Yes,
I have seen those who are on the “autistic spectrum”,
Who have learned how to be very typical,
Social,
And/or,
Flamboyant,
..,
Yet,
I just had different experiences..,
Yet aside from all that,
I’ll just mention that I also feel that:

I do NOT understand A LOT,
And MANY others,
Do NOT understand ME,

Ohhhh how I struggle to return to my..,
Inner body..,
I just FEEL I’m NOT NEARLY as developed as Eckhart Tolle,
But thank you,
Eckhart,
For all you do,
And of course,
I can NOT speak for you..,

Huhhh..,

Anyway,

To remain,
Safe,
(From their self-absorbed emotional instability),
I try to refrain,

From asking,
(Questions such as),

Is their confidence mostly (or totally) meant to help me,
Or,
Over-power me?

Hah..,
Sometimes they’ll use their confident flamboyance,
Against MY anxious awkward neurodivergence,
Against MY damaged emotions..,
Etc, etc, etc..,

Left AND/OR Right,
I do NOT trust MANY..,
Because it’s largely just me,
And my neurodivergent adversity,
Which I do NOT like,
Nor expect them to like..,
Nor have sufficient patience for,

I have autism,
And I’m damaged by experience,
And I feel,
As I said,
And/or often imply..,
That,
The next straw may break my back,
And I just never know when I’ll lose it to the point..,
Of never being able to get back on a good track..,

And I just can’t keep up,
With the bullshit,

Like the other day when I asked a guy to put his cart on the side of the conveyor belt where the carts go,
He aggressively said,
“I didn’t understand a word you said!”
Then he said something,
And I didn’t understand either,

And (later on today) since I was spaced out,
One of my supervisors got impatient since I was struggling to focus,
And since his instructions weren’t clear..,
He was like..,
“No!!! They go right there!!”,
And,
“They go over there!! And you have several of them!!”
And he is DAMN lucky he doesn’t have autism,
..,
And yeah..,
There’s a lot I won’t get to know about him..,
But there’s that part of me,
That wishes,
I didn’t have my type of neurodivergent adversity,

And when I left I apologized for having trouble focusing on putting the customer “throwback” items (items that customers didn’t want gathered in a set of carts to return back to the shelves) where they belonged (since I WAS still new and haven’t worked there in long)..,
And he said “it’s okay we’ll take care of it”,
But after he shut the door as I left,
(And I could be wrong),
Yet I thought he said to himself,
“I’m going to beat you up!”,
..,
No I don’t know if he actually said that,
And yes,
He has been nice quite often,
Yet,
Like many others,
I just do NOT trust that they’ll accept me for being me,
And I do NOT trust that they’ll be empathetic with helping me with my learning disabilities..,
They’ll just want me to leave them alone after all the emotionally distant advice they (without my permission) exclaim towards me..,

Yet,
I just feel like a damn easy target,
People can yell at me when I struggle to focus due to my learning and emotional challenges that got exacerbated by the bullies..,
And INSTEAD of helping me..,
They’ll use their NON-learning challenges against me,
And if I stand up for myself,
The authority,
Will strike back,
And I just can’t do anything,

Yes..,
They’ll use their confidence to over-power me,
And all I can do,
Since I can’t avoid how many of them are mean to me,
Is to sustain peace inwardly,

And oh,

It has not been easy,

But I just have to,
Keep going..,

And I just wanna keep talking about experiences..,
Yet since they just may happen every day,
I just..,
Can’t get to all of them..,

Yet one woman complaining about something with her receipt,
Just comes in blocking the cart conveyor belt isle,

And I was like,
“You have to move your cart,”
And she’s like..,
“Why?”
And I’m like,
“Cuz you’re blocking everyone!”

And she just remained cluelessly selfishly standing there..,
And they just kept looking at me as if I was the crazy one..,

And..,
Not to be too hard on the woman,
But I’m like,
It’s really something,
Seeing how confident people can be,
With their level(s) of stupidity,

And with their level(s),
Of stupidity,
I’m like,
How does it appear that to them,
Adulting,
Just comes,
So easy!!?

