According to me (as implied..),

If you’re born with greater vulnerability to emotional pain, And especially if that pain has been exacerbated by bullying, You’ll be far more susceptible to block it out with destructive means, Since that seems to be what’s most conveniently available,

After years of isolation, due to not finding comfort in enough social situations, Some may emotionally break, and wind up on medication,

Some may excessively turn to fast food and sugar as pleasure to escape from all that obsessive-depressive-compulsive torture,

Some may go to the bar and kill brain cells to kill their anxiety that was made worse by judgmental society,

If you’re desperate to fit in, If you’ve got discouraged due to feeling like you can’t properly follow your wellness practice such as meditation, Alcohol may numb the pain of rejection, It doesn’t surprise me, That us on the “spectrum”, according to an article I read.. Have a far less life expectation, (note: I didn’t bother citing it since it’s easy to find proof of it if you Google it..)

I’ll stay in the game, But when will there be less pain? Maybe some won’t like my “victim mentality”, but due to my experiences.. This doesn’t surprise me as reality..

I don’t intend to make anyone feel guilty, Honestly, I am on the “higher” end of the “spectrum”, so possibly I may not have to worry as immensely..? But honestly.. a lot of what I’ve been dealing with.. I’d love to live without,

As of now, As of where I’ve been internally, That has influenced my behavior and decision making frequently, all I ask for, Is empathy

I can’t stand how those who fucked me up just took off, I can’t stand how I’m supposed to be loving and forgiving of those who don’t ask cuz they don’t care, I can’t stand how years being judged, made fun of and excluded has worsened my anxiety and insecurity so bad that to validate myself my obsessive behavior has prevented me from taking steps and getting courage for getting out of this manchild phase I’m in at 26..

I care that they have no fucking care for what they did to me, All those fucking times they’ve used their non-learning disabled social, emotional and intellectual awareness against me..

My heart aches with hate, I don’t have confidence to move forward while carrying all this out of control emotional obsessive compulsive darkness, I’m trying to just “not give a fuck”, I’m trying to just be present and let pass all the inevitable cruelness.. that’s filled me and will still be given to me,

Instead of ignoring it, I unconsciously and therefore unintentionally absorb it, and it’s taking over my consciousness, making my impulses hateful, judgmental and evil,

I need company getting through this, There’s no need to analyze this..

I just need assistance in and feeling on the same page in this multiverse of consciousness, I want to sustain awareness of the goodness that’s in all of us and not be blinded my evilness,

So therefore, as (I might’ve said before) my innate tendency, support and experience create how I chose to respond to pain and adversity..

In my belief there’s obviously accountability for ours and others’ wellness and safety, But in my belief, I didn’t choose my ability to choose and decide how I work and build myself up..

If you want my help and vice versa, I hope we let go of closed-minded beliefs, but respond to our experience of being there, and do whatever we openly feel and discover as right..

To make it through the bullshit, And prepare for more of it, So we’ll know how to deal with it..

If you’ve read this, Thanks for the attention towards me, I’m a social creature who feels, especially now, that he needed it

As for those who want to judge me because they feel like a victim and want to “power trip” at me.. because they can’t relate, because they selfishly don’t have motivation to change, because they’re in their comfort zone, well.. all these judgments and bad feelings I’m responding with, is how I’m responding, as a result of how I reacted and responded to my experiencing, such as to all the bullying,

Some people have it easier, Sometimes their unconsciousness uses the word “choice” to blame others for their situation, I have a choice, but not how I choose, and not how I respond to a situation, My awareness and conscious inside me I did not choose nor did I choose the support and paths provided to me, and when they were provided, I chose or decided to my best conscious degree, that I was born with, which I did not choose, so don’t judge me,

And if you had it easier and mistreated me, I’d like an apology,

And I apologize for the bad words and judgmental energy, but it’s a part of me I’ve unconsciously cultivated in this society, and when the pain builds too much, it sometimes comes out unconsciously and uncontrollably, But it’s getting better, I’m taking it slower, It’s gradually becoming clearer

He wants to fit in, Tries to be good to get attention, Then no one listens, And he unintentionally hasn’t adequately developed awareness of others’ emotion,

Then he feels like a victim, With his narrow attention, Tries to “adult”, And give back, But anxiety and ADD told him he’s on an inevitably slower track,

Did he arrive on time ? Will he learn, comprehend, make it to the end like his FRIENNNDS???

