What does it mean,
to be a “patriot”?

Does being a patriot,
mean to follow our infinitely expanding true spirit?
Or does a patriot,
mean to conveniently conform to false,
limiting,
mainstream bullshit?

Does being a patriot mean,
Putting more emphasis on fitting in?
Or is being a patriot,
Focusing more on truth,
WITHIN??

Does being a patriot mean,
To always,
QUESTION??
Or does being a patriot,
mean for others to make our decisions?

Does being a patriot,
Mean to believe the “truth” others believe?
Or does being a patriot mean,
To discover our own truth,
And have the freedom to believe,
Whatever we decide is most helpful and beneficial,
to believe?

Does being a patriot,
Mean wanting to be saved by what we don’t believe in,
In moments of great desperation,
Or does being a patriot mean,
Sticking with our truth,
To truly do our best to help us,
Make it through our most painfully challenging situations?

Does being a patriot,
mean worshiping a supreme being?
Or does being a patriot mean,
Further aligning,
In a feeling of true oneness,
With all beings?
No matter how supreme..
No matter who or what they created
?

What does being a “patriot”,
Truly,
Mean??

Does being a patriot mean we treat others based on their “achievements”?
Or does being a patriot mean,
Empathically acknowledging,
Any other manifestation,
Of sentient existence?

Does a patriot mean we challenge and teach others,
To “toughen them up”,
Or to “break them down”,
and “build them up”,
By screwing them up?
By traumatizing them?
Or does being a patriot mean that we,
Teach others,
whether it’s building character or determining ethical loyalty,
In a way that’s challenging,
YET,
Healthy?
Beneficial for development that’s for ourselves and/or to further align with the spiritual,
To experience in ways,
Far,
Far more meaningful,

Does being a patriot mean we teach others,
In a way that’ll open to truer and truer discovery,
Such as what it truly means to embody being a patriot?

Does being a patriot,
mean to,
Do our best at utilizing our freedom,
the best we know!!?

Is me attempting posting how I’m truly feeling,
Based on my level of truth understanding and present ability of interpreting and articulating in the form of writing,
At least some sign of me being a patriot,
By using my VALUABLE right for expressing myself freely?
I think so,
?

Is being a patriot,
Caring what others think in the sense that,
Hoping that my presence is helpful?
Instead of going down a path of insatiable ego,
That I know is not the deepening, truthful way to go..?

Is being a patriot,
Promoting violence,
Even as the “only means” of self-defense..?
Or is being a patriot,
Intended to find ways to advocate for freedom with non-violence,
While developing compassion for even those who oppress us,
To cultivate peace as a foundation in us,
To sustain and improve more clearness and FREEDOM,
To appreciate,
More of this experience?

Is being a patriot,
Resisting those who oppress us,
While not resisting inner present pain,
To be less weighted down and more clear,
To save more strength,
To sustain,
Advocating our rights,
To proceed down a path of increasing awareness capability,
To improve this reality,
In infinite new ways,
That proceed,
Everlastingly?

Is being a patriot,
(As I asked/considered questioning in the last stanza..),
Cultivating inner peace,
To reduce exploitation,
Or any forms of oppression,
To cultivate society,
In a more FREE,
Moral direction?

Is a patriot,
A “snowflake”?
Or is being a patriot,
Courageously opening,
And..
Trying to make,
The world a more free,
Compassionate,
Peaceful,
Equanimous,
Less brutal,
Ethically stable,
place?

Is being a patriot,
Someone who cultivates peace to be “soft”?
Or is being a patriot,
Someone who cultivates peace,
To be more at peace,
And FREE,
From inner painful emotional (and/or physical),
Hard to control,
intensity?

Is being a patriot,
Someone who arrogantly,
Closed-mindedly claims they totally understand or “get it”,
Or is being a patriot,
Someone who empathically welcomes new ways of seeing it?

Is being a patriot,
Someone who is shut down and obedient?
Or is being a patriot,
Someone who is,
Willing to discerningly face their fears,
Of how others (including authority figures),
Will react,
To them,
Following their truth,
To truly experience more of the present,
To APPRECIATE more of the moment,
To be FREE,
From mental obsessive demons,
Or whatever inner distracting torment?

Is being a patriot,
One who puts a lot of pressure to have the most “perfect future”,
Or is being a patriot,
Someone who aspires to be FREE from,
Painful present distracting pressure,
To CLEAR to what the present,
HAS to offer,
To experience the present with less inner awareness restricting,
Less mentally imprisoning pressure,
Yet to CLEAR restrictions,
To CLEAR pain,
And to CLEAR,
whatever mental inhibitions like pressure filled expectations,
To be less restricted,
Yet more FREE,
To experience the present,
More clearly,
And be less weighed down,
And have more room,
For a deeper level,
Of existential,
Capability?

Is being a patriot?
Being truthful,
or full of judgmental,
shallow bullshit?
And,
To be honest,
For me it’s an ongoing challenging commitment,
To reasonably,
not be a hypocrite,
But I still must try it,
Since I believe,
It’s important to be,
A true,
Patriot

What does it mean?
To be a “patriot”?
Well..
As for some of what I said in this post,
Those are some ways I would consider what it means to be,
A patriot,
True to what we presently view as our truth,
To not only understand,
And experience more of it,
Always aspiring,
For truer,
Better,
Spirit,
That feels more and more non-pressured, Yet,
worth it

With the power elite taking stuff away from many,
creating environmental (and emotional) desperation,
more can easily get sucked into the power hungry institution,
whether it’s the military,
for an only employment opportunity, whether they go crazy,
end up in the psychiatric industry,
prison facility..
there are many forces out there,
that are unconscious,
and haven’t learned to care..
so I guess..
without intending to judge..
just..
beware,

I can live on the surface and conform to mainstream lying,
Or I can be aware,
Or BEWARE,
Of all that’s dangerously,
UNAWARE

Instead of helping me,
As I’ve discussed frequently,
They’ll use my weakness against me,
Even knowingly,
Since it’s an easy way,
To feel more “powerful”,
Do to my weakness,
That they can’t blatantly,
overtly beat,
Conveniently,

Instead of helping me,
They’ll assume I have equally less adversity,
That interferes with “helping myself”,
Sufficiently,
With no regard of how I’m challenged atypically,
And even if to whatever extent they know,
They still won’t care equally to when they didn’t know previously,
Unfortunately,

Instead of helping me,
They’ll assume,
All my problems are due to me “not helping myself properly”,
With no regard of my atypical neurological and/or emotional adversity,
Which has shaped my inner development,
And was exacerbated as expected..
By being severely mistreated,
In this dominant culture,
dominated and filled with inner insecurity,
With an insatiable tendency to cleanse it externally..
Such as conveniently power tripping over me,
Thanks to my developmental atypical forms of adversity,
Such my challenges to be inwardly cognizant of my decisions,
For consistent better decisions,

Instead of helping me have more self-control and be less triggered by opinions of others,
who cause them to treat me,
and increase the unique level of pain that’s in me ALREADY,
Others will make what’s hard for me,
As they throw (often false) closed-minded, hard to listen to,
judgments,
At and around me,
While the same occurs often on TV..,
In addition to advertisements that ultimately..
Are just trying to take more from me,

Instead of helping me,
They don’t care to understand,
And if they they do,
Instead of helping,
They’re still hard on me..

