More often than Not

More often than not..,

When I don’t drink,
I take shit more personally,
I kill the vibe far more instantly,

When I drink I kill my brain cells,
And hurt my liver,

I know we all know,

And as for moderation and balance,
I just feel to be..,
To..,
“Chemically imbalanced”..,

Shit..,

And I guess the more I fail to control it..(?),
The more pain I’m feeling..(?),

Because if I can’t help but troll..,
Well..,
Something just may be inwardly unbearable,
So it’ll spill out without my control..(?),
For example..(?),

Not excusing..,
Just tryna keep understanding..,
Because something ain’t working..,

And I don’t know if more cognitive chemical experimenting is really helping..,
Been there done that,
Been prescribed that..,

And well..,
In an emergency I get it..,
Yet..,
If I’m always recreationally and/or trying to attain enough prescriptions to block out the shit..,

Then..,
What am I really learning from it..?

And I know..,
Too many are too overworked to really hear it..,

Inhale..,
..,
Exhale..,

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

New Direction

“Oh my god he just doesn’t stop”,
..,
Yeah I know when I try courageously being myself out there,
I may excessively lose control..,
Troll..,
And maybe are just better off in the psych ward..

WURRRRRRD..,

Iiight,
And well..,
Even though I may be disrespectfully venting,
Well..,
Thanks for not yet blocking me,
You all are great even if I just painfully fail to listen and relate..,

And even if we can’t just “turn it around”,
Hopefully it goes in a new,
Better direction..,

And I presently feel to believe that,
No,
There’s NOT “one” true direction..,

I believe that,
We can still peacefully coexist,
And advance as we function,
By remaining peaceful and truly open

Also True

I presently believe that:

The way groups may be influenced to act like are not always what they’re capable of,

And I feel this to ALSO be true with neurotypical white males,
and/or WHOEVER,
“in POWER”,

Regardless of “political correctness”,

May we NOT let powerful social forces who may have been heavily constructed “define” us,
NOR may we allow them to divide us,

And as for being told I have “autism”,
Well..,
There’s just so much more to my own type of experience..,

And (I feel) that goes for those powerful influences too,
Since I’d guess they were and are also being influenced as what they see as true..,

Shit..,
I’m just tryna..,
Once again..,

Slow down,

Not like I really can just “turn stuff around”

Not Alone

I feel that:

Not to “cry wolf” yet sometimes shit just feels to “hit the fan” MAN..,

Regardless of what’s “real”..,
Just wanting to share how I believe to feel..,

Well..,

If I can’t even manage scanning and handling packages “fast enough”,
If I can’t amount NOR sufficiently adapt to work environments including those I’m forced to work with and for..,

Well..,
I hope sharing writing can be at least some compatible way of helpfully contributing..,

?

If nothing works out,
I’ll try to stay in,
..,
If I always lose I’ll remain in,
That’s just what I try to continue believing in,

Even if those typically more inwardly at peace than most STILL can NOT either tolerate being around me..,
And if those ALSO “autistic” also do NOT seem to want to interact with me..,
If I frustrate them equally..,
Well..,
I feel I must STILL keep trying to help in some way!!?

I just can NOT give up..,
YUP..,

And as for attempting contributing with writing,
Maybe (in whatever way(s)) it can remind others INCLUDING myself,
That although our struggles,
In some way(s) to whatever extent(s),
May be completely different..(?),
We’re still (I guess..(?))..,
NOT alone within it..,

And well,
Even if there’s moments I’m impulsively over-sharing,
And/or being annoying and confusing..,
I just have to keep trying..,
I just feel I have to..,

And well..,
Even when it’s OBVIOUS I’m having a worse than typical day,
Others STILL have more criticism to say..,

When others are expressing how they are having a terrible day I stay the fuck away,
Yet when it’s me,
Since I’m not nearly as intimidating,
They carry on criticizing,
Exacerbating my feeling(s)..,

Which makes it harder to keep going..,
Which makes it harder,
For me to feel “easier” to be around..,

Man..,
And well,
Even though I always feel stepped on by even those as far down as me..,

I guess..,
We’re all in some unique form of painful perpetual mess ..?

Yet..,
Maybe I must say we’re somehow “not alone in it”,

Yet it’s just like..,

Fucking dammit,

I just plan to keep hanging in there,
Regardless of whether or not I arrive wherever

Waiting

As always I do NOT intend for anyone to take this personally,
NOR mean to claim others have it “easy”,
I guess..(?),
This is just usual negativity that passes through me,
And weighs within when I fail to clear it “properly”,
It slows me down and makes others mad filling me with more of it..,
Too many have nothing to offer to help me heal the source of it so I can work faster and make stuff easier for them as well..,
They hate being around me yet I feel they’re toxic critical energy makes it harder mutually for as long as they’re forced to remain in contact with me..,
Okay here’s another post I just started working on:

As for whatever I believe,
As for truth I see,
The reason why I may repeat and/or reword it so frequently,
Is because I struggle with it repeatedly,
So I try to remind and/or emphasize it constantly,

Because I struggle to keep up,
I feel “less fit”,
I feel too different,
EVEN among those also “autistic”..,