And he doesn’t have confidence he’ll “man up” to sacrifice and give back, So he excuses himself by staying in his childhood bedroom to…. (I think you already predicted the omitted one syllable word..)

Since he’s been single, and too anxious too mingle, He goes on TikTok, In his comfort zone “under a rock”, Since he knows he’ll inevitably get a .. okay I’ll “toxically say it”…

COCK BLOOOOCK..

Who is he? Could be anybody..

Goodday 🙏

I’m out of sync, Over-analyze then can’t think,

I don’t know what to feel, I’m insecure and fragile,

I want to believe in.. I don’t know, If I’m dying within.. Then.. That didn’t make sense.. I’ll start over..

Okay.. I think I’m paranoid, I think I’m feeling guilty for not sacrificing enough for others, But I didn’t choose this level of emotional and physical sensitivity.. And if I can’t better myself I might be assumed to be lazy?

I don’t know? My thoughts have been scattered lately.. I don’t know if I’m saying this or that.. I don’t know..

I don’t know

I didn’t choose my choices, Didn’t decide my decisions,

I’m waiting for a better feeling whether or not that’s in this lifetime or the next,

I’m not present, Waiting for the future,

Waiting for this waiting to be over

I want this meaningless numbness to pass, I want to regain and continue that spirit, My attention is too in my head in this present moment, It’s the same old shit as many may put it, OCD obviously, Due to insecurity, Due to how I been conditioned to view my individual physical conscious manifestation in combination with recurring bad experiences making it worse,

In other words, I started as more vulnerable, put all my attention on being better and always lost, Trying to compensate for feeling insecure was made worse by my environment, therefore making me excessively focus on myself to make up for losing and wanting to prove to myself I succeeded at something that I could cling to for myself.. Right now, the OCD is telling me to film another juggling video..

I know it could get better, But I don’t feel it, I believe it can, But also sometimes don’t,

The obsessive compulsive voice just thinks it’ll all be “perfect” once arriving at the next destination,

As for knowing how to help me, the obsessive forces are obviously wrong but feel too strong..

This is just another struggle,

As always, This is regression into numb indifferent confusion, And it’ll hopefully pass

The insecurity may always be with me, I can still focus on life, It’s possible for me to NOT let it stop me, It will just be in there, All I can do is keep going.. I must remember I can get through whatever feelings are coming and leaving, It just comes back to remembering,

AHHHH

I’m feeling too in my head, But I must move on in this moment, I just must remember that

My ego wants a lot of words, But I must be clear, That more, Does not mean “as good” or “better”,

I need to be straight to the feeling, Instead of causing overthinking by over-explaining,

It’s clear enough what I’m saying

If others who were mean to me, Recognized themselves in my future published stories, Is it fair if they were to sue me? Or just do whatever to try to harm me..? Yes that question was rhetorical obviously..

I think, By not harming me for expressing how I felt due to how they treated me, Or by allowing me to share what I learned or depict my experience free without harming me, Is one way they peacefully can repay or give back what they owe me, or “pay it forward” for me and others since the intent of my writing is intended to help sentient beings go not “backward” but “forward”.. But especially since have the right, To write, About anything that happened to me, And therefore.. Anyone can write anything about me in a story, It’s their right,

I believe in NO secrets, Since we work together, We should not alienate ourselves by keeping secrets from each other.. Especially secrets that are about how we affect one another, Like those who decide the conditions we live and work under,

I’m not looking to harm anyone, I’m looking to not be harmed for what I express publicly,

Although some may threaten to “come after” me and do whatever to me.. We all have the right to live free, As presently, As fulfillingly, As our capability allows us to, presently,

If we promote harm such as violence, And if violence happens due to what we wrote or said, Yes, We must be held accountable,

But if I wanted to share a story, About what someone did to me, And if nothing bad happened to them as a result of what I wrote about them after changing their names.. In my opinion, It would be very wrong, If they, say.. were to sue to me, Since, I most probably would go broke, And since they would be afflicting a punishment on me, Due to me expressing and sharing the cruelty they did to me, So they would just add to cruelty.. With no awareness to offer me or society..

