Hey,
Even though I can NOT speak for you,
..,
I just been painfully assuming what you just may have been feeling in your final moments,
After being by yourself in the mini-van,
After the car sliding door tragically came open..,
While (as I’ve heard) a restaurant almost saw you hit by two previous cars..,
Who also assisted my family to help find you for hours and hours (if I understand correctly..),

Huhh..,

Just thought I’d express that I feel that:

I’m sorry you spent your last moments,
Scared and alone,
In a land far away and deeply unknown,

I’m sorry you heard mom’s voice calling your name while feeling lost,
Frightened and in pain,
..,
My sad ego is just looking for someone to blame..,

I’m sorry you heard her but could not slow down the fear to clearly find her,
I’m sorry you just happened to frantically dash out in front of a car,

Huhh..,

I was always used to your loving energy every day,
And it kills me,
That your body has been (I guess) cremated with other roadkill..,
That the form you were once in is now completely nonexistent..,

Ohh how this was so tragically unexpected..,

AHHHHHH!!

There’s just no one to blame,
And even if so,
How will that really help me feel more peace and love again!?

And even if the hate that remains on this planet you left will continue forever,
At least you got to go on an adventure,
..,
And see the ocean for the very first time on whichever beach shore North Carolina’s “Outer Banks” had to offer..,
And well,
Speaking for myself as well,
There’s always some risk factor,

And although I believe in doing our very best to stay safe from danger,
Well,
I also need adventure,

And tragically that small risky possibility just came to devastate me so deeply,
Ohh how I miss you so painfully,

Yet I believe,
Even though the physical life energy form you once manifested as is now gone,
Even if ever all life on this planet is ever completely gone,
Our inseparable spirit,
Will always,
Always continue on,

Our spirit lives on

Happy birthday man..,
And even though this time is hard for us,
Even though grief may affect us all differently regardless whatever is the “average” grieving period expectancy..,
Welp..,
Guess there’s always another “average” estimate that can be “supported” and/or “disproven” infinitely magnificently analytically..(?),

Yet well,
We’re together,

Kobe is with us forever

Hey man even though today is your 28th birthday,
No doubt I wish you a happy birthday,
And even though we’re grieving another devastating loss now..,
Shit..,
I’ll never forget the little dog and all his unconditional loveable fun energy..,

You and him were there for me ever so deeply,
And even though you were my step-brother and nursery school acquaintance way previously,
Well,
You and our guy Kobe became true family,

And always will be,
Infinitely Inseparably

Even though if I may get a literary mental “high” by trying to word fancy sounding insights that I may never take seriously,
And/or fail at proceeding down “perfectly” NOR sufficiently “consistently”,
..,
Even if I flow gently down an emotional stream,
And/or go from one extreme to the other such as using medication to construct a Dam to block out as much building emotion(s) as I can that just may catastrophically burst one day..?

Well,
Maybe you can still follow the (I guess..?) messages I attempt to share FAR more properly than me and my damaged capability..?

No.. I did NOT mean “damaged” literally..,
It’s MOSTLY a hypothetical of negative feelings that I feel just may inevitably pass through all of us to our own personal uniquely varying frequencies..?
And THEREFORE I feel we DO have the ability to find peace with those painful toxic thoughts (and/or feelings) so their inner toxic energy does NOT inhibit our true capability nearly as severely..(?),

And well,
Not to keep “crying wolf”,
Yet..,
I miss my dog,
Who for me,
Was more than a “pet dog” to me,
..,
And even though he may “never have been able” to develop an average human academic ability NOR as “brilliantly” solve seemingly impossible mathematical and/or metaphysical equations or whatever the fuck..,

WELL..,
(And NOT to excessively speak for him..),
YET I feel that..,
His mostly seemingly happy peaceful inclusive inviting energy,
Which I feel came so much MORE naturally..,
Has helped me so tremendously,

And I feel so grateful for those associated with the animal shelter,
For saving him among the “excess” that were going to be drowned and/or however killed otherwise..,

And well,
(Even though I can NOT speak for others..),
I’d also guess that those Pennsylvania Amish Puppy Mill breeders were also just struggling through the day in their best known way which I just may never ever know..(?),
And well,
Because of their work as well,
INCLUDING those of the shelter who did NOT give up on finding a home for a dog like you,
For you to spend like 7.5 years in a home,
Surrounded by so many who will always love you,
And view you as MORE than “EXCESS”..,
..,
Well,
Just the energy you’d give off,
Has helped me so deeply,
Make it through the hard times (such as examples I’ve struggled to clearly mention on this WordPress blog constantly),

Which I why,
I am also,
Missing you constantly,

Ahhhhhh!!

I wish that sentient physical form you once manifested in comes back to me,
I wish that you would come back,

And even if any haters may accuse me of “capitalizing on your death to ‘promote’ my writing career”..,
Well..,
They are freely entitled to believing their nasty judgments..,
YET..,
May we NOT forget,
That well,
I wanted to just share,
And attempt to make CLEAR,
Just the beautiful being you were and ARE..,

I feel that:

You were more than “just a dog”,
You were and ARE more than a “pet”,
You were MORE than “excess”,
You were and ARE a beautiful form,
Of deeply inseparable consciousness

Because we have LESS power,
Because we have MORE self-control..,
And/or because WE are so much EASIER to be around,
..,
It is especially UNfair to US,
When THOSE WHO HAVE DIRECT POWER OVER US have LESS kind and peaceful emotional self-control than US!!