Instead of helping me,
They’ll just criticize,
instead of offering me,
New practices to improve my performance(s) and/or experience(s),

Instead of helping me,
They’ll look for,
and point out,
everything that’s wrong with me,
Instead of teaching and/or kindly suggesting and/or empathetically assisting me,
To help me learn,
What I could do differently,
To even develop my own peace,
Awareness and equanimity,

Instead of helping me,
They seemingly won’t consider,
Nor are sufficiently aware,
Of how to more clearly and deeply help themselves,
For themselves and others,
For a greater appreciation and experience of each day to day moment,
To be more aware of the present,
in which life occurs,
To appreciate more,
To clear,
To be more free from inner unconscious pain and insecurity,
That emanates onto me,
Exacerbating how much inner painful difficulty I have already,
Similar to what I said in the fourth stanza,
in this post,
evidently,
already..,

Instead of helping me,
By joining me,
On a conscious expansion inner and present path journey,
They prefer to go through the motions shallow and surfacely,
At least speaking for many,
Speaking for based on how I often see,

Instead of helping me,
They’ll think I need to be “punished severely”,
They’ll shut me down,
instead of opening me up,
They’ll fill me with more fear,
Instead of helping me clear,
My past trauma that has given me difficult emotions like too much fear,

Instead of helping me,
Help themselves as well as myself develop inwardly,
To heal materialistic nihilism,
To heal dysfunction and delusional, harmful,
violent ideology,
externally,
They’ll won’t question themselves internally,
And will get sucked into belief systems unquestionably,

Instead of helping me,
Question and open to infinitely new forms of infinite expanding and infinite deepening capability,
They’ll close down to belief systems that “think they know all there is to know” and/or “all that is needed to know”,
As they do NOT question,
Continuously..

Instead of helping me,
They’ll go through the moments unconsciously,
Disregarding their own capability,
As well as their own needed attention to their own emotions,
And my emotions entirely,
Or not close to sufficiently,
Since if they’re more aware of what they need to be for themselves,
They’ll also be more aware of how they affect others (including me) more than they were (if ever) previously..?
Of course there (to me) are always new and/or infinite reasons to be more aware presently than we are presently..
I know I struggle at doing this consistently,
And I struggle when doing it consistently,
But the more I do it,
The more I prefer doing it than not doing it..
Of course in the moments when I feel I’m feeling more of a benefit I wish (or gladly, surprisingly) experience (or feel) from it,

Instead of helping me,
Develop more of mine and all our capability,
As I know I said similarly,
But to emphasize..
They’ll remain shut down,
In convenient,
Conformist,
Materialistic,
Drug induced conformity,

Instead of helping me,
They’ll suck me in to toxic behavior,
That they’ll live long in,
If and only if they’re,
VERY LUCKY,

Instead of helping me,
They’ll exacerbate my atypical learning and emotional challenges,
Even if they understand,
They still won’t help themselves have more self-control like patience for me,
To help make what’s more hard for me,
Less hard consistently,
And to make what’s hard for them to be around less hard internally,
Like annoying energy I’m giving to them UNINTENTIONALLY..,
(For example obviously(?)),

Instead of helping me,
After listening to me,
Instead of remembering me explain why I struggle with certain types of adversity,
Why I struggle to do what I know how to,
Due to my inner weight,
made heavier,
and more painful,
due to my history (such as being bullied),
That distracts me,
frequently (such as OCD inhibiting, if not blinding my awareness which my insecure obsessive ego focuses on for “security” (although it never works ultimately.. since it does NOT arrive at to heal the true inner forms of pain (or trauma(s)) as I explained similarly..)),
So when I tell them why I mess up and what I know I can do easily (for example),
They’ll say they “understand me”,
And then,
Regardless if they remember it,
They’ll still mistreat me,
As they did repeatedly,
Before I clearly explained to them my type of atypical adversity,

Instead of helping me,
(Similar to the above stanza.. (to say it more briefly)),
Through their understanding of my atypical adversity,
They’ll dismiss it completely,
(Regardless of how intentional or unintentionally),
And they’ll continue,
To mistreat me the same,
Continuously,

Instead of helping me,
Even if they can,
Not only understand me,
But ALSO can emphasize with me,
additionally,
They’ll still go back to mistreating me,
As if they never heard,
Or felt,
Why I feel,
behave and struggle the way I do,
Yet hate to,
Or simply prefer NOT to..

Instead of helping me,
Boost all our spirit,
To all feel less like shit,
They’ll continue to cultivate toxic energy,
And when it exacerbates the toxic feeling already in me,
I’ll get more unconscious,
To block it out with harmful longer term effects (that I’ll more likely experience in the future due to my unaware behavior..),
That’ll be far more toxic for me,
Since they (regardless of however intentional or unintentionally),
Didn’t cleanse,
The contaminated, toxic energy spirit,
That they permeate (or emanate(?)),
Unconsciously, carelessly and uncontrollably,
Without consideration of what the present actually can be..,

Instead of helping me,
They’ll make what’s already too hard,
Unnecessarily harder for me,
And the reasons for this,
Of course,
Have been listed clearly why this occurs,
All instead of helping me,

Instead of helping me,
By helping themselves,
Have less resistance,
And more acceptance of what they don’t like in the present,
Such as my low-confident,
anxious,
obsessive energy,
They could,
But do NOT,
UNFORTUNATELY..
Properly proceed down paths,
To respond less painfully,
To external adversity,
Even if it’s me,
But if they decided to,
If they had more support,
Better experiences,
Creating more of a true, meaningful incentive to,
Well..
Aside from helping me,
It will,
(Seemingly to me),
help themselves,
And create a better inner, peacefully aware foundation,
To heal dysfunction,
And expand into greater,
clearer awareness,
For greater,
clearer progress,
With experiencing,
Such as deepening and/or expanding appreciating the present on whatever micro, macro,
surface or deep,
profound spiritual level,
We may be,
Experiencing,
Presently,
All instead of helping me,
And themselves..
Evidently

If I don’t like me (or myself),
Instead of offering healing energy,
Others (meaning some (if not most)) will use my bullied,
post-traumatic,
low-confident,
obsessive energy against me,
To (as I often say) try to instantly, conveniently block out their own insecurity,
By feeling more above,
To try to feel more “secure” control,
And to try to feel “better” about themselves by clearly proving to themselves that they’re “better” than me,
Even if they do this knowingly,
Yet since their ensnared in strong TEMPTING ego gratification energy,
They’ll utilize the OPPORTUNITY,
To FEED of off the weakness they see in me,
For their own sense (although ultimately pointless attempt) of grasping their preferred level of feeling,
of ego,
“security”,

If I don’t like me,
Others will get FRUSTRATED,
With my low confident energy,
And instead of healing me,
They’re react DEFENSIVELY,
Due to unreasonable fear of my low confident energy,
contaminating them,
equally,

If I don’t like me,
Like in the above stanza,
Others will avoid me,
Due to an immense fear of becoming like me,

If I don’t like me,
Others with higher (yet still insecure) confidence,
will sense my low confidence,
Then take advantage of me,

If I don’t like me,
Others will sense my desperation,
And will want to try to manipulate me,
Into their ideology,

If I don’t like me,
Others will feel a need,
to give me advice repeatedly,
Without considering that I may have heard it repeatedly..
Without considering just telling me surface level truths,
Without considering that understanding truths,
Without proper guidance,
On how to,
in addition to cognitively understanding, yet actually attain needed and/or profound benefits from ACTUALLY experiencing these truths,
Especially in this case..
Won’t sufficiently help me,
Experience more of the truth that’ll actually help me,
According to me,
Truthfully..

