My motivation for getting my shit together is to feel better, Although we may not be getting our shit together, Together, It’s still possible,

My ego wants me to be a winner, But it’s goals are NOT getting my shit together, I can’t spend my whole life filming juggling videos, Especially since I don’t want to,

That old hobby is gone, It’s time I move on, By getting my shit together, Such as posting to my blog, Aside from obtaining a long term job,

Even if I’m considered a “loser” for giving up my ego goals, It doesn’t matter, Since my goal is to enjoy the present moment in which life happens, Which is my truth,

If I’m not in alignment with my truth, My life will feel wasteful,

If I have a goal, On the path, I must stay present, If not, with my truth I’ll be out of alignment, And my life won’t feel nearly as worth it,

It’s okay if our life doesn’t feel worth it, We can always feel more present worth in the present moment, If we do it or not, Decisions are just occuring for whatever reasons, And.. There’s truthfully no judgment, And in my opinion, Infinite truth just is, And does not judge, There’s always infinitely more beyond any wall of judgment.. Based on my present discernment,

However, the courage I need, Is to, Reduce my ego, Since I know, Being present without ego distracting pressure is the way to be in any direction or aspiration I choose to continually follow,

And the “ego” hasn’t been in my best self-interests regardless, I try and my ability remains far less, Regardless, The moment is what I feel I must focus on.. To clear my insecure egoic inner distraction, To make way for my best present capability in any direction, To experience the most fulfillment out of life that I can,

The less expectation, The more my ego expectation can expect, Since inner expectation pressure, Will not be there to inhibit my ability from becoming better,

But my ego won’t know this since it won’t be there in that moment,

The more I keep my ego, The more I limit myself, The more I let go of my ego, The more I free myself,

And if we get our shit together, Together, We’ll more likely feel better, Since in the effort, We’ll be supporting each other..

If we let go of the ego, The individual and collective exclusive ego, We’ll connect more,

And yes, Many don’t seem to be doing this.. But no matter who is, whose not, And even if we practice alone, Well, We can do this, We can open ourselves to any possibility of a better experience,

I really need to keep telling myself this, To get through whatever I’m in, And I must remember that.. Wherever I’m at, No matter how horrific or brutal or painful the location is that I’m in, I can protect myself the best I presently can, by “checking in” to how I’m experiencing within

IT’S MY TURN

I want to take less orders, I want to give more orders, Speaking egotistically with my “victim” mentality..

I wish that I believed most who call themselves Christians did the good that Jesus allegedly said, I wish I didn’t feel so painfully alone in my head, I’ll get detached, act then regret, Socializing I barely get, Pun intended..

Not to “throw anyone under the bus”, But sometimes, My negativity makes me believe that, even who I consider the like-minded people, “don’t like” that much of my company.. When I assume this, I also assume it’s often for the “best”, Even though for me, exclusion, resulting in isolation, has been among the worst..

I tried to do right, But almost always feeling alone in my practice, Makes goodness harder to cultivate and experience..

Now I know what is rational and right and no matter what my situation, I’m equally accountable, No matter how bad my life was, bad behavior is never excusable.. But please, Please don’t make it too hard for me, Please,

We don’t want another tragedy, And I don’t want to suffer evidently,

A way I believe in God is as a life energy.. And I say that because just say if out of this energy is a deity who created Earth’s sentient beings.. And although I didn’t attend church, As for me getting bullied, If there is a judgmental deity, What I have to say to anyone who bullied me whose a “Christian”, Is that this “supreme being” saw the whole thing, It saw everything you were doing to me.. And I doubt I’d get in trouble for not attending church, If anything, It would depend on moral doing..

As for bullying, How you took out your understandable pain on me which I did not cause .. Was because I was an easy target to make you feel more “secure” about yourself by feeling above me.. since your bad experiences made you unconsciously do that to me..

As for your beliefs, Even though I’m not a practicing Christian, The deity will know who was the oppressor and who was the victim,

Well, regardless of Christianity or any organized (sometimes corporate) with a punishment aspect of spirituality.. Since this deity is “all knowing”, It’ll know, Regardless of what anyone claims in their “holy book” writing.. We all have our own experiences, opinions and understandings, We have freedom of thought, belief and experience which can never permanently be taken away from us,

Yeah.. having compassion is way, way easier said than done.. Yes, I know brutal behavior comes out of brutal feelings.. So I don’t wish hell on any being, But as for right and wrong, Even if the right never gets sufficiently discovered in a world that is wrong, I think I can reasonably know which side I was probably on.. If and only if there’s that kind of judgment and punishment.. But I don’t believe in punishment.. It doesn’t help with enlightenment since it shuts people down in torment..