I do not believe in an “eye for an eye” since that doesn’t heal the causes, but as for sharing the bullying anyone has done to me, I’m sharing a story, Which can and may be a reminder, Of the need of more to discover better ways to live together and treat each other, Better,

And by sharing what anyone did to me, I’m exercising my writing freedom, By sharing whatever I want, I’m exercising my RIGHT, To write, Freely,

To whatever extent this is true or not as for what I write.. 

Free expression, For helping the world, Is important, To make the world a more morally functional place,

So, I can write whatever I want, I can do whatever I want, I can be as true to myself as I want, As long as, What I do, Does NOT cause harm or suffering to others,

We can say whatever we want, But if what we said caused harm, Such as physical harm due to advocating for physical harm, We must be questioned.. And I know this is obvious, But we must remember this, And of course I don’t intend to offend anyone, but if what I say offends anyone, I hope they properly heal their own inner reactions, since, as long as there’s no physical harm or violence directed at anyone, I have freedom of expression,

And like Chomsky said, “If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all”, (Pinterest) You can express whatever you want about me and I can do the same about you evidently,

As for what I say, I trust my accuracy, Lots of memories vividly stick with me,

As for writing, We all have writing freedom, As for “live free or die”.. or in this case “write free or die”.. or “write or die” or “express or die”.. If you don’t write free, Don’t “die”, And hopefully no one “dies hard” as for “live free or die hard”..

OBVIOUSLY live free, and free from violence.. But essentially, these are just some of my opinions why, I believe having the right to write free, Is IMPORTANT..

Like I said before, I do not wish that my writing lead to anyone’s punishment, Especially myself, Since punishment does NOT help the individual heal and let go of unconscious evil behavior, since their behavior manifested in response to harsh or difficult life experience..

But I believe in sharing writing, To help anyone, Especially myself..

Yeah I still fear what those who I had a falling out with could do to me, If they have nothing to lose and became stuck in impulsive hateful irrationality, So.. I’m not ready to post certain material about particular people and many injuries they caused me, Emotionally..

Yes.. Living free is way “easier said than done” obviously.. I still greatly fear the infinite capability of ways people can torture or cause pain to me, I still need to let go, to be with internally, the most pain that may possibly happen to me when and IF it does.. That’s one reason to practice meditation.. Being with and cultivating less resistance for the worst we may experience,

Also, If we excessively rely on authority to “protect” us, Then we give excessive power to authority to physically harm us.. So practicing THAT inner awareness to accept and resist less of any level of pain that may afflict us, Will really help us.. So we can rely on OURSELVES internally, to SERIOUSLY improve our effect on interdependent society, Instead of just wanting to be saved, We may possibly be able to save ourselves with inner strength? Huhh.. yeah if I was desperate I’d want to be saved, But that’s only referring to my present lack of inner strength and courage, But, “Practice makes perfect” or at least better since progress is infinite..

Well, As of now, I want to live SAFE while writing free,

I may just write and make public,

And if any of those who I wrote about were to come after me then I’ll also likely have to deal with their friends and family, It would be a never ending cycle of toxic brutality.. To catastrophize, But in the future, Whatever,

WRITE FREE,

I believe in freedom of expression with moral consideration, And there’s clearly no way of precisely determining who writes “better”, Since expressive creation is all open to interpretation,

WRITE FREE,

I still don’t want any paranoia with me, Due to “bringing to light” what whoever did to me that really hurt me, But I’m trying to safely express more and more freely,

I don’t know how long the paranoia may stick with me, However, Publishing writing may therefore be courageous, And yes, We’re all morally accountable,

And knowing that we done good, May more likely help us feel good,

WRITE FREE!! 

But no matter the fear that is there, I will try, To cultivate the WARRIOR, Within,

Just saying.. 

