I guess the LESS I successfully sustain attention,
The MORE I cause frustration,
Increasing the chances of social rejection,
Increasing the chances of being more alone within my thoughts,
Increasing the chances of solidifying judgments of others who I know less and less..,
?

Increasing the chances of becoming more socially UNaware,
Increasing the chances of giving off more emotionally dysregulated “vibes”..,

Increasing the chances of feeling a need to “get back”,
Increasing the chances of acting on those thoughts,
Increasing the chances of receiving more pain,
Stigmatized labels and more punishment than ever..,

And of course,
My increasingly (internally and externally) isolated increasing narcissistic victim mentality may NEVER expect others to understand,

Yet maybe that insatiable ego force (within me) insatiably seeks attention,
Including infinitely (unconsciously) narcissistically analyzing narcissism,

?

And maybe the level of narcissism in me just tried analyzing narcissism right now ?

I don’t “know”..(?),
Or “do I”..?

And well,
I feel that,
Oh yes,
It’s NOT just me,
Who has some level of narcissism within,
And who really is “free of narcissism” completely..(?),

Yet,
I feel that BALANCE,
Once again,
May HELP..?

Inhale,
Exhale,

Ahhhhhhhhhh

Not sure who and how will take what I say
The wrong way
So once again
I will try NOT to say
What I just may feel a need to say

Oh great,
How did I once again fail to communicate..?

Who else is going to misinterpret..?
Who else wants to “beat” my “ass”?

What else am I “NOT allowed to say!!”?
What else!!?

May I spot it,
More and more often,
When others try to take my freedom of speech away

Many people may say,
“Be honest”,
And then they’ll say,
“You’re an ass”,

Many people may say,
“Be yourself”,
And then they’ll say,
“Stop embarrassing yourself”,

Many people may say,
“Write truthfully”,
And then they’ll ask aggressively,
“Are you referring to me!?”
(Or “us!?”..),

Many people may say,
“You can tell me anything”,
And then they’ll say,
“No one cares”,

Welp..
So much for their “help”..,

And then,
When they have lost all energy,

I’ll return to my mom,
Among whichever few,
Who’s always there for me,

Yeah I know..,
I struggle to be independent evidently..,
And of course,
Most others may once again view me as “lazy”..,

Huhhh,
I am glad,
That those like my mom,
Have more strength for LONGER empathy

So what does occur behind closed-doors of “assisted” treatment..(?),
Assistance with FORCED treatment..(?),
How are chemicals being played with..?
Hmmmm..,
I wonder..?

Thank you mom for being there for me,
..,
Thank you for knowing who to contact,
In order to keep me safe from another stigmatized label,
As a result of me hitting a breaking point,
After others (once again) were getting pissed at me failing to inner peacefully socially balance along with my awkward place in the group,

Mom,
Thank you for NOT becoming empathetically fatigued as easily,
Thank you for spotting when stuff was TRULY an emergency,
Thank you for having the strength to support me emotionally as well as financially,
(Among others..),

I want to thank those who knew how to balance my needs,
INSTEAD of summing it by saying (however implicitly and/or explicitly),
“Oh he’s chemically imbalanced don’t invite him”,

I want to thank those who knew what truly was a “red flag”,
I want to thank those who KNEW how to keep me safe from what’ve made stuff worse,

Thank you mom,
For keeping well,
In order to NOT make stuff worse,

Happy Mother’s Day,
Thank you for helping me through another day

Mom thanks again,
And even though you’re not on this platform,
Once again,
I additionally want to share,
How thankful I feel to be,
For you strongly,
Patiently and truly compassionately,
helping me through each day,
To this day,

Although many others may be faster,
Although many others for whichever valid personal reasons may be elsewhere,
Thank you for being here,
And thank you for being among the few,
Who will show up,
And keep sticking with me,
Even when I constantly mess up..,

Yup,

Some may feel I “need” another mean-spirited lecture,

Unlike several interpretations I’ve felt to have of others,
Unlike how I have felt many others just may have additionally impacted me emotionally,
Including (what I feel as) additional emotional internal weighing effects of being hard on myself constantly,

I’m grateful,
For what I often feel to consider as,
Your more peaceful energy,
That I feel has and continues to tremendously help me through what I felt as painful obstacles,

Maybe most of society may prefer me to shut up on heavy and heavier medication..(?),
Of course I may kill the vibe at the next social function..(?),
And then of course I may often fail to sufficiently fulfill various suggestions..(?),

Yet,
No matter how often I’d eradicate the peaceful vibe,
Thank you mom,
For staying incredibly strong,
By remaining peaceful,
In addition to all else you may(?) have emotionally been carrying inside,

Thank you mom,
For sustaining the energy,
For offering,
And continuing to offer,
What I often feel to see,
As real,
Empathy,
To a profoundly developed degree,

Happy Mother’s Day,
May it feel easier along the way,
Thanks as always for helping me survive another day,

Love you

If I owe anyone an apology,
it’s my mom (and dad, among the rest who truly look after me),

As for what tomorrow is,
I feel a need to say:

My mom was and REMAINS truly there for me,

Others have the right to see it differently,

Yet this is just an emotional perception I feel inevitably passing through me presently,

So I apologize for “offending” anybody,

And well,
As for tomorrow,
Happy Mother’s Day

Even if stuff I just may say,
May however often come across the wrong way..(?),
Once again,
May you have a good day today,
And as for tomorrow,
Happy Mother’s Day

I do NOT like always feeling excluded,

I do NOT like have certain words rubbed in face every day that I’m “NOT allowed to say”,

I just do NOT like feeling continually excluded,
That’s all..,

I do NOT like feeling judged for my physical appearance,
I do NOT like feeling blamed for what people who looked like me did long before I was born,

And well,
May others NOT utilize my worst moments,
Because I do NOT do it to them,

I just want to feel the kindness I give in return

“Crunch I had it for brunch”,
What the fuck does that even mean..(?),

God damn,

What else must I “cite”,
What else am I “NOT allowed to say”,

May FREEDOM OF SPEECH carry on another day,

Here, here’s my fucking creative citation:
(Source: Song: “Munch”, Artist: “Ice Spice”, Release date: Sometime in 2023.. (YouTube).. URL: https://youtu.be/yF-NC3eRsqc, dammit..),

Yep..,
NOT like the quiet socially excluded loner is (always) “most successful”..,

And I know this is my “beer muscles” talking..(?),
Yet..,

Going to that “SUNY” school..,
Still..,
Overall,
Has NOT felt compatible,

To be real,
I do NOT like feeling excluded,

I do NOT like “NOT being allowed to say”,
Certain socially inclusive endearment terms,
That have been,
Rubbed in my face (like) EVERY DAY..,

What else am I EXCLUDED from!!!!?

What else!!!!!?

What else!!?

What else do YOU want to judge me for based on my “physical appearance”..,

Ohhhh man..,

I feel,
It’s just NOT cool..