with it,
Regarding the WAY I have and CONTINUE to do it,
They can’t emphasize with it,
Because,
Aside from whatever hardship they had,
They haven’t sailed through the same storms,
Which..

I HAVE

Instead of people stopping making me MORE upset by being mean to me,
I’m told to take medication,
Since I can’t always handle their bad energy..

Thanks a lot for helping me..

Instead of helping me build better energy,
People make it harder on me,
And only act kinder after I found inner sufficient clarity,
Instead of helping me,

They’ll give me advice,
Say I should “just do it”,
Without offering any understanding..

I just can’t stand it

I’m on my break,
And the bad spirit others give me,
Still doesn’t sufficiently give me a break..

“For f*cking sake”..
As they say,

GIVE ME A BREAK

Today a woman asks me,
and my coworker,
to get paper towels,
Wrapped in plastic on the third story shelf,
Instead of settling for,
The “Bounty” paper towels,
on the floor..
Instead of just coming back to the store tomorrow..
Since she wanted that particular brand that bad,
And if she was less particular,
If her expectations weren’t as high,
She’d be able to accept more,
And feel better..,

But instead..
while we’re trying to HELP her,
And while suggesting that she,
take one of the other brands,
That were,
Neatly,
clearly organized on the floor,

While also saying we can’t just get a forklift,
amid,
all the other shoppers..
Because driving a forklift could endanger or make it harder for the other angry customers,
And it would have defeated the purpose of having anything on the floor in the first place..,
Then others as unaware as her may start making dangerous foolish requests..,

So..
since she could not understand the obvious circumstances,
As for why we couldn’t get her the paper towels,
And regardless of my coworker,
I myself,
don’t drive a forklift..
Yet anyone who does can’t bring down a whole pallet on an upper level,
Just to get a set of paper towels,
So even with the other paper towels,
Which were equally viable,
She still refused to settle,
And hence..
Once again..
It defeats the freakin purpose of having them on the ground!!

And aside from all my other internal unsettled pain,
In her vain,
While trying to HELP her and suggest to her,
to take other paper towels,
She said,
“You guys work here and don’t help anyone”,
And I essentially said how she’s completely wrong,
by saying what she said is “like not true at all”,

And since she added more pain to my hypersensitivity,
And on top of my neurological “executive functioning” atypical adversity,
I couldn’t think clearly,
So I couldn’t answer on the spot and prove to her how wrong she was..

And then she finally settled for other paper towels in reach,
Which I was STILL going to help her get,
And I did get one down for her,
After her teenage daughter got one for her as I was distracted by her criticism.., because of course..
I’m hypersensitive,
with autism..

But as for how WRONG she is,
Aside from all else that I inwardly struggle with,
STILL..,
I LITERALLY been getting so,
SO much better,
at answering questions,
Controlling my inner hypersensitive painful emotional reactions,
I’ve walked people to find items,
like mayonnaise, cucumbers, juice, blueberries, detergent, tangerines, chocolate, ramen, aluminum,..
And people have been THANKING me,
Even when they ask for something that’s out of stock,
Even when I find someone else to help them,
So essentially..

I WORK THERE YET ALSO HELP PEOPLE,

Unfortunately,
Due to not having confidence in me,
to cultivate inner peace, and/or healing energy,
consistently..
I let her meanness fill me,
Since I’m (as I hyper-obsessively say) hypersensitive,
Since I NEED this job,
So.. with all our unaccessed and undiscovered capability,
That’s needed in this time of pandemic especially..,
We just..
Lack the confidence,
To PRACTICE,
How to clear excessive inner pain,
To carry less pain,
And save more room,
For utilizing,
For leveraging,
meaningful experience that we COULD be presently experiencing..,

It’s the same shit repeatedly..
Yet continues to harm me,

All I can control is myself,
Yet..,
They’re just making it harder for me..
And like I said in my last post,
Instead of there being just one other dickhead,
I was still implying,
Even aside from all the kindness I also receive because my I DO HELP PEOPLE there,
Like a coworker said to me that he’s glad I’m here,
STILL..,
There’s TOO MUCH assholes,
That instead of lifting me up,
Use their awareness against me,
By digging me down,
Into a deeper hole,
And burying me in it..

As for today and this post,
As for all the unconscious meanness,
It’s the same shit..
Yet there’s just..
More and more of it..

If I could just change my mood instantly, I would obviously,
But I struggle at taking steps,
To not let meanness from others,
Make what’s already hard,
Make all of what I’m carrying,

So much damn harder for me,

I wish I wasn’t as tempted to somewhat lift my mood up in ways TOXIC for me,
Even if the energy drinks are sugar free..,

And yes,
Although it could be WAY WAY WORSE,
I still often wish to WAY WAY BETTER,
WAY WAY MORE

I just have to keep reminding myself,
That I can only control my part,
Even if what’s all around me falls apart,

At least..
I know,
I’m trying my best,
To do my best,
Part

No words can heal feelings,

Because they’re words,

Not feelings,

When will I reach pleasure,

With a belief,

That nothing lasts forever?

Just hope the struggle keeps becoming,

Not easier,

But,

More tolerable

Another day,
Another dickhead,
Another bullshit instance,
That gets me more painfully in my feelings and head,

Another day,
Another dickhead,
Another implied social rejection,
Deeper depression,
Same shit,
Another dickhead that deliberately makes me look like an idiot,

Another day,
Another dickhead,
Although it’s not the Jurassic,
The same bullshit is painfully classic,

Another day,
Another dickhead,
Another thing I shouldn’t have said..

Another day,
Another dickhead,
More of the same bullshit I already,
Constantly..
Repeated