There’s just too different of a way I too often feel to see it,
And many others who may “care” will one day permanently lose patience with me,
Understandably,

And well I wish I didn’t feel like I made stuff harder for everybody,
I wish I felt I could pull my weight as easily,
With zero intense emotions weighing in me internally,
I wish inner peace felt to come and stay more easily,

And even though I may struggle to work on the same level,
Others will just criticize,
And remind me of stuff I already know such as that if I don’t go faster,
Others may have to work longer,
And maybe finish what I didn’t finish,
Which makes sense why they’d get mad,
Yet getting mad will just make me feel worse,
..,
It’ll derail me more easily..,
And the more I mess up,
The more they’ll reprimand me,
Which will only make stuff harder for me,
Because I’ll feel more bad,
Less confident,

And well,
As they get more mad,
I’ll feel more bad,
And therefore,
I’ll screw up more,

(Incase I “need” to say this: SPOILER
ALERT I guess..(?)),

Eventually I’ll just wind up unable to function anymore,
And then will just wind up in some institution,
Be forced medication,
Maybe have “support” groups facilitated by someone like Nurse Ratched..?
Captain Hadley..?
WORSE!?,

Maybe not “that bad” of course..(?),
Yet I’ve been struggling a long time on my life course,
And fear stuff becoming..,
Yep,
WORSE..,

And I guess..(?),
Another way to look at the point is,
I’d guess that,
Others’ criticism,
That only points out stuff I’m doing wrong,
And tells me nothing helpful NOR positively reminds times I got it right,
Just..,
Makes it worse,

And since I’m emotionally sensitive already,
Since there’s so much weighing in me that I fail to let go of constantly,
Since many others are also seemingly barely able to take care of themselves and just may view me as someone who makes shit worse,

Of course survival will be even harder,
And spirling may be more likely,

Of course as always I’ll keep going,
Yet as for better days,
I keep waiting

Citations (no particular format):

(Source #1/film with character referenced: “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” Release Date: November 19th, 1975)

(Source #2/film with character referenced: “The Shawshank Redemption”, Release Date: September 22nd, 1994)

Worrying

I feel that as for me presently:

Knowing how unnecessary it is to worry STILL does NOT prevent the harmful energy depleting/increasingly emotional imbalancing worrying feelings from passing through me,
..,
There’s always that SMALL possibility which my attention fixates on that causes me to lose energy..,

The excessively pointless worrying just remains as the center of my attention too frequently,
It discourages me from proceeding as being myself more openly,
Worrying prevents me from surviving out of my shell in ways I likely actually HAVE the ABILITY,

And well,
Even though I want to be recognized for the hard work I do to attempt at clearly organizing thoughts and/or feelings from what I view as unique experiences I work at sharing..,
Well (for example)..,
I still worry about people stealing my writing,
..,
I worry about some enemy of mine trying to slander and/or discredit me..,
I worry about people being fooled into irreparably misunderstanding me in a way irreparably damaging for me,
(I just had to stand up to certain bullies eventually, even if they’d respond additionally more aggressively and irrationally.. even if they do now and/or may ever have far more power politically, socially, economically and/or financially (if that makes sense evidently..(?))),

I often view myself as “kind, caring and capable” as someone close to me reminds me,
Yet I need to live MORE truthful for this present life experience (which I’m presently experiencing) to feel more worth experiencing,
Regardless,
Even though there’s always a risk factor,
I intend to keep trying,

I’m an anxious middle-class yes-man who’s a way easier target than the richest humans,

For example,
Poor and/or however desperate tech-savvy individuals may target me so much more easily,
And whether they’re “on the spectrum” or not,
Their desperate situation may provide them deeper survival awareness to get what they feel they need from my oblivious economically privileged autistic anxiety..,

Instead of targeting those in power,
I’ll just be right there,

And aside from writing,
However I attempt to put myself out there,
I’ll be fooled into putting myself to them,
..,
And even if I checked the URL..,
Still..,
How can I really tell..(?),

And since (I feel that) sentient human history is pretty brutal evidently,
And since stuff appears horrific for many presently,
And since stuff does not appear to be going in a healing/consciously awakening direction (to me) unfortunately..,

Even as for many who claim to be “helping me”..,
What can I really expect their true intentions to be..?

Seriously,
I understand worrying will NOT change the reality,
Yet..,
Just thought I’d also point out the reality that I’ve seen and continue to see and expect reluctantly..,

Welp,
I guess all I can do,
Since I can NOT avoid,
NOR change those around me,
NOR control how they respond to me when I proceed out of my anxious shell courageously..,
..,
All I can do,
Is keep trying to find and sustain growing peace within me,
As life continues to throw more and more toxic energy at me..(?),

I feel to have been through a lot already,
Yet I still see a “rough road ahead of me”,

I’ll just keep practicing allowing the inevitable bullshit,
To pass like a current,
That my awareness does not get lost in NOR identify as a part of,

As various forms of painful negativity pass through and manifest around me,
I can still practice removing my awareness from toxicity and remain more and more aware of the inner healing peace growing within me,

Inhale,
..,
Exhale,
..,

I can just notice the changing sensations perpetually passing through me,

And even though I may have failed to explain this properly..(?),
Even though I may have failed to practice adequately consistently,
Well..,
I still have the opportunity to experience more of what life has to offer me,
If I try to remain more and more out of my shell consistently and consciously when truly ready,

And the time I feel is NOW evidently,

And I still feel a need to keep working to peacefully accept that,
There’s always some level of risk,
That I must NOT let stop me

Arrive

I guess no matter what we’re doing,
Even if it’s not a part of any “creative” industry,
We’re still being creative and cultivating and emanating some type of and some level of impactful energy..(?)