They (meaning others) are making more money than me,
They have more power than me,
And I’m just blown away,
That they also have their high level(s) of stupidity..,

And I’m like,
If they can do it,
Then I can do it,
WAY MORE,
Yet,
Because I’m not,

It really does cause me pain,
When I see,
How much I ACTUALLY unconsciously limit myself..,

Huhhhh..,

No words,
I just,
Try to surrender,
And NOT,
Let,
My shortcomings,
My misfortunes,
And unconscious bad decisions,
And whatever it may be that upsets me,
Get the best of me,

And I believe,
Regardless of what I face EXTERNALLY,
I feel I must remain aware of the roots of my actions,
Such as my internal occurring reactions,

And instead of dangerously being unconsciously controlled by them,
I just try to..,

Keep remembering,
To keep,

Witnessing them,

And as for today,
While hoping to react to meanness in a less destructive way,
While a guy was training me how to unload the plastic bottle bags in one of the machines that people recycle bottles in to get some spare change..,
A woman complained that we were NOT helping her and I POLITELY said I was being trained,
And she still complained,
And then..,
When my trainer was helping her,

The SAME confident flamboyant SUPERVISOR,
Explained to me to NEVER get mad at a customer,
That I must “always help the customer”,
Even though in the scenario we just couldn’t,
And I tried to have him understand yet he wouldn’t..,
And then I said “just gotta take the punches”,
And he agreed,
Yet,
Since I just felt I was too damaged,
To manage,
I am NOW,

Looking,

For a better work environment..,

And it’s just hard having to,
Keep taking punches,
When I’m still damaged and not yet recovered,
From all the previous punches,
Yet they just expect me,
To keep taking it..,
Even though,
I still carry all that pain,
Of NOT standing up for myself..,
So I figured..,
I needed a better environment for myself,

And yep,
With my learning disability,
With all my painful history,
They just expect perfection out of me,

Even when I screw up with ZERO safety hazards,
Their energy,
Just makes it so hard for me,
To stay on TRACK,

And once again,
As for being unemployed again,

I’m back..,

And well..,

Since I let my dad down,
Since I won’t fulfill his wish at becoming a manager of Costco,
Well,
Looks like confident flamboyance OVERPOWERS awkward neurodivergence,

In my belief..,
It’s hardly ever about what you say nor how you say it,
It’s about energy,
Even if it’s the highest stupidity..,
..,
And I often believe that confident stupidity,
Goes further than anxious intelligence..,
Because in order to get stuff done I feel there’s a need for confidence..,
Yet..,
All that excelling stupidity,
Just..,
Deeply,
Bothers me,

Yet someday,
I hope,
For a more welcoming,
Compatible,
Convergence,
Of surrounding HELPFUL ambience,
And I hope those fancy words in that order made sense..,

And I hope there’s not too many typos in this..,
I just..,
Felt an impatient need to post this..,

Looks like,
The place I worked will have the customer service they may need,
Instead of being greeted by an anxious awkward guy,
They’ll have their comforting flamboyant (seemingly) neurotypical guy,

And yes,
There’s many forms of confidence that over-power me,
Of course I also try to stay safe from emotionally distant toxic masculinity,
I try to stay away from various forms of sadistic confidence that may put me in danger,
Especially due to my remaining inner pain and struggles with neurodivergence,

What an experience

Regardless of varying intent..,
Many others hurt me,
Use my autistic learning disabilities against me,
Some try to rob me,
Woman never prefer me,
And many,
Just expect me,
To remain PC,

I’m excluded from terms of endearment,
I’m not invited,
People judge and distance themselves from me literally and emotionally,
My balls are socially busted disproportionately,
They frequently can NOT stop getting angry and laughing at me,
And I’m STILL expected to remain PERFECTLY PC,

I’ve felt powerless and stepped on for most of my life,
I have very little power,
Highly doubt I’ll ever “get there”,
And I feel instead of helping me and spreading more helpful energy,
(Which may also facilitate inner clearness for better efficiency (?)),
Many people STILL use their confidence to over-power me,
While expecting me,
To remain,
Perfectly,
PC,

After all they do to me,
That I can go on and on about,
They (meaning many others) expect me,
To,
Always give them the benefit of the doubt,
They expect me to,
Never complain and be a “respectful” citizen,

And OF COURSE I support free,
Equal and humane civilization,
Yet,
What many keep doing to me,
Just keeps making me so upset,
..,
And they’ll use even ONE WORD I say against me,

And even if I use a SLUR,
I may be referring to ONE person,
In ONE passing state of emotion,
And I may STILL,
Sustain overall peaceful helpful action,
..,
Yet,
As they remain emotionally distant,
They will NEVER acknowledge all that,
And will instead just,
Loose their shit..,

And due to all I been and go through,
Due to how they frequently treat me,
They do NOT see,
Their irrationality,
In what they expect of me,

And yes I TRY,
To remain PC,
And they just,
Continually,
Will NEVER see their irrationality,
And as I’ve heard said,
I can NOT avoid forces of irrationality,
And the forces will NEVER be able to compassionately consider my RATIONALITY,

So,
I just feel I must,
Once again,
Notice my inhale,
Exhale and inner sensations,
And accept as they pass,
INSTEAD of,
Adding additional inner tension through resistance of my present inner experience,