I’ll always prepare myself, Always, For the worst possibility, Assuming what I write causes billions of people to hate me, Well, If I’m being true to my fearful conformist set and therefore, If I’m not living true to my TRUE self, But just trying to please everyone else, Then, I will not be living FREE,

It’s okay to have fear, But my belief is that we must take steps in the right direction, Such as inner strength cultivation, To BE TRUE TO OURSELVES,

Instead of fearfully please others, Due to fear of isolation, torture, or whatever, And since it’s “easier said than done”, Our practice always needs to continue on,

WRITE FREE

If written creativity, That’s taken in by the majority, has good flow, style, but no INSIGHT, In my opinion, That’s far LESS than alright,

I try to give all creativity I don’t like the benefit of the doubt, And if I don’t like what I hear, Sometimes I just have to get it out, Even if that risks me getting another paranoia bout,

What we say has an effect, Yes.. Expression does not mean “reason”, Expression does not mean truth, It’s just feeling, no matter how irrational..

But please tell me how I’m misunderstanding, When I don’t like something I think “oh it’s just me”, but is it really?Seriously, What are the LONG TERM effects of culture?? On behavior, On advancement, On detaching from the ego, fear and insecurity, On being present??

Just expressing.. I’m no expert and what I preach, But creativity with no morality, for me, has nothing of value to clearly teach.. Just expressing..

I’m entitled to the same freedom, If I can’t express free, about anything including popular creativity, then am I living free? You can easily tell me

I think the logical is also important in addition to the emotional, Sure maybe I’m feeling confrontational? For anyone who causes evil who is caught and held accountable, may it be peaceful,

Yes I OBVIOUSLY believe in freedom of expression, I’m not for banning anything, I JUST hope the overall effects of the creativity I’m affected by, Helps me feel as well as can be,

SERIOUSLY

Now I know I didn’t mention any particular individuals due to my EXCESSIVE fear of them somehow afflicting torture on me, But as for what I pay attention to, It sometimes INFURIATES me, Speaking from at least some present part of me

I was NOT saying you were saying anything, I was NOT accusing you of any wrong-doing, I was NOT trying to increase your inner suffering, Please stop assuming, It’s what I’m trying to stop too,

You can’t truly judge someone by their first impression, Impression and intimate connection are infinite, However, Since I have autism, I’m sure the new guys will become more liked than me,

Since I was labeled with paying attention struggles, That STILL makes paying attention an even bigger struggle, I wish I felt more socially capable but my label STILL makes confidence a daily struggle.. aside from the truth.. And as for learning services and student categorization and organization purposes, maybe this label didn’t need to be as emphasized to me.. It just feels like a stain that inwardly traps me permanently..

Unfortunately, As a result, Those who get to know me, Will see how easy of a target I can be if they want to take their anger out on me.. to feel more secure about themselves obviously, I keep talking about this since it keeps happening to me,

It’s the same struggles in the same and new forms, It’s the same struggles with the same and new places and people, Just because someone can think intelligently and understand profoundly does NOT guarantee they’ll always ACT rationally, They’ll find ways of using my struggles against me once they’re tempted with the opportunity,

I’ll try to hide, Although to them, My weaknesses will become conspicuous, Once they get sucked into impulsive energy, They’ll seize that opportunity to use their non-labeled awareness against me, Then hope that life “will get better” will once again comfort me, Even if positive experience is not likely for the life I’m in currently, I can grow inner strength by accepting an environment of bullies that I may become economically or legally or institutionally trapped in, It’s like I discussed in my last poem about finding peace within..

Yes.. I have lots of blessings, But that’s only part of my story, You can’t fully know me, No matter how much you learn about me, No matter how much time you spend around me,

Same with you, The extent I know you, Is never all of you.. And therefore we can learn infinitely more about our personal selves..

And.. We can’t fully judge anyone based on their label, Which is easier said than remembered..

I’m just observing inner and external feeling, What I discern as rational and irrational depends on my perceiving.. I just want more better vibes, But I have to start, Inside,

I can let my irrationality be, I can detach from my ego that’s always in seeking mode,

As my ego always looks and never settles, I can check in, detach from my ego, I can refrain from toxically giving in, while letting settle, Starting from a feeling within,

I also realized I ended my last poem with “within”, Thanks to a friend’s suggestion, But it just often seems to come down to what’s going on.. as we know.. As we untangle and discover.. Within