If I don’t like me,
I’ll get sucked into similar dark patterns,
That I’ve been in before,
And however much before that,
Then others will get frustrated at me,
Due to my obsessive low-confident energy,
And instead of supporting me,
The insecurity in them will feel a need to criticize me,
If not punish me,
And shut me down,
and raise my fear and various forms of hypersensitive emotion up,
Immensely,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll let others mistreat me,
And I’ll think it’s “because of me”,
Due to not wanting to admit that I’m in a messed up reality that treats me,
UNFAIRLY,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll act politely,
To those who are unreasonably mean to me,
And I’ll fearfully apologize to them,
to obsessively ease the situation,
Even though truthfully,
They’re the ones,
who must apologize to me,
Which won’t hurt,
as I also cleanse myself inwardly,
of the harmful energy,
that came out of them,
and got sucked into me..

If I don’t like me,
I’ll feel bad,
Causing others to get mad,
And tell me,
“GET OUT OF YOUR VICTIM MENTALITY”,
with no consideration of my atypically painful “autistic” history,
That I still struggle with,
Which hasn’t healed completely,
Clearly due to memories I still carry with me,

If I don’t like me,
My low confidence will interfere with fulfilling my accountability,
Causing me to wind up in a deeper hole of adversity,

If I don’t like me,
Others will insult me,
Knowing I won’t challenge them,
(And similar to what I said in the first stanza..),
So I’ll make others feel “better about themselves”,
Since they’ll feel “above me”,
Since their mood will be “above” mine,
since they brought my mood “down”,
Although they’ll only experience,
this feeling temporarily,
Since they didn’t get to their inner source(s) of insecurity and heal,
cleanse,
and/or clear their demons and/or toxic,
traumatized internal energy,
sufficiently,

If I don’t like me,
My lack of confidence will pressure me into conformity,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll “agree”,
With what truly does NOT,
“speak to me”,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll try to agree,
with what I don’t view as practical,
Productive reality,
Since I’ll lack the confidence,
To stay true to myself,
Even if that increases the possibility,
that I’ll end up by myself,
Instead of being around other unconscious,
unquestioning,
conformists,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll keep my mouth shut,
While others mistreat me,

If I don’t like me,
My unconscious lack of confidence will lie to me,
By telling me,
That the abuse I receive from others is “good for me”,
And I’ll deny how it’s traumatizing me,
I’ll deny how it’s,
shutting me down,
increasingly,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll be too trustworthy,
Of others,
Who claim that they’re (regardless of whatever level they actually are..), “trying to help me”,
And my lack of consciousness and confidence,
Will allow them to damage,
and take advantage,
of my valuable life experience,
Which I’m presently experiencing,
Yet actually have infinite capability on expanding and deepening,
In this physical form I’m in,
As part of,
existence,
Yet instead I won’t experience any of this,
If I put up with their harmful unconsciousness,
Take advantage,
And/or exploit,
My present blessings in this form of existence,

If I don’t like me,
Essentially,
I will NOT have the confidence,
To try and PREVENT others from taking my true inner capability,
Away from me,

If I don’t like me,
I will NOT stop others,
From preventing me,
From inwardly accessing and expanding,
Infinite new forms of infinite new capability,
From ever and/or continuing to develop in me,
as I manifest them,
Outwardly,

If I don’t like me,
I won’t have the confidence,
To say “NO” to what I KNOW I must say “NO” to,
Because since I wouldn’t like me,
I’ll become hopeless and then,
More careless,
If not “reckless”,
More frequently,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll be more unconscious than I feel to be usually,
I’ll disproportionately fear for my safety,
And I’ll then excessively,
Lack confidence for sufficient economic “adulting” self-sustainability,
So to try to feel “better”,
My unconscious insecure ego,
Will direct it’s attention elsewhere,
In a direction,
That takes my capability for, self-sustaining living,
And deeper,
Clearer experiencing,
No where,
Yet father away,
From what I prefer,
to be experiencing now,
Or someday,

If I don’t like me,
I feel I must really consider that,
As a likely result,
I’ll limit my capability,
Of increasing and experiencing my capability,
That’s possible in the physical manifestation I’m existing in,
Presently

Others assume it’s “my fault”,
They’ll always think I’m wrong,
They’ll make what is already too hard for me,
Harder,
Making it intolerably harder,
To stay strong,
However much longer,

Of course I’m still here..
(In this sentient physical form..),
And never plan to willingly go elsewhere,

Like I said in this blog previously,
I know it is an ignorant (and/or useless) attempt to block out feelings of insecurity,
To try to feel,
securely in control,
by feeling above me,
By controlling me as they express their anger at me,
Giving them that instantly gratifying, tempting,
yet impermanent,
feeling of security,
Since I’m an “easy target”,
And even though this doesn’t heal the inner source of their pain (aside from exacerbating mine),
Even though for them this is temporary,
It’s convenient and easy,
So they’ll “just do it”,
Even though it has no moral benefit,
No moral development,
Yet deepens entrenchment,
In unconscious external seeking,
And reducing awareness building for inner healing..
Just..
Saying..

I believe,
They do this because their insecurity makes them react to me unconsciously,
So they don’t question or consider how they treat me,
Since they’re blinded by irrationality,
And,
They just let it fly out carelessly,

(Not saying I “know”..),
Yet as for them,
they seemingly,
Don’t know how the ego operates,
So they do what they do,
Because they don’t work on healing themselves,
Because they’re not aware how to,
And (possibly) haven’t felt a significant need to..
So they perpetuate behavior that doesn’t address the root causes,
Yet causes me,
More painful obstacles,
In my day to day,
Present to present,
Reality..

And even though I can practice developing control,
To better respond to their emotionally harmful lack of control,
Including avoiding escalating situations so it doesn’t become physical,
Or worse..
However,
Since I struggle at being sufficiently, consistently aware,
I still may be more vulnerable,
To unconsciously reacting harmfully,
To their unconscious lack of control,
They inflict on me,
Constantly,

(Of course I still try to work on myself, to develop and therefore protect myself (and others) to a needed degree..)

Whether most others are typically less aware,
Or if we’re,
equally unaware,
However,
Since they (or “many”) aren’t emotionally and/or neurologically challenged to the degree that’s as bad as me,
They’re lucky that they’re not as in need of,
A self and/or spiritual development practice,
To sustain their survival in this physical sentient form of existence,

However,
Regardless of our fortunes and/or misfortunes,
Well,

The more we open to deeper truths,
To me it seems,
The more will come to us,
That seems to help us appreciate whatever we experience,

That seems to be the truth..