And yes,
I feel I cannot change the external,
I feel I can only change myself,
Which occurs,
In the internal,

Speaking for myself of course,

I can NOT always avoid many other’s hurtful irrationality,
And,
I’ll try my best,
To return,
To my,

Inner body

Since I feel that I:

Frequently struggle with CONFIDENCE,

Something I feel,
That will at least HELP me,
Is if I’m around CONFIDENT people,
Who will use their CONFIDENCE,
To HELP me develop more CONFIDENCE,
Inwardly,

Sadly,
I feel there’s a lot of bullies,
Who I feel,
Use their confidence against me,

To try to satisfy their,
(Although insatiable),
Egos,

And I feel too much of my confidence,
Has been damaged,
Largely due to how I reacted to many,
Who appeared to me,
To struggle,
LESS,
With needed CONFIDENCE,

And so,
Yes,
Feeling vulnerable,
Labeled,
Etc, etc..,

Although to some may be a “blessing”,

As for me,

I feel it has afflicted me,
With,
Excessive,

Suffering

I often feel:

I struggle to feel sufficiently compatible,
In the environment option(s) I presently see for myself as,
Most suitable,

No advice can fix it,
I feel I just,
Must keep working on my inner,
Peaceful,
Warrior,
Spirit,

Ohhh,
It remains hard,
Even in what I feel,
As my,
Present,
Best,
Fit

I feel that an egoic “survival of the fittest” mentality,
May not be used to ONLY justify real survival,
Yet may be used to JUSTIFY bullying,
Such as the bully saying,
“Well you see I needed to ensure he wasn’t a threat because you never know”,
Or,
“Welp, he could’ve done more work on himself and let go of his victim mentality”,

And ALTHOUGH they may be right,
Their insatiable,
damaged,
Traumatized insecure unconscious ego,
I feel,
May,
Insatiably,
ABUSE what they believe in to justify their abuse of others,
And they,
Just may,
In their own way,
Justify their victim mentality,

Such as by saying,
“You have to understand! It’s my culture! It’s where I come from! It’s not my fault why I’m this way! Please! Please understand!”,

And I try to empathetically understand,
Yet,
I feel understanding does NOT instantly heal my inner hurt,

So I once again hope to place emphasis,
On my belief that,
Regardless of whatever we may face and be affected by externally,

I feel,
We may ALWAYS have the capability,
To heal and develop ourselves,
At,
(As what I believe),
In our roots,

Internally

???

I presently feel a need to share that:

Although we both may be somehow,
“Neurodivergent”,
Although we came from different time periods,
With very different experiences,
And different conditioning developmental surrounding forces,

And although I’ve had lots of build up,
That may have caused me to (here and there) immorally blow up,

I just want to thank you,
For all your efforts,
At supporting me,

Yes,
We may agree,
We may see differently,
I may struggle to keep up with all the well-intentioned advice you may give me,

Yet,
THANK YOU,
For all your support,
And encouragement,
You provide me,

I know I may be far from perfect,
Yet I want to thank you too,
For your (as I feel) good intentions,
And support,
And all else that I could include and more clearly express appreciation for,

Thanks again,
For your comments,

Grandma,

Love,

-Zach

They may explain stuff I NEED to hear,
Yet,
They may misuse words and energy,
(Or whatever),
And I may likely take it the wrong way(s),
Then..,
As for knowing,
As for remembering,
Or however sufficiently understanding what I NEED to understand,

I will (more likely) instead more deeply misunderstand,
And less likely understand,
What I’m capable of,
Knowing,
Utilizing,
Etc..,

For myself,
And,
Whoever else,

And I guess,
Since I’m also part of (what I believe as) this interdependent experience,
My awareness development,
As well as everyone else’s,
Has,
Effects,

Which I hope,
Remain,
And adequately sustain,
Consciously,

In check

I (practically) went 21 years sober,
Before,
Being peer-pressured into it,
Back at age 21,

And as for having a good time,
Sometimes I succumb to,
What is just,
Most convenient,

Yes,
Here and there,
I’ve felt deep inner fulfillment,
Through inner awareness practice(s),
What I often largely feel is due to,
Step by step,
Consistent,
Commitment,

Yet,
Sometimes (if not frequently),
I feel quite bad at it,
..,
And it’s a lot harder,
When I feel,
Alone in my efforts,
Yet,
Overall,
If I stick to it,
It just may be,
More,
Inwardly,
(Or however (?)),
Worth it?

