Wow..,
Wouldn’t it be awesome if our happiest and least inhibited moments were also moments when we were most compassionately aware!!?

Is that going on somewhere??
Well..,
WHERE!?

Huhhhhhh..,

Why is it when we’re “letting loose” we’re simultaneously “hurting” others!!?

Man oh man..,
Just still trying all I presently feel I can..,

Just..,
How am I missing the implications!!?
Must I have more evaluations and/or prescriptions!!?

Shit..,
Once again I guess I’ll do as I’d guess most prefer which as the implications tell me,
Is “shutting my mouth” constantly,
?

I don’t know..(!?),
And I doubt others do yet they have the external power..,

WHATEVER

Not to waste energy by “blaming others”,

Yet..,
I wish I caught on earlier,

I know I only must focus on this present moment in preparation for the future “present moment”,

However I’d like to share,
That I additionally feel that,
I need to expand my awareness more out of my head,
And I wish I NOT ONLY understood,
Yet felt and utilized what that truly meant,
Far deeper,
Far earlier,

And well,
Although how I view myself at the age I’m at is just NOT how I envisioned it,
NOR truly preferred it,
Yet,
I feel I must keep trying to utilize the ability I developed to the best of my present ability,
Even if I excessively failed to utilize so much that could’ve more truly contributed to develop the greater possibilities within me,

?

And even though,
If I caught on earlier,
If I knew how to prepare and/or handle those inevitable painful encounters..,
Well..,
I just may have developed even stronger,

?

Even though I’m “still young”,
There still could have been so,
So much more,
If I just caught on earlier,

And well,
All I feel I can do is just “focus on my future”,
Including this present moment to develop clearer and stronger,
So may what I’m writing here serve as at least somewhat of a helpful reminder,

At least I’m still here,
At least,
I’m here,

And even if there could have been more “there” way back then,
Well..,

At least as of now,
I feel to be at least somewhat more clear,
Than I was,
So often before

As for how and what people say,
Well..,
What is the energy’s present intention..(?),

And regardless of however much someone claims to be “helping”,
Well..,
For example,
What inner emotional place is the yelling coming from..?

For example:
A place of encouragement..?
OR..,
A place of insecurity utilizing an excuse to dump its anger onto another while simultaneously trying to sustain and increase feeling “powerfully superior”..?

Regardless of “reasons” for why people act certain ways..,
Just..,
What places is the emotionally intense/aggressive “support” truly coming from..?

And as for me,
Well,
There comes a point when I’m NOT just going to keep taking it,
There comes a point when I feel a need to safely and consciously address it,
There comes a point when I feel we need to take a deeper and/or clearer look at it..,
And maybe see what type of energy will really help stuff function and improve far more effectively,

?

And I guess(?) since these types of conversations seem to bore lots of people,
And maybe since we understandably may lack the time and/or energy to converse deeply on top of everything else we may be dealing with presently..(?),
I just also thought I’d post it..,
As for whoever may come across this and decide to read this..,
I guess..(?),

And well..,
I feel that,
(Ideally and I guess practically..(?)),
Certain conversations intended to deepen awareness,
Are hopefully meant to help us,
Instead of add stress and/or negativity..,

Huhhhh..,

And well..,
Are people “not talking about” inner peace development because they’re already just sufficiently focused on actually “practicing it”?
Are lots of individuals NOT feeling a need NOR wanting to talk about it.. because they’re “living it?”
Well..,
To me it just does NOT seem like it,

And NOT to be a hardass about it,
And I feel that being harder on myself will fill me with more negativity that weighs within and limits my present ability,

And I know I can’t change anybody,
I just feel I have to make more peace with my inevitable internal assumption that I strongly DOUBT that most people would actually take what I’m saying seriously..,
Yet,
Thank you to those of you who do and/or any of you who are presently following me,

And as I was trying to say..,
I still think that,
I guess..(?),
It’s still important to look deeply,
And to work on compassionately asking ourselves if we’re really functioning to the best of our present ability,
?
And if not,
To clearly and carefully consider,
What will truly reduce the extent we may UNnecessarily suffer..?

Yep..,
I guess it’s fair to say(?),
The shit continues on..,
And I guess we,
Just have to keep staying more and more strong,
In whatever most presently compatible way(s),
?