Speaking of misfortunes,
The other day,
Since a coworker didn’t believe me,
When I continuously said I “never had a girlfriend”,
Since my coworker kindly said I’m a “good looking guy”,
I briefly told my coworker the true story..
And since he still didn’t believe me,
I showed my coworker numerous times on Tinder,
me receiving no reply after saying “hi”,
Including times,
After the women said something,
then me replying and still getting nothing..
As opposed to my coworker initially saying..
“I feel bad for the girls”,
Assuming it was me,
not replying..

So after I made more clear,
The reality,
I was like..
“You still don’t believe me?”
And then my coworker said,
“Now I feel sorry for you”,

(Yes I know Tinder is not the only place to look.. and I can change what I look for.. and how.. (and as for my beliefs and experiences there’s a lot more to it.. that I wrote in other writing pieces I haven’t shared yet) etc.. etc.. (but that’s not one of the main points here.. hence the title..))

And even though,
I know my level of autism,
Inhibits my chances of a relationship,
Due to all my inner unhealed bullshit,
Well..
As for existence,
There’s just more to it,

Life is,
NOT just autism,
Life is,
NOT just love relationships..

To me (as always..),
My deeper,
Truer essence,
is deeper than my level of autism,
My deeper,
Truer essence,
Is deeper than any depth in any type of infatuation relationship,
(If not any type of relationship..)

Even though I feel in many ways,
Misfortunate,
Still..
To not hit an emotional and/or existential crisis,
To avoid “losing my shit”,
Because of it,
I’ve been forced to try to deepen and clear my awareness,
Due to healing,
being with it,
And,
Of course,
mitigating the pain,
That results,
From it,

On break while typing my future post “If I don’t like Me”,
The same coworker asked me,
about my writing,
And I told my coworker how after we first met at work,
I included a side of my coworker,
in a piece of writing (which I thought I posted but I guess I didn’t since I didn’t see it unless I missed it.. (so I told him (to warn him), incase he came across it when reading my blog that he seemed interested to read)),

Regardless,
The way I depicted my initial interaction with my coworker,
Suggested I INITIALLY didn’t (or wouldn’t) like the guy as a friend,

But fortunately,
As time went on,
The first impression I had,
Didn’t indicate the most types of friendly interactions we’ve had this far,
And so it was a fortune he said “it’s okay”,
and wasn’t upset,
So it’s fortunate he’s chill about it,
Which is fortunate since as for publishing writing,
I may want to use it,

?

Yet,
I still felt bad,
So I explained to my coworker that it wasn’t with judgmental intent,
But based on an experience I had,
And that it is supposed to be “light-hearted”,

Regardless,
And evidently,
There are different sides,
To everybody,

Regardless of first, second, third, or however many impressions,
Seemingly,
I guess,
We may all change,
And unexpectedly manifest in ways that are very unexpected,
So although I can never CERTAINLY tell what to expect,
To me it’s fortunate,
That our interactions on the job were positive,
and in a helpful,
supportive spirit,

Even though when first meeting my coworker on the job,
When he was asking me questions,
Which made me form assumptions,
that he was suspicious of me,
Due to me also assuming virtually all others thought I was weird (in a bad way) due to behavior I displayed,
due to having learning and social/emotional atypically worse adversity,
I thought..
Man..
“This guy won’t like me”,

Fortunately,
As of now,
I can say,
That wasn’t the story,

Regardless,
Even though I could have had even more misfortunate misfortunes,
I still prefer different misfortunes than the misfortunes I have,
Yet..
Even though I get upset,
I know that,
My misfortunes,
Fortunately,
Are not my deepest essence,
That deepens and clears,
In infinite directions,
that go on infinitely,
Fortunately,
According to me

I try to be straight up,
Even with those,
Who I’m below,

I try to be straight up,
Even when I’m down,
And feeling like giving up,

Even if my head is not up,
I will still try to be..
As you can see,
As they say,
“Straight up”,

I know,
I can’t totally know,
If what I’m doing,
Is the right way to go,

I still feel I reasonably,
In this context,
“Know”,
What is all or mostly for “nothing”,
As opposed to,
What is a direction worth aspiring,
Such as,
Deepening understanding for clearer conscious experiencing,
So this physical experience I’m in,
Feels more fulfilling,
Feels more worth it,
When experiencing,

Based on my judgment,
Even those who seem so innocent,
Are still filled with immense judgment,

Regardless,
That I just wanted to use the same ending syllables,
of the words “innocent”,
and “judgment”..
Many in unconscious dismissive judgement,
Many who,
When it comes to juggling,
As it is true for me among many topics, activities, hobbies, sets of knowledge, specialties..
Seem,
Ignorant,

(I know that word is insensitive,
but as for this post’s flow..
Ya know..
I wanted to include it..)

So,
I may receive far more positive feedback,
On my juggling,
And as for my writing,
Many may just judge it as..
Wack..
?

Although I could be FAR better like others at juggling and writing,
Based on my understanding,
On the surface,
Judging my ability at numbers (or endurance) juggling,
May be far easier to judge by a non-juggling audience..

Of course,
(according to me (as for “ignorance”)),
The more involved we are,
in a world of whatever type of activity,
The more aware we may be,
Of how unaware,
Those who don’t similarly pursue it,
Barely know anything about it..

So yes,
As for low numbers technical juggling (I guess),
Or whatever high-skill manifestations,
That are far easier understood by those who practice those disciplines,

And even though I try to make my writing as clear as possible,
Many,
Especially those who don’t share similar experiences,
May much rather just,
“See me juggle”,

Now I won’t forget to mention,
That I APPRECIATE pretty much any type of complement,
Since my innate learning/emotional (autistic) challenges have given me a life of bullshit,
However,
As for feeling a need to live more in alignment,
Of what I most see fit,
Due to how others react to it,
Due to how different states of inner awareness makes me view myself,
I still,
Immensely struggle with deciding,
What I plan to continue doing,
To have my experience keep feeling,
Most,
Or at least sufficiently,
“worth it”,

Although I appreciate positive feedback,
Way,
way more than a toxic energy attack..
Still,
What society prefers of me,
Has an effect on me,

And due to the dominant energy,
And if there’s already a lot of inner intensity and insecurity,
I can easily become sucked into beliefs,
Or emphasized ways of living,
The dominant culture throws at me,

In this case,
As for me,
Although evidently juggling is NOT popular,
Nor seems to be extensively understood by most in mainstream culture,
Still..
My relationship to it,
As of now why I do it,
Has to do with ego validation,
Instead of any meaningful path towards continuously deeper,
Greater,
Inner realization,

Hence,
I easily get sucked into the temptation,
Of my environmental situation,
Which also may include,
Being in an environment with more shut down toxic insecure ego energy around me,
And due to all the low spirits,
I’ll be more tempted to conveniently lift or “boost” my spirit,
By harmfully self-medicating,
Such as buying too many energy drinks,

And aside from harmful physical long term effects,
Aside from energy drinks..
Since I fluctuated my emotions with the intention of experiencing a happier (less negative and/or obsessive) inner sensation,
Once I’m “sober”,
They’ll swing back in the other direction,

So what I took the substances to get away from,
Such as obsessive compulsive painful thinking,
Such as insecurity that has built up in me,
Due to bad history,
Due to my culture not teaching or emphasizing to me,
How to cleanse or heal inner pain (or difficulty) properly,
What I took the substances for,
Once sober,
Will resurface in me,
To a degree,
Even greater,

If I let whatever form of medication,
Without any inner awareness,
Swing my emotions in one direction,
Then once I’m off that medication,
And if I still,
don’t have adequate or any awareness of how to helpfully respond to emotion,
They’ll swing back even harder in the other direction,
Hence,
Giving me greater emotional fluctuation,
Putting me in greater danger of destructively handling a bad social altercation,
Whether at work,
Or in whatever situation..

