I just want my thoughts to take control,
Instead of cultivating thinking and talking self-control,
Or non-trolling self-control,
Non-bloviation energy exacerbation..

Whatever I must pursue to avoid contributing painfully unfortunate,
If not,
For my individual physical form,
AND/OR other’s,

Catastrophic situations

In my belief(s),
And/or prediction(s),

If we don’t find a way to NOT let our impulses control us..,
No matter how woke we are or whatever,
Well..
Our situation may get worse all together,

If we don’t find a way,
To NOT allow our impulses,
To control us..
Well..
Time will catch up,
and we’ll more likely have a greater number of,
and more painful regrets,
that are therefore,
way harder to accept,
Cleanse,
and be with,

If we don’t find a way,
To not let our impulses control us,
We’ll cultivate less strength,
In a needed helpful direction,
..
Which to me feels obvious,
Yet since I struggle to do this..
I just,
Feel a need to REMIND myself of this

To me..

The reality is,
I assume that,
Most members in all groups,
don’t accept me for who I presently am and how I presently struggle,
So staying as sane as can be,
For me,
Is an ongoing painful challenge constantly,

The reality is,
That the more negativity there is,
The more harmful unconscious emotional energy there is from others,
The more likely I’ll get contaminated by it,
The more likely I’ll get destroyed,
if not killed by it..

The reality is,
that denying it,
won’t heal it,
won’t cleanse it,

The reality is,
That trying to ignore it,
Trying to push it down,
Trying to inwardly compact it,
Will make it grow and take over our consciousness,
As it builds in us in whatever directions,
With a force similar to a garbage “baler and compactor”,
And even if that wasn’t the most precise metaphor..
Well..
I think I adequately painted the picture,

..

The reality is,
I can express how I feel,
in a civilized way,
Yet,
If I don’t see a way,
to not excessively whine about it,
Or if I don’t see a way to NOT add more unconscious negative energy to it,
The processes of healing as much I can of it,
Will LESS likely work,

The reality is,
Although my reality could be infinitely worse,
The reality still is,
There’s too many assholes,
And..
I’m also too hypersensitive,
Due to innate hypersensitive emotional reaction tendencies and learning struggles that got exacerbated by less innately vulnerable,
yet other insecure young individuals,
..
So finding the middle,
Detaching from dangerous unconsciousness,
Cleansing all the built up insecurity in me that makes me more vulnerable in environments of toxic energy,
Takes for me,
Proper consistent practice,
Or else,
It’ll MORE likely,
Destroy me even more than how others treating me like shit,
has unconsciously limited and/or inhibited me already,

To me based on the way I presently see (as always),
And..
Not to wish harm on anybody,
But instead of the institutions forcing me to take medication due to emotional difficulties in response to others being mean to me,
Why don’t the culprits of the harmful energy take the medication instead of me?

Yeah I get it..

Medication does NOT heal the sources of it,
It must only be used for true emergencies,
Yet,
I’m just tired of being blamed for feeling a certain way in response to how others treat me,
I’m just tired of making an effort to be nice to many others who don’t seem to know how to and/or make a similar effort..,

Clearly..
Bad and unkind energy,
is more likely to make the world a bad an unkind place,
Since in my belief (as always),
Enough good energy may contribute to healing the source of bad behavior,
To see clear,
And instead of focusing on unconscious inner toxic vengeance,
Why not try to cleanse past pain,
For a collective path towards ongoing increasingly profound satisfying present life experience..?

The reality is,
it’s too bad and sad,
That I’m dismissed as a hopeless dreamer,
Since I dream about what people are VERY capable of doing,
Although the unconscious impulsive and/or obsessive and/or insecure forces they’re locked in,
Prevent them from doing this..,

The reality is,
As my dad said empathetically,
And is what I see in me,
Thanks to the damn self-absorbed culture (among other stuff I mentioned),
Being passed down and permeating the consciousness of others who inflicted it on my atypical learning and emotional adversity,
My self-confidence has been..
ERODED,
IMMENSELY!!