And in whatever place we’re at,
Stuck in and/or forced to remain in,
Welp..,
Is it possible to feel in a better place within..?

And I especially feel I need to remember those types of questions,

And I guess I can once again..(?),
Inhale,
Exhale..
Notice the sensations..,
And NOT try to lose energy by fighting an emotional current that inevitably passes through me..,
And my ego hopes others find what I just said there “fancy”,

Yet..,
Even though that insecure ego energy may inevitably pass through me,
Well,
I guess I can practice noticing it while LESS blindly identifying as it..(?),
And I guess..(?),
While noticing whatever energy passes through me,
I can increasingly reduce stress by not adding tension by fighting it,
Because the more I fight the painful emotions,
The more the painful emotions may (in return) fight back(?),

Speaking for myself,
The more I suppress toxic emotions,
The more they’ll grow,
And the more likely the emotions may just cause me to lose sleep and/or burst out of me UNLESS I can find and sustain more inner peace as they pass within me..,
Yet the more I suppress them,
The stronger their force will accumulate for when they blast out..,

And with more inner peace,
I guess I’d be LESS likely to feel as much of a need to express myself to release bad energy that’ll increasingly cause others to avoid and/or report me(?),
Hence,
Speaking ideally,
The more clear inner peace,
The LESS I’ll also feel a need to vent and/or express myself in a way that appears crazy..,

And well..,
I just can not block out the current,
Hence,
I just have to make peace with it,
And I apologize if I’m perpetuating overthinking by over-explaining it..(?),

And I know I’m NO expert at it..,

Yet..,
What am I really continuing to practice and/or accumulate within me..?
And what control does it have over me..?
And/or how aware am I,
Of what underlies how I function externally..?

Inhale,
Exhale,

AHHHHHHH

Although I find myself (at least somewhat) aware of myself internally..(?),
welp,
sometimes I remain oblivious to my impressions externally,
..,
One time someone asked if I had kids..,
Or was it a “wife and kids”..(?),
Anyway..,
I was like..
Seriously..?

Not literally,
Yet internally,
That’s just..,
Not really the impression I’d ever assume to be ever coming out of me..,

I’m like..,
Autistic,
I’m like an..,
Anxious obsessive beta “yes-man”,
Which is just..,
NOT what I’d expect others to expect of a seemingly more “typical” man..,

MANNNNNNNN….,

I wish I felt it to be easier to have more of an “acceptable” impression..,
Instead of how I often view my actual impressions and of course INSTEAD of what I often consider as my “manchild” present situation,
?
Welp..,
Guess it’s “no question”..,

And as of now I’m just venting..,
Yet of course someone else always remains ready to tell me something..,
Even if they won’t want to join me on any spiritual deepening/healing journey..,
Even if all they have to offer are negative stuff they feel to see in me..,

Sometimes it’s too my face,
And hearing certain others constantly talk shit..,
Welp..,
When I’m not around..,
I just..,
Can’t imagine..,
Nor want to..,

Speaking hypothetically..,
It’s never how to do it,
It’s never how to uniquely facilitate doing it..,
It’s “just fucking do it”..,
And even if in certain instances that’s “all there is to it”,
Well..,
What are we truly “getting out of it”,
Just tryna suggest taking a deeper look at however we’re experiencing any inevitable present moment..,

Ohhhh..
Damn..,

I feel I,
Just gotta..,
Keep with it..,
Man,

I just have so much more to say..,
Yet I don’t want certain impressions to go certain ways..,
Yes..,
I feel that..,
We all in some way have to stay focused on making it through another day to some unique extent day by day..,
Hour by hour,
Minute by minute,
Second by second,
Present moment by..,
Yup..,
Present moment,

So as for whatever it is,
I doubt that many understandably will NOT want to listen to me ramble like crazy,
And I wouldn’t either..,
Honestly..,

Huhhhh..,

Ahhhhhhhh man,

I remember when I was being more open to,
Someone who was like..,
“What are you doing!?”
And I was like,
“I thought you said I needed to post more?”,
And he responded by figuratively saying “Well I didn’t say ‘run out into the street while naked!!”,

Huhhhhhhh..,

And well I hope he ain’t reading this since I also blocked him..,
And I hope that no one like him and/or seemingly damaged however tries to hack into my accounts and pull some shit making me look like an unimaginably bigger idiot..,
Ohh that idiot..,
I feel I was such an idiot to ever force myself to try thinking “oh he gets it”..,