So in that case,
Running away from what is hard for me,
Will eventually make it even harder for me,
But since my environment creates high levels of temptation for me,
Since my environment’s unconscious energy makes me less conscious of considering the extent I’m jeopardizing my future of continuing better experiencing,

Even though I’m aware of the choices and/or decisions I happen to be making,
Well,
The forces are still potent (or powerful (?)) and blinding,

Although I don’t always choose,
How I internally choose to make choices (and/or decisions)..
Well,
Environmental toxic forces,
In this case,
Inner unawareness forces immersed in immense painful negative energy (I guess?),
Make it harder,

Therefore,
The less I check in internally,
The more likely dominant cultural energy,
Will take over me,
Which in this case,
I’ll become more entrenched,
more ensnared (or trapped (?)),
In what I guess I could regard as,
Unconscious ego,
insatiable insecurity..?

Although as I emphasized,
I appreciate positive feedback,
Still,
I may get pressure unintentionally put on me,
Which in me may easily manifest as,
Trying to meet all my juggling goals “obsessively”,
Such as spending months refilming videos wearing different clothes,
To impulsively block out irrational “body figure insecurity”..

And well..
Regardless of what others think of the path I choose,
As of now,
Developing my writing,
Has far,
Far more importance to me,

Maybe my perfectionist,
Surfacely aware,
And/or,
Shallow,
Ego,
Might not feel as proud about my writing,
Which,
I try to express understanding of deeper,
Clearer,
Experiencing,
Whether it’s responding to,
My past,
Implementing present healing,
Or future predicting..

Whatever it is,
I try to consider,
What will give me the most meaning?
What feels most worth doing?

Even if others make me feel that what I do is “all for nothing”,
Or “less important” or “pointless”.. Or “weird”..
Or however,
they make me feel worse for doing it,
Instead of,
Better..

Well,
As far as my present capability of understanding understands,
Even though,
On the surface,
This may be less obvious,
And since,
Instead of succumbing to dominant cultural expectation(s),
I want to follow my present,
Dominant,
Peaceful and helpful intuition(s),
Or,
What I feel,
As more,
Of a “calling”(?),

Even if what I decide to mostly (if not totally) focus on,
Is truly “all for nothing”,
Still..
I’m still experiencing,
And/or trying my best,
At something,
(Whatever that may consist of..)

I’m still trying my best,
To continue at what I feel is most worth continuing,

So,
Although I’ll still do both,
However,
As for what to focus MORE on,
To choose between juggling,
And writing,

I choose,

Writing,

I won’t let fears such as being “bad at it”..
And/or it being “all for nothing”,
Inhibit me from doing,
What I feel my inner,
foundational truth,
Is suggesting

Although now may always be a time to “check in” and “respond” inwardly,
To be more in touch presently,

Still..

When emotional intensity is thrown at me,
if I don’t prepare myself,
it’ll cloud my rational thinking ability,
Or however else cause harm to me,
And/or others (as I said in my last post),
If it spills out of me,
Uncontrollably,
Or it may only harm me,
If the inner toxins that fill in me naturally just kill me..

So yes,
I must respond,
To heal,
To rid myself of destructive energy,
As needed,

Aside from all possible outlets,
That’s a reason I write,
To form sufficient responses,
To which,
I did not have time to reasonably form,
in those painful moments of bullshit,
(In front of however many others),

I write stuff such as these posts,
to later,
respond,
Clearer,
However greater,
In order,
To understand deeper,
To benefit my part of all beingness,
However,

I intend,
To subsequently respond to those past present painful moments,
that occurred on the surface of awareness,
To respond to those moments,
that again were,
shallow and destructive,
Which may have resulted,
from states of internal awareness (or unawareness..),
which were,
shallow and destructive,

For example,
In those types of moments,
I may have been too intimidated,
to clear myself enough for rational thinking,
And responding,
To the irrational intensity that was being thrown from others at me,
Or..
To the irrational energy others immensely dumped onto me,
As an attempt to feel more “in control”,
To feel “more secure”,
By putting me down underneath them,
To try to feel above me,

Regarding responding rationally,
To me,
Taking out their internal pain,
Externally onto me,
doesn’t get to,
Nor heal,
The source(s),
Of their insecurity,

It’s just an attempt to cover it up,
And regardless to the extent they know that subsequent type of “secure” feeling is very impermanent,
They’ll still succumb to the temptation,
to try to make themselves feel better by making me feel like shit,
Since,
Regardless to the extent they’re informed of my diagnosis,
To them it’s still obvious,
That I’m an atypically learning,
and atypically,
emotionally challenged,
easy target,

Even if they can’t put that into words,
They’ll see that I’m a clear, easy target,
Such as how,
In front of others,
I STRUGGLE WITH WORDS,

At least,
in this time I’m writing this,
I have the,
Time to respond,
To my feelings I feel a need to share,
And can therefore,
Better find the words,
With the intention of them possibly opening to infinitely new interpretations that may deepen, or however broaden,
In whatever infinite direction(s),

Yes..
That may have been an excessively worded explanation,
However,
Keeping what I post open to any future generation,
Even if always,
If what I say,
May be helpful in whatever way(s)?
Is my intention,

Still,
If all the time I spend at trying to make my existence “worthwhile” is “all for nothing”,
At least I tried my best,
And I guess,
From whatever experience,
I may have always learned something..?

As for me being an “easy target”,
I know I (at least once) previously said that,
(When, where, and in how many different shared or unshared posts (If being the case(s)).. I forget.)
Yet,
as I say,
Or imply..
As for causes, responses, analysis.. Whatever pertains to,
“What I keep experiencing,
I keep repeating”,
Or somehow continue discussing and form expressions from like this that I clearly intend for sharing,
To try to describe it in a clearer and deeper way than before,
Since (in my belief) there’s infinite new ways of describing,
Which continue in whatever direction infinitely,
Well,
I can always try to repeat my response to the same painful bullshit,
More and more clearly,
For understanding or whatever ways it may benefit me,
Or anybody,
Since although (especially speaking for myself),
we may not always realize and remember it,
We’re not alone in some form of pain,
bullshit,
And I guess,
A benefit of remembering this,
Is that we’ll feel less alone in it,

And I also hope me posting these types of posts help those who struggle similarly to me,
However,
I intend to include and welcome anybody,
And I’ll try to not get sidetracked into the hate,
Yet,
I,
of course,
believe in accountability,

Yesterday at work,
A coworker/supervisor,
who is on average nicer to me,
Still got pissed at me when the boxes on my cart fell over,
due to me stacking them improperly,
Due to inner pain (including NON-work related OCD) that was distracting me..
So he said,
(Essentially..),
“You know you’re not supposed to do it this way yet you still do it”,
And since he also got pissed at me for working “slow” since he was getting blamed (or feared getting blamed (can’t remember exactly..)) for not training me “properly”,
And since he was looking out for me so (once my seasonal period is over) I become a permanent employee,
And since he said “they see” the work I don’t do such as through the cameras,
And since he reminded me as I made clear I agreed that it’s hard to find a job this good,
With this good of long term benefits,

And for myself,
I remember that I appreciate how this company at least (seemingly) claims to have a good moral level of inclusion of those with learning challenges,
emotional challenges or some kind of atypical struggles..
(As a reminder to make even when reading this for myself clear.. he didn’t say that part regarding the anti-ableism..),

But the point is clear,
Like he said,
What I must do,
As he again showed me,
Is “easy”,
And that I,
“know it”,
But when I screwed up as the boxes fell over..
As for using it against me,
As I saw it coming,
As I saw him walking in my direction..
As I predicted..
He still utilized the opportunity,
To express his frustration at the easy target,
That of course..
Being me..

