Shit..,
This OCD is in me..,
Maybe some remaining insecurity from a culture with a highly competitive mentality..?
This toxic numbers posting game is narrowing my creatively..,
It’s my ego just wanting to score higher than whatever it sees as “inferior”,

It’s “crowd pleasing performance” will teach nothing..,
It will just try to “show” something..,
Which I feel will be obvious yet on a higher obvious level,
This numbers game just has no lessons to offer as truly helpful..,

Well..,

I just..,
Hope it passes,

I hope that once again,
I can be sufficiently clear from any obsessive insecure pressure,
To..,
Post in ways so much helpfully deeper

Wow..,
What an unfortunate moment and lack of strength I’m openly displaying by presently posting for numbers..,
And well since these posts just may be among my worst..,
..,
Some of humanity’s worst..,
May just be ready to dig up whatever online fuck ups of mine they may miraculously find..,
If and only if I rise,

Since,
I been down for too long,
And other egos prefer that..,
Yet..,
Remaining strong for as long as my changing present ability allows me,
I just plan to keep remembering,
Powerfully

No matter how frequently those we’re forced to be around kill the vibe,
No matter how much those only want to converse on the surface,
Well..,
Deeper within ourselves,
I guess..,
Peace just..,
Maybe not only is possible,
Yet increasingly sustainable ?

Huhhh..,
May we find more and more peace within,
And of course while inevitably in,
Whatever is the struggle

In moments like these,
When my ego wants me to post for numbers,
Maybe the focus on the numbers distracts me from clearly seeing what I truly feel a need for expressing..(?),

Welp..,
Aside from infinite ways of infinite psychological evaluation..,
I’ll just..,
I guess..(?),
Hope once again..,
For this to pass

Man..,
Speaking in general (and not intending to be personal),
These posts are serious,
And I sometimes worry,
If all this seriousness..,
Is a social vibe kill that others may see..,
Miles and miles away,

?

So..,
Do I really expect to be invited..,
If I’m just..,
Pouring my heart out..,
Instead of just..,
Chillin the F out..!?

Riiiiiiight!?

Well..,
I feel I must,
Keep navigating to the best of my ability..,
On this truthful journey..,
Because I just do NOT want to go back to living a life of isolating misery..,

I just can NOT allow others to..,
Frighten me..,

What will happen,
If I try to more and more inner peacefully clearly access..,
My truly deeper capacity..?
Which I feel that ZERO stigmatized labels could ever define as my functioning “capacity”,

Because they are not the truth I see within me..,
They just may evaluate my actions surfacely..,
While under pressure due to whoever they work for..,
..,
At least most I’d guess (for example..)..?

Man..,
Those labels..,
Those groups that excluded me..,
Shit..,
I feel that..,
They’re just manifestations externally,
That can NOT see the truth within me..,

As I can not speak for the truth that they see within themselves..,
Evidently,

May we helpfully connect,
More and more deeply

Sometimes when stuff spirals out of control,
I’ll just analytically blame whatever I see as “toxically cultural”,
In combination with my stigmatized label(s)..,
Others simplistically judging my struggles..,
For example..,

At least..,
I’m in a time that I still consider better..,

And yes,
I’m having OCD again..,

Tryna get what my irrationality tells me as comfortably more than “666” posts..,

And well..,
I feel that,
When writing turns into a numbers game..,
My creative impression,
May just,
Sink into a giant regression..,

Sometimes I just..,
Sink in,
To the obsessive toxins within..,

Maybe as I proceed up,
I sink down,
Yet may proceed up even higher..,

Yet my goal is to not sink as deeply as various moments before..,
And as for any depth(s) that I may sink painfully once again into either similar or worse than various times before..,
I STILL wish to have the high level tools necessary,
To..,
Climb..,
Faster and faster and faster..,

And even though those speech figures just may could be way better..,
Well..,
I hope that was clear enough,
To understand,
In a more helpful direction..,

Ahhhhh

(At a certain point during a conversation..)

Person #1: You understand?
Person #2: Man just shut your fucking mouth.

Person #1: Do I talk to you like that!?
Person #2: Well unlike you I don’t give you a reason to.