As for me I’d say..,
There’s just so..,
So much more to stuff like that toxic idiot..,

And on at least one other platform I share more detail as for experiences similar to those..,
And of course including those..,

Ohhhhhhh,

MANNNN

I still plan to peacefully express the truth I see,
Even if so many will as a result be,
Out to cancel me,

I still plan to peacefully express the truth I see,
Even if this causes more and more to turn against me,

I still plan to peacefully express the truth I see,

And even though that’s my plan,
It still may remain so much easier said than truly manifested..(?),

And well..,
I of course feel that,
Others have the right to disagree,
And,
I can NOT speak for the truth others may uniquely see,
Same as those same others may NOT be able to speak for truth I feel to see,
Deeply within me..,

And no..,
I do NOT believe in canceling anyone for believing in (or unconsciously promoting) “cancel culture”,
HOWEVER..,
May we sustain freedom of speech and/or expression for the better,

May inner truth that we may feel a need to share,
Be allowed to helpfully spread far out there

I feel that,

One way to spot narcissism within someone is to see if that person feels a need to harshly instruct the truth they see,
Which they may consider as the “one and only truth”,

And I feel that,
Since I’m saying “I feel that”,
This is only truth I presently feel to see in me which I feel that anyone is allowed to disagree with since we may view truth differently..(?),
And OF COURSE..,
I also say that..,
Just to at least try NOT to sound too “narcissistic”,

I feel that,

Causes of narcissism could be emotional needs going unmet,
creating deep insecurity that the narcissist tries to solve in ways that never heal the source(s) of their inner emotional insecure pain (which (I would guess(?)) could have been exacerbated through emotional abuse,
which (may have) initiated due to species unconsciously developing harsh emotional personalities in response to harsh environmental conditions..(?)),
(Which of course may vary from individual to individual, such as what the individual specifically kept encountering, how they were uniquely reacting, therefore developing a personality and a level of inner awareness of impulses, choices, decisions.. etc, etc.. (which of course perpetuated downward to those who came after them (such as emotional response tendencies our ancestors gave us, which we can either perpetuate or heal.. (for example: inner insecurity making us get angry at everything and therefore scaring many others around us, or following a path to develop more inner peace within us, also contributing with feeling more peace within those around us, since we won’t be adding to inner painful emotional insecurity by blasting out anger recklessly NOR directing it at others and therefore NOT increasing their insecure misery)..))),

I feel that,

One way the narcissist might insatiably try to “compensate” for feeling insecure is through seeking power..(?),
(And of course expressing anger may scare others into following their orders..),
Which (hypothetically speaking) may also include aggressively reminding others of their flaws in order to make others feel less confident in themselves and more “trustworthy” of how the narcissist will instruct them (in certain instances..),
And/or the narcissist’s frightening behavior..,
May I’d guess..(?),
Frighten others into closed-minded obedience,

I feel that,

Even though the narcissist might be highly aware of how and why they continue to struggle,
Well,
The insecurity may just be so intense..,
That well..,
The narcissist just may often FAIL to NOT give in..(?),

I feel that,

Of course just because we may deeply understand it,
That of course still does NOT excuse it,

Yet,
Still..,
Developing more empathy and being able to feel it with others,
Just may..,
I guess help us feel LESS alone in our insecurity and therefore REDUCE this toxic tendency to try to compensate for insecurity since our attention will be MORE focused on SHARED positive empathetic social connection..(?),

And well (I’d guess that..?) this just may be harder if you are faced with frequent social rejection and/or just encounter toxic interactions..(?),
Still..,
Although it may be extremely hard..(?),
May it still be possible to find peace in inevitable moments of painful isolation..,

Now yes..,
I feel that,
If someone is dangerously lost in narcissism..,
Well..,
Maybe all that many of us can only do is safely keep our distance..,
Yet..,
Well..,
May we at least try to infinitely empathetically understand infinite causes to judge “flaws” we see in ourselves and others infinitely LESS harshly..,
Even if those flaws happen to include highly narcissistic tendencies,

I guess how we relate to how and what we feel to see within ourselves we just happen to emanate externally..?