And I miss my dog,
And in his HONOR,
I WILL,
Report anyone to wherever,
IF they want to direct their miserable aggressive temper tantrum at me..,

And since I’m an easy autistic anxious and awkward target,
Ohh yes..,
They’ll be ready to blast their energy at me,
And I WILL be ready,
To as civilly as possible,
Hold them ACCOUNTABLE,

And to honor my dog,
It’s time I BLAST OUT OF MY SHELL,

And STAND,
For what I see as RIGHT,

And even if I’m STANDING in what happens to be a total MISUNDERSTANDING..,
Still..,
STILL..,

Since my dog is gone,
For him,
I must STAND STRONG

Even though I was NOT there at the time,
Even though everyone you were with loved and always looked after you,
Even though you were by yourself in the car of the restaurant parking lot,
Just may while climbing up to look out the automatic sliding door window to spot your loved ones..,
Just happened to press the automatic sliding door opening button..(?),
Yes.., even if you’re “just a dog” I still can NOT speak for you..,
I wasn’t there evidently..,

Huhh..,

Even though that sliding door came open..,
Understandably opening your courageous adventurous spirit to explore the Outer Banks..,
And/or find my mom..,

Even though a restaurant worker said you almost got hit by two cars..,

Even though the man who subsequently hit you was sober,
Coming home from a hard day’s work..,
..,
Even though he felt terrible,
As well as the police at the scene were,

Even though (as I’ve heard) having your little green vest returned to us was just too hard,
And even though I’ve worried about you running off on your own and something like this happening,
..,
Including WORRYING about seeing the subsequent memorial video,
such as seeing the picture of you sitting above the car speakers and to the right of the dashboard below the front view window,

A picture,
From years ago on a nice colorful day,
..,
Shit..,
The fact that some of my deepest fears came true,
The fact that even this is NOT some nightmare,
The fact that I’m awake and no longer with you..,

Huhh..,

I just..,
I don’t know..?

I just will keep missing you

No other dog will replace you,
And well,
Even though I was expecting your return today..,
..,
Aside from all my emotions I been struggling to handle prior to this,
..,
And even though you returned to the sea of what I see as deeper inseparable life energy,

And even though your sentient manifestation was taken away at the Outer Banks of North Carolina several hundreds of miles away,
Man oh man..,

It’ll be so much harder getting through today

This was just so unexpected,
Even though there were no precise records of your birthday at the puppy mill,
Still..,
Based on estimates,
And based on your seemingly truly happy spirit..,
You could have easily been here with me for another 10 years,

And yeah,
..,
With all my dysregulated emotions I’ve been grappling with previously..,
This makes it so much damn harder,

And well,
Since this is keeping me awake..,
Guess I’m going back to needing seroquel..,

It’s just..,

AHHHHHHHH!!!

Shit happens,
And well I feel that,
Looking to blame someone will NOT bring you back,

Looking to blame someone will NOT make me feel happy,

Looking to blame someone will NOT at all reduce this misery..,

Of course there’s accountability,
Yet well,
I feel you were a beautiful example,
Of what a more peaceful loving spirit can manifest as,

And instead of looking to hate who “did this”..,
Well..,
That hate will just make me feel worse,
..,
That hate will just add to the inner painful dark loneliness..,

Because NOT having YOU here is just..,
Bad enough,

Guess once again my emotions are about to get more rough,
Yet,
I’m still aware,
I’m still accountable,

And well,
I fucking miss you,

And the fact that your physical form that I was expecting to return from the Outer Banks,
Will instead never return to me,
Just devastates me beyond any forms of expression that may ever come out of me,

You could’ve had several more happy years,
EASILY..,
Ohh the pain in me!!!

I wish you were still here among us,
..,
And well,
Maybe you really are a spiritually inseparable part of us,
But man..,

Aside from how I’ve been recently,
This has just so,
So unexpectedly..,

So fucking unexpectedly..,

Stabbed me more deeply

Because I’m so used to you being there,
Because I’m so used to you as my pet dog coming to keep me company..,
I gestured to my bed to give you a hug,

Yet all that was there,
Was just thin air,
..,

And even though you’re gone,
Shit..,
I just miss your spirit,

Damn..,

Aside from all I’m struggling to let go of and become used to,
No forms of beautiful expression will ever perfectly show how much I’m missing you

I’m devastated beyond words,
The sentient physical manifestation of such a lovable soul has gone back to the sea of life energy,
..,
Someone who has taught and displayed lessons so much more supportively,
With ZERO words needed,

And well,
Maybe it’s easy for some to say,
“Just buy another dog”,

But well,
Among other pets I had,
Who I also miss,
Well,
You were also special,

And you helped me and my special needs,
Including that time when I was struggling to deal with supervisors and coworkers..,
When I was sleep-deprived and paranoid and you came running to me,
I even remember holding you when I had a low key panic attack while our much needed and highly skilled contractor was having a (seemingly triggered by a work-related mismanagement) anger attack..,
..,
And I do NOT blame him either,
I also likely would’ve snapped the tape measure or whatever..,
Because I also get pissed when others screw stuff up that makes our day pointlessly harder..,
..,
Because sometimes there’s another straw that breaks my back causing me to go extremely wack..
Yet..,

That time (when my mom picked me up) while walking to the car from that other job I had,
Seeing how excited you were to see me UNlike all those customers (and certain supervisors and/or coworkers) who hated me..,

All those times when I’d arrive home..,
When you’d come excitedly running to see me,
..,
All those times when you were just so happy to see me,
Has at least to some needed degree,
Helped heal the emotional pain I felt to remain stuck within me..,

And I also wish for more company,
And even though so many just may prefer to avoid me..,
And times when I’d get so fucking down,
And even if I was watching old SpongeBob episodes on my Iphone and not sufficiently giving you needed attention while home alone with me..,
..,
Well..,

The fact that you will never again,
Scratch at my door,
..,
Seeing your little bed,
Vests,
Bones,
Pink squeaky toy..,
..,
……..,

Huhhhh..,

It just kills me inside