Person #1: Well your negativity does, including what you just said there.
Person #2: What the hell are you talking about!?

Person #1: Right there..! You tell me to “be yourself” and when I keep it real with you I’m all of a sudden an “asshole”.
Person #2: No! You’re just unstable and you need medication!

Person #1: There you go, instead of listening, you want me to shut the fuck up by shutting myself down on medication.
Person #2: No!! You need it because you act crazy!!

Person #1: When I try to kindly open up to you and share what I feel a need to be heard you just want me to shut the fuck up!
Person #2: It’s because you wanna have all these boring ass conversations.

Person #1: No.. It’s because I want to have critical discussions.
Person #2: You just need to chill out.

Person #1: Yeah well your constant criticism doesn’t help.
Person #2: I criticize you because you act annoying!

Person #1: Well I’m just struggling alright..!?
Person #2: Just let the past go!!

Person #1: Yes I know but it’s a working progress.
Person #2: So work harder!

Person #1: As if it’s that easy..
Person #2: Stop with the excuses.. Just stop..

Person #1: What comes easier to you might be harder for me.
Person #2: You’re just too lazy to actually work on yourself.

Person #1: It’s not laziness, it’s constant failure that leads to discouragement.
Person #2: Okay.. I’m done listening.. Like for real.. I’m just.. I’m just sick of all your fucking whining. Just get your shit together! Alright!!?

Person #1: Man.. you call yourself a friend!?
Person #2: And you call yourself rational!?

Person #1: NO!!
Person #2: Oh so you don’t consider yourself rational..?

Person #1: NO!!!!! I consider you IRRATIONAL.
Person #2: Man just fucking stop with the crazy shit.

Person #1: I don’t know why I ever trusted you..? My only friend is just another scumbag.
Person #2: Yo bro you deadass insane I’m out..
Person #1: Go fuck yourself! There I said it.

Oh no..,
Here we go..,

As for the number of posts I have in this moment of today (April, 26th, 2023) and have not yet removed ..,

I’m getting close to 666 WordPress.com posts..,
And don’t we all know that number..(?),

Yup..,
The “Devil’s number”..,

Or is it “616”..(?),
I remember passing that recently..,

And even though (I believe) creativity is about quality and NOT number of creations NOR the numbers they land on..,

Still..,
These belief systems,
And interpretations and/or translations that came before me,
Of interpretations and/or translations that came before those who passed them down to me..,
Still..,

(Seemingly to me..),

STILL HAVE A LIMITING obsessive compulsive effect on me..,

Shit..,

I’m just trying to once again,
Not fearfully lose myself in the deep obsessive compulsive intensity..,

Ohh how these powerful culturally dominant belief systems have an effect on me..,
And what happened to their original messages..(!?),

What was truly translated and/or interpreted as initially intended to be!!?

To me it just,
Does NOT seem like many,
Who even may claim to “identify” as part of the belief system..,
Truly love those who see and operate immensely differently..?

Huhhh..,
I’ll hang in there,

Continually

I tried to park in the most seemingly available narrow parking space,
And as for the man in the car which I was pulling up parallel to,
I thought I gave him enough space,

Yet he gave me a powerfully sustained nasty hardass look on his face,

He just had to angrily sincerely express I parked too close,
And while re-adjusting my mom’s car to the right in a non-parking space in order to give him more space,
He just powerfully stared with his nasty unforgiving face,

And as for this brutally escalating..,
Oh it felt close,

Yet well,
Even though so many people want to remain distant,
Fail to be kind NOR fairly patient,

Well..,
At least I ONCE AGAIN did not escalate it,
At least I stuck around,
And have the chance,
To write about it,

Huhhhh..,
There’s just always another who makes it HARDER for me to find and sustain peace within me,

Yet I feel I must NEVER give up on the possibility

I agree,
That sadly,
Although technology may have expanded our ability to socially interact with others,
Including with those who we just may never meet face to face one day,

Well..,
Technology,
More often than not,
Has NOT seemed to help us understand each other more empathetically,
Such as,
In ways highly necessary,
To coexist more peacefully as we try to advance continually