My friend who used to bully me is now an engineer, My present success as an underemployed stock clerk doesn’t come near, Society would make it “clear”,

I heard bullying “shrinks the brain,”As for learning and social disabilities, I didn’t feel he experienced similar pain, Unfortunately I’m too sensitive for this life’s cruel game, What a shame,

All that tension and anxiety that he exacerbated has greatly inhibited me, Because of him and others I’ve developed extreme OCD to try to attain security,

I get desperate and in danger of being forced on excessive medication from the pharmaceutical industry, FUCK YOU TOO QUIGLEY!!

Oh how y’all made me suffer greatly!! But you’ll just say “learn to take a joke” obviously..

After you see it through my autistic lense then come talk to me, Y’all don’t fucking know what you made me!!

As for society, Instead of exacerbating my insecurity, Such as shaming me for stuff that I know is wrong with me, Instead of making fun of me to try to selfishly attain more of your own “security”, Maybe think of something healing to offer me?

And I’ll do my best to reciprocate, Forgiveness I’m still trying to cultivate, Of course I don’t really want to just feel hate, It’s evident that doesn’t make us feel great..

As we stumble through this conscious physical reality, Although we can’t change anybody, We can protect ourselves consciously, I’m not the best example clearly.. but as I try.. and I think it’s clear why, since I stumble greatly at being that compassionate non-judgmental guy, And I don’t mean to excuse, But if you’ve been in my shoes,

You’ll know why..

And thanks to my level of OCD.. it took me two fucking hours to put my shoes on just “perfectly”.. Look at the fucking insecurity they gave me!! Man.. I can go on and on for so fucking long!!

Still working on moving on..

And like I said I ain’t selling out to the billion dollar drug industry because “quick fix” with no bad side effects is just fantasy..

I can’t “fix” a problem if I block it out, Yeah I get it if it’s an emergency that’s different but it’s balance..

But just to throw it out there.. don’t let the possibly fabricated evidence fool you that your mental health difficulty is a “chemical imbalance”, we know about the effects of traumatic life experience.. if we take a look inwardly at our experience, If the researchers say “we think it’s a chemical imbalance”, we still know we all are differently effected by the same and different experience.. We can realize that society has different effects on different beings consciously.. Don’t conform just to comfort yourself with the belief that “there’s nothing wrong with society”, and this “survival of the fittest” mentality…

Yeah I can do better at being “in my body” so I don’t unconsciously react to non-dealt-with emotions that can make me explode and cause catastrophe for me and others in society..

Yes.. it get’s better, what’s painful “won’t last forever” and although it’s obvious, as I said before, we can use a “reminder” to hopefully help us reduce how much we suffer,

As always, I don’t intend cruel judging.. just venting..

Thanks for reading

I don’t intend any guilt afflicting but acknowledging that..

If one’s environment is harder, but they don’t feel as hard, then they have it easier,

If someone is at war but not at war internally, physically or emotionally.. and if I’m at home suffering from anxiety and OCD due to bullying history, then that person at war presently has it easier than me, same goes for fighting fire or whatever the external adversity,

If someone can make better choices that lead to more fulfilling outcomes than me, If they’re around an environment that’s more catering to their predispositions, they’ll more likely stay in a better and better position,

If they can easier tolerate pain and cultivate tolerating pain easier, then they have it easier,

If their experiences lead to greater appreciating that’s a blessing,

But it eventually makes it easier as for the sake of reminding,

That person has it easier than me,

I better get back to work so I don’t get in trouble,

But even though my job is easy,

This OCD which exacerbated due to my history is really fucking killing me,

But I’ll keep going, practicing how I know will increase it’s passing, because the dominant systems won’t make it better for me in totality,

It can be hard to tell who really has it easier, We can never completely be sure,

I try to remember it can get easier, but I do need reminders

I feel sorry for myself,

Feel I can’t fit in then worry about messing everything up for everyone else,

I believe we’re interconnected, individual and morally responsible,

I fear the most painful physical pain in isolation, can’t fully understand other’s total situation

I believe in nonviolence, safety, and working together without creating excessive, collective pain, hatred and judging

I don’t always understand networking but want to fit in and not create, increase or perpetuate harm, 

I try to feel before I decide and not focus on what’s negative and unnecessarily repetitive

I try to help myself, not harm myself and anyone else, hope that believing in and practicing self-care and selflessness will create less internal and external pain,

I dream that all sentient beings around me stay increasingly peaceful, helpful and sane,

I hope we can let go of what hurt us in the past so we don’t repeat it,

I believe in staying present and not over-analyzing and clinging to judgement

I feel I can’t fully understand and feel what other beings feel,

I hope the pain that I can’t handle doesn’t stay infinitely real, I hope we all morally feel what’s real and don’t cause to much pain,

I hope to remain safe, careful, sane, avoid immense pain and stay around others who do the same,

I just hope that if I’m not mentally and emotionally there someone will take proper care of me,

There’s still someone in this dysfunctional society

The more present I am,

The more I can appreciate,

The more I can consciously understand and the more I can avoid destructive anger,

The more I can avoid hate,

The more I understand,

That more words does not always guarantee more meaning,

The more I can enjoy not over-explaining,

This takes remembering,

Practicing,

Reinforcing,

If I forget something worth writing,

I can trust that with continued practice,

I may encounter something with greater meaning,

Regardless,

It’s just being

Maybe I’ll be on a TV show like “1000 Ways to Die,”

All this insensitivity just makes me insecure and want to self-validate by using a cool rhyme like cry,

I know sometimes rhymes are common but I try,

I just wrongfully told my mom to “shush” aggressively so she doesn’t interfere with my one wine glass spontaneity,

I haven’t drank in awhile and must tell you so I’m not viewed as a “light-weight” so I can self-validate,

This ego culture I hate,

People sarcastically say on TV that “money doesn’t buy happiness,” and then say “but hey, you may want some nice surroundings” …..

