Aside from racism, There’s ableism, Cuz who the fuck, Wants to hire, Someone, One the SPECTRUM!!!? As for business and sales, Wouldn’t that be dumb!!? Stop being numb!!

I don’t think it’s just us “autists”, Who struggle, With a “moral compass”.. Why don’t we take a look at all this?

And if you find us a fit? What’s your intention? If it isn’t profit?

Hmmm.. 

I smell BULLSHIT

We believe human nature is the survival of the fittest and I guess scariest, We don’t think we can evolve, But what do we need to solve? I don’t know.. Seems like abusing capability is too tempting for too many.. Concurrently

I’ve confided deep personal stuff in people who never wanted to be my friend, I predicted the falling out in the beginning, Ha.. I was thinking of saying “in the end” honestly, To me that was irony..

But yeah.. fucking people.. 

I never meet standards.. I feel more self-aware since I didn’t sleep, Maybe since my mind is speeded up so my “executive functioning” feels more “normal”.. I talk too much about my label, It’s painful feeling vulnerable, “Autists” like me are “slow” at information processing,

I don’t like how much I care what others are thinking, Whether I truly have autism or not, I just want to appreciate more of the present moment, In which life is happening..

My sleep-deprived manic mind just wants to keep rambling, I think I’m gonna try meditating, in bed, so I don’t get forced on medication, And get more fucked in the head..

The more I expect, The less I accept, I still insatiably cling to clarity and depth.. but my seeking turns into overthinking,

Present “accepting” just turns into analyzing.. Then it becomes overthinking which even more inhibits my awareness for experiencing, This just keeps happening,

I know knowing isn’t the same as doing and practicing, I failed at disciplining my mind to settle tonight, I’m not sleeping and don’t feel alright, I’d be asleep now if I would have let the thoughts be, instead of choosing to fight, Thanks to the film Hereditary and autism I once again sleep with a night light.. Fuck you and your mean judgments, No not you, You know who I’m talking to as well as context too.. At least I trust you do..

Well.. My obsessive compulsive mind makes me more concerned about how stuff is done instead of what I’m doing, This really takes away from experiencing, All these rules are so fucking limiting, It’s thought clinging, Ego fixating.. I didn’t discipline myself to lay in bed out of my comfort zone in the dark.. Yep.. At the beaches it’s hard to go in the water because of this predictable rhyme.. SHARKS..

(Well.. it’s plural and my OCD wants the rhyming syllables to be spelled exactly the same or whatever.. and me explaining this is OCD and another reason why many don’t like me.. so fuck you if you’re one of them).

Anyway.. Since my ego wants a thought that’s “perfect” and “validating”, My ego wants a thought for never having to think again,

I must say again.. it’s infinite, therefore, never perfect.. since there’s always more.. So the “answer” to existing or the “meaning” of life is, NEVER ENDING (and never beginning for that matter), It’s never beginning or ending on any end,

There’s always something more, beyond any wall or enclosure, But I’m still obsessively compulsively clinging to an attachment for that one “final” achievement, instead of being present in the moment, It’s not rational, Just my ego’s usual.. obsessive compulsive impulsive clinging.. My awareness is too distracted by validation.. It’s the fucking mind..

I know I’m also increasing my vulnerability to medication, Although mania sometimes helps with writing, sleep deprivation is pushing it.. If I lose it, and if a dysfunctional system tries to fix it, I just want to remember that.. wherever I’m at,

I can still go within, regardless of wherever I’m forcibly taken, Whatever place I’m in, I can cultivate peace within,

Speaking for the world we live in, If the dominant unconscious forces win, If unconsciousness blinds me within, All I can think of is that, I hope more and more continue to awaken, I’m not awake now, All I can do, Is my best, To be with, Whatever I witness, Right now,

Being is already being, so I don’t need to externally achieve anything since appreciating the moment is not mental achievement clinging, but mere appreciating of what is happening, So since life happens in the present, To get the most out of life, I must be present, It does not matter about future achievement, It does not matter whether or not I’m “autistic”, What comes first, Is being present.. As well as getting comfortable out of my comfort zone and it’s still dark out.. so.. as for me..

LIGHTS OUT

Once again I’m freaking the fuck out.. I might regret posting this.. Thank you to those who subscribed!!

But I don’t need to worry since.. unfortunately.. most probably.. barely anyone’s gonna read this.. But that’s just the ego.. As we know.. We can just have fun and let go.. Yep feeling better..