I believe in empathy, And truthfully, When we’re in touch with goodness, We don’t need to have fear of punishment be our only incentive for good behavior, Although we may not have learned how to always be in touch with it, Doing good, I believe, Is true nature,

I think.. We can just open to a good way, And let all the painful past go away, That’s one belief anyway..

Also, Since, Underneath all beliefs is a sentient being, If I hate someone’s beliefs, I’ll try not to hate them as a person..

I believe the belief.. that I’ve heard before.. “We are not our beliefs”,

If what I believe as true is different than yours, I’ll still try to just be present and let go of trying to “convince” you.. As long as my world views aren’t harming myself and anyone else, We’ll both have our personal preference..

But I’m glad I started writing, IT’S MY TURN TO SPEAK UP, To share my understanding of experiencing.. Based on my perceiving, Although I have autism, I’m also a feeling being,

I didn’t mean to offend anyone about expressing my beliefs, But if I just look to please others, I then wouldn’t be making being true to myself a first priority,

It’s my turn, It’s my turn,

Since I was vulnerable to anxiety, Since bullies who had it easier socially made it challenging for me, That just ramped up my insecurity, To a much greater degree, Making me more vulnerable and less likely to survive, And the lack of emotional inner healing awareness due to mistreatment contributed to bad impulse control that added to physical destruction in addition to stress.. And as for struggling with paying attention, when others got angry with me, that just gave me fear, which made paying attention even harder, And of course, more obsessive compulsive insecurity interfered with my awareness capability, social and learning ability, making it less likely for my needs to be there for me and putting my well-being more in jeopardy, Although now, I’m more in touch with my history, and it’s my turn to tell my story, one of a person with a learning and socializing “abnormality”..

And if I die homeless due to too many non-learning and non-socially challenged judgmental employees not wanting to hire me due to a short impression of me.. Or those who were learning and socially challenged and overcame it and don’t want any of their employees to remind them of their old self.. Well.. I said a lot on this blog already,

If I don’t get to share more of my story, may you at least remember this.. as long as it’s helpful

I’m ready to let go of my old struggles for new unpredictable struggles,

I’m ready for more cruelness to want to write about, Which I most likely will NOT have time to write most about, And “the tip”, of the tip, “of the iceberg” is all I wrote about..

“The world keeps turning”, Bullshit keeps forming, We keep hoping for less struggling

I’ll know they’re not “joking” when they seem pissed off,

Sometimes it’s best for both individuals if they both fuck off, If I’m called “weird” in a voice that’s angry and tired, then that person can fuck off and I’ll more likely cut them off.. I’m just saying.. it’s been a struggle socializing, and for me it’s very challenging, I’m continually realizing.. and unfortunately.. remembering,

Sorry for cursing, These are just ways of socializing I’ve been witnessing

(First draft was written on 4/20/21)

I can and may take care of myself by advocating for my rights, I’m not looking to harm those who harmfully control me, I just want disfunction to keep reducing for more to start functioning ethically,

Those at the bottom are staying mad at each other while working together, Same with the middle.. While those at the top just want more and more, While many at the bottom and the diminishing middle class get sucked into the culture.. as they continue fighting with each other.. I wish we made it easier to lower the extent we all suffer, If not all, I think many know this, But I wish for more support practicing suffering less,

As for any who oppress, bully, abuse.. As for any who make me suffer, I’m NOT looking to punish or afflict any torture, I just want it to get better, We can do better,

We can advocate without hate, We can hold accountable in ways that are compassionate and peaceful, We can, in all ways, become more capable, Society and the world can become way, way more functional,

My OCD doesn’t want me to post this since 4/20 is Hitler’s birthday, and the Columbine shooting date.. However, If we suppress hate.. If we disregard others emotional needs, Monsters is what we’ll create,

Aside from a few rare generous offers, maybe sometimes peer pressure.. No.. I don’t smoke weed.. Killing brain cells is the last we need.. Well.. May we consciously heed..

May we consciously cultivate without physically mentally harming ourselves.. Just saying.. 

Just because I believe all drugs must be legal doesn’t mean I do them, And if they are all legal, Would more do them, Well..

If they don’t know any other ways to heal inner pain, But.. If more of us practice cultivating inner healing, clearing and strength, Our natural clarity won’t make us seek drugs.. May the world help rehabilitate and not punish the “thugs”,

External painful punishment is not inner healing, We can’t become enlightened through scolding, beating.. however the hateful energy is punishing.. Just saying..