So I eventually,
tried to briefly tell him,
of my atypical “neurological” and/or emotional adversity,
To help him understand more why I still struggle to do,
What I clearly view,
As EASY,

So.. I told him what I have can be referred to as “mild autism” or “Asperger’s Syndrome”,
Which he never heard of,
And aside from all our different life challenges,
insecurities and/or suffering,
I still judged him not knowing about the name(s) of my condition(s) as a blessing,
For seemingly,
not having a similar level of those particular challenges,
And/or not having to overcome them to a similar degree,
And not still being bothered and/or inhibited by them (although in many ways to a lesser degree),
Still too frequently,

So I somewhat explained myself,
And although to me he seemingly somewhat understood,
I STILL acknowledged how I’m WELL AWARE that I’m still “equally accountable”,
And that I’m not trying to “make excuses”,
And even though he now might know more about what to expect of me and why I still fail to do what is easy..
Even though,
As compared to many I’ve had struggles with,
This supervisor is still,
FAR nicer,

I’m also WELL AWARE that,
People still,
Speaking for myself especially,
Don’t just change instantly,

And I’m well aware that,
Due to my atypical adversity,
Even the people who are nice to me,
Still snap at me,
As I’d guess..
More than most others,
Unfortunately..

So as I expected before I started working here,
As I expect whether it’s from him,
Or from whoever,
There will (as there has been),
More of the same bullshit..

It could get worse?
Hopefully not, obviously..
Yet..
I always,
In whatever forms,
Try to prepare myself for it,
And try NOT to derail myself,
So I especially do NOT fly into a life-ruining dark hole or ditch because of it,

To say it again..
And while revising and having forgot I also wrote this,
Yet still wanting to include this:
More moments when I struggle to do,
Even what I view,
As “easy shit”,
Yet,
due to my atypical internal struggles,
I’ll have bad moments,
That give me more shit,
Since for criticism,
And others displacing their insecurity onto me by trying to feel above me,
I’ll still be an easy target,

As for understanding healing,
or however I must be self/spiritually improving,
Just because I understand it..
Doesn’t mean I’m good at it..

Just because I know what it means to juggle 11 balls does NOT mean I can do it,
It does NOT mean I have done it,
It does NOT mean I’ll ever do it..
However,
Same idea pertains to inner development,
Yet,
Since juggling is no longer my primary focus,
Unlike juggling,
As for inner development,
As for present inner awareness,
To be as alert as I can,
To further appreciate as much as I can,
In any moment of experience..
I plan to stick with it,

And,
Of course,
To me,
My practice must be sufficiently consistent,
To experience more of it,
In whatever forms,
Ongoingly,

As of now,
At age 26.5ish,
I’m responding,
To shit,
Yet,
I’m trying,
To deepen,
Or however broaden,
my understanding,
And I guess,
my personal analysis..
of it,
?

Whether in response to any form(s) of whatever micro to macro levels of emotional abuse,
Or whatever levels of any type(s) of bullying..
For whatever reason why,
I was not able to express,
Clear,
civil,
peaceful,
rational expression and/or feeling,
In moments of witnessing and/or encountering,
Once again,
This is why I’m posting,
More of what I have to say,
In my time,
To respond,

It is,
My VALUABLE time,
For responding,

Although those in deep holes (or levels) of irrational unconsciousness,
may not adequately understand (if at all) or just dismiss,
my rational response(s) resulting from whatever moment(s),
Since irrational states can’t just “become rational” instantly..
To once again paraphrase Socrates,
Such as in my post “Examining My Life”..
Rational responding is CRUCIAL to me,

To emphasize it again,
It is tremendously important,
Since it is,
me “examining my life”,
so my life is,
“worth living”,

So I,
Sufficiently align with my truth that I see as NEEDED,
Which I therefore feel I must do,
To continually attain the best experience I can,
To get the most meaning and fruitfulness,
Out of the physical form I presently manifest in,
As a wave of all existence,
JUST SAYING..
Since it’s important to sustain rational observing,
Since our life is DEFINITELY worth EXAMINING,

..

If others are mean to me,
I may not be able to confront them,
or advocate for myself,
adequately,
Clearly and/or express myself sufficiently precisely,
In those kinds of moments,

So once I have more time to internally process it,
To share deeper feelings,
Which I was more able to put into words after it,
I can form a more rational,
Helpful,
Response to it,

This post evidently came from the time I cherish,
This post came from my..,
Time to respond,

Although there may be a lot of revising,
and/or elaborating,
and/or adding, subtracting,
compacting ideas,
to be more straight and/or clear to the point and/or feeling(s) instead of obsessive thinking overloading my writing,

..

Whatever I “should” or could do to this post that may be helpful,
At least,
Including this,
Including all my others posts,
Including all my unshared and/or “not yet shared” writing,
I am grateful that,
I have had,
time to respond,
To what I previously didn’t get a chance to respond to,
Sufficiently in a way,
I rationally prefer to,

And a reason why I’m grateful,
For having the time I had,
To respond,
To what I felt a need to respond to,
Is because I feel it has helped make my time in this form,
Feel more beneficial,

Regardless to the extent it actually does,
I hope,
Or I wish,
For my posts,
To somehow,
Whether now, later, or whenever,
If not always,
Be helpful

Since if others keep getting mad at me,
Such as using what I ALREADY know is “wrong with me” against me,
frequently,
Like how a work supervisor I once had got angry and said,
“Oh my god this is so special Ed!”
And when I told her how I have “Asperger’s Syndrome”,
She said “Oh you definitely have it”,
Instead of “I’m sorry to hear that”..

Anyway.. I’ll elaborate in my short stories if I decide to publicize them one day..