As for horror movies or whatever, I’m lucky I have a choice of level of exposure and have become aware of how to respond to build a level of character,

As for mania, I don’t need that or anything unhealthy and risky to my sanity or physical body for writing at the highest of my abilities.. regardless of this poem..

The lights are back on.. once I put my phone down I didn’t feel like continuing on.. well it was a small step to get back where I was of the lights being off.. And if you judge me FUCK OFF!!  

Thanks for reading

I’m sick of being misunderstood, A lot of others are sick too, Sometimes our sickness clashes which has built as a result of what we been through,

Other’s paranoia may increase due to me, I struggle with how I come across due to poor articulation ability as a result of slow executive functioning and anxiety, causing others to not know what to expect of me, I fear misunderstandings, One is sometimes being a victim of police brutality, It’s not clear who’s a threat to organized society, Seems like that can be interpreted variously especially..

I’ve been given a lot of sarcasm and now easily assume it, I’ve received a lot of bullying and often think others are doing that,

For a long time I’ve suppressed standing up for myself and I struggle inwardly not lose it, I haven’t let go of most of it,

I can’t be “scared straight” for too long, since the unawareness forces may become too strong, so my attention isn’t always focused on consequences, If I’m not helped how to let go of it, it will come out of me unexpectedly uncontrollably,

If you’re frustrated and shake your head in response to me there’s no guarantee I’ll respond peacefully regardless of what you’re going through or your history, It really takes discipline to sustain rationality, Unfortunately I don’t often feel it’s in me, We can always attain and maintain the discipline to not repeat history,

I wish I didn’t have learning disabilities, So I could better appreciate the work of Noam Chomsky, Even if the picture is painted clearly, I still might not understand adequately,

I still struggle with “executive functioning”, slow information connecting and processing, and high anxiety and low confidence due to past experience.. 

I know I already talked about at least some of this, But I continue to respond similarly to experience

Mania can make me too lazy to go to sleep, I don’t want to wake up feeling less clear and deep, My fun state of consciousness I want to permanently keep, Well I obviously need sleep, If my safety and sanity I want to keep,

But I have hope, Life overall may get more meaningfully deep,

When I wake up, Myself and the majority of the world may possibly feel, Less fucked up,

However much it is, We can only control so much, We can do our best to stay in control and more in touch,

We can’t control the external but we can deepen and clear the internal so the pain feels less painful

Comparing makes me want to kill, I assume most others had it easier going up the same hill, Even with far less will, I keep going still, Without a so-called “quick-fix” pill, With my history, It hasn’t been easy to let go and chill, A lot hasn’t healed still,

But what’s the big fucking deal!!? The label autism is not the deepest of what’s real, I try to disidentify, But I’m a sensitive guy, I wish I didn’t wish many people who wronged me would die, I try to be a peaceful guy, But I want to be treated with respect as well, Please don’t give me hell, I hopefully won’t reciprocate as well,

Because.. I inevitably will get out of my shell, When I lose everything and have nothing to lose, When I can’t control myself and can’t rationally choose, That’s when I won’t forcibly make sure it’s not just me and a few others who is to lose..

I still identify with my history and it may still navigate me unforgivingly without allowing those who hurt me mercy..

If you don’t believe me, Read my book once it’s published hopefully, Although I can’t write about everything bad that others did to me since it’s been too many,

But if you dismiss it, If you tell me I’m “full of shit”, Or whatever that’s hurtful regardless of that.. I might just remember it, In another short story or poem, you may be the star of it,

Essentially, If you want to harm me, Please consider how it will effect me, and you, since we’re in an interdependent society and since I can’t always peacefully embody, It may be hard for me not to hurt you or anybody,

Since I’m “autistic”, It’s easy for you to use something against me, Get to know me and you’ll see (I know I said that already but it’s worth remembering evidently so you don’t choose to hurt me..),

But as confidence, or hopeless reckless destructiveness grows in me, We’ll also see, Truthfully, I wish harm on nobody,

What I’m saying here is precautionary, We can help each other, Or increase the level we suffer, Beneath any level of evil state we may be in, We don’t want to do or feel bad or immoral..

If we realign with rational ethical consciousness, True nature which creates functional goodness we’ll not only believe, but experience and manifest, Although it may be bad, Although humans may go extinct,

Well.. 

There can always still be existence, If it becomes nothing, There can always be something since something came from nothing..

As for me, I guess forgiveness, or letting go will get better..