Since it’s “4/20”.. Since I had another day out in society’s judgmental energy.. Since I hope people get on and stay track continuously

If you read my writing too often you’ll probably get sick of it.. This is probably far from enough revising for publishing yet.. Well.. I don’t know..

However, I try to remember that.. Just like toxic food and toxic entertainment, People have to take my presence in proper doses, Too much of me may be harmful for anybody, Even those diagnosed with “autism” like me, But please, please try not to use my struggles against me, For me,

You see, Those who struggle to pay attention give others a very valid reason to not like them, And those who have immense “problems”, Don’t prefer to be around others with “problems”, Especially if the “problems” are the same, Since.. Who wants more of the same problems!? No one wants more problems, Since the word is “problems”,

Maybe I’ll be homelessly, “mentally ill-ly” dancing on a NYC street one day.. ? While others pass me by and think, “UHH!! I hope I NEVER become like that guy!!!” Or.. “He ain’t really homeless”, Or say to their children.. “You see son, there’s a crazy side in all of us”.. (Well maybe not that but any economically self-sustaining individual (parent or not) that’s passing may likely see something in themselves manifesting in me that they don’t want to be around especially so they don’t become like me..) Or parents might be like.. “Do NOT let go of my hand.” Or if their children are old enough to understand they might say.. “That’s his medication side effects.”And maybe the side effects will make me burst into tears.. Forcibly balancing emotion one way may make it swing back another way with similar force that I’ll struggle controlling due to my various circumstances.. Of course my sleep deprived/medication affected emotion will still change day by day.. or second by second.. (to more presently regard it..)

Welp.. Although life on earth for most of the population of beings with feelings has seemingly improved, Life sure can still be a brutally unfair game.. And winning enough for ourselves and ethically winning for others is a differently challenging emotional/moral level to arrive at.. For myself at least..

As for backing up my claims about “autism”.. At age five, To be honest, I never read a book about it, Since, I’ve been diagnosed with it, So.. Revising the book or whatever I wrote about it, Would be the book I read about autism,

I already did that although most of it I’ve not yet made public.. I really hope it doesn’t get destroyed by hackers.. but as for those in need of money, Maybe they’ll realize my writing won’t sell anyway.. If hackers were to hack.. (Obviously there’s the fear of WordPress hackers changing what I said in the poem..)

I also fear that a friend who now hates me for standing up to them for myself does NOT try to hack or hire anyone to hack to delete all my writing.. If that were to happen, Clearly staying peaceful would be very challenging..

I also really must proceed safely about what I make public, Since I don’t know how others will react to it, I don’t need more bullshit, I really don’t need more of that.. It’s hard for me.. As I look to be more self-sustaining.. To find a welcoming empathic environment, in which my present and long term needs will be met.. I’m still going, Even in moments of feeling upset.. I haven’t lost my present life’s freedom yet..

As for doses, I need to be considerate, For my own and others safety, Since our decisions affect ourselves and everybody since we’re an interdependent world family, Truthfully according to me,

I believe, All sentient beingness, Inevitably coexist, I guess it’s common sense, ? If you pay attention to life experience, You may feel evidence, Of sentient interdependence..

As for me, The amount of doses I take in, Seem to impact, My present state, Of consciousness, Which impacts my wellness and those around me.. Although this may be obvious, I need to remind myself to be aware of this.. To avoid bullshit, In a world of bullshit, And since I’m an idiot, With a “deformed head”, As one of many cyberbullies attacking me in a YouTube comment thread constantly said last June and July, after I confronted about making a joke about autism by asking him “do you have it”, But as for consideration of others most people can’t stand it.. I may be more in danger of it, And as for whatever feels bad now, Maybe it’ll get better soon..

Hopefully that user never finds my blog if they saved my YouTube URL after finding my channel outside the livestream thread which includes a link to this blog in the about “section”.. I still have the option to approve comments from a gmail notification..

Man.. I hope to find more peaceful locations.. For me and everyone.. And as for compassion I wish that other person well, But those people are only welcome if they are respectful and if their jokes about me and anyone are not harmful..

But if I were to ever get a lot of comments.. That’ll become more out of my control.. But I can have self-control, No matter at what level people treat me in ways that are disrespectful..

Or to rephrase that without needing to rhyme at the end syllable.. Well.. No matter how mean people are to me externally, No matter how much pain they cause me, I can still practice feeling better internally.. At least hopefully..

And yes, Those ending line rhyming syllables in that last stanza just happened to flow through me generously.. Just thought I’d acknowledge that in case anyone were to arrogantly call me arrogant..