The reality is,
Whether I remain in mainstream society or not,
I’m always going to encounter bullies,
assholes,
in whatever form,
race,
gender,
sexuality..
WHATEVER..
..
Who make what’s very hard for me,
So much harmfully harder,
Therefore,
Making it so much harder for me,
To NOT hit an emotional breaking point,
And therefore..
making my situation,
Whether I’m conscious of it or not,
Pointlessly,
So much damn HARDER,

The reality is,
If I don’t fit in to dysfunctional mainstream society,
I may be more vulnerable to what I believe is a “like-minded” community,
But is unconsciously a cult,
extremist ideology,
Or some group even WORSE or DANGEROUS for me than mainstream society..
So who is TRUTHFULLY sufficiently like-minded..?
Which people will truthfully make it less painful for me..?
Freakin seriously!!

Yes..
There are good people I know and trust,
Yet,
I just wanted to vent..,

..

The reality is,
To emphasize this although I kinda already (to whatever extent implicitly or explicitly) discussed this..,
If I don’t properly cultivate conscious self-control,
My unconscious hypersensitivity,
Will brutally add to my built up insecurity,
Therefore increasing emotional instability,
Which will further endanger me,
Of reacting in a way that’s life threatening,
To the next dickhead that blasts unconscious meanness at my unconscious immensely insecure emotional hypersensitivity,

So if the best environment I can find is still not a presently suitable one for where my awareness and inner painful emotional weight is at,
Well..,
I just have to find a way to consistently stay as strong as I can,
I must consistently clear and avoid as much emotional/awareness toxins from filling me as much as I can,
Because if I don’t,
The insatiable external seeking,
Inner processing disregarding,
Mainstream dysfunctional world,
As I said and/or thought about before and before..,
Will harm me even more,

To rephrase what I said before,
Another day,
May always entail plenty other dickheads in whatever forms to any extents,
Yet..
If I don’t have awareness for detaching from the world of unconsciousness,
It may spread,
To my head,
And knowing my innate atypical higher emotional and learning vulnerabilities,
And all the exacerbated insecurity in me..
What it would do to me,
Might be worse than most of everybody..?

I wish,
for no autism,
In my future present reality,

So,
The reality is,
I MUST sustain awareness,
To make it more likely,
That I’ll stay as safe as my present ability allows me to,
In this reality,

The reality is that most probably will..,
probably put insufficient to no effort,
into understanding and emphasizing with this,
Yet will just instead conveniently dismiss this,
due to the pernicious unconsciousness forces of harmful insecurity and low-confidence creating hopelessness, discouragement and resulting in laziness.. and/or whatever form to whatever extent(s) of individual or group craziness,

The reality is,
It’s just how,
There’s always more understanding beyond the walls of judgment,

I don’t intend judgment,
Just trying to somewhat explain what I believe,
What I think I feel,
In this present,

I wish for feeling less locked in obsessive compulsiveness,
which is what dominant unconscious bullying ego energy gave me,
..
I wish cleansing didn’t feel as painfully challenging and/or painfully unattainable and/or painfully unreachable for me,

I wish I felt more others shared a similar intention,
So I’d feel less alone in my attempt at self/spiritual improvement/awareness cultivation,

I wish,
Although life could be way worse,
I wish,
That others we’ll realize,
We’re capable of way more,

I wish,
Regardless of whatever extent(s) my belief(s) are wrong or right,
I wish,
To feel that more was functioning with continual less and less suffering,

I don’t always feel sure,
if most,
if not all what I say is too confusing and/or misleading..
Just another passing feeling..

And/or feelings..

If I didn’t have the words,
The cruel energy would kill me,
Far more painfully,

If I didn’t have the words,
To make myself clear,
So others will more likely dismiss less,
Yet be more LIKELY,
more willing,
To hear more of the rest,
Of what I have to say,
..
I’d harmfully compress and suppress,
Less,

If I didn’t have the words,
I’d be less likely to clearly remember what I need to,
Such as the word “breathe”,
To increase my chances of regaining focus,
And not becoming dangerously unaware and unconscious,

If didn’t know the word “notice”,
I might more likely NOT notice,
Getting sucked into toxic energy,
Instead of reminding myself to NOTICE,
It passing through me (instead of filling me),
And detach from it consciously,
So “Noticing”,
To me,
Is the first step,
Towards cleansing,

Today while driving the flat bed at work,
When yelling “Excuse me!”
To an old man shopper so he could hear me,
He turned around and sarcastically yelled,
“That was so polite!!”,
And I said,
Essentially,
“No one is polite to me”, (referring to people who act like he was in that moment obviously.. Since of course that has felt often, yet NOT always the case..)
And however that made him feel,
To whatever extent he heard it or not..,
As I expected,
He then didn’t respond to me..