Yet sometimes (if not often),
My unawareness makes me forget,
Makes me..,
Lose patience for it,
And tempts me to just SURRENDER to what’s convenient,
Instead of SURRENDERING to inner exacerbating tension building inner resistance of the inner pain I may be experiencing,
So I therefore (ideally and/or practically) would surrender to more inner tension building INSTEAD of adding inner tension through inner resisting,
(Such as inner tightening, compressing, or however the tension may be inwardly exacerbating..(?)),
And therefore (through surrendering (such as noticing without resisting (?)) I’ll accept and inwardly clear myself more ideally speaking (?),
If ya get (or sufficiently understand) what I’m attempting at communicating?

So sometimes I just succumb to,
Toxic convenience,

Ohhhh..,

What a challenging experience,

Welp,
Cheers,
To everyone,
Yet,
Especially those in the hardest of times,
Staying sober,
And committed,
To,
Inner,
Developmental,
Power,

Cheers to sobriety,
Cheers to staying sober,
Cheers to staying stronger,

I often feel,
That staying sober,
Is,
(As they say),
Staying strong,

Yep,
I’m repeating and emphasizing a saying that my ego is proud of me for discovering whether or not someone else already used it..,
And that is..,

“Stay sober, stay stronger”,
By Zach (me),

Okay..,
Anyway..,

I really hope,
Doing what we (seemingly) have to that may initially be less convenient and/or require a seemingly initial harder commitment ends up being truly more worth it..,

I hope what we truly view as practical wellness decisions will help us have more capability,
Inwardly,
To consciously respond,
To whatever we’re faced with externally,
And that may trigger reactions,
Internally,
(Which may vary from individual to individual uniquely over time (?)),

Speaking for myself,
I really want to include,
My present belief that,
Staying sober,
Is a way,
Of the,
Nonviolent,
(Inner, external and/or however..),

Peaceful,

Warrior,

(I could’ve ended this post right there (after “Warrior”) as I initially planned..),

And well,
I’ll add and/or emphasize that,
Hence,
I believe in,
Staying reasonably (if not completely) sober,
And finding fulfillment in the inner development warrior spirit which I really hope is overall more worth it..,

Huhhh,

I hope that staying sober,
Helps us remain peacefully inwardly,
Externally and/or however,
Which I guess (?) I could describe as a spirit of a WARRIOR for peace..,

And hence I’ll title this,

“Peaceful Warrior”

I presently feel that:

I do NOT want an excessive painful,
Nor any immensely painful,
Struggle,

Yet I often wish my struggle(s),
Felt more meaningful,

Instead of silly autistic OCD shit,
Resulting from insecurity,
Resulting from bullying,
Resulting from,
Being a vulnerable easy target..,
This,
That,
and whatever else..,
(In whatever order..),

How about,
I struggle to survive,
Then go through tremendous obstacles,
Then by society’s standards,
“Arrive”,

??

Oh yes,
They could make a movie about it,
Of course my insatiable ego may never get to the inner source(s) of its perpetual dissatisfaction,
Yet,

I could then write a book,
Go on talk shows,
Get profound amounts of attention for my personal irrelevant bullshit,
While knowing,
That while knowing it,
Others will still succumb to focus on it..,

Anyway,
It’s like,
I struggle,
And I feel many do NOT see it,
And I can NOT tell how much,
Others understand it,
When I struggle to explain it..,
??

And I feel that many just keep making,
And solidifying,
Negative,
Hurtful judgment(s)..,
??

Yet..,

I just wish,
That I felt,
Less alone,
In my neurodivergent,
Bullshit,

And NO,
Just because others are also “on the spectrum”,
In the same autistic way,
Does NOT guarantee we’ll connect in some “deeper” way,
..,
And I additionally would say,
No matter what our labels are,
No matter our skin color,
Gender,
Sexuality,
IQ scores,
Test results..,
Or however we may be placed in a “category”,
Or however many different “categories”..,

I’d say,
There’s always some varying levels of uniqueness in all of us,
Including (of course),
In our experience(s),
And I hope you may positively BROADLY interpret this..,

??

And well,

I just keep wishing,
For (healthy) increasing feelings,
Of worthwhile,
Existing,

Yes..,
I could exchange my struggles for what I regard as more “meaningful” struggles,
Yet,
When it comes down to it,
I mostly prefer,
To not,
Pointlessly,
Excessively,

Struggle,

And I hope to experience,
More,
Of what I feel as,
Deeply,
Meaningful

Oh I FEEL,

Oh I just gotta chill,
Without the pill,
Up..,
Whichever,
Internal,
And/or,
External,
Hill,

Ohhh,

Why does it take,
So much,
Yet requires,
So little,
To,

Chilllllllll,

???

Oh..,

Ohhhh,

OHHHHHHH