I feel that there’s infinite fields of study in which I can learn infinitely,
I’ll proceed down one course of life,
Then feel pressure to instantly “complete” another and another course,
..,

And of course,
I can not force,
Developing while on and/or transitioning from one to another course,

I just must once again remind myself to find peace,
As part of any life force,
While of course,
On whichever course,

Some may gravitate to me,
While others remain incompatible with me,

As for all it is and what I may not be able to put into words,
I know it,
Even if I can NOT explain it,

I know it,
Even if I never get a chance to write about it,

I know it,
Even if I do not “know” it

I feel:

I can NOT always evaluate my actions as they occur,
..,
I’ll act then look back,
..,
And my individual awareness may consciously evolve or unconsciously devolve (for example),

Yep,
Developing peaceful balance,
Seems to be an everlasting practice

I feel:

Pain and insecurity seems to ebb and flow,
come and go,

It inhabits one person (without them realizing),
Then gets passed on to another and another,
..,

I’ll feel upset about one thing,
Then it’ll be a different thing,

I’ll have one feeling I’ll feel a need to post about,
Then that’ll pass,
Then there will be another,
And another,
..,

And since the pain may also feed off of my painful negative thoughts pertaining to it,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, page 146, (2005), Penguin Books, New York, New York),
..,
The pain (to stay alive and grow) would want me to (painfully) negatively think and respond to it,

So it’s in my best interest(s),
To continually peacefully witness and NOT react to it,

Yet I must first inwardly (continually) spot it,
So it does not grow within me unconsciously,
Because it may take over me uncontrollably,
It may cause me to get triggered by something external in a way that (for me) is especially life threatening,

So as for that inner pain,
I must stay aware of it,
And peacefully,
Not react to it

For reasons such as that irrational forces of energy have been passed on and remain within me,
I can NOT rationally think my way out of those IRRATIONAL forces of insecurity that have built up within me,
..,
Such as,
Being told I have “nothing to feel ashamed of”,
Does NOT instantly make me feel better,
Because the feeling of shame (or being ashamed) could be an irrational pain-feeding ego force,
That will NOT go away by thinking,

Hence,
I must address the roots that are deeper than the thinking

I may expect someone to act mean,
Then he/she/they may act nice,
Then I’ll expect that same person to act nice again,
Then he/she/they may act mean,
And then I’ll be reminded of my initial expectation of that person acting mean,

Yet,
As for what to expect,
I can never totally predict it,

What I can expect,
Is to NEVER completely expect how experiences may play out,
Among the infinite ways they can and may infinitely play out

If I’m labeled as “on the spectrum”,
I may be more likely forced “on the drugs”,
(That are said to “go with” my cognitive diagnosis),
..,
If I’m susceptible to emotional dysregulation in response to lived experiences,
I may (also) be more susceptible to excessive self-medicating,

I just,
Hope to learn more and more about myself,
To share,
More and more experiences and/or inner realizations,
Such as (right now) making blog posts,
To (hopefully) help anyone going through the same and/or however similar experience(s),

As always,
However “neurotypical” or not,
I intend for my posts to be kindly open and welcoming,
To anyone

I WISH that I did NOT feel that there were so many threats to my survival,
Such as “treatments” I may get forced,
By a force that does NOT seek to help me,
Yet seeks to insatiably increase its dominant authority,

I constantly worry about getting pressured into,
And/or convinced about proceeding down a path that is dangerous for me,
Such as one far likely to drastically reduce my life expectancy,
Whether it’s a court order to undergo a continual type of treatment,
Whether it’s a contract I’m forced to sign and/or follow..,
..,
It’s just,
..,
The more I remember to try to properly follow at least some viable awareness practice,
The more I hopefully sufficiently safely spot,
Whichever survival threats I encounter and may be conceivable,

Ohh I wish for it to become LESS and LESS of a struggle

Since I can NOT rationalize with unstable irrational forces of energy in others,
It’s best I remain distant,
It’s best I stay safe from their toxic reactivity,
(Which of course may have built up throughout their life such as through repeated emotional trauma..(?)),
..,

I must remain a safe distance,
Because if I try to rationalize,
The irrational reactive forces presently in others may interpret it as criticism,
Arrogance,
Or they may react in whatever way that amplifies the out of control emotional chemical reaction,

Hence,
It’s best I leave it alone to not feed it,
And of course to remain safe from it,

Since those irrational reactive energy forces are just looking to feed and stay alive on whatever else may trigger another irrational reaction or expand and deepen the same chain of irrational emotional reactions

Similar to what I (also) tried writing about in my post titled “Random Ego Forms”,
I feel that:

The MORE I’m able to,
And the MORE I practice noticing the DIFFERENCE between what IS inevitably occurring in the present moment and my inner reaction/response to it (for example),
The LESS likely I am to be under the unconscious control of an unconscious inner reaction/response to the present moment,
Since INSTEAD of being caught up in its unconscious emotional reactionary current (for example),
I will be increasingly inwardly,
Consciously witnessing the emotional energy however it manifests and passes through me,

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005) page 110, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now”, (1997), page 27, New World Library, Novato, California),
(Source: Mooji, Infinite Love Meditation Club, “Mooji – Do Not Worry – 3 Wisdom Messages”, September 16th, 2022, YouTube, https://youtu.be/ZqxqxIqlulg),

And in general,
I can always expand my awareness to be aware of more parts of my present state of being that I was not initially aware of,
I can discover more within,
And/or around me,

I can expand my awareness,
(Which I of course believe can be expanded in infinite ways and infinite directions),
However that may happen to be,

?

For example..,
I’ll make a set of clear inner conscious connections,
Which can become deepened,
Which can become more clear and/or expanded,
In whichever directions,

And to broaden and understand awareness,
I can remind myself,
(To reduce pressure, feel clearer and function better),
That I do NOT need to,
NOR can I sufficiently put all of it (since it’s infinite) into words,
And of course,
To really broaden my awareness (for example),
I feel,
It’s best I expand it,
Beyond thoughts and words,

And of course I must be able to distinguish,
What is presence and what is excessively analyzing about it,
So I can,
Of course,
Appreciate being more present,
And feel LESS painfully lost in thought about it,
Or more free from whatever takes me out of the moment,
And (of course) instead appreciate more of the present

Ohh that pain can feed off of pain somewhere,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now”, (1997), page 37, New World Library, Novato, California),

That emotional pain builds,
Spills out,
Then replenishes itself..,
(Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005) page 145, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

Ohh how I struggle to sufficiently inwardly spot it,
To clear it,
So it does not irrationally explode out of me,
Giving other more powerful pain filled and irrational individual and collective forces a “justification” to oppress me,

Ohh how that pain can always build somewhere within me,
I can analyze about it infinitely,
Yet for my continued safety,
I must sufficiently be aware,
Of how it’s manifesting within me,

So it hopefully,
Of course,
Does NOT,
Destroy me