But if I didn’t have the words to describe that,
I’d be less likely to inwardly cleanse it,
Whether by reminding myself to write about it,
And I’d be less likely,
To notice my breath,
And the inward gradual detachment from the toxic energy,
So it won’t make me blind,
So it won’t control my inner feelings and mind,

And I’ve had so much meanness thrown at me,
And since for most of my life I didn’t have the words to remind me,
Of what to remember to prevent the energy from overtaking me,
I’ve developed brutal insecurity,
That’s been built up unconsciously,
So.. so much,
That..
Well,
It really bothers me,
And makes it harder for me to not conveniently block it out in ways that’s harmful for me,
Like recreational self-quick-fix-medicating,
Which when sober,
Will make,
And has made,
balancing the exacerbated insecure emotions,
EVEN HARDER..

Although I can’t possibly write everything bad that’s happened to me,
Every act of cruelness others did to me,
If I didn’t have the words,
To explain at least some of what I see as the big picture,
As for me it would more likely be inner torture,

(Or if I “could write everything painful others did to me”, my descriptions won’t likely be clear.. and I wouldn’t want to do that obsessively, because I want to focus on creating a bigger and bigger, clearer and clearer picture when writing, evidently..),

Well,
Although in my belief,
Words exist on the surface,
since they’re not the actual experience,

Although I believe that words can,
If used properly,
Be an opening to understanding,
if not emphasizing with,
Deeper and Deeper,
Clearer and Clearer,
experience,
Or however they make present experience a more meaningfully felt experience..,
?

So.. in other words,
To me,
It seems that,
Feelings in response to experience,
exist below the surface of words,

So although,
words,
still,
may remind me,
Of what I NEED to (or could) experience more deeply,

Of course,
In my belief,
Words can’t describe perfectly,

But if I didn’t have words,
Well,
As of where I’m at now,
I don’t know where I’d be,
Or may have done,

So aside from all the other creative outlets,
And inner healing methods,
Etc, etc..,
Although writing doesn’t completely and/or permanently heal me,
Although painful experiences I write about,
May still subsequently come back and cause pain in me,

Still..,

If I did not have words,
to express what I felt a need,
to write,
I believe I would less likely feel alright,

Aside from all the options of alleviating our pain through the hard moments,
Although I can always learn clearer and clearer words to describe experiences I feel a need to describe,
Or take a deeper and clearer look at,
For a clearer and deeper understanding,

Well,
For me,
Finding the words to share how I’m presently struggling,
Although it doesn’t guarantee and or any extent of a permanent alleviation to the pain and frustration,
Well..,
Having words,
Makes helps make me feel in control,
Because it helps me understand and remember,
To stay safe,
And cleanse as much as I can,

The ways I suffer

Practically speaking once again..
For our own self-interests,
Of increasing the likelihood of better internal,
external and whatever type of experience(s),

And speaking for myself especially,
And regardless of how much toxic forces unconsciously built up in me,
An unconscious sense of identity..
No matter how strong of a “hold” it has on me.. consciously..,

Still..

I must NOT be held back by any type of inner insecurity,
Because,
Even if lots of painful insecurity is still with me,
Clearly,
All I can do,
Is what I know I must,
To increase the highest likelihood of clearing those inner unconscious toxins,

Whether it’s internal conscious detaching,
untangling and cleansing,

..

Whether it’s keeping a job,
..
And if the only job I can find is in a difficult environment,
And when it adds MORE painful difficulty,
To whatever painfully difficult state of consciousness (or I guess unconsciousness) I may be already in..
Still..
Sticking with how I know to keep..
Moving along and staying strong,
While not being consumed by even more toxic unconsciousness,
Must
STILL,
be the commitment,

Even though it may be obvious,
I still must REMIND myself that if I stick with it,
I’ll most likely attain the best of it,
And the worst part will,
Although there’s NO guarantee,
Still..
Most likely pass,
..
Or most likely will at least,
mitigate,
alleviate,
subside..
Eventually,

So by committing my attention,
In a direction that’ll more likely guarantee a less painful present experience (inner, external, etc..),

Well..