So yes,

I feel a need for more empathetic healing energy,

And I feel that it is (of course) NOT easy..,

Oh I feel that,
I feel that,
Quite deeply,

And well,
Maybe there’s some level of “narcissism” in most if not us all..(?),
Yet of course,
May we increasingly develop inner peaceful conscious awareness and/or deeply considerate true self-control so those insecure narcissistic forces don’t blow the shit too much more out of control

(Disclaimer: The citation format is neither consistent nor (I guess(?)) conventional..),

Okay so..,

Is this obsessive compulsiveness taking over me in order to “validate” my ego which has zero confidence of being “perfectly validated” any other way..(?),
Yet when does my ego truly attain its way..?
I feel that it just functions as always insatiably seeking..,

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, YouTube, Video title: “The Many Faces of Ego”, Release Date: January 19th, 2021, I hope this is the correct video link: https://youtu.be/6StRwsSBubw),

Trying to please it (my ego),
To me..,
Well..,
Does not seem to be healing the insatiable inner source(s) of it..,

And yes I know I’m failing to just let it be as background noise that I increasingly peacefully accept..,
I may just be trying to push it out,
Yet it just seems to fight back stronger and stronger,
So maybe..,
I just once again,
Must increasingly accept..,
That it’s always there,

Hence I guess..(?),
Since resisting can imply discomfort,
The less I resist,
The more comfortable I may become,
With it’s,
Inevitable presence ..?

(Source: Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now. Namaste Publishing, New World Library, 1997, p. 33. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),

Yes..?

And even if I’m never “perfectly” comfortable,
Since seeking comfort may also become egotistically insatiable..(?),
Well..,
At least..,
I just feel I can accept more,
So the likelihood of me becoming derailed by this inner emotional resistance intensity becomes LESS,

Yes..,
When I have severe obsessive compulsive behavior,
I feel I just keep missing out on life,
So since I may never be able to completely “block it out”,
I feel that I can STILL instead increasingly accept it as a peaceful background noise eventually if I properly practice redirecting my attention,
ALSO increasing the likelihood of the obsessive background noise decreasing SINCE I’ll be giving it LESS power by redirecting my focusing energy..,

And regardless if I explained that sufficiently clearly..(?),
Well..,
I can just,
At least,
Regain focus,
On my naturally occurring inhaling and exhaling,

Ahhhhhhhhhh

I feel that:

Obsessive compulsiveness is just too elaborate,
So..,
Not obsessively feeling a need to keep explaining some example of it..,
I guess just may be another way of more deeply refraining from it..(?),

Huhhhh..,

And just because others may not know certain precise specifics,
I would say..,
Does NOT mean that they “cannot” overall understand it..,

Such as it being,
Attention narrowing perfectionist focusing,
That narrows our awareness and reduces our focus,
Of whatever we may truly have that we can be deeply appreciating

Okay..,
As for the posts I have not deleted today on April 27th, 2023..,
As for OCD and number of posts..,
I’m now on number “670”..,

And of course was previously on number 669..,

It just was the six.. followed by the nine..,

Huhhhhhh..,
I know creative work is NOT about numbers but still..,

The OCD..,
(Obsessive Compulsive “Disorder”),
Just..,
Feels embarrassed too easily..,

It’s toxic perfection makes it’s self-consciousness more and more embarrassing since it gets so triggered by such ridiculous meanings..,

And as for it being a “disorder”,
Well..,
Even if in certain moments I fail to resist it..,

Still..,
I still feel it’s possible,
To find,
More and more peace with it,

It can remain as background noise,
Background inner sensations..,
And I can become better and better,
At,
Redirecting my attention,

So instead of focusing on pleasing the obsessive thinking,
I can try once again focusing on my breathing,
And I guess I can start with noticing an inhale and exhale..,

Inhale..,

Ahhhhhhh..,

And even if that was NOT clearly NOR properly explained..(?),
Well..,
I feel that I can once again inhale,
Then..,
Exhale

Ahhhhhhhhh

As for creatively painting a “big picture”,
Such as with the use of words may have to offer in order to help us inwardly peacefully see and experience clearer..(?),

Well..,
(For example),
Are we trying to be clever such as using fancy figures of speech to creatively piece together something commonly known..(?),

Or are we using our fancy painting skills to depict something deeper..?
To help us experience,
Truly healthier,
More likely happier..?
More peaceful and overall..,

Clearer

?