Since I have far more developmental, emotional and/or neurological challenges than most others,
I’m vulnerable to more anger directed towards me,
Especially in a culture that doesn’t emphasize inner development,
Such as empathy,

Therefore others often get frustrated with my slow learning and annoying questions as they teach me,

Similar to what I’ve discussed in other posts..
If others keep snapping at me,
I’ll LIKELY snap back eventually,

Yet,
they’ll still act surprised and ask me questions such as,
“What is wrong with you?”
Or they’ll add to criticism by telling me stuff such as that same supervisor did:
“You can’t handle criticism”,
With zero empathy,
And with zero support,
for my type of atypical adversity,

Instead of that pointless energy they dump on me,
They COULD,
practice clearing it themselves,
To experience the moment clearer themselves,
And to offer me,
EMPATHY,
when I struggle to learn,
And when I struggle,
to control my emotion in response to THEIR frustration,
At me,
Which they’ll downplay as “criticism” or “honesty”,
Instead of verbal emotional displacement,
Instead of acknowledging how they’re using me as an easy punching bag,
To cover up their insecurity by trying to instantly gratify their insecure egos by feeling a sense of clear power over me,
As they emotionally shit on me,
And as I do NOT confront them perpetually,

But if I don’t clear the hurt that builds in me,
There will come a point,
Where I’ll hit that inevitable breaking point,
When what they gave me fills in me,
So much,
That it’ll explode out of me,
As a bomb of toxic irrationality,

Since my emotions will have blinded me,
As a result of their emotional blindness,
As a result of their empathic numbness,
That internally destroyed filled me with despair,
With no guidance on inner healing, and/or (as for rhyming..) repair,

So “in a nutshell”,
to predict the outcome of my inner hell,
if controlling it becomes unbearable,
The bad,
Pointless energy will explode out of me,
Uncontrollably,
And I’ll be dismissed by the majority,
Possibly as a “nut” who is inexplicably “evil”, and/or “unwell”,

As for those who judge me shallow and carelessly,
Those who emotionally hurt me,
(At least most seemingly, especially during those periods of their irrationality..),
Assume that I have “no reason” to get offended,
They’ll have no consideration for my atypical struggles,
And when I express my anger,
Even if it’s completely,
CLEARLY,
NOT directed at them,
But in an unusual,
atypically emotionally intense way,
That got triggered due to all my history of others mistreating me,
Due to personal frustration with learning disabilities,
They STILL can’t see,
Or conveniently choose not to see,
why I express myself the way I do,
After all they do and express brutally inconsiderately to me!!

When my supervisor told me “it’s no surprise” I have “Asperger’s Syndrome”, that just worsened the pain within,
It offered me nothing other than more frustration for myself,
Aside from this blog post and short stories,

And of course,
That’s just “the tip”,
Of the tip,
“Of the iceberg”,

Those who go through their confident out of touch emotions,
Those who unquestionably, unapologetically dump their emotions on me,
who have made me believe that I’m the one who “should apologize”,
just keep themselves shut down,
In their world views,
In their highest known level of comfort,
And don’t question how they treat me,
In order to avoid guilt,
or whatever form of inner discomfort,

Based on my judgments..
They don’t try to be a better force,
For whatever reason,
And another assumption why I have,
About why they just keep getting through the day in a shallow,
surface level way,
Instead of seeking everlasting deepening, expanding,
fulfilling truths,
Is because,
They have not been faced with the same levels of atypical learning and emotional struggle..
They weren’t atypically challenged like me,
So they weren’t forced to open to self/spiritual development paths,
In order to self-improve themselves enough for survival,
Since,
IN THAT REGARD,
they didn’t,
And still don’t,
have as rough of a struggle,

Yet they’ll assume it’s me who acts “crazy”,
They would assume it’s me who’s the culprit of bad energy,
They assume I’m the one to blame for all my adversity,
With no regard to judgmental superficial unconscious abuse, and/or exclusion, and/or mistreatment of those atypically challenged like me,
With all their developmental adversity,

It’s just too bad,
We could be directing our energy,
in so much better directions,

Yet we waste so much of it,
Due to undeveloped awareness,
So we create more of a mess for ourselves,
Whether it’s personal,
Or social/human tragic, catastrophic struggle on a macro level,

Although in certain ways we may consider ourselves to be “comfortable”,

I still feel,
Or believe that many of us,
Are far more capable

While on the retail floor,
Condensing items on another day,
I see and hear a young girl,
crying,
As she strolls behind her mom (or caretaker),

As the girl cries,
walking behind the mother pushing the cart,
The mother says,
“It’s your fault”,
Then the girl’s crying continues,
While the mother’s stern emotional numbness continues,

In my belief,
It’s NOT the girl’s fault,
Including,
For being at the stage of development she’s at,

In my belief,
Whatever we do,
At whatever age,
Is on the surface,
Is shaped,
By our innate predispositions,
in combination,
with life environmental experience (such as awareness of and types of support..),
And does NOT,
indicate any significant level of,
Deep,
Clear,
True essence,

Although I don’t know the context,
Unlike the opinion of a spokesperson,
Who I spoke to at the college I went to,
Who was promoting his “Westboro Baptist Church”..
on “Sin awareness day”,

Since he was saying we as children,
“start out evil”,
I have to say that,
Although children may have less awareness,
and less ability for self-control,
I do NOT believe that children are “evil”,

To say it again,
In my belief,
Children’s actions,
Largely result,
From their stage of development,
In combination,
With influencing forces,
From all of their external environment,
Hence,
Like the example he used,
If they,
“eat something they ‘know they’re not supposed to’”,
Calling them “evil”,
Or saying humans “start off as ‘evil’”,
In my belief,
Is NOT a way to describe it..
And as he said after I asked “why?”
By saying,
“Because it’s in the book”,
Dismisses any further discussion regarding it,

Saying “it’s in the book”,
Does not help lead me,
To any understanding why many would believe that,
Aside from that closed-minded beliefs,
Take away pressure,
If not, a fun spirit of exciting adventure,
For discovering more,

HOWEVER,
Since in my opinion,
Ignorance does NOT guarantee “bliss”..
Since,
The less ignorant we are,
The more aware we may be,
Of how much more fulfillingly we may be able to experience existence,
?

Saying “we stare off as evil ‘because it ‘says it in the book’’”,
Seemingly,
Also,
Dismisses that,
At stages of development,
We have not yet developed levels of rational,
ethical control,
And throughout life,
The environments we remain in,
Will shape our ability to cultivate that,
Hence just saying “it’s just ‘evil’”,
Offers no clear,
Offers no adequate deeper needed understanding for teaching needed behavior,
Believing in dualistic,
Surface level “moral certainty” of “good and evil”, is toxic and limits,
In my belief,
Our thinking and awareness ability,

The more we conveniently reinforce simplistic,
Dualistic views,
The more unconscious and numb,
We become,

In my belief,
Decisions (or choices) we make,
Result from our inner FOUNDATIONAL,
Ability to make decisions (or choices),
Which was developed,
By environmental experiences,
And influences we had throughout our life,

Since doing what is “good”,
May feel good,
Regardless of our actual ability to do good,
When we’re rationally aware,
I believe we all want to do good,
Aside from,
Knowing we’re doing good may make us feel more of what we want to feel.. which is.. more “good”, or better.. yes..

But whatever we do,
I believe that,
It’s only the surface,
Of who we really are,
So we can’t be judged,
By actions we do on the surface,
Since our true essence,
Is far deeper,
Is far greater,

I highly doubt,
That the girl would be able to comprehend,
why her mom would say,
“It’s your fault”,

Of course,
Wherever internally the mother is at,
In my belief..
It’s too bad she didn’t cleanse her frustration,
And maybe instead,
She could have said,
to her daughter (as I assume),
Something like “it’s okay”,
In a gentle way,
So,
At least in that moment,
Her daughter’s development could continue in a clearer way,
Instead of, (as I understand..)

..