Doing the best I can at that,
At sustaining my attention in the most likely helpful direction,
(Or direction that is most likely to be overall helpful..),
Is all I can do,

Since,
As I believe,
The roots of pain and insecurity are internal,
My attention must be inwardly..
And according to me as always..,
I would assume,
The more I inhale,
Notice the inner cleansing flowing through me,
And Exhale,

And in the middle of the inhale,
While noticing the bad energy pass either around or through me,
While recognizing that my consciousness can eventually detach from the poisoned unconsciousness,

That my consciousness can become NOT distorted by it,
That my consciousness can become conscious and NOT unconscious,
That my consciousness can follow on a path towards greater and greater inner awareness capability and discovery,
At the fastest pace it can presently proceed at,

Well,
As for all my insecurity and OCD that’s still with me while I continue doing surfacely what I must do that’s productive such as working towards a career,
And any other essential areas of being adequately self-sustaining,
Well,
To not let bad feelings unconsciously grow and destroy me,
I must also,
In any moment,
Remember to ask myself,
How am I feeling?
..
Is there any need for cleansing?
Am I still consistently trying to clear my awareness to make room for greater and greater discovery of more of what there infinitely is to notice and experience?

Where can my attention be focusing?
To truly experience the most I presently can,
In whatever I’m doing and experiencing,

And yes,
I know,
Even with a lot of self-help,
While still surrounded by dominant toxic unconsciousness,
It can still be EXTREMELY HARD to adequately consistently remain on a path of fulfilling clearer and clearer consciousness,

Still..

I believe that we,
Yet,
Speaking for myself especially,

I must say that I,
Must remember that I,

Can do this

Regarding my last post,
(And I have now corrected myself by spelling “Klay” instead of “Clay”..)

..

So.. Regarding what I saw on some sports station while on break at work..

It’s okay if you’d rather hear Klay Thompson’s story instead of a one about atypical (autistic) learning learning challenges like mine..,
I get it..

Yes,
Having autism and being in the NBA are both atypical,
And sure..
Being in the NBA is (I would guess..) EVEN less (if not far less) typical than having autism,
But what about those who are more challenged in the tough system..?

Sure,
Klay Thompson definitely had struggles and adversity that I didn’t,
YET,
I have had and still have,
LOTS OF NEUROLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES,
The he does NOT have and was NOT faced with,

NOT saying he “had it easy”,
Yes,
The celebrity basketball player must have had his OWN type of adversity..
as others have in their own ways..
Including Stephen Curry,
And like many if not all of us,
EVIDENTLY..,

Yet,
When I tell others that I also have a story,
One about my adversity with autism,
I wish just WISH that others don’t smirk at me..
I wish they didn’t however cruelly dismiss it,
But even if they don’t have interest or enough time to read or however listen to it,
To just,
Kindly acknowledge it..,

I wish they INCLUDED it,

I don’t mean to be angrily judging them for judgmentally dismissing my story,
And of course (as I said) they do NOT have to read it if they prefer not to,
But if I mention it,
I don’t want them to be mean to me about it,

All they have to do is kindly acknowledge it,
Yes,
It sure is amazing how people like Klay Thompson,
in his own way,
have made it,

But I have been through my own type of shit,
I have had my own type of adversity,
And even though I’m not a celebrity,
Like all others who aren’t either,
We’re ALSO human with our own stories CLEARLY,

And once again..
It’s okay and I’ll try not to judge whoever prefers to not hear about my story..,

But among the least others can do,

Is,

(Instead of smirking at my like one guy on break at work today..)

Just..

Compassionately,

Acknowledge it

How can I remove my awareness from what is hurting it?
How can I remove my awareness from what is clouding my consciousness?

Do I witness as the energy passes,
I think we can infinitely clearly describe this,
Continuously,

in any of the infinite ways we happen to detach from this..