It’s whatever

Using my learning “disabilities” against me is easy, You’ll know once you “know” me, Once you “feel” me, Including characteristics such as low confidence and high anxiety.. It’ll be easy, You’ll have the choice to “seize the opportunity”, And feel like a winner instead of a “weirdo” or whatever words in this context you may feel as “deserving” judgments towards me, Maybe it’s not you, the reader, who I’m referring to? As for unpredictable bad energy, I try to remember to respond safely, Welp.. I worry, since one characteristic of “autism” is “intense emotional reactivity” there’s no comforting guarantee,

I’ll give you the “benefit of the doubt” since you’re “keeping it real” with me, Since we’re interdependent, struggling, and since that empathic kind honesty isn’t always easy, I’m sure you “paid attention” better than me, Was it rewarding or am I falsely assuming? The “big picture” I struggle understanding even if it’s painted and broken down “perfectly”, I struggle with words and may give others the wrong impression by trying to tell them what I see, What does it really mean to “pay attention”? Honestly.. No matter what I write you’ll never really know my story, I’ll never truly know your experience either similarly,

When I’m out in public I must be on guard, Too often I’ve been stepped on, Too often I haven’t been fit for survival of the “fittest”,

I’m a sucker for others by trying to prove I’m not a quitter, I often prefer being false to myself instead of remaining as a loner, My awareness is clouded by my ego who can’t help being a “loser”, How does this get better?

I must get better at “surrendering, accepting, peaceful inner healing, detaching, untangling and releasing”, A personally suitable order I’m still discovering.. among everything.. I intend for the quotes to be open to any types of interpreting.. same with all my writing..

I hope to get better at letting go of assuming what others are thinking so I can better appreciate present experiencing, I’m still trapped in identity clinging!! Achievement fixating, ego validating..

I still want this poem to prove I know something!! I still want my ideas to be worth considering!! Shit!! Even if I’m full of shit, Maybe a little bit in here is worth it ?You decide how or not to use it against me,

I’ll try to stay as sane as I presently can be,

Some stuff I learned is that if you’re predisposed to anxiety baseball is not the sport for you, capitalism won’t likely help you, and if you feed it, the obsessive compulsive mind will trap you, and you’ll be told “you can’t blame anyone but you”, I don’t fucking know what’s really true..? I practiced hard playing baseball and I still was one who got cut out of two!!!!! But “it’s my fault”, It’s all my fucking “fault”, You “can’t fix what doesn’t need fixing”, so as for my history in the system I must stop “blaming” because “in no way” I’m a victim, I know nothing, Including sarcasm speaking due to receiving a lot of it in combination with learning challenges which made shit more confusing, I still need confidence of healing past abuse receiving, If not medication I may be forced to take, Unless I can better let go and stay more awake..

I don’t have a conclusion but I believe that I concluded for myself that what comes next or last is not necessarily a deeper part.. My mind and heart often wanders into non-sequiturs..

One connection I wish to remember is that:

Although many struggle to stay informed since they’re overworked, politics still greatly effects how long as well as conditions in which we work, Although we may “just care about” showing up for work, We have an impact on how our experience works,

Covid didn’t do much of changing consciousness as far as I’ve witnessed..

For people who yell at or in the presence of others without warning to release anger, or act crazy by doing whatever.. I must ask, How do you prevent that level of anger from filling in you again? Wouldn’t you rather feel peaceful? With less of a “need” to traumatize those around you? Do you feel I’m being an “arrogant smart-ass” for making you feel like an ass?

Well.. 

That’s not my intention.. But if you feel that way, May you consciously detach as you witness the painful feeling settle and pass, The feeling is not you, And therefore doesn’t have to control you,

Yes.. although I’m preaching, I’m just expressing myself, In response to how I’ve been impacted by others expressing themselves

My name is Panic Attack Zach, Who will never learn to take a “joke”, Can’t help being an insecure, non-self-sustaining coward, and wack,

I have to be PC because of my progressive beliefs, vulnerability to paranoia and OCD, Fuck those who oppress me, Especially Mr. Scumbag OCD,

I’m slow at seeing the big picture and what most people have to offer is fear, anger, shame, blame, frustration, irritation, confusion and laughter,

I’m autistic and calling me names such as “weird”, “stupid”, and “slow”, is a low blow, I hope that most can know, I struggle to handle my inner reactions to what hurts me, Being me they can’t totally though, and vice versa..

I don’t know..

Although I’m Panic Attack Zach, I’ve been bullied too much, So if critics give me hurtful, sadistic feedback, they can do as the saying says: SUCK MY DICK FROM THE BACK!!