Instead of being shamed for something she couldn’t yet understand,
Etc, etc,

Yes,
I believe that many,
Including the mom,
Including the man promoting the Westboro Baptist Church,
Struggle in various ways I can’t see,

And aside from my beliefs,
From what I witnessed on the surface,
Understandable reasons for why we do what we do,
To whatever rational or irrational extents,
May be greater understood or felt,
Far underneath,
or somehow far beyond,
The surface in which we see them to whatever extent in our day to day lives,
on TV,
In history books,
News articles,
Etc, Etc..

Maybe I can’t describe this,
Or maybe words can’t either,
For one,
We hear words as sound,
On the surface,
?

Words are just letters,
syllables,
affirmations,
The surface of describing parts,
levels (etc.),
of emotions,
Experiences,
Assumptions,
Present conclusions,
What we believe to be basic understandings,
or profound realizations,

?

Again,
Regarding who I assume to be the mom,
Regarding the fanatical preacher..
Although I can’t always take in too much bad energy,
I don’t try to judge surfacely,
And yes,
Finding a suitable,
Equanimous middle,
In my belief obviously..
Requires,
Ongoing practice sufficiently consistently,

But what concerns me,
To different levels,
And sometimes makes me painfully,
Paranoid unexpectedly,

Is the foundation,
For sustaining and/or advancing,
Free,
Functional,
Non-brutal,
Civilized,
Or I guess,
Sufficiently peaceful,
Internally equanimous,
Society,

Yes,
What is said to be “free”,
Often isn’t according to me,
Among many,

However,
Since in my belief,
Our internal experiences,
Are foundational,
For external society..
Since it seems,
The internal is the roots of the external,

How the most who were raised,
Who underlie,
Or who are the “driving force”,
Of,
The most operation,
And function,
In the world society,
First came into being,
After they were born into this physical form,
And influenced (as well),
From their experiences,
Starting of course..
After birth and when they were very young,

So,
Seemingly according to me,
How we treat our young,
Influences the future foundation,
Regarding functional civilization,

Regardless that everyone is freely entitled to their beliefs,
Regardless that I believe there’s always more to know,
And (seemingly, according to me) that we “can’t fully know everything”,

Also,
in my belief,
enforcing beliefs or punishing those who “don’t believe” (or share beliefs),
SHUTS DOWN any room for new belief..
Regardless,
I would like to share my belief that,
“Needing” to “fear” God implies that God is a “separate entity” who must me “worshipped” which does NOT align with DEMOCRATIC values,

In my belief..
I just want to say it,
Even if for this post it’s “not appropriate”..
I just want to share my belief that,
I believe,
God is intended,
As a life force in which we are and exist as physical manifestations as “waves” of this life force (God)..
So.. it (God) is intended..
To keep us in touch,
With true infinite different forms,
Of everlasting power,
For internally bettering ourselves,
And therefore,
Functioning better externally,

Belief systems may have formed from common experiences and hallucinations?
Will I get sucked into what I now believe as delusions,
I don’t know,
And as for what’s really,
Really,
True,
Do enough,
Adequately,
Truly,
Know?

To say it again..
Does an adequate amount,
of beings know what is adequately true?

As for the title,
And my belief(s)..
How we are feeling in the internal,
Is foundational,
Is the foundation,
For our actions,
And energy,
That to some individual degree,
Influence whatever is functional (regardless why it is and how ethical),

So I guess it’s a simple equation,
That the better we cultivate our inner foundation,
Since birth,

The better we cultivate and sustain important,
needed inner development,
Which underlies (in my belief),
All external levels of coexisting,
Interdependent functioning,

The more fulling experiences we can attain,
In the physical environment we experience and are part of,
As our own manifestation from total life consciousness..

Yes..
Many may categorize this simplistically as “new age” and dismiss this unapologetically, confidently abrasive (or I guess..),
Just,
CALLOUSLY

But in a nutshell,
The equation seems that,

The better we internally are,
The better we externally function,

Or that the more stable we are internally,
The more stable our foundation is externally,
Since,
Our internal awareness,
Underlies,
External functioning,
External existence,
Right?

So I believe in,
Everlasting awareness,
For the internal,
Overall,
Whole,
Foundation,

..

I have more to say,

I want to emphasize that,
With all the fear,
That power feeds off of,
Since fearful people,
Are desperate to be protected,
Whether it’s rational,
OR,
Unconscious and brainwashed,
By fearful people in power,
Who fear vulnerability,
Who believe in brutality,
World dominance,
and thought control,
Such as by telling the public that “they must follow what they say in order to stay safe from ‘evil’”,
Is a way of obsessively trying to avoid disorder,
By sustaining hierarchy and order,
By sustaining ignorance,
Through others who can’t see thought control since their thoughts have been controlled for them to not see it,
And since their ignorance,
Fear based apathy,
Prevents them from becoming informed of everlasting possible fulfilling ways of experiencing wherever in the present,
As they consume to fill their void,
Insatiably,

In order to NOT become excessively materialistic,
In order to NOT become excessively nihilistic,
We STILL,
must AVOID fanatical,
however delusional alternative ideologies and/or ways of existence..
That form,
of off irrationally disproportionate fear,
As well,

(Well.. aside from my (belief (or ideology)), regarding needing to avoid destructive beliefs and/or ideologies.. Especially by realizing if our alternative is worse, different but no better, or.. advancing and HEALING (for example))

So in my belief,
NOT turning to fearfully,
“control the external”,
But cultivating peace and equanimity in the INTERNAL,

Is,

In my belief,

FOUNDATIONAL,

Whatever facts, information, understandings and beliefs we take in,
My hope is that,
Our inner awareness will be sufficient developed as an adequate FOUNDATION,
To fruitfully,
Address,
Or heal,
Whatever part or parts we can,
Of the micro and/or macro world suffering and/or dysfunction,

Again,
In my belief,

Inner awareness,

Is a crucial,

Foundation,

As for this post,
Instead of being sidetracked by particular political issues,
What is the heart of all issues,
What is the driving underlying force,
That needs healing,
Understanding,
Cleansing,

What is it,

Regardless of our beliefs in “going about it”,
Regardless of our beliefs in “facilitating it”,
“It” being inner discovery or ongoing enlightenment,
To heal society or whatever environment,
We’re grappling with,
In the present (for example)..
I believe we must remain COGNIZANT,
(Which (based on my understanding), essentially means “aware”.. Yet somewhat rhymes on it’s last syllable with the word environment (?)),
Of the dominant,
Inner,
Personal,
Therefore,
Foundational,
Social/Economic/Political
Force,

How does our inner foundation,
Need to heal or cleanse,
To therefore further heal and cleanse,
All of the world’s present dysfunction?

To me,
That seems to be an important question,
Or,
Thought,

I therefore believe,
It’s foundational to be mindful,
Or aware,
Of the,

Foundation

I listen to lots of words,
That I believe come from definitions,
And experiences that form them,
From experiences I’m not sure I experienced,

?

My letters that I have to create a new word,
Have been passed down to me,

As far as I can see,
There’s still a limited number of letters..

If I don’t have letters,
Then I can draw,
Pictures,

If I can’t draw pictures,
Then I can use sound,

And if others can’t understand,
Or hear,

That may kill my reasonableness,
Into,
Mere,

Fear

?