Just thought I’d post this..

….

On the tv while playing Klay Thompson’s story I tell a guy we “all have a story”,
And that I was writing a book about mine with autism and the guy just smirked at me,

Clearly Klay Thompson’s is far more important,

And once again the above stanzas show my insecure angry loser energy,
I’ve stepped on,
And no one cares about my atypical challenges but just care about the non-autistic Klay Thompson,

I don’t follow basketball yet my ego would love to have his kind of attention
Wish I was him,
Don’t mean to judge him,
But that spirit,
Whether or not he has it,

Well,
I wish to experience more of it

So the bad energy doesn’t take out the deepest needed parts of my heart,
I automatically inwardly contract (or tighten?),
In response to other’s impatient emotional attacks (such as the chest and/or abdomen),

The more flak,
The harder it is to not inwardly contract,
The harder it is to not endanger myself by the way I emotionally react,

Others will blow up,
Then to protect myself,
I’ll inwardly close up,

But instead of going through life closed and
contracted,
I must find a way,
To stay clear,
Strong,
Because I know staying contracted is not open,
It’s not my capability,
Of staying strong in my inner positive spirit,
Consistently increasingly,

..

A lot of others don’t seem to take a look at how their mind navigates their awareness,
Sorry if you feel this to be my arrogance,
Yet..
Many might not understand this,
?

They’ll say,
“How can you look at the mind!!?”
“It’s inside you”,
Because they cannot see how they’re viewing it literally,
Since they’re unaware internally,

Emotional awareness, detaching, noticing, breaking down and understanding,
To them,
Seems “other-worldly” unfortunately,

Of course,
This is how my ego compares states of less ego to others who it assumes don’t nearly as often experience,

Still,
I feel,
It’s crucial,
To detach from limiting perceptions,
So they don’t cloud our perceptions,
So they don’t give us hateful wrong assumptions,
So they don’t further endanger us towards tragic interactions,
Due to blindly not controlling intense emotional reactions,
Regardless of the truth in our perceptions,

I guess,
It’s practical,
To cultivate,
Detaching from unconscious reactions,
So we can see clearly,
And proceed with caution,
When responding to urgent,
Or any type of challenging occurrences,

During less ego filled awareness states,
I must use them to join other egoless states to help cleanse the present world state,

Instead of my ego turning my less egotistic states into arrogance and disdain towards others my ego assumes to experience less of this,

Of course this takes consistence,

Inhale, exhale,
But my ego can in whatever new and unexpected ways,
Blind me,
Even when I assume I’m “egoless”,
I can still be unaware of my ego infested unconsciousness..

All the painful negativity,
Insecurity and expectation,
I must detach and notice the energy without being part of it,

I must witness,
Notice,
Instead of just allowing myself to unquestionably react to what I’m able to internally detach, break down and cleanse,

Clearly these are opinions,
And since this is a type of experience,
I still doubt my ability to put it into words will help any who hasn’t experienced this,
Understand this,

Even if they have experienced what I’m trying to say,
And still can’t understand what I’m trying to say,
Well..
I can’t ever precisely describe what I’m feeling anyway,
Since I believe that describing experience,
Is infinite,
in infinite ways,
Or forms,
Of describing

Instead of saying,
“That’s not what I meant”,
They (meaning any others..),
can instead,
Just,
Kindly repeat or rephrase,
what they meant,

Instead of saying,
“I’m going to beat you up”,
Even if they’re aggressively joking towards me,
In response to me unintentionally doing something wrong,
They INSTEAD,
Could kindly,
Let their frustration,
In response to my learning challenges like paying attention,
Pass..
Instead of unconsciously reacting to their inner frustration,
Then blasting it towards me,
Causing me to pay attention,
Even less clearly,
..
Causing the success of whatever team work procedure,
To be.. well.. LESS LIKELY,
..
And..
At least for team spirit..
And as for all that distracting negativity..
Why not..
Join collectively to..
Clear it??
Cleanse it,
Whatever is the best way to put it..
Why not cleanse what’s inwardly holding us back,
To have clearer and clearer inner clarity for reaching and discovering infinite capability,
Internally,
Externally,
Technologically..
Whatever that may be,
Most practically,