Okay..

Thanks for reading that dose of my writing.. As for the present world average of reading people do, I don’t know how big or small or average that was..?

I can revise more, have my senses pick up on more even based on what I remember.. But we can always be more aware for self, others, and.. EVERY ENERGY MANIFESTATION IN WHATEVER DEGREE OF SOLID AND SPACE..

Thanks for continuing reading.

Thank you for taking the time.

And of course, Thanks to the person who worked to create WordPress AND those who WORK to keep WordPress and the internet going.. May the energy of critics nitpicking be mentally, physically and emotionally helpful..

I must’ve forgot to say or didn’t feel a need to say a lot, but I think I included a lot.. could be better.. well..

And I guess awareness must be taken in doses, so it doesn’t overtake your behavior, causes others to get too scared and block too much of it out of you, Although I’m referring to something, I hope what I said is suitable and helpful to whatever you may be experiencing..

Haha, I wouldn’t want to assume myself and “start something”..

And I guess awareness must be taken in doses, so it doesn’t overtake your behavior, causing others get too scared and block too much of it out of you, Although I’m referring to something, I hope what I said is suitable and helpful to whatever you may be experiencing..

Well.. I think it’s my right to not get forced to much medication, I believe in living free, and not getting zombified or dying too hard, (Reference: Incase I don’t get obsessively accused of plagiarism I’m referring to the common saying “live free or die hard”)

Many thanks 🙏

Social anxiety plus learning challenges equals brutally low confidence,

If I already anticipate a sad ending, then for me, how would owning a gun change anything? Yes I know it’s selfish since it increases the chances of more killing since means of killing are easier and I’ll back that claim up by claiming it’s common sense.. But very low confidence is a bad feeling,

Well.. everyone’s trying.. I’m manic and wanted to post again with little revising.. however my posts will be slower hopefully with more crafting.. and maybe I’ll post some short stories.. In case I don’t, I just wanted to say what I’m intending,

I guess it’s not always easy feeling powerful while staying peaceful, and never doing anything harmful..

I’m going to keep going, I’m going to keep going,

But my posting will be significantly slowing so I work on crafting, Writing, conveying or clear expressing ability comes before the number of posts, just saying..

We have different challenges and blessings.. Regardless of my level of writing I need to slow posting to develop crafting.. Although my obsessive compulsiveness has caused my phone reminders to overload, I put a daily iPhone reminder for any writing draft to “revise, let grow, repeat, until you feel it’s complete”,

So that’s my intention, Way more revision, Since creative quality is what makes better creativity which has nothing to do with quantity, In my opinion,

Well.. I at least feel quality is more important

Overcome, succumb, dumb, Sometimes words feel numb..

If we always view kindness as fakeness then we’ll always act mean if we mean to be real, or honest, or sincere, or authentic, or whatever word is most appropriate to whatever we’re presently feeling..

I just need some escapist indulging but no shit I don’t plan on overdoing..

Self-control prevents evil, because evil is impulsively irrational so maybe we need some long term thinking for greater consideration of really avoiding less suffering and here I go again with preaching, over-writing without revising and organizing my thinking..

Welp.. here’s to what I’m presently perceiving

I practiced 20 times more, They practiced 20 times smarter, My life was 20 times harder, So they’re 20 times better, I just try to appreciate the present since I tried and became a failure, The present is all I have.. Sorry for preaching, Sorry if you’re having any level of negative interpreting when reading this.. I’m simply trying to express a feeling

When I was like 12.. My friend once saw a baby picture of me and indicated how large my head was..

My head grew large since my infant brain was trying to correct itself, Of course I got bullied by the smaller smarter heads, All this excess hasn’t helped me..

Most of me feels like a waste of space if I’m perceiving how I feel accurately.. I blame the morning sickness medicine called “Phenergan” my mom took while pregnant with me in the mid 90s, I blame the pharmaceutical industry or society, for not informing her how to deal with the brutal morning sickness differently.. That medication has probably gave me the problems I have that endangered me to wind up on more medication.. especially since I was vulnerable and sensitive..

But.. were the institutions and friends/bullies trying to tell me something I needed to hear? What else is still not clear that I need to feel better? Or am I just desperately looking for a convenient answer to feel better without considering long term/overall opportunity costs?

To be true to how I feel, Honestly, I don’t know what I truly feel, Unfortunately..

I just hope to feel better for longer.. I guess

I just overheard my mom saying she only took “half the dose they prescribed” since she read this poem.. God dammit. God fucking dammit. Imagine if she took the prescribed dose. Just fucking imagine.