They can rub it in your face,

Because they know you’re scared of their power.. 

They may bribe desperate people to do whatever.. 

They know it’s not fair but haven’t cultivated conscious care,

To some extent we’ve all been there,

But we know,

Wherever we are,

There’s always elsewhere,

A place with,

True care

Happy New Year!!

If I’m expressing my emotions in a harmless way,

Regardless of the level of logical accuracy they may or may not convey,

I’m seeking to be heard,

As well as intending to be open to receiving empathic conscious offering, 

I’m NOT looking to be challenged,

I’m NOT looking to be judged,

I’m NOT looking to be categorized,

I’m NOT looking to be dismissed, 

Too often this is what I have felt other’s responses have missed,

I don’t always feel happy about the energy I’ve felt and witnessed,

I’m looking to be heard,

I’m looking to be felt,

I’m looking to be understood,

I’m looking to find empathy to feel a truer part of humanity,

Instead of unconsciously feeling increasingly alone and out of touch with reality,

I’m looking to expand the level I consciously feel and understand, which I feel can get clearer infinitely, 

I wish,

To know and remember that deep down I’m not alone in this physical existence,

Not being able to control the conscious degree of how others respond to me is something I know,

I can’t control how others treat me,

Although,

Internally I can practice,

Letting go,

Letting flow,

Not forcing,

Letting be,

Spontaneity, 

I can,

Witness,

Be with,

Detach,

I wish for less distracting,

Less inner pressure,

Less tension,

Less clinging to expectation,

Less resisting,

I wish for allowing invariably increasing serene accepting of any moment of being,

More present opening to discovering and appreciating,

I cannot expect from others zero disrespect,

I cannot expect from others zero cruelness,

I can consciously be with while letting go of resistance through daily persistence,

If I forgot to meditate, or whenever I’m not,

I can still remind myself to do this,

To internally be with and detach whatever I witness as I respond to whatever I encounter in my present physical form of consciousness,

I’m not always seeking advice and I try not to intend to offer unless asked,

I can only respond to others based on the level I understand too what they share as a result of my consciousness awareness state.. 

I’m just trying to express to whoever chooses to read this,

Or write for whoever chooses to read,

And hopefully one day make a living at this,

Or at least get truer and truer, clearer and clearer fulfillment at this,

I want to be at peace, 

I can’t totally control bliss,

I can practice by “being with” and “detaching” in experience as I already said,

I hope to experience less internally painfully anywhere but in this case less in my head.. 

Enough or more I feel was said,

For now.. 

I’m feeling too in my head,

I’ll try to mediate sometime before bed,

Although I may write thoughts obsessive compulsively,

Although I may not always remember or decide to write every new and fleeting thought worth remembering, or write a deeper and clearer way of describing,

I trust that whatever is true can always come to me, more clearly

My writing feels best if it’s not just me, but divine essence conveying truthfulness, I’m trying my best continually..

I sometimes feel I feel the ocean of divine presence, in which I’m a wave perpetually,

The divine is us, me and passes through me, Solid, space, any feeling place,

If I let it be me I’ll emanate helpful, gentle authenticity, Not letting my ego cloud my clear spontaneous spontaneity is hard for me, Like how it wants to remember to say there’s no final truth that gives us one hundred percent certainty, But I do believe divine essence may always help us no matter the extent of pain, horror and adversity,

Aside from my beliefs, divine essence doesn’t need to exclude separate souls or deities, one or many, There may always be interconnected divine energy, regardless of conscious experience and existential reality, May our true nature always have something to show us, To always let us know as experience tells us,

I try experiencing with the most fulfilling meaning, Not judging with ill feeling, Not labeling as “mentally ill” or identifying overly based on pathologizing, or categorizing others with views that are differing, Nothing is always symmetrical and we’re all made of the same stuff and are the same stuff that is one true being,

To whatever extent I’m embodying what I’m expressing, Whatever form or non form.. We including me are always experiencing something,

As for energy I haven’t been doing the best lately, I try saying “hi” and I feel people react uncomfortably, I know I struggle being social, I’m on a hike and my heart feels painful, I wish everything didn’t feel so conditional, It’s okay to show supportive understanding of another’s struggle,

Handling intensity like reacting to cruel judgmental energy is always a struggle, But what’s really real may always be hopeful, I know I’m not ultimately an autistic label,

But whatever I have done, whatever I am or how I am aspiring, Clearing the clouds of clinging creates clear formless being, Although I don’t always feel clear, I try remembering,

I really try expressing without condescending or disclaiming although I know saying this is disclaiming in case of anything, I try clearing and freeing,

Clearing and freeing

Not forcing inhaling and exhaling, Any body sensation witnessing,

Non-forcibly, formlessly flowing

Clearing, unraveling, opening and accessing, Free spontaneous being