Instead of aggressively asking,
“Are you trying to kill me?”
They could correct me,
If they were taught,
Or I guess..
It they had experiences that gave them motivation,
To experience MORE of the good spirit energy..
That is NOT consumed, filled and blinded by toxic negativity,
Regardless of the actual reality,

No matter the reality of negativity,
We..
Don’t need to react with more negative energy,

Even if we have the most painful death imaginable as the reality,
More negative energy,
Will just add more,
And help us cope less,
With whatever painful inevitability,

Instead of aggressively asking..
“Did you not just hear me!!?”
They can kindly repeat themselves,
Empathically,

Yet..
As for where most of our collective awareness seems to be at..
I wouldn’t expect most to get it..
Like I feel it,
Since they blocked it out,
Because it’s been blocked out before them,
And that blocking out of awareness was..
I would guess..
Unconscious and instinctual for survival,

Yet..

I guess enough of our species now sufficiently understands..
We can do more,
If we understand a process,
For the inner healing process,
To process,
Break down,
Understand,
Have our overall conscious awareness,
And needed thinking ability,
Expand,

Instead of saying..
In a non-urgent context..
“Shut your mouth”,
They can say,
“I understand why you feel that way”,
Or..
If the context is urgent and the fewest words thinkable are required..
Instead of reprimanding someone,
Instead of giving them a criticism with zero guidance on another step on another path to follow to feel better,
Well..
Maybe instead,
They can remind whoever they are frustrated with,
As well as themselves,
Too..
“Breathe”..?

Instead of aggressively exclaiming/asking.. (Or mostly exclaiming..),
“What is wrong with you!!!?”
They can say,
“I feel that way too”,
Or hopefully offer,
A helpful suggestion,
such as..
“Here’s something I would do”..

Instead of saying,
“Stop being a pussy”,
Maybe.. just maybe,
They can realize,
If they themselves cultivated healing/cleansing awareness,
They’ll more likely ALSO feel better internally,
They’ll more likely ALSO be less weighed down by stressful excessive negativity,
They’ll more likely ALSO be able to think,
Feel,
And however experience,
Far more fulfillingly,
..
At least..
..
The positives will be MORE LIKELY,
..
As I would guess,
evidently..

Instead of saying,
“You need to have thick skin”,
They can empathically say,
That true strength,
Starts with inhaling,
Exhaling,
And gradual cleansing within..
And of course,
If there’s not enough time to say all that..
Well..
I guess,
They can say,
“Notice your breath”,
??
..
Because how is telling me what I need to,
Have, feel, experience, process, internally cleanse, etc..
Without suggesting to me a clear step to take towards attaining it,
Going to help me further attain it??

Instead of calling someone a…
“Snowflake”,
Maybe we can join together,
And acknowledge our different world views,
While emotionally processing our demons,
In a way we can agree that we all see fit,
So we’ll more likely be able,
To work together,
To be there for each other,
To more and more selflessly,
Figure out practical ways,
To reduce what makes us suffer..
?

Instead of letting judgments from others harm ourselves,
I guess,
We can try more and more to detach from the painful feelings the judgements give us,
To let them pass through or over us without them filling us,
Since,
Whatever others negatively,
Or I guess,
Cruelly think or believe that may..
Or may not be true to whatever extent(s),
Well,
We can just do our best to consistently PRACTICE,
Detaching from HARMFUL ego proving,
And clear our excessive,
Narrow vision,
Of a “need” for ego “security” or “certainty”,
And be free from EXCESSIVE,
not needed,
pointless expectation,
And enjoy the fun stuff that won’t kill us,
Instead of focusing so much on..
well..
STUFF THAT DOESN’T MATTER,

But I know,
I struggle as well,
..
Just hope we struggle less,
And feel better more,

And regardless of what’s inevitable,
As we go on and on in whatever direction(s) we decide,
With all that is new that comes our way,
In whatever ways..,
I guess it’s just important to remember,
To keep asking ourselves,

What is most practical?

Guessing there’s some states of awareness,

The ego blog posts can’t put into words..

As whatever saying says..

Yep.. “it is whatever it is”,

Did anyone say that before I paraphrased the original now..

Don’t know..