I believe that,
When we express our truth,
Although expressing I see as needed and liberating,
There’s still an energy field we’re leaving,

There’s an energy field that’s lasting,

Is it kind..?
Is peace or anger perpetuating..?

Oh am I sufficiently properly explaining!?

I’ll keep trying..,

And well,
The type of energy we left just may become more and more readily available,
In ways destructive and/or helpful,
..,
Harmfully addictive or consciously constructive..,

And although as for connecting figures of speech together,
In a way that creates a “brilliantly” elaborate picture,
Well..,
Is it healing..?
Depressing..?
Controlling..?
Power seeking..?
Polarizing..?
Excluding..?

DISCRIMINATING..?

For example,
What is the work of artistic expression,
Political and/or “spiritual” creative organization,
Or even medical institution(s),
Truly perpetuating..?

I’d guess..(?),
No matter how “perfect” it seems,

It’s always worth,
Perpetually,

Double and/or however multiply checking,

And I’m not intending to make others feel guilty..,
How would guilt be helpful empathetic inner healing energy!?

It’s just that it seems to me,
I guess we all have some level of impact..(?),
As for whatever we’re doing,
Which we must clearly regard seriously,

No matter how “obvious”,
Are we actually considering this..(?),
To overall help us with whatever the…..
whatever..,

Since I’d guess..(?),
Many (or at least some of us) just may want to feel this experience as more worth experiencing..?

How are we being presently UNIQUELY impacted by those who came before us..?
How are we being impacted by those who are famous and/or who we may not realize influence us..?
How is their control affecting them..?
Is it addressing anything internally troubling them..?
And well..,
What impact are we having on ourselves and whichever surrounding others..?
What impact do we think we’re leaving for any members of future generations expected to arrive..?

Where do we truly wish to arrive ?

Huhhhhhhh..,

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Toxic Seriousness

If I remain too in my head,
I may not find,
NOR sustain,
A deeper inner peaceful spirit required to get truly ahead,
And I may wind up,
Hanging by a weakening thread,
Which therefore just may snap then cause me to fall while spirling faster than ever until landing instantly dead,

Maybe that rhyme was too easily predicted..(?),
Or maybe I’m obsessively criticizing myself too much IN MY HEAD,

If I remain just in my head,
The emotions may build in me,
They may blind me,
My mental surface level thoughts alone may NOT be able to distinguish between emotional intensity and DEEPER reality,
And if and when others realize my emotional fragility..,
Oh how it just may be hilarious to them when they playfully trigger me,
..,
Oh the fun they’ll make for themselves may entertain them deeply,
They’ll deepen their social bond as they bust my balls brilliantly,

And even if they “don’t mean to offend me”,
Even if they are “just joking”..,
Well..,
Since I’d be more in my head,
I may not relate as deeply,
I may not see the big picture as clearly,
Since my awareness will be confined to just my head evidently,

I just may take it,
Toxically seriously,

And even though I may feel a need to more peacefully chill out,
Well,
I guess..,
Even if we “don’t mean harm”,
Well,
Are we AWARE of the effects we’re having..(?),

Man..,
I hope for more deeply inclusive collective sentient understanding in ways helpful for whatever deeply needs to be addressed pertaining to our present sentient functioning,

I guess that as for this example..(?),
If we’re just in our head,
Our social/emotional awareness may not be as empathetically present as others may need us to be since thoughts in our head may be what we see as the “deepest” reality,
Hence we’ll just be thinking when others are in need of empathetic feeling..(?),
Must we at least start by “noticing our breathing”..(?),

And well,
As I’d guess..(?),
When overthinking,
Since our thoughts may be MORE overloaded and LESS organized,
Since we may be thinking LESS clearly,
We may therefore be thinking MORE while thinking LESS intelligently..(?),
Hence I presently feel that,
More thinking does NOT “always” increase intelligence,
Yet CLEARER thinking MORE LIKELY does,
And yes,
Maybe all that explaining indicates my present overthinking..?

Inhale,
..,
Exhale,
Ahhhhh..,

And well,
If we’re more deeply aware YET are still controlled by a deeper UNhealed layer of painful emotional insecurity,
I’d guess..(?),
We may want to feel power by trying to playfully interact with (yet happen to emotionally abuse) those who are more socially/emotionally oblivious,
Yet are more anxiously overthinking..(?),
All INSTEAD of attempting inclusive collective internal emotional healing,
And although I can go on “rambling”,
Well,

I hope this felt at least somewhat helpful when reading,
As always,
Thanks for reading